Dying Men Speak True
As Steve had imagined, the funeral was a very tense and traumatic affair. Jesse had given him a cheque to donate to whichever charity Bob's widow decided upon, from both himself and, more importantly, Rae, and Steve had promised to give her apologies. By the time the actual service was over, and they had gathered at a local hotel for the wake, all Steve wanted to do was get home to Jo and sort things out, but he knew that he would be expected to stay until the end, especially as Mrs. Mills had asked him to help organise the whole event.
Cheryl had sat as close to where Steve stood in the church as she could, and once the pallbearers had finished their duties he had taken the seat next to her. He had held her hand in his for the entire service, and he could feel her shaking as the priest gave his sermon.
As Steve stood, a plate of unwanted food in his hand, he watched Cheryl talking with Sam Yip. She had only transferred to the detective division three weeks before, and was still finding her feet. Steve smiled for a moment as he remembered Martin's delight at no longer being the rooky in the squad. Seeing both women had tears in their eyes Steve decided to leave the two of them together, they would understand each other's emotions, and be able to draw strength from that.
As he looked around Steve felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Jan Burlington. "Hey, Jan, how are you?"
"You know, I have no idea. Somehow this is worse than any other death in the line of duty. I know all of them are terrible, but someone is killed in vice, or homicide, and the cops there feel it, but it leaves the station still able to function, but this, this is different. Bob's influence was felt from the Chief's office down, and everybody is shocked, not only by what happened to the station, but by Bob's death. Every department considered him one of their own."
Steve had been listening intently to what Jan was saying, and neither of them realised that Bob's widow, Joan, had also heard. She put a hand on Jan's shoulder and smiled a small watery smile.
"Thank you so much for saying that, he would have been so touched to know you felt that way. Bob loved his job, the contact he had with the public, and the friendships he made at the station… You know I always felt a little guilty knowing that he was safe there, not out on the streets, facing danger at every turn like the rest of his colleagues. I guess I was wrong, wasn't I?"
Steve didn't know what to say, he remembered how much more relaxed his dad had been when the Captain had allowed him to do desk duty while Jo recovered from her car accident. But he guessed nowhere was safe, you just had to watch your back, and the backs of those you cared about.
Steve put his fingers inside his collar and loosened his tie a little. "Oh, Lieutenant, please undo your collar and relax, I will be eternally grateful for your assistance today, but you don't need to continue to suffer." The grieving woman once again forced a small smile, and Steve, with a quick touch to her hand, smiled at her.
"Thank you, Mrs. Mills; I was honoured to be able to help. Your husband will be sadly missed."
"It's Joan, and thank you." Joan turned then as she heard a throat clear behind her, and she made the usual pleasantries as a couple of mourners came to make their farewells. Jan and Steve took advantage of this, and moved over towards Cheryl and Sam.
The two women were no longer talking, but the silence was not an uncomfortable one, and Steve and Jan were able to easily join them. They sat, the four colleagues, watching as people gradually said their goodbyes and left, until there was only about a half dozen guests remaining. Steve stood up and went over to check that Joan didn't need him any more, and then he came back to get Cheryl so that he could take her home.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An hour later the two friends sat in Steve's car outside Cheryl's house, and for a while they were both lost in thought, then with a sigh Cheryl turned. "If I go and get out of these black clothes would you run me to Community General? I need to go sit with Martin. Doctor Collins called me just before you picked me up to say that he was completely awake now, and I don't want him to be alone."
Steve smiled, that was a piece of good news he hadn't known about. "Ok, but don't stay too long, you need to rest yourself, you know that."
"I know. Steve, I have an appointment with one of the department councillors tomorrow, what do I tell him?"
"Whatever you feel like telling him. There are no rules to this, he may ask you a few questions to start you off, but ultimately you will determine where the conversation takes you." Steve smiled. He hadn't had to see a councillor himself, but he remembered Rae's visit with Brian after she had been injured by one of the animal rights activists, and he had been pleasantly surprised at how it had gone.
By the time Steve had dropped Cheryl off to see Martin he was wishing he had eaten some of the food at the funeral. So he parked his car, and having put a phone call through to Michael to let his dad and Jo know where he was, he headed towards the cafeteria for something to eat.
As Steve moved through with his tray he saw Alex sitting alone eating his meal, and so went over and sat with him.
"Hey, Steve, how are you?"
"Hungry, but I'll be better once I have this inside me." Steve smiled as he looked at his plate with a large portion of meatloaf, potatoes and green beans.
"Yeah, well, I guess you're in the right place, should you need a doctor." Alex looked down at his own plate. He had half the amount that his friend had, and he was finding that a struggle.
"Are you here to see Rae?"
"I wasn't, but I guess I could go visit with her couldn't I? I, uh, I spoke with Jesse this morning, and I know she's planning a few things out right now." Steve wasn't sure if Rae had talked things over with her doctor yet or not.
"I know, I tried to talk her into the surgery, but she's just adamant, that nothing will jeopardise this pregnancy. I don't think any of us realised how much she suffered when Eliana was so early, she's really scared that it'll happen again."
Steve, his mind already full of babies, problems with babies, or no babies at all, just nodded. When he thought of his goddaughter, now a small but smiley, happy, chubby child, she was nothing like his memory of the tiny scrap of humanity that had clung on to life in her incubator, when she was born eight weeks too soon and he realised that however he felt about Jo, and her fear about having another child it would be as nothing compared to her own feelings. "I guess it's almost impossible for us to understand what the mother goes through, huh?"
"Yeah, I think that's right. Sometimes that bond isn't there, the baby is just that, a baby, but in Rae's case Eliana was just so wanted, and she and Jesse were terrified of what might happen, but Rae's feelings were far more complex than Jesse's. Does that make sense?" Alex seemed to suddenly run out of steam, and Steve remembered that he himself was still recovering from serious injury.
"What about you, Alex? How are you doing?"
"Not so bad. Shannon is keeping an eye on me, and making sure I have my breaks when they're due, and take the correct amount of time." Alex smiled, and Steve could tell that he was delighted that she was taking care of him. "I'm still going home and sleeping for about twelve to fourteen hours at a time, but I'm on light duties only, for the next month, so that isn't a problem. Wil is going to assess me then, and decide whether I can go back to my regular shifts. I'm only really treating Rae, and covering paperwork and a few patients on rounds. But I know that at the moment that is more than enough for me." As he finished speaking Alex's face broke into a huge grin, and Steve looked around to see Shannon coming across the room. He stood up and waited for her to reach the table.
Shannon could see the two men talking together, and if she hadn't been so concerned about her boyfriend, would probably have left them alone, but she needed to make sure he ate all his meal, and didn't overdo it. She saw Alex smile at her and his companion rise as she neared the table, and then she moved round and kissed Alex gently on the cheek. "I hope you are gonna finish all that, doctor!" Shannon let her hand rest on his shoulder. "Did you stop working when you were supposed to?"
"I did. I daren't not." Alex turned and kissed her tenderly in return, "and if I don't eat it all, I know a man who will!"
Steve smiled the smile of a man slightly fed up with jokes about his eating habits, and then took the last mouthful of his own meal. He looked at his watch and stood up. "Well, I will leave you to your food. Alex, you look after yourself, and do as this young lady says! Is there a time limit on how long I stay with Rae?"
"No, but if she looks tired you know to go."
"Yeah, ok. Bye, Shannon." Steve picked up his tray and turned to leave.
"Bye, Steve." Shannon looked back towards Alex. "Are you all right, Babe? You look a little tired."
"Yeah, I am a bit. But that is probably because I spent most of my shift going through the files on trauma surgery for the elderly that Doctor Collins gave me. Ever since people found out I am on paperwork only they have been passing all their stuff on to me. It was like sitting in a room full of grandmas' telling you about their operations. I am onto urinary tract infections next. I can hardly wait."
Shannon smiled lovingly at him. "I am only on a five minute break so I had better head back. Don't forget to eat your jello! Oh, and when it gets to seven o'clock you go home, ok?"
Alex looked at the vivid green desert in its little plastic pot and grimaced, but he obediently picked up his spoon and began to eat it. "Maybe I'll see you in the ER later then." Shannon gave a little nod and a wave, and then turned and headed back towards the exit, Alex looked at the green wobbly mass on his spoon, shuddered and put it on the tray, he loved her, but there were limits.
Rae had been reading an article about the changes in the English education system, and wondering how Mara was getting on in school when she heard a light knock on her door, and slowly raised her head to see Steve standing there sliding his phone back into his pocket.
"Hey, partner, how are you?"
Rae's face broke into a huge grin. "Better, now you're here." Very carefully Rae moved her arm and put the magazine down on the bed, then she moved it again so that it was resting on her lap alongside her left arm which was in Alex's brace.
"Rae, Jesse came to see me."
Steve hadn't thought it possible for Rae's grin to increase but it did. "Oh, Steve, thank goodness for that … he did apologise, right?"
"Yeah, he apologised, but, Rae, he thinks that it's his fault that Eliana was taken, you might want to speak with him about it before you go away."
At Steve's words Rae seemed to shrink back into the pillow.
"Rae?"
"Alex says I have to wait, I can't go to The Willows until next month at the earliest. He says I'm not emotionally strong enough to deal with it yet."
"Do you think you are?"
Rae thought for a moment, "No, no, he's right, but I just want to get my life back, Steve, and going there will be the start of that, I know it will."
"Honey, I have to say, you look really tired to me, and I don't know, almost deflated, if that makes sense. You were so up, when you got out of the hospital before Christmas, but that seems to have left you."
"I was, 'up', as you call it. I was just so delighted to be home, with Jesse and Eliana, that even the pain became secondary. Steve, I didn't think I would ever see my home again, and then suddenly there I was, sitting in my living room, a beautiful Christmas tree glistening and sparkling, my daughter playing in front of me, nothing could top that, and for a while that was all that mattered. But gradually I realised that everything around me would change, and I would stay the same. Eliana would crawl, walk, fall, and I could do nothing to help her. Jesse would continue to run my life for me, because I couldn't manage without him. The only time I was my own boss was when I was in the bath, and only then because Jesse had helped me in, and would help me out." Rae stopped. Sharing her feelings seemed to exhaust her almost as quickly as any physical activity right now. She felt Steve's hand over hers and smiled at him.
"Are you ok?"
"Mmm, just a little tired. But you need to tell me what's wrong with you."
Steve shook his head. "And how do you know there is something wrong with me?"
"By your eyes. I can always tell, so give it up, Sloan, maybe I can help."
"No, not yet, but I will, once I know it's alright to share, I will come talk to you." Steve knew that Rae would be able to help him, but he needed to speak with Jo first.
"Promise?"
"Yes, Ma'am, I promise… What, why does that make you smile."
"Do you remember Mrs Barraclough?"
Steve thought for a moment, the name rang a bell with him. Suddenly he remembered why. "Yeah, she was Worthington's housekeeper, why would she make you smile?"
"She doesn't, but she was reading a book called I Promise, you know it was on the best seller list for almost a year, maybe I should read it."
"Maybe, what else are you reading?"
Rae moved her hand and picked up the magazine once again. "I was just updating myself on changes in the school system in England."
"If that was all I had to read, I would be heading for the book store too!" Steve smiled and sat next to Rae's bed. "Is it me, or can you move that arm a little easier?"
"I wondered if you would notice. It still hurts, but it must be a little less, because I am trying to use it more, if you see what I mean."
Steve nodded, and took her hand in his. "And the left one?" He was surprised at the amount of hope that was contained in that question.
"No, just the hand, nothing has changed there but Doctor Tammai said he thought he felt some sort of reaction when he did his sensory test on me."
Steve felt a little deflated. Jesse had seemed so hopeful, but as a leftie himself he knew that without complete recovery to that hand and arm Rae would never return to duty, and even though she seemed to be getting use to that idea, he really wasn't ready to accept it himself yet.
It was another hour before Steve could see that the conversation was beginning to take its toll on Rae.
"I'm gonna go, you get some sleep, and, Rae, I know you have to listen to yourself, and do what makes you happy, but Jesse loves you, and in the end that is all he wants for you too."
"I know, Steve, but I just feel that it is time I took a hold of my own destiny again. It has been in so many other peoples' hands that I want control of it myself for a while."
Steve smiled at her, and leant over to give her a kiss and a hug. He felt, for the first time in a long while, her arm go round his back, and he stayed there a little longer than normal. He had missed her physical presence in his life, and right now a hug from a friend was just what he needed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jo had been glad when she had got the message from Michael that Steve was at the hospital and would be visiting with Rae for a while before heading home. She wanted to speak with him, badly, but she also knew that he needed some time away from what had happened the night before.
The day had passed slowly in the Walters house. Mark had been pottering around the garden, and she had heard him on the phone making plans to return to the beach house at the end of the week. Mark had suddenly had the idea that they could all go to the beach for two days. Steve wasn't working, and maybe everybody could meet up there sometime over the weekend and it would be almost like old times. Jo had been delighted to agree to his plans, and she had a feeling that Steve would want to do it too. Eliana had been a little fractious for most of the day, and Jo had spent almost the entire time Steve had been out either occupying her or worrying about her. She was fast asleep on the sofa now, her little arms flung up above her head, and her feet wide apart as well. She was quiet, and Jo sat in the chair across the room and closed her own eyes. She opened them again; every time she relaxed she could see the hurt on Steve's face as she had told him what happened in Waco. She hadn't told him that once the rest of her squad knew that Wayne had won his bet, nobody had asked her out, or ever again suggested that she join them for a drink. The room at the hotel had become a sanctuary, not only of her own making but through necessity as well.
Steve had been the first man she had gone out with after Wayne, and she knew that she couldn't have found a kinder more gentle man on the face of the earth, and that she had hurt him deeply. It hadn't been her intention to do so, but she hadn't been able to keep her secret any longer. Slowly her body began to relax and she finally closed her eyes again and drifted off into a light but rejuvenating sleep.
That was where Jesse found the two of them, both still asleep when he arrived back to get his daughter after speaking with Steve. For a minute he stood in the doorway to the living room and watched his little girl. She was more than he had ever dreamt of having in his life, and sometimes the amount he loved her almost overwhelmed him. As he moved closer to her, her face clouded and she began to cough, as she did so Jo stirred in her chair and woke up.
"Jesse, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were here."
"That's ok. I haven't been here very long." Jesse had moved over and picked his daughter up, she hadn't minded at all, but the coughing continued. "Jo, my bag is in the hallway, could you go get it for me?"
By the time Jo returned from her errand Jesse had put Eliana back on the sofa and undone the little lilac coloured dress she had on. The fasteners were at the front so that Rae could dress her daughter easily herself, and it had become one of Rae's favourite outfits to put their little girl in. Gently Jesse warmed the stethoscope before placing on her chest, and he listened attentively. Slowly a frown appeared on his face and then he sat her up, and listened to her back. "Do you have her preventative?"
"Yeah, it's in the nursery, I'll go get it."
The little girl began to cough again, but this time both Jesse and Jo could hear the wheezing that accompanied it. Jesse re-fastened the dress. "I think I'll take her to Community General to get her checked over."
Jo nodded and left the room at a run. She took the stairs two at a time, not wanting to take any more time than necessary. By the time she was back down again Jesse had Eliana in her car seat and was waiting for her in the hallway. Mark had come out of the drawing room and was talking quietly with his colleague.
Jesse gave the medication to his daughter and listened carefully to her again. Then with a shake of the head picked up the car seat. "I didn't think the medicine would work, Jo, can you come with me? Mark could you call ahead and see if Alex is there?"
"Of course, you just go, I can do that." Mark watched the two young people leave, and heard Eliana begin to cry as the doors closed on them. He moved over to the phone and dialled the familiar number.
Alex was waiting in the ER when Jesse came in, and to his delight so was Rae. Alex had gone and told her what Mark had said on the phone, and she had insisted on returning to the ER with him.
She smiled at Jo and kissed Jesse quickly on the lips as he leant over her. Eliana was still crying, and Rae could hear the wheeziness that Alex had told her about. She looked up at her friend. "Texas could you push me into the examination room?"
"Of course, I am real pleased to see you." As Jo started to speak Eliana began to suddenly gasp and Alex took her from Jesse's arms and rushed her into the trauma suite. By the time Rae had been pushed in her daughter had a small mask over her face, and wasn't struggling as much as she had feared.
The examination was a relatively quick affair, Alex knew what he was looking for, and soon he had given her a first dose of antibiotic and some Tylenol to reduce the fever he could feel coming on. "Rae, Jesse, I want to admit her, just overnight so that we can monitor her. You know what happened the last time she got this type of infection…" Alex stopped talking. Events had overtaken them the last time Eliana had gotten sick, but this time they knew that wouldn't happen. He was concerned as to how Rae would take the fact that her daughter was ill, but as he turned to look at her, Alex could see that although she was concerned, she was in total control of her feelings.
"Yeah, I thought you would, Alex, but just tonight, right?" Jesse's voice wasn't that of a doctor, but a worried dad.
The young doctor smiled. "Yes, Jesse, just tonight." Alex wrapped Eliana up in a soft blanket that Jo handed him, which she had grabbed off the crib when she picked up the medicine, and then he put a call through to make sure that there was a crib available.
Ten minutes later the newest admission to the brightly coloured, and friendly environment of the children's ward was looking up at a mobile of cows and horses which was slowly turning above her. Rae sat, as close to the crib as she could, watching her baby's chest rise and fall. She seemed much calmer than she had when Jesse had brought her in, and when she felt her husband's hand on her shoulder she was able to lean against him and feel reassured by his presence.
"Rae, are you all right?" Jesse wasn't sure, but there seemed something slightly different about his wife right now. He had expected her to be really worried about Eliana, maybe even hysterically so, but she was sitting, the love shining in her eyes, watching her daughter, and she was calm and at peace.
"Mmm? What?"
"Are you all right?"
"Yeah, I'm concerned about Ana, but I'm fine. Jess, she will be ok won't she? One night will be enough for her to stay?"
"If it isn't Alex won't release her, you know that." Jesse heard her chuckle.
"I do, which is why I'm still here, and not in San Francisco."
Jesse pulled a chair over and sat down next to his wife. He took hold of her hand and together they watched the little girl in front of them, and were relieved that this time they were able to help her recover together.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As Steve had left Rae's room he'd realised that he hadn't been to see any of the officers still in the hospital from the shooting, and so he walked down to where Martin was staying. Cheryl turned and smiled as she heard him behind her.
"Steve, I thought you went back to work."
He shook his head, "No, I went and got some food, and then I sat with Rae for a while. How's he doing?"
"He's doing a little better." It was Martin who spoke, opening his eyes as he did so. "I keep my eyes shut until I know I want to speak to my visitor. My dad came this morning, I can do without any more of those types of visit."
Steve looked over at Cheryl and she shook her head. "So, Martin, how are you feeling?"
"I guess I'm still in shock, I can't believe it, Steve. I know some people hate cops, but to spray the building with bullets. Do you have any idea who is responsible?"
Cheryl nodded this time, and so Steve began to speak. "Yeah, but she has gone underground. I am checking gun clubs, banks, airlines, I'm not getting anywhere, but I'm checking."
"I guess you miss Rae, huh? She was good at that sort of thing."
Steve smiled, he missed her for a lot of things, but bouncing ideas off, working through reams of paperwork somehow it had never seemed so tedious when they were working together. He knew that she had found the interview with George difficult, but there was no reason why he couldn't discuss his cases with her, just as he did his dad, Jesse and Amanda.
"Steve?" Cheryl placed her hand on his arm.
"Sorry, I was miles away." Steve smiled. "I was thinking, just because Rae isn't at work, doesn't mean I can't talk to her about things, maybe she will have some more ideas. She has all the files on the drive bys, and she was with me when I talked to George, thanks, Martin."
"I have no idea what I just did, but you're welcome." Martin smiled, but it turned into a yawn.
"I think it's time we left, Cheryl, can I drive you home?"
"Thank you that would be great." She turned and kissed Martin gently on the lips. "I'll be in tomorrow afternoon; I have to go see the shrink in the morning."
"Ok, tell him everything, it will help." Martin moved slightly in the bed, and a grimace crossed his features.
"I will, if you promise to keep still." As they began to kiss again, Steve turned and left the room. He didn't want to intrude, and he knew that Cheryl needed the support that Martin could give her, wounded or not, it was clear that she was more relaxed around him.
Steve felt her hand on his arm and she looked up at him. "Take me home, Steve, please. Martin's not the only one who needs to go to sleep."
Steve put his arm around his old friend, and she leant into him. He'd realised as they walked that he was being a help to her too. Cheryl was grateful for his presence, but when they got to the car she found her legs beginning to weaken, and she staggered a little.
"Cheryl, are you ok?"
"I'm just really really tired, Steve, it's been one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I guess it has, let me help you into the car."
Steve gently lowered her into the passenger seat, strapped her in and then drove her home. He took her in, made her a mug of soup and then made sure she went straight to bed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Steve had almost been home when his cell phone had begun to ring and he'd had to turn around and return to Community General. Because of his visit with Martin he'd stayed longer than he had meant and decided not to return to the station until the morning. As he parked he saw Jo's car four spaces down from his own, and rushed into the ER. Steve didn't recognise the nurse on duty, but she seemed to know who he was.
"Yes, Lieutenant?"
Steve realised that he wasn't actually sure what to ask, and was just pondering how to begin when he heard his name.
"Steve!"
He turned and saw Jo coming towards him. "I thought I recognised that back, Honey, what are you doin' here?" She came closer and took his hand in her own.
"I was about to ask first. I thought something had happened to Dad."
"I would have called you if that was the case you know that. It's Eliana … Steve," Jo could see the horror that her words caused, "she's ok now, Alex had her admitted, just overnight."
"Asthma?"
"Yeah, well the infant equivalent of, Rae an' Jesse are with her, so I figured I would go home, I was gonna call you if you weren't there already."
"I would have been home, but Amanda called me back. I guess I better go see her, do you want to wait? I will be done for the day then."
"Ok, can I come down with you?" Seeing him nod she let go of his hand and they moved across to the elevator.
Amanda was sitting, two files on the desk in front of her, drinking from an almost cold cup of coffee. She looked up as she heard a tap on the glass door and smiled at her two friends standing there. "Hey, Steve, Jo, how are you?"
"I'm fine, what do you have for me?"
"The arm of the man…"
"Yeah, six foot, 170ish pounds, muscular …"
"And still alive when the limb was removed."