Let me introduce myself. My name is Mary-Sue Whipple. You may think that's a strange name for an all-Australian girl, but my sister has a worse name, so I got off easy. Not that anyone calls me Mary-Sue; everyone calls me Red, because I have the most incredible red hair you ever saw. It glows. I hate it and it's curly, like some weird rat's nest, as if having red hair wasn't enough of a curse. But I have to say, I blend into the landscape beautifully. Now I guess you're wondering how I do that? Well, it's easy when you're living on a planet with red soil. Yep, you got it, I'm on Mars, and married to the most infuriating, reckless and drop dead gorgeous man there ever was. Well, maybe I should say mouse. Now you're really confused, right? I'll start at the beginning; that might make it easier. I think I remember everything, but you'll have to excuse me if it doesn't come out quite right.
*****
It all started with a new job, which is really a great way for a story to start. I'm a biologist, you see, and I spend a large part of my life running around studying animals. It's fun. Throttle says that's how I managed to catch my hubby, because I'm so good at trapping furries. But I'm getting ahead of myself again.
So here I am, 200km's south of the Alice, trapping Rock Rats to study their distribution. It's early evening, and I'm sitting next to my campfire, putting paxyl cream on all my scrapes and sandfly bites. It's been a great day; forty degrees in the shade, flies everywhere and not a single Rock Rat within a 700km radius, I'm sure. But I'm getting paid for this, and the stars out here are amazing. I'd sing, but I don't want to attract any bunyips. We all know what happened to that swagman, don't we?
The Southern cross is really low on the horizon out here, and I'm admiring the Milky Way in all it's glory, when I see the most amazing display of shooting stars. I've never seen anything like it. Not just white but red, green, orange, all the colours of the rainbow. I'm ooh-ing and aah-ing out loud, I'm so impressed. Then I notice they're getting bigger. Wow, a real meteor shower! Or is it meteorite?
While I'm debating this, the flashes get even bigger and then there's this almighty BOOM and the earth shakes. I'm on the ground, spitting out dirt before it dawns on me that the damn things are coming down here. Great. I'm in the middle of the flattest bit of Earth this side of Nebraska (or is it Ohio?) and there's a shower of space debris going on. I run for my 4-wheel drive. Any port in a storm, as they say. From under the car, I can see there's stuff coming down everywhere and then I see it. I'm not kidding you, it flew low over the car and then banked right and I lost it, but it was an honest to God UFO. My mouth was hanging open, which is why I got another load of dirt in it when a huge piece of twisted metal fell on my campfire and another ship, a different shaped one, flew overhead. Then I remembered that Oklahoma was the flattest place in the world and realised I was going to die. I covered my head with my hands and waited for the worst.
The explosions went on for ages and then gradually they moved south. I crawled out from under the car and wouldn't you know it? Dawn already. The camp wasn't too bad. The only hit my camp had taken was the big bit of metal. All the other exposions had happened further away, judging by the craters. It seemed amazing, in the dawn light, that there had been a battle above me not 2 hours ago, but there you are. And I know you don't believe in UFO's, but I have to say; until that day, neither did I. Now I know better.
I packed up what I could get to. What else could I do? There were traps to check and I didn't want some poor little rock rat dying of fright because some scientist chick was too freaked out to check her traps. But I have to say, I was freaked all right. I checked my trap line meticulously, but I was looking up all the time. consequently, I tripped over a lot.
About midmorning I had all the traps done and I was actually starting to calm down. That's when I glanced over the horizon and saw the smoke rising. Not a thin plume, like a campfire, but a big, black pall like someone's house was on fire. Which certainly wasn't likely out here. The next thing I did may sound stupid to you, but I have a healthy dose of curiousity, so I went to have a look.
I drove over the top of a ridge, and there it was; one of the ships I saw last night. I can't remember which one, whether it was the one firing or the one being fired on. But it was lying there, burning. I felt kind of sorry for the aliens, and wondered if they were "greys" or "greens". Then I wondered if Mulder and Scully ever did get together. Then I decided to call someone. I thought about ASIO, but decided the police would be a better place to start. Besides, I didn't have ASIO's number. So I leaned into the car and grabbed the car phone handset. I'm dialing the number when I feel something pressing into my back and a male voice says "Ingena n'ta assensia!". I didn't know that's what he said at the time, and I didn't know that it meant "put your hands in the air", but I did know that there was a guy with a gun out here and my rifle was in the boot, unloaded. Well, @#%$.
I put my hands up and turned around. Then I said the most intelligent thing ever said to an extraterrestrial, which Stoker tells me was "guhh?". I'm sure I said something witty, like "welcome to Earth," but he assures me that's not true. Darn it. So I'm gaping and you know, I think I had a right to be a little startled. Why doesn't television ever get it right? These guys were ET's all right, but not like any you see on TV or the movies.
I'm guessing he was close to 7 foot in height. Muscles up the wahooie and the most gorgeous, thick, chocolate brown fur you ever saw. He had a muzzle like a cat or something, but really human hands. He was wearing clothes too, which was a pity, because my scientist mind was dying of curiousity. I resisted the urge to slap a pit tag and a radio collar on him and shove him in a gunny sack. He was holding a gun on me, after all. There was a sudden "bang!" from the ship, and he glanced that way, so I started edging towards the boot. Slap a trank in this guy and I could drive into the Alice and make world history. At that point, it didn't even occur to me that I'd never be able to lift him. He caught me at it though, and grabbed my arm, saying Sesceyana!, which I figured was his equivalent of "oh no you don't!"
Next thing you know, another one comes around the corner. This one was a little shorter, but not by much, and more muscular, with really nice tan fur, like a golden retriever, and he was wearing sunglasses. Well, why not? I'm sure they have sun where they come from. So then they start gabbling away in the ET lingo, and this guy still has my arm. So while he's distracted I take the opportunity to examine the fur in closer detail. It looked like normal fur. Wooly undercoat - handy for insulation. The muscles underneath were quite firm and felt like they were in a similar arrangement to human muscles. I was wishing I had my notebook handy. I was looking in detail at the clothes when I realised they'd stopped gabbling and were both looking at me. The big brown guy drops his jaw and shows all his teeth. Boy, he's got a lot. I don't think these guys are vegetarian. But I swear those are rodent incisors he's got.
Goldie goes around to the other side of the car and jumps into the passenger seat. Brownie gestures with his gun thing at the driver's side. Well, like I have a lot of choice here. I could refuse, but hey; then I'd either be dead or stranded and dead. So I get in. He gets in the back. Goldie points South and jabbers something at me. Okay, I get it. I put on my seatbelt and start the car. We move of, and they start jabbering again. Meanwhile I'm looking at the carphone and wondering how the heck I can communicate to someone that I'm being abducted by aliens. "Yes, hello, Alice Springs police station? Hi, it's Red here, I'm being abducted by aliens, could you send a squad car please?" Oh yes, that would go down a treat. I sigh. Goldie shows his teeth. I sure hope that's a smile.
*****
It all started with a new job, which is really a great way for a story to start. I'm a biologist, you see, and I spend a large part of my life running around studying animals. It's fun. Throttle says that's how I managed to catch my hubby, because I'm so good at trapping furries. But I'm getting ahead of myself again.
So here I am, 200km's south of the Alice, trapping Rock Rats to study their distribution. It's early evening, and I'm sitting next to my campfire, putting paxyl cream on all my scrapes and sandfly bites. It's been a great day; forty degrees in the shade, flies everywhere and not a single Rock Rat within a 700km radius, I'm sure. But I'm getting paid for this, and the stars out here are amazing. I'd sing, but I don't want to attract any bunyips. We all know what happened to that swagman, don't we?
The Southern cross is really low on the horizon out here, and I'm admiring the Milky Way in all it's glory, when I see the most amazing display of shooting stars. I've never seen anything like it. Not just white but red, green, orange, all the colours of the rainbow. I'm ooh-ing and aah-ing out loud, I'm so impressed. Then I notice they're getting bigger. Wow, a real meteor shower! Or is it meteorite?
While I'm debating this, the flashes get even bigger and then there's this almighty BOOM and the earth shakes. I'm on the ground, spitting out dirt before it dawns on me that the damn things are coming down here. Great. I'm in the middle of the flattest bit of Earth this side of Nebraska (or is it Ohio?) and there's a shower of space debris going on. I run for my 4-wheel drive. Any port in a storm, as they say. From under the car, I can see there's stuff coming down everywhere and then I see it. I'm not kidding you, it flew low over the car and then banked right and I lost it, but it was an honest to God UFO. My mouth was hanging open, which is why I got another load of dirt in it when a huge piece of twisted metal fell on my campfire and another ship, a different shaped one, flew overhead. Then I remembered that Oklahoma was the flattest place in the world and realised I was going to die. I covered my head with my hands and waited for the worst.
The explosions went on for ages and then gradually they moved south. I crawled out from under the car and wouldn't you know it? Dawn already. The camp wasn't too bad. The only hit my camp had taken was the big bit of metal. All the other exposions had happened further away, judging by the craters. It seemed amazing, in the dawn light, that there had been a battle above me not 2 hours ago, but there you are. And I know you don't believe in UFO's, but I have to say; until that day, neither did I. Now I know better.
I packed up what I could get to. What else could I do? There were traps to check and I didn't want some poor little rock rat dying of fright because some scientist chick was too freaked out to check her traps. But I have to say, I was freaked all right. I checked my trap line meticulously, but I was looking up all the time. consequently, I tripped over a lot.
About midmorning I had all the traps done and I was actually starting to calm down. That's when I glanced over the horizon and saw the smoke rising. Not a thin plume, like a campfire, but a big, black pall like someone's house was on fire. Which certainly wasn't likely out here. The next thing I did may sound stupid to you, but I have a healthy dose of curiousity, so I went to have a look.
I drove over the top of a ridge, and there it was; one of the ships I saw last night. I can't remember which one, whether it was the one firing or the one being fired on. But it was lying there, burning. I felt kind of sorry for the aliens, and wondered if they were "greys" or "greens". Then I wondered if Mulder and Scully ever did get together. Then I decided to call someone. I thought about ASIO, but decided the police would be a better place to start. Besides, I didn't have ASIO's number. So I leaned into the car and grabbed the car phone handset. I'm dialing the number when I feel something pressing into my back and a male voice says "Ingena n'ta assensia!". I didn't know that's what he said at the time, and I didn't know that it meant "put your hands in the air", but I did know that there was a guy with a gun out here and my rifle was in the boot, unloaded. Well, @#%$.
I put my hands up and turned around. Then I said the most intelligent thing ever said to an extraterrestrial, which Stoker tells me was "guhh?". I'm sure I said something witty, like "welcome to Earth," but he assures me that's not true. Darn it. So I'm gaping and you know, I think I had a right to be a little startled. Why doesn't television ever get it right? These guys were ET's all right, but not like any you see on TV or the movies.
I'm guessing he was close to 7 foot in height. Muscles up the wahooie and the most gorgeous, thick, chocolate brown fur you ever saw. He had a muzzle like a cat or something, but really human hands. He was wearing clothes too, which was a pity, because my scientist mind was dying of curiousity. I resisted the urge to slap a pit tag and a radio collar on him and shove him in a gunny sack. He was holding a gun on me, after all. There was a sudden "bang!" from the ship, and he glanced that way, so I started edging towards the boot. Slap a trank in this guy and I could drive into the Alice and make world history. At that point, it didn't even occur to me that I'd never be able to lift him. He caught me at it though, and grabbed my arm, saying Sesceyana!, which I figured was his equivalent of "oh no you don't!"
Next thing you know, another one comes around the corner. This one was a little shorter, but not by much, and more muscular, with really nice tan fur, like a golden retriever, and he was wearing sunglasses. Well, why not? I'm sure they have sun where they come from. So then they start gabbling away in the ET lingo, and this guy still has my arm. So while he's distracted I take the opportunity to examine the fur in closer detail. It looked like normal fur. Wooly undercoat - handy for insulation. The muscles underneath were quite firm and felt like they were in a similar arrangement to human muscles. I was wishing I had my notebook handy. I was looking in detail at the clothes when I realised they'd stopped gabbling and were both looking at me. The big brown guy drops his jaw and shows all his teeth. Boy, he's got a lot. I don't think these guys are vegetarian. But I swear those are rodent incisors he's got.
Goldie goes around to the other side of the car and jumps into the passenger seat. Brownie gestures with his gun thing at the driver's side. Well, like I have a lot of choice here. I could refuse, but hey; then I'd either be dead or stranded and dead. So I get in. He gets in the back. Goldie points South and jabbers something at me. Okay, I get it. I put on my seatbelt and start the car. We move of, and they start jabbering again. Meanwhile I'm looking at the carphone and wondering how the heck I can communicate to someone that I'm being abducted by aliens. "Yes, hello, Alice Springs police station? Hi, it's Red here, I'm being abducted by aliens, could you send a squad car please?" Oh yes, that would go down a treat. I sigh. Goldie shows his teeth. I sure hope that's a smile.