Phreaky Phriday
Note : Once again, my dears, I apologize for the delay. It took a little while for my creativity to get going. Also, I was unavoidably detained for a few days in a wonderful little place called New York City (perhaps you've heard of it?), seeing, for the second time, a wonderful little show entitled, The Phantom of the Opera as part of a wonderful little celebration for my seventeenth birthday. WAHOO! And because we all have at least one thing on common, and that is a love of Phantom, I just thought I'd share that with you, despite the fact that it has little or no relevance to this phic. Which reminds me ...
(Scene : Raoul, as Erik, has captured Carlotta and is now attempting to lead her to the lair. *snicker*)
Raoul : (Riding Cesar as Carlotta leads him along down the passageways) "Just a few more yards, and then you're going to wanna hang a left."
Carlotta : *Grumble*
Raoul : (Waving Erik's black, wide-brimmed hat in the air) "Yee-haw! Ride 'em Seabiscuit! Hi - ho, Silver! Away!" (Begins singing the William Tell Overture) "Da da dum da da dum da da dum dum dum! Da da dum da da dum da da dum dum dum ...!"
Carlotta : "Uh, excuse me ...?"
Raoul : "Da da dum da da dum da da dum dum dum ...!"
Carlotta : "Monsieur Opera Ghost ... Person ...?"
Raoul : "Da da duuuuummmmm da da da -"
Carlotta : "HEY!!"
Raoul : "Yes?"
Carlotta : "I gotta question for you : If you're the kidnapper, why am I steering the horse?"
Raoul : *scoffs* "Well, you certainly don't expect me to capture a diva and bring her down to my house five cellars below ground all by me onesies, do you? I'm the All-Powerful Opera Ghost, for heaven's sake! I'm practically an emperor, which means I don't do slave labor. That's for my kidnap-ees. Now pull!" (Sees the shore of the lake in the distance) "Hey! Hold up!" (Carlotta stops and looks to where he is pointing) "Look, we made it!" (Jumps off Cesar and runs to the edge of the lake, where the boat and lantern sit at the dock) "After you, my dear." (Carlotta gives him a disgusted look)
Carlotta : "You're kidding, right? You want me to get into that leaky little boat and row across this cold, wet, dark and scary lake just so you can see this sick, twisted plot of your's to its bitter conclusion?"
Raoul : "Yup. Ladies first." (Pushes Carlotta into the boat from behind and hands her the oars)
Carlotta : "Oh no, you don't! If you think for one minute that I am going to row the both of us across this lake all by ME onesies, then you, my friend, are sadly mistaken." (Throws an oar at him) "We'll BOTH row!" (Grins slyly to herself) "Unless you don't think you can handle it. It is pretty tiring work, rowing a boat, and only the strongest of people in the best physical condition can do it. You know, really muscular, well-built men."
Raoul : (Grabbing up the oar) "Say no more, shortcake! You happen to be looking at one of the top rowers in his graduating class! I made the Princeton crew team look like a paddle boat race. Back at school, my nickname was even "Rowing Rao -er - I mean, Eri - uh ... Sir Rows-A-Lot!" *ahem*
Carlotta : "Riiigght." (They begin to row in silence.)
(Five minutes later ...)
Raoul : (Standing up in the boat and singing) "'... With Gilligan! The Skipper, too, a millionare and his wife! A movie star! The professor and Mary Anne ...'"
Carlotta : "Why haven't we reached the shore yet? This lake isn't that big, is it?"
Raoul : "Yo ho, yo ho! Avast, me hearties, yo ho! Hmmm hmm! Hmmm hmmm hmmm! Something, something ... Doo bee doo ... Da daa daa! Yo ho, yo ho! Avast -"
Carlotta : "Do you have to do that? Or is this all part of the torture you've got in store for me?"
Raoul : "I thought, since we're sailing, we should have some nautically themed music to set the mood!"
Carlotta : "But I think we're paddling in circles!"
Raoul : (Not listening) "Man, no wonder he was able to seduce Christine so easily! Listen to this :" (Sings some soft, flowing tune with Erik's voice, which instantly causes Carlotta's eyes to glaze over. As he finishes, she is practically puddy in his paws) "Not too shabby, huh?"
Carlotta : (Drooling) "So ... very ... beautiful ... Urge to scream ... fading ..."
Raoul : "But why waste my newfound talent on sissy stuff like that? What we need is some really masculine music ... *ahem* 'Are ya ready, kids?'"
Carlotta : (Slowly snapping out of it) "Wha ... Huh?"
Raoul : "'I can't hear you!'"
Carlotta : "But I didn't say anyth -"
Raoul : "'Ohhhhhh ... Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?'" (Gestures towards Carlotta, who gives him a Look) "'Absorbant and yellow and porous is he!'" (Another gesture, another Look) "'If nautical nonsense be something you wish!'" (A pause)
Carlotta : "Urge to scream returning ..."
Raoul : (sigh) "Carlotta, you're not helping out with the song."
Carlotta : "And YOU'RE not helping out with the rowing. I've been paddling this thing in circles for the past five minutes while you sit there and serenade us with hokey television theme song music!" (She throws up her arms) "Honestly, I don't understand any of this! Everyone around here lives in complete and utter fear of the Opera Ghost! Just mentioning your name is enough to make the ballet girls pass out! You've murdered and kidnapped and threatened and destroyed until those two nitwit managers have practically glued their lips to your feet! And yet, despite all the fear and paranoia that has become synonymous with your name, in reality you are a complete and utter moron!"
Raoul : "I beg your pardon?"
Carlotta : "I don't know why nobody ever noticed it before. You must hide your idiocy very well."
Raoul : "Why thank you, I - Hey! Wait a minute! Are you calling me a moron?"
Carlotta : "It would appear that I am, yes."
Raoul : "How dare you talk that way to me? I can have you killed for that! Don't forget who you're dealing with!"
Carlotta : "But that's just the beauty of it! I know exactly who I'm dealing with : the Opera Ghost! The clumsy, absent-minded, incompetent Opera Ghost!"
Raoul : "Clumsy!? Absent - minded!? INCOMPETENT!!? Why you -! I'll fix your wagon!" (Stops to think) "What's that thing that Eri - er, I mean, uh, I use to strangle people with ...? P - pun ... poon ... poon - jer ..."
Carlotta : "The Punjab lasso?"
Raoul : "Yeah, that's it. I was just, um, testing you to ... uh, yeah. *ahem*" (He reaches into his pockets, searching for the lasso. Carlotta sighs as he begins checking around the boat) "And, er, where do I keep it?"
Carlotta : "I would assume somewhere close by, because you always seem to have it whenever you need it."
Raoul : "Um, right ..." (Checks his pockets again and finally retrieves it from within his cape) "Ha! Found it!" (She stares at him) "Another test ... heh ... heh ... You're doing quite well. My other victims were not nearly as knowlegeable."
Carlotta : "Whatever." (Raoul takes the Punjab lasso in his hands and studies it for a moment, before wrapping it around his wrist and flinging it clumsily at Carlotta. It brushes the side of her face before falling pitifully into a heap on the bottom of the boat.) *sigh* "I rest my case." (She picks up the lasso and throws it out into the lake before Raoul can protest)
Raoul : (Watching the lasso float away) "Man, is he ever going to be angry with you ... *shrugs* Oh well, I can always send you to the Torture Chamber if you get too unbearable."
Carlotta : "Strange, I was thinking the same thing ..." (They suddenly run into the dock) "At last! I thought we'd never make it."
Raoul : (Stepping out of the boat valiently) "Land, ho!"
Carlotta : "Hey, what did I say about that 'ho' thing!?" (Voices are suddenly heard from the other side of the lake)
Andre's Voice : "Signora! Are you alright?"
Meg's Voice : "Just lie down and play dead, Carlotta, and maybe he'll bring you back!"
Firmin's Voice : "How do we get over there?"
Giry's Voice : "What do I look like, an information kiosk? I just bring people down here, I never actually take them across the lake! That's the handsome, young nobleman's job. You know, save the day, rescue the damsel, defeat the madman, all that jazz?" (A pause)
Erik's Voice : (As Raoul) "What? What're you all staring at? You certainly don't expect me to - Oh, c'mon! I don't wanna go over there and rescue her! When it was Christine, well, that was one thing. But this is Carlotta we're talking about here. It's like rescuing a big, tempermental grizzly bear; I mean, sure, they're endangered, but why even bother if they're eventually just going to knock you down and steal your food?" (Another pause) "Even if I wanted to, I still can't get over there! There's no boat! What do you want me to do, walk on water?"
Giry's Voice : "Didn't you just swim across last time?"
Erik's Voice : "Are you kidding? And ruin this great suit? It was imported all the way from Italy and -" (A shocked silence) "Dear lord, I'm turning into him!" (He looks down at himself) "I am unclean! Unclean!" (Throws off the jacket and dives into the lake, swimming at an incredible rate)
Firmin's Voice : "Ha! Look at him go! We'll have our prima donna back before you can say, 'Diamonds are a girl's best friend!'"
Raoul : (Peering out across the lake) "Drat! Someone's coming! We don't have much time." (Grabs Carlotta and races into the house)
Carlotta : "Take your hands off me! Don't have much time for what?" (A pause)
Raoul : "I don't know ... Better check the list."
Carlotta : "List? What list?"
Raoul : "Duh. The Opera Ghost to-do list?" (Whips out piece of paper and puts on a pair of thick-rimmed reading glasses) "Let's see ... Create complete and utter pandemonium throughout Opera house, cause ballet girls to faint ... Check. Wreak havoc on unsuspecting managers and taunt pretty- boy patron ... Check. Send threatening notes ... cut down giant chandelier ... Check and check ... Ah, here we are! Kidnap beautiful ingenue and seduce her with music ..." (Looks at Carlotta) "Damn, I think I kidnapped the wrong ingenue!"
Carlotta : "Say what, now?"
Raoul : "Er, uh, nothing ..." (An awkward pause)
Carlotta : "Well, it's been a slice, but I really think I should get back to rehearsal, so -" (Suddenly, a voice is heard from somewhere behind them)
Voice : "Erik! I'm here! I'm sorry I'm late, but I just had to -" (Enters and stops) "What the -? Carlotta!?"
Raoul : "Christine!? What are you doing here?"
Christine : "What do you mean, what am I doing here ? What is SHE doing here?"
Raoul : "I kidnapped her!"
Christine : "You what!? Why?"
Raoul : "Why? Because I'm the Opera Ghost! It's what I do! Perhaps you did not see the Opera Ghost to-do list?"
Christine : "Bu -but ... What about tea?"
Raoul : "What?"
Christine : "Tea! Yesterday, just before Raoul burst in on us, you were saying how much you'd been enjoying our tea together and invited me over to your place for another one."
Raoul : (Shocked) "And you accepted? Just like that!? What about your husband? Don't you think it might bother him just a little bit that you decided to have tea and crumpets with an obsessive murderer, not once, but twice in the same 24 hours!?"
Christine : "I don't know why you're so upset, Erik! You didn't mention any of this yesterday. And besides, since when do you care what Raoul thinks?"
Raoul : "Er, uh ... That's not the point! The point is ... Uh ... The point is ..."
Christine : "The point is ...?"
Carlotta : "The point is that the both of you are complete and utter whack- jobs;" (Turns to Raoul) "You, because you murder, kidnap, and watch Gilligan's Island, and you," (Turns to Christine) "because you come down here WILLINGLY to have TEA with an idiotic madman!"
Christine : "So ... what exactly are you saying?" (They are interrupted by a loud bang as Erik, dripping wet, enters the lair)
Erik : "Alright, alright, I guess I'm here to save the day." (Looks up) "At least I don't have to worry about being attacked by the Punjab lasso. The chances of the fop actually learning how to correctly use the thing are about as likely as a cardboard hammer."
Christine : "Raoul! What are you doing here?"
Erik : "For some reason the managers want their diva back, and for some reason *coughcoughahem* they seem to think it's the handsome young nobleman's job to go down five cellars below ground and swim across a frigid lake to rescue her." (A pause as he stares at her picnic basket full of tea things) "Oh how sweet! You remembered!"
Christine : "Remembered what?"
Erik : "Our tea togeth - Er, that is ... um ..."
Raoul : (To Erik) "You! You've been planning this all along, haven't you? You thought that maybe if she felt guilty for abandoning you, you might still have a chance with her!"
Erik : "She invited me over for tea! I was just returning the favor! I can't help it if she still has an unresolved desire for me you were unable to satisfy!"
Raoul : "And how do you know that? Maybe we're very happy!"
Erik : "Yes, out of all the couples I know I can't think of any so blissful as those who sleep across the hall from each other."
Raoul : "Well at least I didn't have to drag her down here and string her boyfriend up by the neck to get her to marry me, unlike SOME people I know!"
Erik : "Au contrare, my mask-wearing friend, but now it is YOU who have to force Christine into holy matrimony if you want her for your wife again! Ha! How about a taste of your own medicine, hm?" (Grabs Christine and pulls her towards the portcullis) "C'mon, DARLING, let's hold hands and sing together as we row away into the darkness towards a better life!"
Christine : "I am so confused right now ..."
Raoul : "Fine! Go ahead! But remember what you're leaving behind! This house, this organ, this Opera and all its contents ..." (Grins slyly) "This voice ..." (He sings all of 3 notes before Christine takes notice and passes out at his feet)
Erik : (Smoke coming out of his ears) "You'll NEVER have to see this MONSTER again, Christine! I'LL take care of you forever and ever ..." (Raoul continues to sing) "... and EVER AND EVER AND ..." (Ayesha hops onto the organ and Raoul, who is also becoming angry, begins stroking her head. Finally, Erik can't take it anymore. He grabs the unconcious Christine and gives her a lengthy kiss, a la an old black and white movie. Raoul, shocked by this, stops singing, grabs up Ayesha, and gives her a lengthy kiss as well) *Blinking* "Dude, even I don't kiss the cat."
Christine : (Coming to, in Erik's arms) "Oh, Raoul ..." (A dreamy pause) "Would you like to sleep in my room tonight?"
Raoul : "Like hell he would!" (Drops Ayesha and lunges for Erik, who drops Christine and lunges for Raoul)
Erik : "I want my voice back, you diva-stealing, chandelier-dropping, cat- smooching Opera Ghost Poser!!" (Grabs a pillow off the divan and whacks Raoul on the head) "GIVE!" *whack* "IT!" *whack* "BACK!!" *whack*
Raoul : "Ow! Ow! OW!! STOP IT!! HOW THE HECK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THAT? That crazy little fairy lady was the one who switched us! Talk to her, not me!"
Christine : "Fairy lady ...? Oh no ... You've both been using the morphine, haven't you?"
Raoul : "I wanna be me again! I'm tired of being alone and ugly and un- feared!"
Erik : "Well that's just fine with me, Junior, because it just so happens I wanna be ME again! You can keep your boyish good looks and villiage idiot reputation! I want my Opera House back!"
Raoul : "And I want my wife back!"
Erik : "Well ..." (Glances at Christine, who has crawled under a table, looking for Ayesha)
Christine : "Here, kitty kitty ... Nice kitty ... C'mere Ayesha, you pretty little - Ooh, a dust bunny!"
Erik : *Grumble* "Fine."
Raoul : "Fine." (They release each other and sit down on the floor. An awkward pause) "Has anyone seen Carlotta?" (A loud crash is heard from the kitchen, followed by a string of Italian profanities) "Never mind ..."
Erik : "So ... when did that little pixie say she was coming back?" (Raoul shrugs)
Raoul : "Hey, let's play a game to pass the time while we wait for her! Do you have Twister?"
Erik : "Er, I don't think so."
Raoul : "Boggle? Checkers? Chutes and Ladders? Guesstures?"
Erik : "I'm not really a board game kinda guy."
Raoul : "Well, I suppose we can think of something ..."
Last chapter coming up! (Oh, and I don't own Boggle, Checkers, Chutes and Ladders, Guesstures, Twister, Gilligan's Island, or the Spongebob Squarepants theme song)
Note : Once again, my dears, I apologize for the delay. It took a little while for my creativity to get going. Also, I was unavoidably detained for a few days in a wonderful little place called New York City (perhaps you've heard of it?), seeing, for the second time, a wonderful little show entitled, The Phantom of the Opera as part of a wonderful little celebration for my seventeenth birthday. WAHOO! And because we all have at least one thing on common, and that is a love of Phantom, I just thought I'd share that with you, despite the fact that it has little or no relevance to this phic. Which reminds me ...
(Scene : Raoul, as Erik, has captured Carlotta and is now attempting to lead her to the lair. *snicker*)
Raoul : (Riding Cesar as Carlotta leads him along down the passageways) "Just a few more yards, and then you're going to wanna hang a left."
Carlotta : *Grumble*
Raoul : (Waving Erik's black, wide-brimmed hat in the air) "Yee-haw! Ride 'em Seabiscuit! Hi - ho, Silver! Away!" (Begins singing the William Tell Overture) "Da da dum da da dum da da dum dum dum! Da da dum da da dum da da dum dum dum ...!"
Carlotta : "Uh, excuse me ...?"
Raoul : "Da da dum da da dum da da dum dum dum ...!"
Carlotta : "Monsieur Opera Ghost ... Person ...?"
Raoul : "Da da duuuuummmmm da da da -"
Carlotta : "HEY!!"
Raoul : "Yes?"
Carlotta : "I gotta question for you : If you're the kidnapper, why am I steering the horse?"
Raoul : *scoffs* "Well, you certainly don't expect me to capture a diva and bring her down to my house five cellars below ground all by me onesies, do you? I'm the All-Powerful Opera Ghost, for heaven's sake! I'm practically an emperor, which means I don't do slave labor. That's for my kidnap-ees. Now pull!" (Sees the shore of the lake in the distance) "Hey! Hold up!" (Carlotta stops and looks to where he is pointing) "Look, we made it!" (Jumps off Cesar and runs to the edge of the lake, where the boat and lantern sit at the dock) "After you, my dear." (Carlotta gives him a disgusted look)
Carlotta : "You're kidding, right? You want me to get into that leaky little boat and row across this cold, wet, dark and scary lake just so you can see this sick, twisted plot of your's to its bitter conclusion?"
Raoul : "Yup. Ladies first." (Pushes Carlotta into the boat from behind and hands her the oars)
Carlotta : "Oh no, you don't! If you think for one minute that I am going to row the both of us across this lake all by ME onesies, then you, my friend, are sadly mistaken." (Throws an oar at him) "We'll BOTH row!" (Grins slyly to herself) "Unless you don't think you can handle it. It is pretty tiring work, rowing a boat, and only the strongest of people in the best physical condition can do it. You know, really muscular, well-built men."
Raoul : (Grabbing up the oar) "Say no more, shortcake! You happen to be looking at one of the top rowers in his graduating class! I made the Princeton crew team look like a paddle boat race. Back at school, my nickname was even "Rowing Rao -er - I mean, Eri - uh ... Sir Rows-A-Lot!" *ahem*
Carlotta : "Riiigght." (They begin to row in silence.)
(Five minutes later ...)
Raoul : (Standing up in the boat and singing) "'... With Gilligan! The Skipper, too, a millionare and his wife! A movie star! The professor and Mary Anne ...'"
Carlotta : "Why haven't we reached the shore yet? This lake isn't that big, is it?"
Raoul : "Yo ho, yo ho! Avast, me hearties, yo ho! Hmmm hmm! Hmmm hmmm hmmm! Something, something ... Doo bee doo ... Da daa daa! Yo ho, yo ho! Avast -"
Carlotta : "Do you have to do that? Or is this all part of the torture you've got in store for me?"
Raoul : "I thought, since we're sailing, we should have some nautically themed music to set the mood!"
Carlotta : "But I think we're paddling in circles!"
Raoul : (Not listening) "Man, no wonder he was able to seduce Christine so easily! Listen to this :" (Sings some soft, flowing tune with Erik's voice, which instantly causes Carlotta's eyes to glaze over. As he finishes, she is practically puddy in his paws) "Not too shabby, huh?"
Carlotta : (Drooling) "So ... very ... beautiful ... Urge to scream ... fading ..."
Raoul : "But why waste my newfound talent on sissy stuff like that? What we need is some really masculine music ... *ahem* 'Are ya ready, kids?'"
Carlotta : (Slowly snapping out of it) "Wha ... Huh?"
Raoul : "'I can't hear you!'"
Carlotta : "But I didn't say anyth -"
Raoul : "'Ohhhhhh ... Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?'" (Gestures towards Carlotta, who gives him a Look) "'Absorbant and yellow and porous is he!'" (Another gesture, another Look) "'If nautical nonsense be something you wish!'" (A pause)
Carlotta : "Urge to scream returning ..."
Raoul : (sigh) "Carlotta, you're not helping out with the song."
Carlotta : "And YOU'RE not helping out with the rowing. I've been paddling this thing in circles for the past five minutes while you sit there and serenade us with hokey television theme song music!" (She throws up her arms) "Honestly, I don't understand any of this! Everyone around here lives in complete and utter fear of the Opera Ghost! Just mentioning your name is enough to make the ballet girls pass out! You've murdered and kidnapped and threatened and destroyed until those two nitwit managers have practically glued their lips to your feet! And yet, despite all the fear and paranoia that has become synonymous with your name, in reality you are a complete and utter moron!"
Raoul : "I beg your pardon?"
Carlotta : "I don't know why nobody ever noticed it before. You must hide your idiocy very well."
Raoul : "Why thank you, I - Hey! Wait a minute! Are you calling me a moron?"
Carlotta : "It would appear that I am, yes."
Raoul : "How dare you talk that way to me? I can have you killed for that! Don't forget who you're dealing with!"
Carlotta : "But that's just the beauty of it! I know exactly who I'm dealing with : the Opera Ghost! The clumsy, absent-minded, incompetent Opera Ghost!"
Raoul : "Clumsy!? Absent - minded!? INCOMPETENT!!? Why you -! I'll fix your wagon!" (Stops to think) "What's that thing that Eri - er, I mean, uh, I use to strangle people with ...? P - pun ... poon ... poon - jer ..."
Carlotta : "The Punjab lasso?"
Raoul : "Yeah, that's it. I was just, um, testing you to ... uh, yeah. *ahem*" (He reaches into his pockets, searching for the lasso. Carlotta sighs as he begins checking around the boat) "And, er, where do I keep it?"
Carlotta : "I would assume somewhere close by, because you always seem to have it whenever you need it."
Raoul : "Um, right ..." (Checks his pockets again and finally retrieves it from within his cape) "Ha! Found it!" (She stares at him) "Another test ... heh ... heh ... You're doing quite well. My other victims were not nearly as knowlegeable."
Carlotta : "Whatever." (Raoul takes the Punjab lasso in his hands and studies it for a moment, before wrapping it around his wrist and flinging it clumsily at Carlotta. It brushes the side of her face before falling pitifully into a heap on the bottom of the boat.) *sigh* "I rest my case." (She picks up the lasso and throws it out into the lake before Raoul can protest)
Raoul : (Watching the lasso float away) "Man, is he ever going to be angry with you ... *shrugs* Oh well, I can always send you to the Torture Chamber if you get too unbearable."
Carlotta : "Strange, I was thinking the same thing ..." (They suddenly run into the dock) "At last! I thought we'd never make it."
Raoul : (Stepping out of the boat valiently) "Land, ho!"
Carlotta : "Hey, what did I say about that 'ho' thing!?" (Voices are suddenly heard from the other side of the lake)
Andre's Voice : "Signora! Are you alright?"
Meg's Voice : "Just lie down and play dead, Carlotta, and maybe he'll bring you back!"
Firmin's Voice : "How do we get over there?"
Giry's Voice : "What do I look like, an information kiosk? I just bring people down here, I never actually take them across the lake! That's the handsome, young nobleman's job. You know, save the day, rescue the damsel, defeat the madman, all that jazz?" (A pause)
Erik's Voice : (As Raoul) "What? What're you all staring at? You certainly don't expect me to - Oh, c'mon! I don't wanna go over there and rescue her! When it was Christine, well, that was one thing. But this is Carlotta we're talking about here. It's like rescuing a big, tempermental grizzly bear; I mean, sure, they're endangered, but why even bother if they're eventually just going to knock you down and steal your food?" (Another pause) "Even if I wanted to, I still can't get over there! There's no boat! What do you want me to do, walk on water?"
Giry's Voice : "Didn't you just swim across last time?"
Erik's Voice : "Are you kidding? And ruin this great suit? It was imported all the way from Italy and -" (A shocked silence) "Dear lord, I'm turning into him!" (He looks down at himself) "I am unclean! Unclean!" (Throws off the jacket and dives into the lake, swimming at an incredible rate)
Firmin's Voice : "Ha! Look at him go! We'll have our prima donna back before you can say, 'Diamonds are a girl's best friend!'"
Raoul : (Peering out across the lake) "Drat! Someone's coming! We don't have much time." (Grabs Carlotta and races into the house)
Carlotta : "Take your hands off me! Don't have much time for what?" (A pause)
Raoul : "I don't know ... Better check the list."
Carlotta : "List? What list?"
Raoul : "Duh. The Opera Ghost to-do list?" (Whips out piece of paper and puts on a pair of thick-rimmed reading glasses) "Let's see ... Create complete and utter pandemonium throughout Opera house, cause ballet girls to faint ... Check. Wreak havoc on unsuspecting managers and taunt pretty- boy patron ... Check. Send threatening notes ... cut down giant chandelier ... Check and check ... Ah, here we are! Kidnap beautiful ingenue and seduce her with music ..." (Looks at Carlotta) "Damn, I think I kidnapped the wrong ingenue!"
Carlotta : "Say what, now?"
Raoul : "Er, uh, nothing ..." (An awkward pause)
Carlotta : "Well, it's been a slice, but I really think I should get back to rehearsal, so -" (Suddenly, a voice is heard from somewhere behind them)
Voice : "Erik! I'm here! I'm sorry I'm late, but I just had to -" (Enters and stops) "What the -? Carlotta!?"
Raoul : "Christine!? What are you doing here?"
Christine : "What do you mean, what am I doing here ? What is SHE doing here?"
Raoul : "I kidnapped her!"
Christine : "You what!? Why?"
Raoul : "Why? Because I'm the Opera Ghost! It's what I do! Perhaps you did not see the Opera Ghost to-do list?"
Christine : "Bu -but ... What about tea?"
Raoul : "What?"
Christine : "Tea! Yesterday, just before Raoul burst in on us, you were saying how much you'd been enjoying our tea together and invited me over to your place for another one."
Raoul : (Shocked) "And you accepted? Just like that!? What about your husband? Don't you think it might bother him just a little bit that you decided to have tea and crumpets with an obsessive murderer, not once, but twice in the same 24 hours!?"
Christine : "I don't know why you're so upset, Erik! You didn't mention any of this yesterday. And besides, since when do you care what Raoul thinks?"
Raoul : "Er, uh ... That's not the point! The point is ... Uh ... The point is ..."
Christine : "The point is ...?"
Carlotta : "The point is that the both of you are complete and utter whack- jobs;" (Turns to Raoul) "You, because you murder, kidnap, and watch Gilligan's Island, and you," (Turns to Christine) "because you come down here WILLINGLY to have TEA with an idiotic madman!"
Christine : "So ... what exactly are you saying?" (They are interrupted by a loud bang as Erik, dripping wet, enters the lair)
Erik : "Alright, alright, I guess I'm here to save the day." (Looks up) "At least I don't have to worry about being attacked by the Punjab lasso. The chances of the fop actually learning how to correctly use the thing are about as likely as a cardboard hammer."
Christine : "Raoul! What are you doing here?"
Erik : "For some reason the managers want their diva back, and for some reason *coughcoughahem* they seem to think it's the handsome young nobleman's job to go down five cellars below ground and swim across a frigid lake to rescue her." (A pause as he stares at her picnic basket full of tea things) "Oh how sweet! You remembered!"
Christine : "Remembered what?"
Erik : "Our tea togeth - Er, that is ... um ..."
Raoul : (To Erik) "You! You've been planning this all along, haven't you? You thought that maybe if she felt guilty for abandoning you, you might still have a chance with her!"
Erik : "She invited me over for tea! I was just returning the favor! I can't help it if she still has an unresolved desire for me you were unable to satisfy!"
Raoul : "And how do you know that? Maybe we're very happy!"
Erik : "Yes, out of all the couples I know I can't think of any so blissful as those who sleep across the hall from each other."
Raoul : "Well at least I didn't have to drag her down here and string her boyfriend up by the neck to get her to marry me, unlike SOME people I know!"
Erik : "Au contrare, my mask-wearing friend, but now it is YOU who have to force Christine into holy matrimony if you want her for your wife again! Ha! How about a taste of your own medicine, hm?" (Grabs Christine and pulls her towards the portcullis) "C'mon, DARLING, let's hold hands and sing together as we row away into the darkness towards a better life!"
Christine : "I am so confused right now ..."
Raoul : "Fine! Go ahead! But remember what you're leaving behind! This house, this organ, this Opera and all its contents ..." (Grins slyly) "This voice ..." (He sings all of 3 notes before Christine takes notice and passes out at his feet)
Erik : (Smoke coming out of his ears) "You'll NEVER have to see this MONSTER again, Christine! I'LL take care of you forever and ever ..." (Raoul continues to sing) "... and EVER AND EVER AND ..." (Ayesha hops onto the organ and Raoul, who is also becoming angry, begins stroking her head. Finally, Erik can't take it anymore. He grabs the unconcious Christine and gives her a lengthy kiss, a la an old black and white movie. Raoul, shocked by this, stops singing, grabs up Ayesha, and gives her a lengthy kiss as well) *Blinking* "Dude, even I don't kiss the cat."
Christine : (Coming to, in Erik's arms) "Oh, Raoul ..." (A dreamy pause) "Would you like to sleep in my room tonight?"
Raoul : "Like hell he would!" (Drops Ayesha and lunges for Erik, who drops Christine and lunges for Raoul)
Erik : "I want my voice back, you diva-stealing, chandelier-dropping, cat- smooching Opera Ghost Poser!!" (Grabs a pillow off the divan and whacks Raoul on the head) "GIVE!" *whack* "IT!" *whack* "BACK!!" *whack*
Raoul : "Ow! Ow! OW!! STOP IT!! HOW THE HECK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THAT? That crazy little fairy lady was the one who switched us! Talk to her, not me!"
Christine : "Fairy lady ...? Oh no ... You've both been using the morphine, haven't you?"
Raoul : "I wanna be me again! I'm tired of being alone and ugly and un- feared!"
Erik : "Well that's just fine with me, Junior, because it just so happens I wanna be ME again! You can keep your boyish good looks and villiage idiot reputation! I want my Opera House back!"
Raoul : "And I want my wife back!"
Erik : "Well ..." (Glances at Christine, who has crawled under a table, looking for Ayesha)
Christine : "Here, kitty kitty ... Nice kitty ... C'mere Ayesha, you pretty little - Ooh, a dust bunny!"
Erik : *Grumble* "Fine."
Raoul : "Fine." (They release each other and sit down on the floor. An awkward pause) "Has anyone seen Carlotta?" (A loud crash is heard from the kitchen, followed by a string of Italian profanities) "Never mind ..."
Erik : "So ... when did that little pixie say she was coming back?" (Raoul shrugs)
Raoul : "Hey, let's play a game to pass the time while we wait for her! Do you have Twister?"
Erik : "Er, I don't think so."
Raoul : "Boggle? Checkers? Chutes and Ladders? Guesstures?"
Erik : "I'm not really a board game kinda guy."
Raoul : "Well, I suppose we can think of something ..."
Last chapter coming up! (Oh, and I don't own Boggle, Checkers, Chutes and Ladders, Guesstures, Twister, Gilligan's Island, or the Spongebob Squarepants theme song)