A Good Friend Never Offends

"What? What did you say?" Steve had found the closest chair and almost fallen into it. "I don't understand, you don't think you can have children?" He repeated the statement, not really knowing what else to say.

Jo was still standing where she had been when Steve came into the room, but now she turned and faced him. "It's a long story an' some of it you know, but some of it you don't."

"Honey, I have all night, do you want to go and talk privately upstairs?" A thought suddenly struck Steve. "Where are Dad, Michael and Eliana?" Eliana, just the idea of having a baby like her had helped keep him going when things had been difficult, now it seemed that was being taken away before he even got the chance to find out what it would be like to be a dad.

"Michael knows what I have to tell you, an' so he an' Mark have taken Eliana through to the drawin' room. Michael is gonna tell Mark." The drawing room was hardly ever used, and Steve knew that they had gone there to give them the privacy here, in Jo's favourite room.

Steve stood up and moved over to the sofa that was seldom sat on. He leant back and rested his arm along the top of it and to his relief Jo came over and sat so that he could wrap her up and help her tell her tale. He gently kissed her hair, and felt her take in a deep breath.

"When I was sent to Waco, I was the weapons expert at my precinct on homicide. Someone killed with a gun? Send for Detective Walters. Well, they sure had a lot of guns there, an' so I guess it was inevitable that I would have to go." Jo stopped talking, already the memories were tugging at her, making her feel vulnerable and afraid.

"Shhh, I'm here, you're telling it, not living it, ok? It will be all right." Steve could feel her emotions as they fought to reach the surface, and he hoped his words would help her.

"We came up together in a van, an' I had a room at a local hotel. I know it sounds strange, but I didn't want to be mixin' with cops when I wasn't workin', I may be a little naïve, but I'm not stupid, I knew that it would be a difficult situation, an' I wanted to be able to switch off an' think of other things when I wasn't actually on duty." If Jo shut her eyes she could see the room that had become her sanctuary while she was on loan.

"I didn't realize just how much I came to rely on that room. I would work either out at the command posts that had been set up, or at the station, tryin' to find out what was goin' on in that place, how we could end it peacefully, well, we failed there. I needed that space, but I guess after a while I realized how cut off I was becomin' an' I started to go an' socialize a little after work… There was this guy, Wayne, his name was, he was the leader of the squad I'd been put in, he was a funny guy, but then I guess he needed to be, he had more information than the rest of us, he knew what was goin' down." For a second Jo succumbed to the emotions and a shudder passed through her slender frame. She felt Steve's arms pull her closer and she found the strength from him to carry on.

"He took me to a bar they used, we didn't work the same shifts all the time, but this night we both finished just about the same time. Because we had all traveled up together, I didn't have my car an' so anywhere I needed to go I just walked. They had put us all in a hotel in the same street as the station, an' the bar was just nearby. If I needed to go further afield I could always grab me a ride from the police motor pool.  Anyway, he took me to this bar, an' I had a good evenin', I had a few drinks, a few laughs, an' I found that I was wrong, the other guys didn't want to talk about what was happenin' any more than I did, work was a taboo subject. I don't know if they changed what they talked about when I was there, but I was the only woman in our group who had been sent up to Waco, although some of the local cops an' officers from other areas were women."

Steve felt for her, the camaraderie of the squad was all important, as he was finding out for himself right now. To be a stranger and the only woman must have been doubly hard for her. He didn't say anything, but he understood a little more about her breakdown with every word she spoke.

"This carried on for a good while. You know how long the stand off continued, well, I would go for a drink some nights … normally when Wayne was goin' too, an' I guess we sort of became an item. The other guys asked me out, but somehow it didn't seem right to go with them when I was seein' Wayne. Anyhow, one night, instead of takin' me to the bar he told me to go back to my room, scrub up nice, an' he would take me out to dinner. I did just that, it was good to look like a woman for a change. I had taken one dress with me, an' so I wore that, put my hair up real pretty, an' I even put make up on. I could tell he was impressed when he came by to pick me up, an' I was pleased. I hadn't had many boyfriends, people who lived near us knew about the money, an' I always felt that nobody wanted me for what I was, but for who I was an' what I had, so I was wary, too wary I guess, but now it didn't matter, he didn't know squat about me, an' all he would know would be what I chose to tell him." Jo stopped talking, she knew that it was going to get harder before long, and she needed a little more reassurance before she continued.

"Go on." Steve wanted to tell her it would be all right to stop now, to tell him the rest later, but he knew that wasn't the case, he needed to know, and he had a feeling that this was a one time offer, if Jo didn't finish now, she may never tell him.

"We had a lovely evenin' an' the food an' the wine was as good as the company. Like I said, he was a funny guy, an' I loved to be with him… When he dropped me off, I knew that he didn't want to go home, an' I realized that I didn't want him to go either, so I asked him in for coffee… I'd never done that before, not with anybody, an' I felt bold, an' grown up, an' normal, nothin' mattered to him except who he thought I was, an' that was a good feelin', one I didn't want to go away… I guess in a way we were deceivin' each other, but I didn't hurt anyone."

This time Steve said nothing, he had a feeling he knew a little of what was coming, and so he waited.

"Do you remember when we … when we had our first meal here? I told you I wasn't a virgin, well, that evenin' I was, but I loved him, an' I thought he loved me…" She stopped talking again as she pictured the man in her mind. He hadn't been handsome, not in the drop dead gorgeous way that Steve was, but he'd had the same type of presence, a confident man, sure of who he was and what he was doing with his life. He had known what he wanted too, and that night, she had been convinced that he wanted her.

"Jo, Honey, are you gonna continue?" Steve put a finger under her chin and turned her face towards him and he could see tears coming up in her eyes. He wasn't surprised, he had known they would come, he just hadn't known when.

"I don't need to go into details, you know what happened that night, an' I enjoyed every minute of it…" Jo's voice tailed away to nothing, and she leant into Steve's chest and cried. He didn't say a word, but he knew he didn't need to. He slowly ran his hand over her hair, and waited for her to continue, and so for a few minutes the room was silent except for the sound of Jo's sobs, but then she gulped and began to straighten up.

"I went into the station the next morning, an' I felt so special, like I belonged, y'know, I was part of a couple, I felt like everyone would see I was different, like I was glowin' an' I liked that … I picked up a coffee from the machine an' I saw Wayne, with a couple of his friends, they were slappin' him on the back, an' then one of them gave him some cash…" This time Jo couldn't continue and the tears started again. Steve was feeling more and more helpless, all he could do was hold her, and hope that it would be enough.

"I heard one of his friends ask him, 'what was she like?' an' … an' then Wayne said, 'just like any other, they're all the same to me… but I told you I'd have her first…' I … I dropped my coffee, an' they turned to see me tryin' to mop it up. I never said I had heard them, but I never went out with him again, either."

"Jo, Sweetie, I am so sorry, I don't know what else to say." Steve had been on long term assignments before, and knew that the off duty time often included bragging, bets and light hearted character assassinations, but this was out of line as far as he was concerned, and it made him want to kick something, or worse. But it wasn't him he had to worry about, but Jo, and he knew that allowing himself the luxury of losing his temper wasn't an option right now.

"Don't say anythin', Steve, it was a long time ago, but I haven't finished, an' I have to say it all now… I carried on workin', Wayne wasn't bothered that I didn't want to go out with him any more, he'd got what he wanted, an' I retreated back to my room an' spent any free time I had there. Well, you know what happened, an' what happened to me, I went home, an' found out that I was pregnant. I was terrified, I had no idea what to do, an' so I went to my grandmamma an' told her everythin'. She was wonderful, just like she always was, an' told me that it wasn't a problem, we could do things just as I wanted them to be done. The relief was enormous, an' in the end I decided that I would have the child … but at twenty-six weeks, he died. He had been movin' about, an' I had been gettin' to know him, you know. Talkin' to him, an' playin' music for him to listen to, but I guess that was all I was supposed to have, because it all went wrong, an' … an' he died." Jo stopped talking for a moment. The memory of that terrible time had been buried deep for a long while, but now it moved closer to the surface and she had to breathe deeply to stop it from overwhelming her, just as it had done before.

"I woke up in the middle of the night, an' I knew that there was somethin' really wrong, but I didn't know what. I tried to sit up but I just I couldn't work out how to do that … I must have cried out, because Grandmamma came to my room, an' she hardly ever did that. I saw her in the doorway, an' I managed to move the covers off the bed … the next time I knew about anythin' I wasn't pregnant any more… my baby was gone. You know what happened to me just after that; I guess losin' David was the last thing my body an' brain could cope with."

"David?"

"I named him after my brother an' my daddy."

Steve knew that there was nothing he could do to ease her pain, and so he sat and tried to take in what she had told him. Nothing that she had said gave any reason why she couldn't have children now, nor why she had waited so long to tell him, unless she was ashamed. He felt his anger rise, and tried to push it back down. They had to trust each other and she hadn't trusted him, it was as simple as that.

"Do you know why he died?"

"David, he was called David, Steve, an' yes, sort of. I had pre-eclampsia, an' when you have it as bad as I did before twenty-seven weeks of pregnancy it is real serious. I was rushed into hospital after I collapsed at home, but they couldn't save David, an' he died. But he was beautiful; I have a picture upstairs, if you would like to see him an' a little piece of his downy hair, it doesn't look like it, but I know what it is. I loved him so much, but it wasn't meant to be."

"But why does that mean you can't have children now, our children? I don't know what pre-eclampsia is, I've heard of it, but I don't know what it is."

"Because, the doctor said that I had more than a sixty percent chance of that happenin' to me again, an' I couldn't cope with it, not twice. I didn't love Wayne, I thought I did, but it wasn't love, not like we have. To lose our child, I don't think I would ever recover." Jo stood up and moved away towards the windows. "Pre-eclampsia is caused by extremely high blood pressure, an' is just as dangerous for the mother as it is for the child. They try to keep the baby safe, but sometimes they have to deliver them early an' hope that the child will survive. That is what happened with David, but he was too small. Steve, I nearly died, I don't want to die, I want to be with you, an' if that means no children, well …" The tears had started again as Jo said she didn't want to die, and for a long time she just sobbed. Steve had moved towards her and caught her as she collapsed, the sobs taking her over, and now he just helped her over to the sofa and sat and murmured softly, hoping he was helping. After what seemed like an eternity, but was about half an hour, Jo moved and Steve knew that he had to continue the conversation.

"And that is why you could understand what Rae was going through when Eliana was born?"

Jo just nodded, then she spoke again. "I knew what it was like to lay in a hospital bed, no longer pregnant but with no baby. She was luckier than me, an' her early delivery wasn't due to pre-eclampsia. Steve, I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy. There are no words to describe the feelin's of bein' pregnant one day an' not the next. My blood pressure had been a little high throughout my pregnancy, but nothin' that had worried me or them, an' let's face it I had been through Waco, anybody's blood pressure would be high! But for some reason it just rocketed, an' it could happen again, no reason, just bam! I can't go through that twice, an' you, you wouldn't want to go through it once." She looked outside, and realized that the world was dark. Jo quickly looked at her watch and gasped. They had been talking for over two hours, it was after nine o'clock.

"Jo, Honey, I don't know what to say to you, but I know that you are upset and hurting right now, I think we need to leave everything tonight. We can talk this through again." He saw Jo just nod her head and move towards the stairs, he went to follow her, but then thought of something.  "I'll be up in a minute." He headed on down the hallway and then stopped. "Jo," she also stopped and looked over the banister.

"Yes?" Her voice was quiet and sad.

"I love you; you do know that, don't you?"

"Oh yeah, I know that, an' I love you, too."

Steve was rewarded with a small smile, and then he moved away and walked into the drawing room.

It was a beautiful room, and Steve wished that they used it more often. All the furniture was mahogany and under Michael's loving care, it shone richly. The carpet was Indian, and he knew that Jo had brought it when she was on her travels; it was deep burgundy with gold patterns. Steve could see his dad sitting in a gold brocade chair looking at one of the first edition books that abounded in this room. Steve cleared his throat and Mark looked round, the worry and concern of the evening etched in his face. "Steve, Son are you all right?"

"No, Dad, I'm not all right, not all right at all, but I don't really know what I am." Steve ran his hands through his hair, the desperate nature of his conversation hitting him once again. "Is she right; is there more than a sixty percent chance of it happening again?"

"No, it's not quite as bad as that anymore, but it is still about fifty percent, when it happened as early as it did to Jo."

"Dad, I'm sorry, I can't talk about this tonight, I'm gonna go to bed, and see what happens tomorrow."

"Steve, we can work this through, you do know that don't you?"

"Yeah, Dad, I'll see you tomorrow … do you want me to help you up the stairs?"

"No, that's all right, I will read this for a while yet. Michael offered to do the same when he put Eliana to bed, but I don't like to take the book upstairs, just in case."

Steve moved over, and just for an instant squeezed his dad's shoulder, then without another word he turned and left him to his reading. Once he got out into the hallway Steve realized that he couldn't go to bed, not yet. His mind was so full of all that he had heard that he needed to just sit and process his thoughts; otherwise he would go upstairs and maybe say something he would regret.

Why hadn't she told him about this before? Steve shook his head; he had never hidden the fact that he wanted children, and since Eliana had arrived in his life it had been even more obvious. He didn't care about boys or girls, he just wanted to have a family, and he wanted to have it with Jo. As he sat here his hand brushed his badge, and he thought about the jerk who did this to her. Wayne, he knew just what he would like to do to Wayne, but if he did, there would be no badge on his belt. Steve pushed the man out of his mind; he wasn't worth the space he took up. He thought about Jo, and the pain in her eyes as she spoke about what had happened to her. Maybe the fact that he obviously wanted a family so much had been why she hadn't said anything. Was it his age, did the fact that he was older than Jesse and still didn't have any children have anything to do with his almost overwhelming desire to be a dad? Would Jo consider adoption or fostering? Would he? It had worked so well for Amanda and he knew that they could give any child a happy secure home life. It would still be a family, but would he consider it his own family, or just one he had borrowed? Steve ran his hand over his eyes, he was getting tired, and knew that any decisions he made about anything now, would probably not be the same as the ones he would make in the morning, so this was the time to leave it and sleep. With a deep sigh, Steve stood up, stretched a little, and then headed for the stairs.

Steve went towards his own bedroom, but then he stopped and changed direction and before he knew it, he was standing in the nursery, watching his goddaughter as she slept.

How could she have not told him about her problems? It wasn't fair. Fair, he shook his head, so many things weren't fair, and this was just one more to add to the list. It wasn't fair that Jo didn't want to risk having a child with him, it wasn't fair that this little girl had been kidnapped, and he had lost his best friend because of it, it certainly wasn't fair that Rae was lying in hospital, and that five of his colleagues had been killed, but right now all that meant nothing, this little child had made him realize how much he could love a baby of his own, how much he wanted a family, not just any family, but his, with Jo, her, him and one, two, maybe even more children, and now, now that he had it within his grasp, it was gone again, maybe forever and right now that seemed the unfairest thing of all.

With a sigh Steve leant over the crib and gently touched the face of his goddaughter, she was the most beautiful child he had ever seen, and he loved her almost too much. She had a strand of her hair on her face, and he pushed it away. The curls were back now, and she looked almost as she had done when she had been taken. Her chest rose and fell as she breathed, and then, almost as if she sensed his presence she moved a little hand up and rested it on his own. For a moment he was spellbound, but then he left her, and quietly headed to bed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As Alex had hoped, Rae woke up normally the next morning, but it was clear that she wasn't going to be well enough to attend the funeral as she had planned. Jesse had worked throughout the night, but it had been quiet and he had managed to catch just over four hours sleep. Once Alex had checked Rae over he had called down to get Jesse to come up and join him.

Jesse rushed up in the elevator, and found Alex waiting in the hallway for him. "Alex, is she all right? I need to go see her."

"Jesse, just wait a minute… She's ok, awake and waiting for you, but she isn't gonna be able to go to Bob's funeral, and that has upset her. I just don't think that emotionally she could handle the situation. I know she really liked Bob, and, well, any funeral is traumatic, but this will be extremely so. She didn't like my decision, but she already has so much going on in her mind and her life that I don't think she can handle anything else. I know she has some things to talk to you about, but, if she gets too distressed I want you to go into doctor mode and call me. I'm on light duties all day, so I'll be around."

"Thank you, Alex, and I'm sorry, I'm not the best of friends to have right now."

"Jesse, don't. I have no problems with you, but, if you don't mind me saying, you need to speak with Steve."

"I know, but right now I have more pressing matters to attend to." Jesse moved away and into Rae's room.

"Rae, Honey?" Jesse could see that Rae was reading a pamphlet of some kind, but she opened her hand and let it fall to the bed when she heard his voice.

"Jesse." Rae smiled, but it was such a small one that it was almost gone before it started. "I want to go to Bob's funeral, will you take me?"

"And go against what Alex said? No, of course not! He's your doctor, Rae, he wouldn't go against my orders, and I won't go against his."

Rae leant back against the pillows and shut her eyes. "No, I didn't think you would, but I had to try. I'm sorry, Jesse." She opened her eyes, and waited.

Jesse looked at her; she seemed, if possible, to be more in need of hospital care now than she had been before she was admitted. "Rae, talk to me, we promised that we wouldn't shut each other out any more, but right now, I have no idea what you are thinking, please, Rae, don't do this to me any more."

The room was silent for a few minutes while Jesse watched Rae come to some decisions in her mind. Then he saw her take a breath. "I've decided not to have the operation, definitely not before the baby is born and maybe not afterwards, I'm not sure yet … Jess, I'm going to go away, I don't know for how long."

"Rae?" Jesse's mind was suddenly whirring. "I don't understand, the operation could help you, give you increased mobility in your right arm, why wouldn't you want to have it done?"

"Because of the baby, and because I don't think I can cope with the prospect of it failing. My mind is made up, no operation."

"And that's it? No discussion with me, no talking it over with anyone? You just up and decide, no operation, well, that's just great! Even when you are talking to me you shut me out."

"Jesse, look at me, this is my life I'm talking about. I've changed, since we first met, a lot. That isn't your fault, or mine, but I cannot let people make my decisions for me any more. Maybe I will go back to the way I was, whether I have this operation or not, but even then you will carry on protecting me, and smothering me, and driving me nuts."

"Rae, don't, I love you, I don't mean to smother you, I just want to keep you safe, and here, with me."

For a moment Rae smiled. "I know that, Jesse, and I love you too, but whether I have the operation or not isn't going to make any difference to you, you will still do all those things, and I will try to live with them, but I know that I can't face the possibility of eighteen months of post operative pain, whether it works or not."

"Will you at least let me look into it myself? There must be some information that I can find out which gives us some more on what is involved in this operation, and whether the prognosis on the after affects is as gloomy as you think."

"If it makes you feel better, I guess you can." Rae didn't know what else to do or say, so she just lay and waited. The room was silent for over five minutes before Rae knew that she couldn't stand it any longer. "I'm going away, Jesse, I don't know for how long, but I'll stay away as long as necessary to achieve what I want to achieve."

"Achieve, what do you want to achieve, Rae?"

"I want to be able to live my life to the full, maybe, before you say anything, without having the operation. If I can find myself at this place, then that is what I intend to do."

"Rae, no, please, I can't help you, and keep you safe if you go away, where are you going to go, and why don't you know how long for, Rae?"

"Jesse, there's a place called The Willows, just outside San Francisco, it's a rehabilitation centre, which specialises in the type of injuries I have, and the problems that go with them. Lauren has got me a place there, and I am going to go, as soon as they have a vacancy."

Jesse couldn't believe what he was hearing. "But, I can't get time off just like that, and leave town, I guess you could take Eliana, but only if the place is safe."

"I know, Jesse, but you and Eliana aren't included. I have to do this alone, no visits, no phone calls, unless I make them. Just e-mails and ordinary letters."

Jesse got up and began to walk around the room, "Why are you doing this? I can't believe, after all we have been through, that you would just make all these decisions and expect me to go along with them. Ok, maybe the operation, you're scared, that's understandable, I would be too, but to make plans to leave, and have no idea when you will get back, no, Rae, that's not how a marriage is supposed to work. You aren't even considering how this will affect our daughter." A thought suddenly struck him. "You will come back, won't you?"

"Oh, Jess, Honey, of course I will, why, did you think I wouldn't?" Rae's face showed the shock she felt at his question.

"When you were pregnant with Eliana, you wanted to leave go back to London, well, you are pregnant again, and I just wondered … sometimes, I don't know you any more, Rae, but I still love you, and I just need you here with me and Eliana. Please, don't go." Jesse's plea was from the heart, but it fell on deaf ears.

"Jesse, they told me yesterday that things could get better, that maybe there was hope that my left arm would improve as well as my right. I couldn't take it in then, it just overwhelmed me, but now, now I have to do something about it. The Willows is the place for me to get help, specialised help, but I have to do it alone." Rae was finding it difficult to explain her feelings, she was so determined to go, and Jesse was equally determined for her to stay, that she guessed that no words would really be adequate.

"Rae, I don't want you to go." Jesse tried again, but he could tell that he wasn't going to get his way.

"Well, I'm sorry, but I have to think about me, and what I want. I can't live like this any more, and this way I have a chance to do something about it. And I didn't tell you about it because I knew how you would react and I can't deal with anything more right now." Rae could feel her heart begin to pound, and she began to concentrate on her breathing. But Jesse didn't realise and started to talk again.

"We seem to have this all the time, we lurch from problem to problem, and I get to find out only what you want me to know, not what I need to know. I don't think I can continue like this."

"Jesse, please, don't, I can't help it … it's just the way … the way I am." The tears were close to the surface, but it hurt to cry, and Rae was so close to her limit of pain, conversation, everything, right now, that she just wanted to close down and wait for Jesse to leave, but she didn't know how she would survive without him. The contradictions in how she was feeling were the final straw, and the tears began, bringing with them the pain that she had been trying to avoid. "Help me … Jesse, please ... help me to do this." Rae tried to gulp down the tears, but every movement was causing her agony to increase.  "I have to go away, just for a while … but I love you, and I can't go … without your blessing."

"And if you don't get it, what happens, does that mean you will stay with us? Or you'll go anyway?"

"I have to go … I can't live this way … but I can't have the op … operation… not … not yet."

"But if you had the operation here and now… Hold on, just let me finish." Jesse didn't wait for Rae to calm down but began speaking again almost straight away. "I know that Doctor Tammai is a stranger, but everybody else knows you, and I could assist, or Mark, or Alex. We were all right at home; we can survive like this, Rae, please."

"No … Jesse, don't you understand …? I don't … don't want to survive, I want to live! The Willows will give me … that chance." Rae's voice had got louder and louder, but as she finished speaking she ran out of energy and collapsed back into the bed, her whole being shaking with the exertion she had subjected it too.

Jesse, finally realised just how much strain she had been under, and knowing that he couldn't do anything for her, he pressed the buzzer, and then sent the nurse to get Alex. Once she had departed, Jesse watched his wife. She was still aware, but he could tell that she had nothing left to give to a conversation, or anything else for that matter. "Rae, Honey, I am so sorry, I shouldn't have pushed you, can you take my hand?"

Jesse waited, and for a while he thought that maybe she was unable to do it, but slowly her right hand moved and found his own. The room was silent once again as they waited for Alex to come and see to his patient. But Jesse's mind was running over and over what she had said. Rae was right, she had changed since he first met her that night in Bob's, and part of her attraction had been her self assuredness, but she'd had a rough time, so had he, and both of them had changed. He looked over at his wife, she was lying back on the pillows, and he knew that his 'doctor mode', as Alex had called it, hadn't kicked in quick enough. The fact that Rae was close to an emotional breakdown wasn't lost on him, and his behaviour just now hadn't helped. He needed someone to talk to, no, not someone, just one person. Once Alex arrived, and took over Rae's care, he knew what he had to do.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jo woke up slowly; her dreams had been busy and complicated. Scenes that hadn't visited her in years had invaded her sleeping hours, but she hadn't woken and she hoped that she hadn't disturbed Steve. She had heard him enter the bedroom the night before, she guessed that he had been talking with his dad, but she had feigned sleep, not having the energy to talk any more about such an upsetting time in her life. She turned sleepily to see if he was awake, and awoke completely as she realised that the bed and the room were, save for herself, completely empty.

Mark heard Jo call out for his son, and got slowly out of bed. The mornings were always the worst time for him, the side where he had been stabbed was sore and every movement pulled. Moving as fast as his body would let him, he got to his bedroom door, just in time to see Jo coming out of the spare room next to her own. "Jo, are you all right?"

"No, Mark, have you see Steve?"

"Not yet today, I didn't think he was working until after the funeral at two."

"He wasn't supposed to. But he isn't in bed, or in our room, or anywhere else up here. I thought he might be with Eliana, but I just can't find him."

Mark was about to reply when the phone began to ring in the hallway and Jo almost flew down the stairs to answer it. "Steve…? Oh, hi, Jesse, no he's not here right now… no, I don't know … oh, I'm sorry, I'll let him know… Jesse, if he was upset, where would he go … thank you, you take care now." Jo put the phone back down and turned towards where she knew Mark would be standing looking down at her from the first floor landing.

"That was Jesse, Rae isn't well enough to go to the funeral today. Jesse said Steve would either be at the Never Say Die gym, or on the beach an' that he would go look for him."

They smiled at each other; maybe they would be able to find something good in all this after all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Steve had parked his truck and headed for his apartment. His mind had been going over and over Jo's words all night, but as the sun came up he knew that he couldn't lie there any longer, he just had to get out and do something. He had thought about going to the gym, but it was a little early, and he felt the need to get some air in his lungs. So as quietly as he could he had left the house and made for his other home, where he knew he had at least three sets of running gear clean and waiting for him. For the last hour he had been pounding the beach, but he needed something to drink, and so Steve headed back towards the beach house, planning to have a half hour doing some weights, and then he would run again.

As the house came into view Steve could see someone standing watching him. The person wasn't very large and for a moment he thought it was Rae, but then he realised that he was thinking impossible thoughts, and at the same moment he recognised his best friend, moving towards him.

Jesse knew the moment Steve realised who was observing him from the sandy path that led from the beach house to the main beach, because a grin flashed across his face. As he saw the larger man slow down from a run to a trot and then to a walk, he began walking himself so that he could meet him. "Steve, I need to talk to you."

"You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that, but could we go get a drink first?"

Jesse raised his hands and two bottles of water came into view. "I know you always forget to take some with you." He smiled, and waited while Steve tried to contain his thirst and only drink slowly. Gradually his thirst was assuaged and his chest began to stop heaving. The two men were standing by Steve's favourite place to sit and talk and so Jesse dropped to the sand and made himself comfortable.

Steve did the same and then looked at his friend. He couldn't believe how much he had missed him and the easy, friendly, camaraderie that they shared; Jesse was so close to him that they were better than brothers. He had a feeling that some of the things they had been through together, whether experiences or words, he wouldn't have been able to share with a blood relative.

"Steve, I owe you such a big apology that I don't know where to start."

"No, Jesse, don't, it's ok, don't worry about it, I heard someone say once that a good friend never offends."

"Oh, no, you're not doing that to me. I really screwed up, and you were the one who suffered for it. I know how much you love Eliana, and if I hadn't been so worried I wouldn't have blamed you for her disappearance."

"Jesse, the situation was just crazy, we had Rae to worry about, Eliana too, and Alex, it was impossible. But I keep thinking what if it had been somebody else's baby with Alex, someone who had nothing to do with what was happening … Jesse? Jess are you alright?" Steve was instantly concerned, as his words were spoken his friend lost every bit of colour in his face.

"She knew, because I told her. My God, it was my fault all along!"

"Jesse, what are you talking about?"

"She knew it was Eliana because I told her. When Sally brought her in to be checked over, that woman called me to treat her, and … and I told her that I couldn't, that she was my daughter. Steve, I am so sorry."

"Jesse, it's all right, you had no idea she would do what she did, you were following hospital procedures, she was crazy, nothing anybody did would've given us a clue to what she was planning."

"But I blamed everything on you, when it all started because of me. You got mad at me, but I was out of line, and I caused it, and then I carried it on, I came to Fresno, and still I couldn't let it go. You're my best friend, and I treated you like …" Jesse turned away for a minute, he wanted to make eye contact with his friend, but he couldn't and so he took in the view, watching a small flock of gulls as they swooped towards the water.

Steve was uncertain whether he should say how he had felt or not and watched his companion quietly for a while, but in the end the silence had to be broken. "Jesse, it wasn't that, it was when you didn't believe that I was doing everything that I could to find her. I love her, Jesse, as if she was my own, I promised you and Rae that I would keep her safe, and then I lost her, she was taken and put in grave danger, if she had died …" Steve stopped talking, there wasn't anything else he could say.

"If she had died it would have been because of Louise Willis, not Steve Sloan. I knew that then, and I know it now. I just couldn't say so. Steve, she's my daughter, which was all that mattered to me, Rae was helpless, she nearly died, right there in front of me, but you suffered too, and I didn't even think of that." Jesse's shoulders heaved, as he tried to keep his emotions in check, and then he felt the reassuring presence of Steve's arm around him, and he took a deep breath. "I was out of line, and I am truly sorry."

"I know you are." Steve removed his arm, and waited a second. Slowly Jesse looked up at him, and Steve could see fear and uncertainty in his eyes. "Jess, I forgive you, you were in a situation nobody should ever have to endure, if it helped you to lash out, then I'm glad I was there, but don't carry on beating yourself up over it, it's done, finished, and we are still ok."

Jesse managed to find a smile, and then held his hand out to his friend. The firm strong grasp was as reassuring as his embrace had been, and Jesse knew that whatever had happened, they were still, and always would be, friends.

For a while the sand was silent. There were very few people on the beach, and none of them were near the two friends. Steve watched the waves as they came onto the sand and he felt the cold wet air from each breaker as it reached his face. Even when the sea was as rough and violent as today he could watch it and feel at peace with himself, and now he felt its influence once again as it soothed him, and began to help him put his problems into some sort of perspective. He realised that he needed to talk, and the one person in the world he would have chosen was sitting right next to him.

"Jesse, you're my best friend, and right now, I'm just glad you're here, because I have things that I really need to talk to you about… I don't have anyone else who'll understand like you will."

Steve told Jesse what he had heard the night before, and every word sounded like it belonged to someone else. He still couldn't believe what Jo had been told.

"Steve, what she says is right, twenty-six weeks is early to have pre-eclampsia, and the chances of it happening again are high, very high. But now that it has happened to her once she would be checked, every step of the way, any sign of it recurring and she would be taken in to hospital and monitored carefully. She could be given medication if her blood pressure started to rise, but even then, there is no guarantee that it wouldn't happen again… you could have asked your dad that."

"I could, I even went to speak with him about it all, but I was so shocked last night, that I didn't have the words. How could she do that to me, Jess?"

"Do what to you? From what you have told me she hasn't done anything to you." Jesse was confused.

"She didn't tell me, all this time, with you and Rae and your baby, and the one that you are gonna have in a few months time, still she said nothing, how could she do that to me?"

"Steve, have you told her every traumatic thing in your life?"

Steve shook his head, "No, no I haven't, but none of them are gonna alter our married life together, but this. If she doesn't trust me, if she can't find the words to tell me these things, then what will happen when we're married? Will she keep everything locked up inside her, or just tell Michael? He knew all about it, it was he who told Dad. You know I thought that she was going to tell me that she had an abortion after that … that creep used her, maybe I could have dealt with that. But now … now I have to face the fact that my future wife had a life altering illness, and she chose not to mention it. When you are married you are supposed to trust your partner. Well, where is the trust in that?"

"Did you tell her that?" Jesse looked at his friend, and he could see the hurt and pain that was threatening to take him over.

Steve shook his head. "No, no I didn't. While she was telling me, I was just concerned with keeping her with me; I didn't want her to lose herself again. It wasn't until she had gone to bed that I started to feel really angry with her."

"Steve, she's the injured party here. Why do you feel angry with her?"

"Because she didn't tell me, we've been together two years, and she never told me a word about it. Oh, I knew about Waco, or I thought I did, but she conveniently left this bit out. I guess I feel betrayed, angry and betrayed." Steve stood up, and Jesse could see that his friend had his hands in fists, and was only keeping his anger under control by the smallest margin. It was the anger that, Jesse had a feeling, Steve was most upset about. He loved Jo, and he didn't want to feel this way about her. Steve kicked at the sand for a while, and watched as two people walked past them, then he came back and sat down again.

Jesse waited, but it seemed that Steve had finished talking. Slowly Jesse began to see a connection between what Jo had said and Rae had done. Jo was in pain, her revelations would have been so difficult for her, and she had probably kept them a secret so that she didn't have to hand that pain to Steve until she had too. Jesse realised that Rae was trying, in her limited way to do the same. She knew how much he hated her being the way she was, and by taking control herself she was removing him from the agony a little. She was right, it was her decision ultimately whether she had the operation or not, and maybe The Willows would be a blessing for them both. Blessing, that was the word Rae had used, she wanted his blessing, but he hadn't been able to even do that for her, he had let her down, and as soon as he knew Steve was ok, he would go back and give her what she needed to take charge of her own life again.

"Steve, listen to me for a minute, let me tell you what has happened to me today, and then see if that changes your perspective a little."

Jesse looked at his friend, and hoped he would take up his offer. He hadn't planned to tell him his problems, knowing that his friend had enough of his own, but now he wondered whether taking Steve's mind off his for a while might alter his point of view. "Ok, Jesse." Steve was going over Jo's conversation in his mind, again, but maybe Jesse was right, and turning slightly he looked at his friend, and realised for the first time, that he too was suffering.

"Rae found yesterday's visit with her team of doctors really traumatic, and to be honest so did I. This Doctor Tammai isn't what we are used to. He isn't friendly and courteous like your dad, or young and open like Alex, he is a hard-nosed, insensitive … ass, and Rae disliked him on sight. By the time she got back to her room I was so tired I had to leave, but Lauren was there, and she stayed. Rae couldn't handle it though, and in the end she just retreated into herself, a little like Jo did I guess, and Alex had to administer a mild sedative so that she would sleep through the night." Jesse paused; he had picked up the pamphlet off Rae's bed and had it in his pocket. He found his fingers playing with the corner of it as he spoke.

"She won't be able to go to the funeral, Steve; she just isn't up to it physically or emotionally. When I went to see her this morning she told me that she had decided not to have the operation yet because of the danger to the baby, and the fact that there could be up to eighteen months post operative pain. She didn't discuss it with me, she just told me."

Jesse waited to see if Steve would offer any advice and was relieved when he did just that. "She's the one to make the final decision, Jess. I don't know if I could stand eighteen months of pain, especially not the type of pain she has been suffering with, I guess I would do anything to get better, but then I don't have her injuries; maybe she doesn't feel that the risk is worth it. There is a risk isn't there?"

"Yeah, this surgery is still relatively new, and figures aren't readily available on its success and failure rates."

"But it isn't gonna change what you have is it? Your marriage is strong, and secure, and if Rae doesn't have the operation, this won't alter that."

"I don't know, she didn't talk it over with me, and I'm a doctor, she just made the decision and that was it, finished with. Yesterday Doctor Tammai told us he thought that there might be a chance her left arm would recover, that if she had a neuropraxia it could recover completely, and with an operation the right arm would improve too. I felt hopeful, and then … and then, this morning she tells me she won't have the operation at least until after the baby is born, and not only that, but she is going to The Willows, she has no idea for how long, but it will be until she is ready to come home." Jesse waited. He knew now that he would let Rae go, although he had a feeling that Alex wouldn't release her as soon as she hoped.

"Jesse, that is just wonderful about her arms." Steve stopped talking for a moment, maybe he would get his partner back after all. "But what is The Willows?" Steve looked puzzled, and so Jesse pulled the now rather tattered pamphlet out of his pocket and handed it over. For a few minutes Steve read through their official blurb and then he looked up and smiled. "What a fantastic place! This is just what Rae needs. She should really learn how to regain control of her life while she is there. About a month, that's what it says in here isn't it? It'll seem funny without her around."

"And you think that's ok? That she can just leave, go to San Francisco and leave Eliana and me here, no contact except by e-mail. I can't do that, Steve; anything could happen to her up there." Jesse's mind was still full of doubts, even though he knew he wouldn't change his mind about her going.

"Only in your imagination. She will be perfectly safe, it's like your gated community, but it's all in one building. There's occupational and physical therapy, advice on how to improve your home life, even your sex life! And more importantly maybe than that, she will get to be with other people who are suffering just as she is. Jesse, she needs this, it could turn her life around." For the first time since the two friends had begun talking Steve became animated. He knew that Rae would thrive in the type of atmosphere described in the pamphlet.

"I know, but listen to me, Steve, she didn't talk it over with me, she just made the decisions, and I want her to have the operation, but I don't want her to go to The Willows. But she will still do as she pleases, and ultimately, if I want to keep her then I have to let her do these things. She'll know I am hurt and disappointed, because I'll tell her, but I will stand by her, and that is what Jo needs right now. She won't expect you to just accept everything she said without comment, but she will need you to be able to live with what has happened to her." Jesse paused. He wasn't sure if his words were getting through, and he desperately wanted to help his friend.

"I guess it's Jo's life, but the hurt that comes from not being trusted goes deep, and I don't know that I can look Jo in the eye and tell her that I want to marry her." Steve's voice was low, and Jesse strained to hear him, partly because Steve was looking down at the sand, his fingers were interlaced and he was constantly moving them.

"Steve! No, you can't mean that, you have to go back and sort this out. You have waited your whole life for this woman, you love her and she loves you, and you are gonna walk away from that?" Jesse was horrified, he knew that Steve was upset, but not marry her, he couldn't believe that he would take it that far.

"I don't know, right now I am just so hurt and angry that she chose to shut me out, that she couldn't tell me what had happened, that I know I can't marry her, at least not for a while." Steve's voice wobbled with the emotion of what he had just realised, that although he loved Jo, the pain of what had happened was stronger than that love and while that was the case, he knew that he had made the right decision.

"I think you are wrong, Steve, and if you want her to be able to marry you, then you have to go and talk to her, she didn't shut you out, she just couldn't talk about it." Jesse had a feeling that his words were almost empty now, but knew he had to get through to him. "Steve, I didn't plan to have a child before we were married, and I know you and Jo don't want it either, she has told you before your wedding, before there is no turning back, you need to go and show her that however hurt you are you still love and need her… You do don't you?"

There was no reply and for a few minutes Jesse sat there feeling his heart getting heavier and heavier as Steve just sat, staring out to sea.

The waves crashed onto the shore, and Steve could see Jo in his mind, the tears running down her face as she told him her terrible secret. His initial reaction had been to protect her, and kick the butt of that creep cop all the way across the border, slowly he smiled. "Yes, Jess, I still love her, and I can't imagine my life without her, I guess I just needed someone to straighten things out for me, thank you."

Steve stood up, and Jesse did the same, for a moment they looked at each other and then Steve took his friend into a hug, and in that moment their friendship was as good and strong as ever, or maybe even stronger, because it had been tested, and it had survived.