Tears Before Bedtime
Steve and Jo had driven Rae home just after eleven, and she had asked them in for coffee, but they had both declined. All the lights except the one in the hallway were off, and Rae knew that Jesse had put both himself and their daughter to bed. She slowly let herself into the house, and as she shut the door on her friends, all the exhilaration of the evening left her, and she just felt the desperateness of her situation overwhelm her. Stumbling slightly because of the tears in her eyes Rae made her way to the living room where she fell onto the couch and just sobbed until she had no energy left to cry any more.
It was almost half past two before Rae had gone into the bedroom. Normally Jesse helped her get undressed, especially when she was wearing jeans like she was at the moment. She didn't want to wake him up, so she went quietly into the master bathroom and, shutting the door behind her, she managed to slowly get ready for bed. As Rae finally lay down the light on the ceiling told her that the time was 3:09. The figure clicked over to 10 and she waited for sleep to claim her.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Steve and Jo hadn't hurried their drive home; instead they had enjoyed the lights from the city around them and just being each other. Steve had put Jesse's behaviour out of his mind. "I missed you while I was working nights; they really muck up a home life don't they?"
"Oh, so you noticed that then?" Jo had smiled. "As much as I like havin' the bed to myself, it is much more … user friendly, when you are there too."
"Jo!" Steve couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped him, "And there was me thinking beds were for sleeping in."
They drew up outside the house then, and waited while the garage door opened. Once Steve had parked they entered the house through the laundry room, and quietly, taking their shoes off as they did so, headed up to the bedroom.
As Jo sat at her dressing table, brushing her hair she watched Steve in the glass enjoying the sight of him as he removed his clothes. She sometimes had to pinch herself when she realised that he loved her just as much as she loved him. As the hair brush got caught in a tangle Jo took her eyes away from the mirror to try and extricate it, and so was unaware of him coming up behind her.
"Here, let me help you." Steve took the offending article out of her hands and gently removed it from her hair, then he began to brush with it himself, and for a few minutes there was total silence as Steve enjoyed the feeling of her hair, and Jo the tranquillity that she always felt when somebody else did that to her. Once Steve could see Jo relaxing he put the brush down and moving the hair away from her neck began to kiss her there, gently at first, but gradually with more passion.
Jo let him do it for a moment and then she turned slightly and with a smile in her voice began to speak. "An' I would guess that someone isn't tired then?"
"Ah, no, sorry, I'm still in my other time frame, but you can go to sleep if you want." He knew that there was no sincerity whatsoever in his words.
"Oh, yeah, right, an' what makes you think I am any more tired than you are?" Jo ran one long, deep red fingernail down her lover's chest, and felt him shiver under her touch. She moved on down and taking his shorts in both hands pulled on them until he was standing naked before her. "Maybe you had better show me what you planned to do with your night then."
Before Jo could say another word Steve scooped her up in his strong arms and carried her over to the bed. She lay there looking up into his deep blue eyes, and then felt her underclothes being removed. As Steve leant over and began to kiss her passionately on the lips Jo ran her hands down over his strong muscular back and almost screamed with pleasure as he began to kiss and lick at her nipples. She took her hands off his body and moved them over her head so that she could hold on to the bed frame as she gave herself up to him. His hands moved gently as he tickled and traced patterns across her skin, and she felt his tongue move gradually further and further down until he was kissing the mound of curly hair at the top of her legs. "Oh, God, Honey, that's wonderful, but let me play with you, before I can't control myself any longer."
Steve needed no encouragement and he instantly let her alone and rolled over onto his back. Jo lay on her side and kissed the tip of his nose. "You could have stopped slowly, maybe I should just wait until you are ready to beg."
Steve just smiled and put a hand behind her head, pulling her towards him and beginning to kiss her with a fervour and an energy that showed just how much he wanted her. As Jo moved closer to him she could feel his hardness press up against her, and she began to rock her body against his, moving away from his lips so that she could press kisses across his chest at the same time. Their movements became quicker and more frenzied, and suddenly Steve pulled away, and she opened her legs and let him enter her without a sound. The rhythm was quickly re-established, and soon both of them were on the verge of plunging together. "Jo, now, Baby, oh, God, now."
The words were all Jo needed, she felt her body explode at the same time as Steve's, and everything else ceased to exist as they fell together into the most wonderful place on earth.
They both lay, the sweat shining on their bodies, entwined together for a long while, there were no words, or actions, the fact that they were together was all they needed. But slowly Steve became aware that he did need to talk, that he had to ask her something so important that nothing would stop him from speaking. "Jo, Honey, are you awake?"
"Mmm, I am, I love the feelin's you leave me with, an' I am just lyin' here enjoyin' them, why?"
"Because I need to ask you a question, to talk something over with you."
"What now? At one in the mornin'?"
"Yes, now, at one in the morning, I need to ask you, Jo, will you marry me on Easter Saturday?"
"Oh, my… Oh, Steve, yes, I will, that would be just wonderful." Jo played with the diamond ring on her finger. Although they had been engaged for a little while, neither of them had mentioned a date for the wedding, but she knew that Easter Saturday would be just right.
"I love you, Jo, I just love you so much." Steve found her lips again, and, his question answered, began to make love to her once again.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jesse woke up with the alarm at eight the next morning and looked over at his wife, who was fast asleep beside him. He quickly shut the ringing beast off, and continued to watch her face, which, free from the pain of her waking hours, was relaxed and peaceful. He had to stop himself from touching her, because he didn't want to disturb her. There was no sound coming from the nursery, and so, hoping that his luck would hold, he headed for the shower.
As Jesse stood there, the water beating down on him he went over the previous evening again. He knew that he should have at least acknowledged Steve, but he couldn't. Every time he saw him his courage failed, and he turned tail and ran. Jesse shook the water out of his eyes and then turned the shower onto pulse, feeling the water as it beat harder against him. Why was it that apologising to someone you loved was so much harder than apologising to someone who didn't mean so much to you? He grabbed the shower gel, and began to lather himself all over, as he did so the unmistakable smell of mandarin rose up to greet him, and he realised that he had picked up the wrong one. It was another five minutes before Jesse became resigned to the fact that he would smell like a fruit salad all day and turned the water off.
Jesse walked back into the bedroom, drying his hair with a towel as he went. Rae was awake and moving herself tentatively up the bed as he entered. "Here, let me help you." Jesse was by her side in a few strides, but was instantly concerned as Rae's face went deathly pale.
"Jess, I'm gonna be sick!" Rae couldn't even move her hand up to her mouth, and Jesse, with panic resting just over his shoulder, picked up the waste basket and held it out for her. A few minutes later, she looked up at him, tears in her eyes from the exertion her actions had caused. "Thank you. Oh, God." Rae flopped back onto the pillow and Jesse sat next to her.
"Rae, Honey, are you all right?"
"No, Jesse, I just threw up last night's barbeque, do I look all right?"
"I want you to go see Wil, let him check you over." Jesse was worried about her. The peaceful look had gone to be replaced by no colour and a sadness, which he hadn't seen there for a long time.
"I'll be ok, Jesse, George was feeling rough last night, I expect I just caught something from him."
"Rae, please, you've been so ill, let me get you checked over, I can drive you myself, and bring you home, I'm not due in until one again today."
Rae looked at her husband and she could see none of the, nowadays, normal panic, but just the concern of someone who loved her. "Ok, thank you, Sweetheart."
Jesse had woken up their daughter, and fed her a quick breakfast. Rae had wanted nothing but plain water, and so it hadn't taken them long to get out of the house. Rae had been sick once more just after she had got out of bed, but nothing since then.
The Travis family had walked slowly into the ER, and Jesse, who had his daughter in his arms, had been relieved to see Shannon on duty. "Doctor Travis, Detective Yeager, is there something wrong?"
Rae sank wearily down onto one of the waiting chairs, and wished she had slept better. She hated being sick, but when you hadn't gotten much sleep it was always worse.
"My wife is feeling really bad, and I wondered whether Wil or someone could check her over."
"Of course, he's in with a patient right now; will you be able to wait a while?" Shannon looked over at Rae as she spoke, and saw her nod her head slightly. "And this little one, hey, Sweetie, how are you today?" Eliana wasn't quite sure who the lady in front of her was, and her chin shook a little bit, and then big tears filled her eyes. "Oh, Baby, I'm sorry, I guess you don't remember me, huh?"
Jesse ran his hand over the back of Eliana's head. The curls were growing back now, and her hair wasn't the constant reminder of her ordeal that it had been when she had first been returned to them. He watched as Shannon held out her hand, and then tentatively Eliana did the same.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Steve and Jo had eaten a relaxed and happy breakfast together with Mark and they had told him of their plan to be married at Easter. Steve had been delighted to see the twinkle return to his dad's eyes as they discussed the various things that had to be arranged, and Michael, upon learning of the date, had begun to make up lists in the kitchen.
Steve had gone for his usual run after breakfast, Mark had a dentist appointment and Michael was going to drop him off, and then return for him later. Jo, left to her own devices, had put a call through to Rae to tell her the news and ask her whether she would be her maid of honour, but there was no reply, and, hoping that the Travis's had gone out somewhere together as a family, she had retired to the morning room to go through her gardening magazines to try and work out a theme for her garden so that it would be able to play its part in her wedding.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As Steve pounded the streets on a run that was now as familiar to him as the one he used to take along the beach he began to plan his own parts of the wedding. The fact that Jo had agreed so readily had thrilled him beyond measure, and after the fun that everyone had had in the run up to Rae and Jesse's wedding he was already delighted about his own. As he thought about Jesse his excitement died a little. There was no one else he would want to be his best man other than Jess. Maybe he could ask Ron, but he knew that the gesture would be seen for what it was; Ron would be the second choice. Steve thought back to the night before. Rae had been so animated, so delighted to be there, joining in with the discussions, the laughter and the jokes, and he knew that she had made her peace with Cheryl, so why couldn't Jesse make peace with him?
A car horn suddenly split the air, and Steve realised that he was just about to run straight off the sidewalk without looking. He slammed on his own brakes, and tried a friendly wave to the passing motorist, but he wasn't surprised when he got a rude gesture in return. Steve knew that he shouldn't be running if he couldn't concentrate on it, and so he turned and began to jog back the other way. Jesse's face came up in his mind again; he hadn't even made eye contact with him the other night. He wanted the friendship back, not like it was, he knew that could never be, but he missed Jesse, and he wanted to be able to share his wedding plans with him, as Jesse had done when he was getting married.
The unfairness of it all hit Steve like a bullet. He had been looking over half his life to find the right person to marry, and now one of the main players would be missing, and more than that, he knew how loyal Rae was, and that meant that neither she nor Eliana would be there either. This final injustice came to him just as he arrived back at the gates to the house, and he ran in through the garage and the laundry room and straight up the stairs, not even slowing down to see where Jo was.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jo sat in the morning room and watched Steve's back as it disappeared up the stairs, and then she heard the unmistakable sound of the bedroom door being slammed shut. With a sigh she got to her feet and walked out into the entry hall, but not really knowing what to do or say she headed for the comfort of the living room and curled up in one of the big burgundy winged chairs. The sun had just begun to shine through the windows of the room, and it was still very chilly, so Jo got up again and pulled the throw from the back of the sofa and wrapped it round herself.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The water cascading down over Steve did nothing to calm him, in fact he realised that he was beginning to feel sorry for himself, and that was not an emotion he was used to. "Dammit, Jesse, we have to work this out, before it's too late." The words came out as a plea, but he knew that there was no one around to hear him, and swallowing down the feelings of self-pity he turned the water onto cold and tried to shock himself into life.
Once he had got dressed Steve headed for the living room, where he found Jo wrapped up and looking so soft and cuddly that for a while his mood was forgotten. He knelt in front of her and kissed her gently on the nose.
"Hey, you were a bit of a sour puss when you got back from your run, are you ok now?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry, I just had a few things on my mind, I'll get over it." Steve picked up the TV remote and channel hopped for a while. The sports channels which were his usual choice had nothing on that interested him, and in the end he just kept going up one channel, watching it for a minute or two and then moving on to the next one. His mind, no longer occupied with anything more trivial than who knew the winning question in Final Jeopardy returned to his main problem, Jesse and his wedding. Whatever way he looked at it, unless he apologised for something that he hadn't done, none of the Travis's would be present when he and Jo got married. With a sigh he dropped the remote onto the coffee table and stood up.
Jo, who had, for various reasons, not got much sleep the previous night, was just nodding off when the noise made her jump. "What? Steve, Honey, are you sure you're all right?"
"I didn't mean to startle you, I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it, I should go upstairs if I want to sleep."
Steve could feel the thoughts inside his head slowly eating into him and his mood was getting worse. He didn't want to take anything out on Jo; all he wanted to do was speak with Jesse. In the end he headed to the phone in the hallway, picked it up and dialled Jesse's number, after Steve had let it ring out until it was more than obvious that no one was there he slammed the receiver back onto its rest. He couldn't even get through to try and sort things out.
Without really thinking of the consequences of his actions Steve went through into the kitchen and took a beer from the refrigerator.
"I would have got that for you, Sir, if you had asked. Although if you don't mind me mentioning it, it is a little early, maybe some of the freshly squeezed orange juice, which is just next to the beer bottles on the bottom shelf?" Michael had put down his pen, and his spectacles were now hanging on their chain around his neck. On the table in front of him were two pieces of paper. The first had the weekly shopping list on it, and the second was the first of undoubtedly many lists ready for the upcoming wedding.
"Michael, I just want a beer. As someone once said it's always five o'clock somewhere in the world, so just leave me be, ok?" Steve hoped that the slight iciness in his tone would put the butler on his guard, and was relieved when the Englishman just nodded his head and returned to his paperwork.
Steve moved out into the garden and looked around him. This was where they would get married, hopefully the sun would shine down on them, Jo would look beautiful, and his dad would be so proud. Steve shook the memory away, he couldn't think about it without putting Jesse in the equation, and at the moment he had no business there.
Jo could see Steve's shadow as it moved across her garden, and she knew that he was hurting about something. Slowly she got to her feet and put her throw on the chair. She moved out into the garden and wrapped her arms around Steve from behind and rested her head on his back. "Honey, you need to unburden yourself, somethin' is wrong an' unless you tell me, I can't help you."
"Jo, just leave it, ok. I will deal with it myself." He had no idea exactly how to deal with it himself, but all of a sudden he didn't want to share.
"Ok, you know where I am if you need me. But today is supposed to be a happy day, a day when we begin to plan for our life together, an' instead you are shuttin' me out."
Steve resisted the temptation to let his anger take flight, and instead shrugged himself out of Jo's grasp and headed indoors. He grabbed the remote control again and began another trip through the channels.
Jo looked at him for a moment, her own anger rising. He had asked her to marry him; he had even set a date, and then bam, nothing! Well, if he thought that was how married life was going to be then he had better think again. Not really knowing what result she would get Jo decided that if Steve wouldn't bring things into the open then she would.
"Darlin' there was nothin' on before you decided to start your drinkin' a little early an' there is nothin' on now, so why don't you either tell me what is on your mind, or find somethin' useful to do. Your daddy will need pickin' up from the dentist before long; maybe you could do that… Which will give us all time to work out just what is the matter with you!" Jo hadn't realised that she had spoken her last thought aloud, until she saw Steve's face.
"I have some things on my mind, is all, I told you that. We aren't even married yet and you have begun to nag! Just leave it, Jo."
"Steve!" Jo felt her anger recede as she saw his advance. "Honey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"
"Leave it, Jo, just leave it! Maybe with all this wedding stuff on our minds it would be better if I went back to the beach house for a while!"
"Steve, no, please." Jo watched as he strode up the stairs two at a time and for the second time that morning heard her bedroom door slam.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jesse had wanted to go into the trauma suite with Rae, but she had been adamant that he should wait in the hallway with Eliana. Now, she was lying on the bed, a support behind her back almost identical to the one she used at home, and Wil was examining her from head to foot.
"I threw up Wil; everything else is just as it was." Rae tried a smile, but she still felt awful, and smiling was the last thing she wanted to do.
"I know, but you were due in for an examination tomorrow anyway, the hallways aren't exactly crawling with the sick and injured, and this way I can set my mind at rest, ok?"
Rae had watched him take blood, had provided the required sample in a little bottle, and knew that before long he was going to start to ask questions about how she was feeling.
"So, Rae, how are you feeling, now that things are starting to get back to normal?"
"If I tell you, you won't tell Jesse will you?"
"No, Rae, you know that, but why?" Wil looked concerned; it wasn't the answer he had expected.
Rae was tempted to mention her panic attack, but decided not to. "I went out, last night, just to Bob's, there was an open house for the homicide cops, and I had a great time, I chatted with old friends, I even helped Steve with a case he's working on, it was wonderful."
"Good, it sounds it, so why can't I tell Jesse that?" Wil wasn't just concerned any more he was confused.
"Because, when I got home I lay on the sofa and cried my eyes out for about … well, I have no idea how long for, but it was over three hours before I went to bed. I didn't know I was going to do it, I just shut my front door and began to sob."
There was a tap on the glass, and Shannon came in with a note for Wil, as she left the room he read it and began to smile. "So, I guess your feelings are a bit haywire at the moment, huh?"
"Yeah, I guess they are. I am fed up with being cooped up in the house, although feeling like this it's the only place I want to be, but why did I just go to pieces last night?"
"Well, this might have something to do with it." Wil handed Rae the piece of paper, and watched as her eyes got wide.
"Oh, for goodness sake, you're joking! Oh, I don't believe this!" Rae sat there for a moment, and then another thought struck her. "Oh great, Jesse isn't gonna let me go to the bathroom by myself anymore!"
"Rae, you're pregnant, not made of china, he will be fine."
"That's easy for you to say, still, I will have prenatal classes to attend, at least I can get out of the house for them. I guess I had better go tell him hadn't I?"
"No, not yet, I want to finish my examination first." Wil was very thorough and checked her over completely, he was concerned about the lack of movement still in her left arm, and suggested that she come back in to see a surgeon who specialised in her type of disability.
"But while I'm pregnant I won't be able to have surgery, and Alex said something about three to five months after the injury being the optimum time. Well, it's two and a half months, roughly now, so I will still be in my first tri-mester, and let's face it Wil, I'm not getting any younger, I don't plan to get pregnant again, hell, I didn't plan to get pregnant now."
"I'll look into it all for you, and contact you at home, ok? I would imagine that we could do something after the baby is born, but you're right, you are still in the early stages of this pregnancy, and unless it's life threatening, I wouldn't want you to have a general anaesthetic. Now, your husband is pacing the hallways again, so I guess we had better go and see him."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jo gave Steve just about five minutes to calm down and then she had to go and see if he was actually going to do as he had said. Something was hurting and eating away at him, and she wanted to be there for him, just as she tried to be for all those that she loved.
Once she got to the top of the stairs Jo slowed down a little. She wasn't sure what she was going to find, and so she opened the door just a crack, but through it she saw all she needed to see. Steve had actually got a suitcase down from the top of one of the wardrobes, and was trying to sort his stuff out from hers in one of the drawers of the dressing table.
Jo moved into the room, and stood next to the suitcase and waited. Finally after what seemed like an eternity Steve turned, his hands full of socks and shorts, and saw her standing there.
"Honey, this isn't right, don't do this, please. We need to talk; you have to tell me what's wrong. Last night we set the date for our weddin', an' now you are packin' to leave?"
"Jo, please, I can't talk about it."
This time Jo moved over and took the clothes out of his hands, then she gently, but firmly, began to speak. "Yes you can. Because if you shut me out now, then there is no point in us gettin' married. We will be enterin' into a partnership, an' I will expect you to be there for me, to listen when I hurt or I need comfort, or just need to complain about the price of gas, an' I want to be able to do the same for you, but you have to let me."
Steve realised that she was right, and that, by shutting her out, he could very easily destroy everything that they had. He sat on the bed and ran his fingers through his hair. He didn't want to make Jesse sound like the villain of the peace but he also knew that he had to tell it like it was.
"Do you want me to start?" Jo ran her finger down the side of Steve's face and he stared into her eyes. She saw him nod and so, taking a breath, she began to speak. "I would guess that this has somethin' to do with Jesse an' the weddin'. Would I be right?"
Steve nodded again, but the relief that he felt because Jo knew the problem already was enormous, and he found that now he was able to speak.
"It didn't start with the wedding though, you know that don't you? None of this has anything to do with you. It's not your fault."
"I know, but you can't not tell me because of that, or because Rae is my best friend, this is about you, an' you are gonna make yourself ill if you don't talk about it."
Steve pulled her towards him, for a moment before he started to speak he just needed to feel her next to him, let the love she had for him comfort him and make the job easier.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jesse was just about managing to keep himself from bursting into Rae's trauma room, when the doors began to open and he found himself practically in the arms of Wil Collins. "Rae, are you all right, only you have been in there for so long, and you only have a stomach bug, and … and… I need to shut up, don't I?"
"Honey, we need to go and sit, we could go to the doctor's lounge couldn't we?"
Jesse just nodded mutely, and, with his daughter in his arms, turned and walked down the hallway. Rae smiled a rueful smile, he had left her to make her own way there, but she had the feeling that it was the last taste of freedom she would get for a while.
Jesse waited at the doorway to the doctor's lounge and watched his wife make her way towards him. She was walking slowly and hesitantly, and he could tell that her arms and shoulders were hurting her too. In fact she looked worse now than when she had entered the examination room. As she caught up with him he looked in her eyes, and was concerned by the worry and pain he saw there.
"Rae?"
"Jess, I'm sorry, but I need to sit down. Wil gave me my physical today instead of tomorrow and I feel like I got hit by a truck." Rae eased herself into one of the chairs placed round the coffee table, and rested her arms on its surface. She caught her breath for a while, watching Jesse and Eliana the entire time.
"Rae, what did he say? Did you get this from George?"
"God, I hope not." Rae smiled, at Jesse's comments. She wasn't sure if he knew of George Bannister's sexual preferences and now wasn't the time to discuss it. "Jesse, I'm pregnant."
"Oh, Honey, that's wonderful, just wonderful. You hear that, Eliana, you are gonna have a baby brother or sister." Jesse leant over and kissed his wife on the lips, then he rested his forehead against hers for a moment and they both enjoyed the knowledge that they were going to become four, feeling a little left out their daughter reached up, and taking a handful of hair in each fist pulled hard.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jo let Steve just hold her tight for a minute, but then she pulled away. "You need to tell me, Steve, so just start at the beginnin' an' we will work through it together, ok?"
"It started when Eliana went missing, it was the next day, when Ron had come, and we needed to speak with Jesse and get the press conference set up. All Jesse wanted to know was if we had found her, I understood that, it was all I wanted to know too. But when I said that we hadn't and I was sorry, he said 'yeah right.' As if he didn't believe a word I was saying." Steve shook his head, the injustice of it affecting him once again, and he knew that if he wasn't careful he would be carried away by the emotions of a situation since solved, and not be able to focus on what was the matter now. Steve could feel the tears behind his eyes as he thought about his goddaughter, and the fact that Jesse had yelled at him when Rae could hear every word and for a moment he shut his eyes, and one tear escaped him and slid down his cheek.
Jo was horrified, she couldn't believe that her strong and usually so taciturn man was this close to the edge. "Honey, you have to keep talkin', get it out of your system, trust me when I say it helps. I am an expert on keepin' things inside me until they cause you to collapse. We have each other now to stop that from happenin'."
Steve didn't look at her or make any indication that he had heard her speak, but he began to talk again. "He hurt me, Jo, how could he have thought that I wasn't doing everything I could to get that little girl back? He acted as if I didn't care, as if I was treating her just like any other case, like she was a … a stolen bicycle! I did get angry then, and maybe I need to apologise for that, because if he had said one more word and Ron hadn't been there I would have been tempted to knock him right through the wall. It was then that I said that maybe we needed to prepare ourselves for the fact that Eliana may never come back."
"Oh Steve." Jo had known what he said because Rae had explained it to her, but somehow hearing Steve say it himself made it seem even more shocking.
"It was a stupid thing to say, and I know it sounds lame but I didn't even know I'd spoken aloud until I saw Jesse's face."
"No, that doesn't sound lame at all; in fact I just did it myself." Jo tightened her grip on Steve's hand, she knew that there was more to come, and even if it wasn't anything earth shattering, all the pieces together were getting to be more than Steve could bear. "But it was true wasn't it? From what I remember you need to find a missin' child real quick or they are normally lost forever." Jo didn't often refer to her days in the police force, but Steve knew that she was speaking from experience.
"Yeah, it was true; if missing children aren't found right away then they almost never come home." Steve shut his eyes again, even now that he knew his goddaughter was safe and sound with her parents the thought was enough to make his heart beat so hard he was sure that Jo could hear it.
"I guess I shouldn't have said anything, because Jesse just lost it, he acted like he thought I'd already given up, like I wasn't doing enough."
"But that wasn't true, he knew you were doin' everythin' you could."
"Maybe, and if he didn't Ron told him anyway, I can remember what he said … he said 'you know that Steve is doing everything he can, don't you?' and Jesse said … he said …" For a moment Steve couldn't continue. Jesse's answer had almost torn him apart at the time, and to have to repeat it was somehow even worse.
"Steve, Honey, what did he say?" Jo's voice was soft and she pulled him a little closer to her.
"Oh, God, Jo, he said 'no.' He didn't believe me. How could he not? He's my best friend, Rae is my partner, and Eliana, well, my world would stop if she weren't in it." Steve took a deep breath, but he didn't have the energy to continue and for a while he slumped against Jo and took strength from her once again. She just ran her hands gently through his hair, and said nothing, knowing that no words could help him right now.
After a few minutes Steve seemed to shudder slightly and then he sat up straight and began to talk again. "Ron suggested that I tell Jesse everything that was happening. He hadn't left the hospital so he didn't know about the flyers that were everywhere, he hadn't seen a paper so the Captain's press conference was news to him too, but it didn't seem to make any difference. I guess I knew he wouldn't apologise, he was way too worked up for that, but I hoped that he might understand just why I was so … scared."
"Scared? Darlin' we were all scared, scared for that poor little mite an' what that monster might do to her."
"No, I wasn't just scared for Eliana, but scared that I might let them down, all of them. Don't you remember, when Rae asked us to be godparents she said that she knew I would always keep Eliana safe, and then she was gone, and I'd done everything I could, but she was still gone and … and I was so afraid I would never see her again?"
"But we did see her again, and it was you who found her remember, an' then everythin' was fine again?"
"But when we found her she was so sick. Did you know she coded in the ambulance on the way to Valley Hospital? I'd found her, and still I almost lost her. I don't think I could have forgiven myself if I'd found her alive only to have her be gone before Jesse and Rae could see her again. Then Jesse came to Fresno and Eliana got better and came home, and I thought things were ok between us at first, but, Jo, after she was home, well, he stopped talking to me."
Jo wanted to interrupt but Steve seemed to be on a roll now, and so she just let him carry on talking.
"Jesse came to see me at Bob's, but he said that Rae told him to apologise, not that he wanted to and now he won't even look at me. You saw him last night, and that was in a room full of people! I don't think he can forgive me for what I said about maybe not finding her. He still thinks I wasn't trying hard enough. I miss him, Jo, but I don't think he'll ever talk to me again. And, and I want him to be my best man, and I don't know what to do if he won't do it. And if Jesse doesn't come then Rae won't and neither will Eliana, and … and it won't be the same without them."
Jo felt him relax against her and she knew that everything was out in the open now. For a few moments she just let him sit there and gather himself back together. She didn't think that his emotions would run away with him again, but she wanted to be sure before she told him what she knew he had to do.
"You know that there is only one solution to this don't you?"
"No, what?" Steve did know, but he needed to hear her say it.
"You have to talk to Jesse. You have to tell him what you have just told me.
"No, Jo, I know I need to talk to him, but I can't tell him everything, I just can't."
"Why, because you will be seen to be weak? Honey, it takes a strong man to confront his fears, an' that is what you will be doin'."
"And what happens if he hates me, sometimes I think he already does."
"Now you are bein' melodramatic, you know nothin' of the sort."
"Maybe…"
"Steve Sloan look at me. You have been through just as much turmoil as Rae an' Jesse. You were scared for that little girl, you just admitted as much, an' before that it was Rae, an' your daddy. You have been to hell an' back yourself, but you don't know that he hates you."
"But if he won't look at me, won't talk to me, what do I do then?"
"You ask him why. Put the ball in his court. If he says he hates you then we are just gonna have to learn to live with it, but it won't mean the end of your friendship with Rae or your contact with Eliana, there is no way that headstrong partner of yours is ever gonna let that happen. But I tell you one thing, if he won't talk to you, an' there is no way that he will come to the weddin' then we will get married without him."
"But then it won't be the same."
"I know it won't, but if that is the way it has to be then we will go ahead an' have our weddin' we can't force him to come, an' we can enjoy ourselves without him, but I'm sure it won't come to that, at least it won't if you can actually speak to each other."
"I will go see him, but not today, I don't think I can do it today."
"There is no time like the present, apart from the fact that at the present they aren't in, but as soon as we make contact with them we are going over and havin' this out, for now though, I think you should lie down an' let this all go. You just changed shift patterns, so let your body rest for a while."
"You know, if you weren't taken, I might just marry you." Steve pulled her down towards him and they lay together on the bed. He kissed her tenderly and nuzzled at her hair, he felt relaxed and calm now, but then suddenly something Jo had said came to the front of his mind. "Jo?"
"Mm, don't stop that, it feels wonderful."
"Where did you say my dad was going?"
"To the dentist, why?" Jo wasn't sure where this conversation had come from.
Steve sat up, "Oh, God, he isn't having a tooth pulled is he?"
"No, just a check up, why?"
Jo felt Steve relax again and he lay back down on the bed. "Oh, that's all right then." Steve shut his eyes.
"Oh, no you don't. You can't just stop there, an' go to sleep. What happens when your daddy has a tooth pulled?"
"Well, the gas they use affects him, and the last time he was adamant that there was a body in the living room, but nobody could find it. Things were a little weird there for a while."
"An' was there a body?" Jo's interest was raised now."
"What…? Oh yeah, there was … a body." Steve had begun running his fingers through her hair again, but gradually the movements got slower and slower, and Jo knew that he was drifting off to sleep, she moved slightly and his eyes opened again.
"Please stay with me, Jo, just for a while."
"I am not goin' anywhere, I didn't get much sleep either you know! Now close your eyes, I will do the same, an' the day can carry on without us."
Jo smiled down at her soon to be husband and knew that there would be no answer except the soft snuffly snores she could already hear.