Phreaky Phriday

Here, I Have a Note : These, my dears, are the last two chapters. *sob* (Now, now, try and pull yourselves together ...) I apologize profusely for taking so long to get them up, but I was having a little trouble coming up with an exact ending, and then school started, which meant my free time virtually disappeared. Thanks so much for being patient and for reviewing / reading this phic! I love you all.

~ LaLuna :)

Scene : To pass the time, Erik, Raoul, Carlotta, and Christine are playing a rousing game of "I Spy."

Raoul : "I spy with my little eye something ... that's ... green!"

Erik : "Green? I hate green. I can assure you there is nothing green around here."

Christine : "Well, how would you know, Raoul? This is Erik's apartment, and I happen to know there are plently of green things all over the place. Now let's see ..."

Erik : *massaging temples* "If that fairy doesn't get here soon ..."

Carlotta : "Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral?"

Raoul : (Thinks hard) "Umm ... Fruit!" (A confused silence)

Carlotta : "Okay ..."

Raoul : "You guys give up?"

Erik : "What other choice do we have?"

Raoul : "It's -" (He is interrupted by a loud bang and the sound of angry voices in the next room)

Voices : "Ow, I fell on my keys ... / I don't think those were your keys!! / Why is it so dark in here? / I'm afraid of the dark! / Shut-up! Shut-up! I need to concentrate! / I have to go to the bathroom ... / Why didn't you go back at that service station? / etc."

Christine : "What on earth ...? That sounds like ..." (Looks behind her) "Erik, isn't that the wall where the hidden door to my room is?" (Raoul stares blankly into space.) "Erik? Did you hear what I just said?" (More staring. Erik elbows him in the ribs)

Raoul : "Ow, hey! Oh, uh, I mean ... Heh, heh, sorry, I was, um, composing some stirring masterpiece in my head. What did you say, my dear?"

Christine : "Never mind." (Suddenly, Mme Giry, Andre, Firmin, the Persian and Meg burst through the wall and fall onto the floor in a tangled heap)

Giry : (To the Persian) "Some guide you are! At least when I take people down here I don't lead them straight into the mirrored torture chamber!"

Persian : "That's because you only know how to get to the lake! I'm the only other person besides Erik who can actually get into the house, never mind that it's through a death trap. At least when people are in my protection I don't allow them to waltz in through the front door expecting the welcome mat to be rolled out for them, only to find their necks caught by the Punjab lasso!"

Giry : "That was in no way my fault! I told him to keep his hands at the level of his eyes! How was I to know he wouldn't listen?"

Carlotta : "Uh, excuse me, I hate to break up this little confrontation, but, what are you all doing here?"

Andre : (Picking himself up from the rubble) "Uh, well, I think we came to rescue you ... Or to see how the Vicomte was doing, and to perhaps offer some assitance, or, at the very least, some encouraging words."

Firmin : "So ... How's it going, Monsieur le Vicomte?" (Everyone stares at Erik)

Erik : "Oh, fine, fine ... He's a crafty devil, that Opera ghost ... *ahem*" (Glances in Raoul's direction) "But I, uh, think that he's willing to let Carlotta go free, seeing as how he's got some very important business matters to take care of *coughahemahem*"

Meg : (Pulling out a small package) "Cough drop, Monsieur le Vicomte?"

Erik : "Uh, no thanks Little Giry, er, I mean, Mademoiselle Giry."

Andre : "Business matters?" (Looks at Raoul) "Like what?"

Raoul : (Nervously) "Oh, this and that, you know how it is : Money to embezzle, people to terrorize, divas to kidnap, theatres to haunt ... What can I say, a Phantom's work is never done!"

Firmin : "So, we can have our prima donna back?"

Raoul : *Tsk* "Well, no, of course not! That would be too easy! Everyone knows the Opera ghost doesn't just release prisoners all willy nilly! You gotta fight for her."

Erik : "What!?" (Grabs Raoul by the arm and pulls him into a corner) "What the heck do you think you're doing? That fairy should be here any minute to reverse the spell, and when she does, I don't want to be left alone down here with a tempermental diva and her two whiny managers while you and Christine get away scott-free!"

Raoul : (Pouting) "But that's not how it's supposed to work! You're supposed to fight to the death for her! Otherwise, it won't be any fun!"

Erik : "Fun? Fun!? Is that all you can think about, whether or not something is fun!? Life always has to amuse you, is that it?"

Raoul : "Well ... yeah. What's wrong with that?"

Erik : "Geez, no wonder you've had such a terrible time here! Look, kid, what you don't seem to be getting is that half the things I've done here haven't been for fun! When I cut down the chandelier, that wasn't for fun, that was merely my own personal way of getting my point across. When I snatched Christine from the stage and brought her here, do you think I did that for fun? No, of course not! I sensed that her affections were waning ever so slightly and thought it best to take matters into my own hands. Granted, the notes, the croaking, the taunting, watching the managers squirm, and stringing you up in the torture chamber were all, more or less, for my amusement, but it can't be a party all the time, you know."

Raoul : "Believe me, I know. Just finding this stupid house was a lot more work than I care to do in a day. I'm used to hanging around here and getting free opera and parading around the Bois and the Champs Elysees with my trophy-er, I mean, beautiful wife. I thought it would be cool to be the Master of the Paris Opera, but really it just seems like one big migraine after another."

Erik : "And I crave intellectual stimulation, of which I get virtually none in your body. People seem to think you have a brain the size of a Brazil nut and so treat you like a four-year old child with ADD. Since it would be quite inaccurate to call me anything less than astonishingly brilliant, you can imagine the frustration I have experienced."

Raoul : "Well, okay, so we've learned our lesson. I like being pretty and you like being smart. But that still doesn't fix things! We need that fairy lady."

Christine : "Uh, Erik? I hate to break up this lovely little conversation you two seem to be having, but a little woman in a sequined gown and wings just materialized over there by the divan, and I thought you should know."

Raoul and Erik : "Finally!" (They run towards where Phoebe is standing)

Phoebe : (To Andre) "What!? Haven't you ever seen a 4'3" pixie in a Calvin Kleine original seemingly appear out of nowhere beneath an opera house before? Where the hell have you been?"

Raoul : "It's about time you got here! This mask is really starting to chafe."

Erik : "And I'm actually beginning to like powder blue."

Christine : "Uh, Erik? Raoul? Would you like to introduce us to your ... friend?"

Phoebe : "The name's Phoebe, and I ain't no friend of their's. Put're there, doll face." (Extends her hand, which Christine awkwardly shakes)

Christine : "Hi, Mademoiselle ... Phoebe. I'm Christine."

Phoebe : "Right, right, I remember you. The glassy-eyed dame." (Christine looks confused) "And who's the rest of the motely crew?" (Gestures towards the group, who are now looking thoroughly bewildered)

Christine : "Uh, well ... That's Messieurs Andre and Firmin, managers of the Opera, and Carlotta, the prima donna (by default), Mme Giry, the ballet mistress and keeper of Box Five, and her daughter, Meg, the Opera's finest dancer and resident gossip. Oh, and the Persian ... We're not really sure what his job is. He just wanders around the building looking dark and mysterious."

Phoebe : "Ah yes ... I had a parakeet like that once." (Nods at the group, who wave uncertainly) "Glad to know ya." (Turns to Raoul and Erik) "Well now, how are things with you two? Learned any valuable lessons about each other?"

Raoul : "Definitely."

Phoebe : "Such as ...?" (A brief pause)

Erik : "Okay, so we lied. But we did learn that we would much rather be ourselves than anybody else." (He stops, taken aback) "Did those words really come out of MY mouth?"

Raoul : "This is getting really creepy. Please change us back before we totally loose our minds and sense of identity!"

Phoebe : "Alright, alright. Keep your mask on."

Erik : "Technically, it's not his mask."

Phoebe : "Whatever."

Carlotta : "Hold it! Just a minute, here! I think I speak for everyone when I say I have never been more confused in my life! Would someone please explain to me what is going on?"

Meg : "Well I should think it would be obvious! The Opera ghost and the Vicomte are rivals, as everyone knows, and clearly had some spell placed upon them by this pixie lady which caused them to switch places for a day, thus teaching them the importance of self-acceptance and learning to see your opposition as a human being. My guess would be that now, after a series of comical mix-ups and virtually improbable situations, the pixie is going to reverse the spell and change them back." (A stunned silence)

Phoebe : "How the heck did you know all that?"

Meg : "My real name is Sherlock Holmes."*

Giry : "That does it, young lady! You know nobody likes a know-it-all! Go to the torture chamber and think about what you've done!" (Meg leaves, grumbling)

Andre : "I always knew there was something strange about that girl."

Phoebe : "Okay! Now that that's all settled, let's get this spell over and done with. You have exactly thirty seconds left to be each other, so if there's anything you'd still like to do, you'd better do it now."

Erik : (To Raoul) "Hey ugly! I hear yo' mama puts a paper bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!"

Raoul : "Yeah, well, I heard that you're so stupid, you locked yourself in a grocery store and starved to death!"

Erik : (To the managers) "So we're doing Faust, right?"

Andre and Firmin : (Too stunned by the whole situation to think) "Uh, sure. Whatever."

Erik : "Great." (Takes a wad of bills from his coat pocket and hands them to Andre) "Here. By yourselves a nice little summer home in Brussels, compliments of the Vicomte de Chagny."

Raoul : "What!? Hey! That's not fair! Well, two can play that game!" (Marches over to the organ and begins to bang out something that sounds like a cross between Mary Had a Little Lamb and O Fortuna.)

Erik : "Ha! You may have my body, Chagny, but you'll never have my incredibly superior musical genius!"

Raoul : (Grinning slyly) "Oh really?" (Steps away from the organ and begins to sing some haunting melody, a capella. When he's through, everyone except Erik has a glassy-eyed, dreamy, glazed-over look on their face.)

Carlotta : (To Christine) "Tell me again why you chose the Vicomte over him?"

Christine : "The Vicomte ...?"

Erik : "Oh, that does it!" (Turns to Phoebe) "You change us back right now, or I'll put a stamp on you, mail you to Orlando, Florida and try and pass you off as Tinkerbell!"

Phoebe : "Okay! You've all had your fun, but I'm afraid time is up! I'll need you both to stand right over there. And no more fighting! I need a clear aura to make this work."

Raoul : (Looking up) "So long, Opera house! You're a cool place, but I definitely wouldn't want to live here."

Erik : (To Christine) "Goodbye, Christine. It was nice while it lasted ..." (Kisses her hand and goes to stand by Raoul)

Christine : "Oh Raoul ... I mean, Erik ... I mean, uh ..."

Erik : (To himself) "Yes! I might still have a chance!"

Raoul : (To himself) "Yes! Maybe I haven't lost her yet!"

Phoebe : "Are you guys ready?"

Raoul and Erik : "Definitely."

Phoebe : "Okay, one ... two ... three!" (She waves her wand professionally, waits a few seconds, and smiles.) "Well, there ya go. My work here is, thankfully, done." (She takes out a little briefcase and tucks her wand inside. There is a pause as Raoul and Erik stand perfectly still, afraid to move.)

Erik : (Opening his eyes ever so slightly) "Is ... Did you do it?"

Phoebe : (Scribbling something on a clipboard) "Yup." (The two men quickly inspect themselves, before leaping into the air with joy.)

Raoul and Erik : "WAAAAHOOOOO! I'M ME AGAIN!!" (In the flurry of excitement, they suddenly embrace each other in a huge bear hug for all of three seconds, before realizing what they are doing. Everyone freezes in either shock or, in Erik and Raoul's case, complete and utter horror.)

Erik : (His voice muffled in Raoul's shoulder) "Um ... Are we ...?"

Raoul : "I think so ..." (They instantly pull away and stare at the ceiling, coughing awkwardly)

Erik : "Um, ahem ... *cough* Yes, well ..."

Giry : "Man, that was just plain creepy!"

Christine : "I think it was sweet!"

Carlotta : (Rolling her eyes) "You would."

Phoebe : "Well, now that that's done maybe I can finally get a little R&R." (Shakes hands with Erik and Raoul) "Thanks for helping me get my wings, guys. Good luck with Crystal."

Christine : "Christine."

Phoebe : "Whatever." (Grabs briefcase) "I'm off to Bora Bora! Aloha!" (She disappears in a small cloud of smoke and glitter.)

Firmin : (Thoughtfully) "You know, that's not such a bad idea. I've been meaning to take a vacation, and I think we can finally afford it, now that we've got all this money the Vicomte so thoughtfully gave us. Whattya say, Andre? Someplace tropical?"

Andre : "Say no more, mi amigo! After all this, I don't see how anyone can not take a vacation. " (Turns to the group) "Ciao, everyone! We'll drop you a postcard or something. And remember : The Vicomte's in charge."

Raoul : "Score!"

Everyone else : "D'oh!"

Raoul : (Grabbing Christine by the arm) "C'mon, darling, let's go. I have the biggest urge to purchase something colorful."

Christine : "Well, actually Raoul, there's something I have to tell you ..."

Dun-dun-DUUUNNNN! The plot thickens ...

*Oh, by the way, Meg's line about how her real name is Sherlock Holmes was not of my own creation. It was shamelessly taken from a wonderfully random and absurd Eugene Ionesco play, entitled "The Bald Soprano." I do apologize for the minor copyright infringement.