Disclaimer: This is a work of fan-fiction, written, and hopefully read, strictly for enjoyment. The main characters of Mark, Steve, Amanda, and Jesse, as well as Alex, Cheryl, CJ, Dion, Captain Newman and Chief Masters and any others that you recognise are from the series Diagnosis Murder, and as such are the property of CBS/Viacom. All new characters, especially Detective Reagan Yeager, her family, Eliana Travis, Jo/Texas Walters, Martin Robertson, Officer Campbell and Doctor Wil Collins are mine.
This story carries on from For Always. The traumatic events that happened in that story still have to be addressed, and so for Steve, Mark, Jesse, Amanda, Rae and Jo, although life is seemingly back to some sort of normality, the reality of the situation is that they all have ghosts that need to be dealt with before they can start to enjoy life once more.
This story has taken over six months to write, and sometimes it was a little hard going, but I was always encouraged and helped by my two very special beta reading friends. Ladies, you know who you are, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.Past Problems, Future Worries
If he shut his eyes, Jesse could see the journalists and photographers as they swarmed around his wife and child, a month ago, outside the courthouse. Rae had still been in a wheelchair then, and, after Steve had taken Eliana out of Rae's lap and held her close to him, Jesse had tried to push his wife out of the way of all the lenses and microphones but she had asked him to stop. Then she had begun to speak, and her voice had been confident and clear.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I will not answer your questions, because I would really like to get home, but I just wish to say this. The fact that I knew I was innocent was never going to be enough to keep me out of jail and, as you know, I was right, it wasn't enough, and I would still be there if it hadn't been for the determination of my family and friends. All I want to do now is go home and try to recover from my injuries so that I can get my life back to some sort of normality."
"How do you feel about the people responsible for your current disabilities?" The voice floated over from the back of the group of journalists, and Rae had no idea who was speaking.
"I'm very sad that it had to happen, and I know that it resulted in their having extra charges against them, but I don't really feel anything about them."
"What about the detectives who arrested you? They were your colleagues, after all."
"No, they are my colleagues, I think they were in a horrendous position, and let's face it, the evidence pointed towards me, they didn't really have a choice. Thank goodness they kept searching though, because now I am free and it is due, in part, to them."
"And if you hadn't been a cop, do you think they would have kept looking then?" The voice asking the question was out of Rae's eye line, but then everybody not directly in front of her was out of her eye line. Rae felt the chair move slightly, as, she guessed, Jesse tightened his grip on the handles.
"And your daughter is she all right again now?"
Rae smiled this time and everybody could see just how much pleasure she got from the little girl. "She's fine, and I would like to thank you, all of you, for the part you played in getting her home to her father and me." Rae was glad of the opportunity to ignore the stupid question from before, but the journalist wasn't going to give up that easily and once again the voice floated towards her and Jesse saw his wife clench her right fist.
"Do you think that you would have received the death penalty if you had been found guilty?"
"Ok, that's all the questions we have time for." Jesse hadn't said another word, but he had begun to push the wheelchair forwards and gradually everyone had moved out of their way, and he had been able to steer Rae towards the parking lot, and finally, after they had ignored the microphones being thrust under Rae's nose they had got into the car and gone home.
That had been eight weeks ago, and, for the first few days after that, life had been almost as it should be. He and Rae had planned a Christmas with all their friends, but the reaction from the court case had come in the form of Rae wanting to just shut the door on the world and stay with her immediate family. She had phoned through to Jo and explained that the Travis's wouldn't be coming for Christmas and after the panic of realising that they didn't actually have a turkey or anything else to eat for Christmas dinner, they had done some last minute internet food shopping and had a really good time.
Eliana had got another cold on Christmas Eve, and she had needed her preventative medicine, but it hadn't dampened her enthusiasm for her newly acquired ability to crawl and although she didn't travel very far Jesse had needed eyes in the back of his head for the whole of the holiday. In fact, as much as he and Rae had loved their Christmas tree, both of them had been glad to see it head towards the recycling centre at the beginning of the year.
The brace that Alex had designed for Rae's left arm had seemed to spur her on to greater success with the therapy on her right arm and her knee. The left knee had returned almost to normal once the swelling had gone down, and the brace that she had been using on her right leg was gradually being phased out. The wheelchair was still folded up behind the door in the family room, but Rae hadn't used it since the day she arrived home from the courtroom and Jesse knew that she hoped that she would never have to sit in it again.
The presents that Jesse had arranged to be delivered in England had been a great success, and they had received wonderful e-mails from Rae's children on the day after Christmas, which Rae called Boxing Day, and a week later they had received letters through the mail also thanking them for everything they had received.
Jesse looked at his watch, it was just after eleven in the morning, and he wasn't due to start at the hospital until one. Rae had taken Eliana over to Jo's; or rather Steve had come and picked them up. Jesse shook his head as he thought about Steve. He was his best friend, and he hadn't spoken to him since that night in Bob's when an apology had turned into an argument and Steve had thrown him out.
If he was rational about things he knew that he had been out of line with Steve, but he had been shut out of the search for his daughter, and then Steve had brought Ron in. Maybe he had blamed him a little too much, but he knew that he couldn't take his words back, and when he thought of them he was so deeply ashamed that he had been avoiding his friend ever since. Steve was like a brother and he missed him; he missed his council, his friendship and his companionship. But at the time his family was more important, and they'd had to come first.
Jesse looked at his watch and saw that it was time to go and check his mailbox. He was expecting some brochures from a couple of security companies that he had contacted, and he wanted to check their prices before he headed to the hospital.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rae had been at Jo's for about two hours before Steve came to see her with a smile on his face. He had dropped her off and then he had been to the gym and Rae had a feeling that he had probably run there and back. "Hey, Rae, I have something for you." Rae could see that he had a folder in his hands. "I have had this in my car for too long to remember, but I kept missing the chance to give it to you."
Rae had turned her head towards the voice as Steve had started to talk. She was no longer wearing the neck collar, and she could walk, albeit slowly, without any assistance, but her arms were causing her a lot of pain and the left one was still paralysed from the wrist to the shoulder. "What is it?"
They were both standing in Michael's kitchen, Rae had just finished a drink and, anxious to keep moving so she didn't seize up, she had brought her glass back herself. "It's the condensed version of the drive-by shootings I've been working. I don't know if they've stopped, but we haven't had any for a while. They had a distinct pattern to them but I'm not going to tell you what it is. You are still on the payroll, Detective, so you can tell me." Steve had smiled, but he noticed that Rae had turned away again. "Rae? What's the matter?"
"Nothing really, I just feel such a fraud, drawing a salary when I can't do the job."
"Yeah, I knew you would, but it's nothing you don't deserve. You're entitled to it; you know that, that's why you paid to have the insurance coverage."
"But I wasn't injured in the line of duty, and so I don't think I should get it. Gilbert says that I could sue for damages, and I may have to do that if I can't get back to some sort of police work before too long. Anyway, I didn't come here for that, I came to see you and Texas, and for you to spend some time with your goddaughter. Can I read this when I get home?"
"Yeah, sure. Rae, we're having a get together at Bob's tomorrow night, just the homicide division and their partners. It will be an open house sort of thing, so that as many of them as possible can attend. I'm there all night, so is Jo, and if Jesse isn't working you and he are welcome. Would you like to come?"
"No, Jesse isn't working tomorrow night, and yes, I would love to, thank you, Steve. Do you think Michael would baby sit for us?"
"I'm sure he would. Everybody would love to see you there, Rae." Steve smiled again and Rae moved over and into the welcome embrace of her partner. She rested her head against his chest and felt his arms go round her.
"I don't know what I would have done if you had carried on thinking I was guilty. I need you in my life, Steve. Not just as my partner, but as my friend."
"Hey, it will take more than three murder charges to split us up." Steve kissed the top of Rae's head but he knew that it had almost taken a lot less than three murder charges. Four or five unintentionally spoken words from his father had almost ruined their friendship and cost Rae her life, but thankfully everything had been explained, Rae had been cleared and at least the two of them were the same friends they had always been. Steve sighed and tried not to think about Jesse. The argument at Bob's had shocked and saddened him, and part of him wondered whether they would ever be on speaking terms again, he wanted to talk to Rae about it, but he wasn't sure where to start so he pushed the pain to the back of his mind, loosened his grip on her a little and then together they moved out into the hallway, and headed into the morning room, where they knew that Jo and Eliana were playing.
Eliana was sitting in the middle of the carpet with her shape sorter and giraffe next to her. She had got all sorts of presents for Christmas, but whatever she played with she always returned to her two favourites. As she saw her mother she began to bounce. "Mamamama."
"Hey, Sweetie, I guess that we didn't need to buy you anything for Christmas, you just keep on with the same old things." Steve was down on the floor with his goddaughter almost immediately, and he began to hand the shapes to her. Eliana looked at each one then she dropped them on the floor and waited for her Uncle Steve to hand her another one. This time though Steve folded his hand round the shape and then just showed Eliana his two fists. He smiled at her and she smiled back. So he stuck his tongue out at her, and she did that too, then Steve turned his hands over so that she could see the fingers and he put them down so she could touch them. "Where did the shape go?" Eliana just looked at him so Steve opened both hands at once and she reached out for the shape. Quickly he covered the square back up and watched her. For a moment his goddaughter looked at the two hands in front of her and Steve could see she was working things out, then she let out a shriek and thumped his hands with hers.
"Honey, that's not quite how you do it." Rae smiled and watched the interaction between the two of them. Eliana had begun to realise that there were other people in the world apart from her, and she was quite shy around strangers, Steve however, would never be a stranger and she was quite capable of getting hysterically overexcited whenever she saw him.
Jo got down on the floor and carefully opened Steve's fingers with her own, making sure that the little girl was watching her and then Jo took the shape and gave it to her. "Ta."
Steve had taken another shape, a circle this time and putting it in his hands he held them out and Jo took Eliana's hand and used her fingers to open up the fist. Eliana grinned when she saw the shape and took it herself. Rae eased herself into a chair and watched the interplay between the three people on the floor. For a little over twenty minutes they played find the shape, and it wasn't long before Eliana was opening Steve's hands by herself.
Rae hadn't said anything, but she was worried that her daughter, who was now almost ten months old, was still quite content to sit and play in the same place for long periods of time. Although she could crawl she didn't travel very far, and she hadn't tried to do any of the things that her other children could do at her age. Her playing was the same, she seemed to be happier doing the one thing over and over again, and the shape sorter was a case in point, she just tipped it out, sucked the shapes and then left it alone until she needed to suck them again.
As they sat there Mark came into the room and Rae was shocked at how grey he looked. "Mark, are you all right? Only, I hate to say this, but you look awful."
Steve dropped the shapes to the floor and was on his feet and standing by his dad in an instant.
"Thank you so much! No, I feel pretty lousy, Steve, do you think you could run me over to Community General, I think I'll go see Wil or Jesse. It's probably just something I ate, but I guess it's better to check."
"Mark, Jesse is at home, let Steve run you there, I can come with Eliana and then it will all be over in one journey."
"Ok, thank you."
"I'll just phone an' let him know that you are comin'." Jo moved over and picked up the phone and dialled the familiar number. While she waited for Jesse to answer she watched as Steve anxiously led his father to a chair, and then Rae began to slowly put Eliana's baby things back into her diaper bag.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jesse was waiting by the door when Steve pulled up and he came out to see if Mark needed any help getting into the house.
"Mark?"
"It's ok, Jesse, the pain has gone now, I guess I'm just panicking over nothing."
"Dad, just get Jesse to check you over, you may as well now we're here." Steve had moved round and stepped in front of Jesse to give his father his arm.
"Jesse, Honey, could you take Eliana into the house?" Rae had let Mark sit in the front of Jo's car, which had been the easiest for them all to travel in, and now she was carefully moving so that she could leave the car herself. Jesse moved over and picked up the car seat and then watched to make sure that both Mark and Rae were ok.
Jesse directed Mark into the spare bedroom so that he could check him over, and Steve, Rae and Eliana went into the living room. Steve undid the child seat and then picked up the little girl. He kissed her gently on the cheek and she reached up and took a handful of his hair. "No, Eliana, we don't do that." Steve moved her hand down and was pleased to see that she didn't begin to cry.
"Steve, can I get you a coffee?" Rae smiled across at him, and saw him nod. She moved carefully into the kitchen and gradually began to gather together the things that she needed. The arm brace meant that she could pick up items on the counter with her left hand, and the slowly improving movement in her right arm enabled her to do most things, but they were painful and took time. The coffee mugs were now kept where she could easily reach them, and the coffee machine was permanently on when Jesse was home anyway, so Rae carefully took hold of the pot with her right hand and moved it off the hotplate and onto the counter. Then she slid it along until it was next to the mug, picked it up cautiously and poured out the required amount. The process was then carried out in reverse and soon the pot was back on the machine and Rae had one black coffee. "Do you want milk?" Rae called out to her partner, sometimes Steve drank it black and sometimes he didn't. When there was no reply she picked up the mug and made her way back to the living room.
The doors to the yard were open and Rae could see Steve sitting on the deck with Eliana on his lap. It was a mild spring day and Eliana had jeans and a sweater on so she wouldn't get cold. Rae put the coffee down on a coaster and then moved out and joined her partner. "Are you ok, Steve?"
"Yeah, I think so, I guess it's just that I'm worried about Dad, and you, I know you are doing great things, but … well, I want you back, Rae, and that day seems a long way off."
Rae smiled at him, it was the first time he had voiced the same fears that she felt. "I know it does, and sometimes I think that I will never get there. Steve, you have to accept that for the next year I won't be your partner. You can bring stuff home like the drive bys, and I'll help you all I can, but I can't even really come into the station and help you, because I'm just a liability at the moment. What would happen if there was an incident like with those activists when I was there? I'm out of the picture, and I guess you and I are gonna have to accept that for a while."
Steve was about to reply when Mark came into the room behind them. Rae had her back to the door, but Steve saw him and went straight back inside. "Dad?" He put Eliana into her playpen as he passed it, which was not appreciated by the little girl who began to scream. "What did Jesse say?"
"Well, there was nothing to show why I had the pain, but I promised I would keep an eye on myself, and make a note of any other symptoms that I have, but it could have been anything, and … well, Michael was out last night, and you did make chilli." Mark smiled, and Steve had to admit he did have his colour back and he wasn't stooped over like he had been when he entered the morning room.
Rae had, by now, come back into the house, she had handed her daughter a drink, which had quietened her temporarily and was standing next to Mark, her right hand over his. "Can I get you a coffee?"
"Honey, I would love a coffee, but I think I will get Steve to run me home instead, I can have a drink there, and maybe an afternoon in front of the TV." Mark smiled but Rae could see the worry in his eyes, and she was very concerned for him.
"Any time, day or night, if you need Jesse, you just call. The phone is by the bed, and he will be there at your side, ok?" Rae gently kissed her friend on the cheek and was reassured a little as he put his arm around her and drew her into a firm hug.
"Thank you, Rae, I'll remember that." Mark looked over at Steve and then the two men moved down the hallway and out of the front door. Rae realised that Jesse was nowhere to be seen and called out to her husband.
"Honey, Mark and Steve are leaving."
"Ok, bye."
Rae bit back on a cutting comment, sometimes Jesse could be so tied up in what he was doing that he seemed to ignore everything that was going on around him. She watched as Mark carefully got into the car and then with a wave from Steve they were gone. With a sigh Rae closed the front door and went back to her daughter. As she entered the room she could see Jesse shutting the patio doors and locking them. "I would have done that in a minute or two."
"You shouldn't leave them open, look what happened last time, and Eliana was in here, you should have been way more careful." Jesse couldn't forget that Louise Willis had got into the house through the patio doors, stealing things that had implicated Rae in three murders.
"Jesse, nobody can get in, this is a gated community, the side gate is shut and locked and you had an alarm fitted to the back fence, she was fine."
"Yeah, well that's easy for you to say, you didn't have to suffer through the whole of her disappearance, and then her stay in Valley."
"Jesse! That's a terrible thing to say, I did suffer, you make it sound like the only person who missed her was you." Rae kept her voice level, but she was extremely hurt by his accusation. "Don't you have to be at the hospital in just over half an hour?" Rae could see the clock on the wall showing twenty past twelve, and she knew that Jesse was supposed to be starting work at one.
"How can I go now you are home? You were supposed to be staying with Jo all afternoon." Jesse had a head of steam up now, and everything was wrong as far as he was concerned.
"And I'm delighted to see you too! Jesse, I was only going over to see Texas to stop you from panicking again. I can look after Ana on my own. I just have to do things slowly and carefully, that's all, and if I have a problem I will call you or Texas."
"So, how are you gonna get her out of the playpen when it is time for her to have her lunch, or her nap?"
"I'll open the side and take her out, or you could even take her out for me before you go. Jess, she will play happily on the floor, or I can spend the afternoon and evening with her in the nursery, I can carry her, it just hurts is all."
"Well, I'll be back just after ten, but any problems and you call me, ok?" Jesse moved across and into the main bedroom to get ready for his shift at Community General.
"Yes, Sir!" Rae watched Jesse leave the room. She couldn't tell him, but now she was home and had the chance, she wanted the house to herself for a while. Ever since Jesse had started back to work full time just after Christmas he had been driving her nuts with his constant attention. At least when they were home he would let her just get on with what she wanted to do, but if she took one step outside the front door all that changed. As Rae sat down on Tony's chair her mind went back over the second weekend she had spent with Amanda and Ron.
It was the weekend in between Christmas and the New Year and Rae was still almost completely incapacitated and in a lot of pain. Jesse, because he hadn't been working very often, had drawn the short straw and was working both days, he was then off on the Monday and working New Year's Eve. Rae had known that she couldn't survive ten minutes on her own, and so had gratefully gone to stay with her friends once again.
Rae had noticed that Jesse's manner was different from the last time that they had stayed at Amanda's and she was a little concerned about him. He had called her on and off almost all day, and by the time they were eating their evening meal Rae was just about at the end of the tether, and feeling very guilty because she was wishing for the ER to change from the ghost town it had been all day to somewhere where Jesse didn't have time to call her on his cell phone every fifteen minutes.
Rae had been watching Amanda feeding her daughter for her when the phone rang again. "If that's Jesse, tell him I have gone out. That should shut him up."
"No, that'll make him call 911." Ron picked up the phone. "Bentley residence … Hi Jess, she's eating her dinner right now … No, I think it'll get cold if she does that … She'll call you later … Bye." Ron shut off the phone before Jesse could say another word and then he looked over at Rae with a self-satisfied grin on his face. "I think I bought you, what, ten minutes of peace and quiet?"
It had been a little more than that, but not much. Rae and Amanda had taken Eliana upstairs and were reading her a story when they heard the phone ring again. "Hello, Bentley residence… Jesse, go away. She's fine, she is putting your daughter to sleep and she'll see you later." The phone was slammed back down on the table, and then Ron's voice floated up the stairs. "Sorry, Rae, but he is really beginning to annoy me."
"Ron!" Amanda had sounded scandalised, but Rae had just smiled.
"I know, I have to admit it's driving me nuts too, but he's worried about me, and Eliana, I guess I could call him once she goes off to sleep."
Rae had called back, but Jesse had been with a patient, and shrugging off the feelings that she had somehow caused him to be busy she decided to be glad that he was being kept occupied and she had then spent a very pleasant evening with Amanda and Ron and the two boys just enjoying their company and the gentle flow of conversation, at least she had until Jesse had finished with his patient, and then the phone calls had begun again. By the time Jesse arrived at Amanda's that night he had called twenty eight times. Ron had begun to make a chart after the fourth call, and by the time he got to fifteen he was ready to throw it out the window. During the afternoon Rae had slept for almost two hours and Jesse had called four times, just to make sure she was still asleep! When he called to say that he was just drawing in outside Rae had told him to stay in the car for ten minutes because they were all fed up with the sound of his voice, but he couldn't, and he was inside the house before she had put the phone down.
Rae was pulled back to the present as Jesse called out to her. "Rae, I have to go now, I'll see you tonight. Now, you are sure you are all right?"
"Yes, Jesse I'm fine. Eliana's fine too; if you can just take her out of her playpen we will be all right for the rest of the afternoon and the evening, ok?"
Jesse leant over and picked up his daughter as he carried on speaking. "And you have your cell phone in your pocket don't you? All the numbers are programmed in, all you have to do…"
"Ok, Jesse, that's enough! I know how to use a cell phone, I know how to dial 911, hell, I used to be 911, now go to work or it will be you needing a doctor."
Jesse saw the look on his wife's face and knew that he was pushing her to the limits. "I'm going, I'm going, but I'll call once or twice during the day, just to make sure that you are doing ok."
"Jesse, so help me if you call me twenty eight times, I will stop answering the phone. Now, GO!" Rae carefully put her right arm out and Jesse handed her their daughter. Although she held her a little awkwardly Jesse could see that there was no possibility of Eliana falling from her mother's grasp and so with a sigh he moved towards the front door.
"I'll be back just after ten."
"I know." Rae didn't even try to be polite she just glared at him, and then felt guilty and relieved at the same time as the front door shut and a minute or two later she heard the car start up and pull away from the house.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Steve was pulling his last night shift and so he headed towards the station just before five. After he had given the drive-by shooting file to Rae he had decided to go over it all once again when he got into the squad room. Unfortunately neither George Bannister nor Campbell was there, and so he poured himself a coffee and began to read through the paperwork alone.
The shootings hadn't been his case to start with, but when Rae had been withdrawn from active duty on medical grounds he had passed over one of his current cases to Cheryl and Martin, the one which had resulted in Rae being charged with murder, and almost fatally injured, and he had moved across to work on the drive by shootings. Although it had been Bannister and Campbell's case they had deferred to him as the senior detective, and he had effectively taken it over from then on. Not that it had made a scrap of difference. They still had no idea who had carried out the shootings, or why. They obviously knew when and where, but that was all. Steve looked at the lists before him. He had worked out the timescale, or he thought he had. Nothing had happened since before Christmas, and he wondered whether the trail was now so cold as to mean that nothing more would happen and if it did they wouldn't link it to what had gone before. The locations had left them all stumped and still Steve couldn't see a link. He wondered briefly if his dad would have solved it by now had he been fully fit, but it wasn't a thought that stayed in his mind long.
Mark was taking much longer to bounce back from his injury than they had all hoped, and for the first time Steve was aware that his dad wasn't getting any younger. The look on his face as he had come into the morning room when Jo and he had been playing with Eliana had scared Steve, but Jesse had said that he was ok, and he had to be satisfied with that. Jesse. Steve shook his head at the thought of his best friend. He tried not to think about him at all if he could possibly avoid it, and yet today he had thought about him twice, and actually seen him, although they hadn't spoken, but that hadn't surprised him, they hardly ever spoke these days. The pain he felt when he brought Jesse to the front of his mind and the things that he had said to him when they had been searching for Eliana still hurt so much that it was almost a physical ache.
Steve shook the image away and looked back down at the list of names. Nothing, whatever way he viewed it, he came up with nothing, and yet there had to be something. Unless the whole message was in the timeframe, and the locations were picked at random. But if that was the case then Steve had a feeling that they would never solve it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rae and Eliana had eaten finger food for lunch. The highchair in the breakfast room was at a convenient height for Rae to just slide her daughter in. Then she had made some Marmite squares for Eliana, silently thanking Michael once again for showing her the Internet site where he purchased all the things he missed from England, and then she had made herself some as well. They had sat at the table and mother and daughter had chatted away to each other, Rae about all the things they would do as the spring arrived, and Eliana about, well, Rae had no idea what she chatted about, but she was making more noises now, and so her 'words' almost sounded like a hesitant conversation.
After lunch Rae had kept her daughter in the high chair and they had played a hide and seek game. Rae had some white chocolate buttons and she would put one on the tray of the chair with a cup over it. Next to it was another cup, and if Eliana lifted the right one she got the candy. They'd had an enjoyable time, and Rae had felt herself relax after her confrontation with Jesse earlier. It was almost a quarter past two before Eliana began to get sleepy and so Rae had carefully taken her out of her chair. She didn't have to raise her right arm very high to do this, because the tray came off the front and that made the whole operation much easier. Rae didn't hold the little girl in any recognised way, but both of them seemed happy with it. With her daughter's soft pudgy arms clasped tightly around her neck Rae made her way towards the nursery. The feeling of the skin against her own was the only thing that Rae could tolerate anywhere near her throat, but when Eliana had first learnt how to hug, it made Rae so happy it had never occurred to her that the child had been hanging round her neck. Only several days later when Jesse had mentioned it, did she realize that it didn't affect her at all, apart from making her very happy.
The terror when it started had surprised and scared Rae. She had put her daughter down for her nap and as she closed the door she felt the beginnings of a panic attack. The overwhelming emotion was one of vulnerability, and Rae needed her husband with her, just to hold her and tell her everything was all right. Rae shut her eyes and leant back against the cool surface of the wall behind her. He's working, you know where he is, it's fine. Rae began to chant her own private mantra in her mind. Although she hadn't told anyone, her biggest fear was not knowing where Jesse was and what he was doing, all the time, but she did know where he had gone and what he would be doing now he was there. Everything would be ok. Slowly, Rae felt herself gain control once again, and she began to relax. As her breathing calmed Rae opened her eyes and smiled, she had beaten it, maybe next time her demons wouldn't creep up on her like that.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jesse had arrived at the hospital just in time to be called into action on an accident caused by a drunk driver who had ploughed into a line of people at a bus stop. The injuries had been horrific, and they had lost two people in the trauma suites. Jesse had battled for over twenty minutes on one young man of about twenty-four, but in the end he'd had to admit defeat and pronounce him dead.
Amanda had been working and had come up from her path lab to supervise the removal of the bodies. She had seen Jesse slumped in trauma one and gone in to see him.
"Jesse, I am so sorry, the nurse told me that you were working on that young man. I'm sure you did all you could."
"I did, I really did, but I just couldn't save him, he was so young Amanda, he had his whole life ahead of him, and one lousy drunk took it away from him!" Jesse slammed his fist down on the gurney he was leaning against "Dammit, sometimes I just hate this job!"
"Jesse!" Amanda couldn't remember Jesse speaking like that before. "Jess, look at me." Amanda placed a hand on either arm and turned her friend towards her. She was getting very worried about him, and she had a feeling that she had good reason. When Ron had been on the phone the night before he told her that Jesse had been calling him trying to find out about the best possible security systems that he could install at his house, whether the FBI had self defence classes for civilians, or if not, whether Ron could get him enrolled on one of his own courses, or give him lessons himself. Now he was losing his temper at work, and that was almost unheard of. It hadn't taken her long to process her thoughts, and she could see that Jesse wasn't going to look at her without more prompting. "Jesse." Amanda knew she was talking to him as she would CJ or Dion but it seemed to work.
"Amanda, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. I just seem to be a little more emotional than usual these days."
"Well, that's hardly surprising. Honey, you have been through more than the rest of us put together. You've survived the most harrowing of times, but you work in a traumatic environment and you are gonna see heartbreak every day. Sometimes you will be able to prevent it, but sometimes, like today, you won't. Look, it's quiet in here for now, how about a cup of coffee and a little talk, huh?"
"Ok, thank you, Amanda." The two friends walked together to the doctor's lounge, and taking a deep breath Jesse began to unburden himself of some of his problems.
"I just want to stay home and keep my family safe, I feel so scared every time I have to leave them someplace, or I have to come to work. Rae is on her own right now, just her and Eliana, and that scares the hell out of me, and I know I am gonna drive her away because she gets so mad when I try to keep her home, and … and I need to call her, right now, just to make sure she is fine." Jesse moved over towards the phone, and Amanda let him go. She watched him, and she could see that he was breathing heavily and trying to get himself to at least sound calm before he called his wife.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rae had been extremely glad to be able to put her panic attack out of her mind. The journey from the kitchen to the nursery had seemed way longer than usual, and she had wondered whether she was going to make it or not, maybe that had made her feel more vulnerable. But now the little girl was lying in bed, her soft dolly in her hands and as Rae returned to the nursery Eliana's eyelids came gently down, then the beautiful face became serene and relaxed and Rae felt as if her heart would explode with all the love she felt. She quietly shut the door, walked back towards the living room, the peace and quiet enveloping her and making her feel a little more whole, a little more real, and a little more secure in what she could accomplish.
As Rae sat down the phone began to ring and she carefully picked it up. She heard her husband's voice and smiled, the final remnants of her panic attack disappearing with the sound. "Hey, Jess, how's it going?"
Jesse could hear that Rae was fine, and so, instead of telling her that he missed her, or that he was worried about her, he went with what was easiest. "It's busy, I'm busy, but I just wanted to check on you."
"Honey, we're fine, Eliana is asleep and I am just gonna potter around the house, see what new skills I can acquire. Jesse…" Rae paused, he hadn't contradicted her or told her to be careful, and she was concerned.
"I'm still here."
"I love you, Jess, you do know that, don't you?"
"Oh, yeah, I know that, and I love you too. Now, you go and do your chores, and I'll do mine, I'll see you later."
Rae smiled at the phone, and heard it click, she put the receiver back down and then, having decided what to do next headed for her kitchen.
By the time that Jesse arrived home at half past ten that night Rae was exhausted but extremely pleased with herself. Eliana was in bed, the table was laid in the breakfast room and Rae had made the evening meal all by herself. She knew it was a little late, but Jesse usually ate something when he got in, no matter what time it was, and she hoped that tonight would be no exception. The headlights from his car lit up the window for an instant and then the world was dark again. Rae waited, the only light in the room coming from the candles it had taken her ten minutes to light. She heard the door unlock and then open and close. Carefully Rae made her way into the doorway of the kitchen and watched Jesse shrug himself out of his jacket.
"Rae? Honey, I thought you would be in bed. Are you ok?"
"Yes, Jesse, I'm fine, I waited up to have dinner with you." Rae smiled at him, the love evident in her eyes. "I made it specially."
"Oh, God, Rae, no. I ate in the cafeteria, they had some salad and I just had that. I am so sorry. Can we eat it tomorrow? I don't work tomorrow."
"Yeah, I guess we can heat it up for lunch." Rae moved into the kitchen and blew out the candles. Then with a heavy heart she moved back out into the hallway to see Jesse already heading towards the bedroom. She guessed that now wouldn't be the right time to mention that she was planning on them both going out the following night.