Again, multitudinous thanks to those who read and review.
Ariel was standing at the file cabinet sorting papers when she heard a knock on the door and tried to ignore it. Officially, she wasn't in yet, and it seemed she would never get this filing done…all I need is another fifteen minutes to myself. She felt she had to get things organized for whoever tried to make sense of them next. Maybe if things had worked out here, if I'd been able to help the Professor with… she exhaled heavily.
Duncan's parents had claimed his body the week before, but she still felt …fragile. She had still been seeing her regular rotation of kids, but most of the sessions had been about the boy. Why. How. What now. It was difficult to stay poised, especially when all she wanted to do was run, hand in a resignation. Sometimes it was just too hard to be the grown-up. She sighed and leaned her head against the cool metal of the cabinet when the knock sounded again. The door opened.
"Ariel?"
She closed her eyes tightly and took a deep breath. "Yes, Logan. What can I do for you?" Turning around, she saw him standing there, hands in the pockets of his jeans, looking like he'd rather be somewhere else as well.
"I'm fine. You don't have to check up on me." She smiled a brittle smile, put a file in the drawer and slid it closed.
"Hey, between assignments and … well, everything, I haven't been in here in over a week. I'd hardly call that 'checking up'." His expression was still hard, but his eyes were concerned. "And I'm sorry for that. You okay? Really?"
"Yes. Fine." She looked away from him before her eyes started watering again.
"I wondered, because, well… you haven't been bugging me about a session lately."
Her gaze dropped to the rug and she crossed her arms over her chest.
"I mean, I know you've been busy with the kids..."
"Yes, well, clearly, we weren't getting anywhere. I'll leave the notes for my successor, if you think it will be of any help."
"You're leaving? Why?"
"You should understand that more than anyone, Logan. I don't want to do any more damage here."
He stepped closer, his voice quiet. "You didn't do any damage with me. As far as I can see you didn't do any with Duncan, either. What the hell are you talking about?"
"Fine. I didn't make it worse. I also didn't make anything better." Ariel pushed back her hair and picked up her reading glasses, turning them in her hands. "All I've done is given you another woman to be uncomfortable around. Nothing new. I think it would be better to move on."
Logan's fists clenched and unclenched. "The Prof wants you to leave? And don't try to tell me he doesn't know."
"Professor Xavier understands." She didn't add, 'although he doesn't want me to leave.' In fact, it was only because the Professor told her she was needed at the school for damage control that she hadn't forgone the two weeks notice. Three more days. She could stand three more days. And he promised her he would have a replacement, if she still wanted to leave.
Logan paced toward the door, frustrated, and then back, ending up even closer to her. "Ariel. Look. I… feel responsible."
Her eyes widened in surprise. "Responsible for Duncan? Why?"
"No. Not him." He reached over to her, and in a gesture that was typically hers, brushed her cheek. "You." Her eyes welled up, but she sniffed and straightened up.
"I certainly don't blame you, Logan. I just don't seem to be able to help you. And as for me… I'm not your responsibility."
He frowned. "And I was just a responsibility? That's it?" She could feel him ready to storm out and fighting it. She marveled as she felt him find his way back to calm without showing so much as a blink. Maybe some things had changed, without her even realizing it. "I don't believe that. We've become… friends."
"Yes. But my profession makes it difficult to just be friends, Logan. Even though Charles thought I'd do the most good with you that way." She thought back to that day and frowned. "But maybe that's not quite what you need, either." She looked up at Logan thoughtfully, then shook her head. Logan's fists were tight as Ariel moved around behind her desk. "I'm sorry, Logan. I hope the next counselor will be able to do more for you."
"Right. The one that will magically appear, who will be better at dealing with me than the Professor. Or you." He snorted a laugh. "And you think I've got issues."
"Don't try to deflect this onto me."
"I don't have to try! At least six kids out there are happier, healthier now because of you, and those are just the ones that I know personally. At least! And that's not counting the adults on the team, either, and I know they've been in here, because we talked about you on the last mission." He braced his arms on the desk, leaning on his knuckles. She wondered, tangentially, what would happen to the wood if he extended his claws. "One kid who wouldn't be helped. One very sad, very unique case." Her eyes snapped up to meet his. There was a feeling he projected there, an identification that she had never thought of. "And because of that, everyone else suffers."
"Logan-"
"No. Forget it. But before you go there's something I want to show you." He rapped his fist on the desk defiantly and turned away to sit on the leather sofa.
She stared for a moment, then shook her head. "Logan, you don't have to show me a memory to prove anything to me about Duncan, or about my work-"
He looked up at her, an unreadable expression on his face. Then he began to laugh. It wasn't a happy sound. "Sorry, Doc, this isn't about you. It's about me. Me and Duncan. Oh, yeah. And intimacy issues."
Dr. Waters suddenly felt the unsteady footing of a difficult session. Ariel thanked whoever might be listening that the professional was still inside her, ready to work. She spoke in a calm voice that surprised her. "Were you and Duncan close?"
He laughed again. "No. I hardly knew him." The false smile disappeared. "But who did?"
Ariel came around the desk and leaned against it. "So you feel like you can identify with him."
"You think? The loner who has power, but can't feel comfortable inside his own skin? The one who feels so alone it eats him up at night, until he's just lying there trying to figure out how the hell to get out?" His volume had risen as he spoke, and now he sat, breathing heavily, his face in his hands. Ariel moved to the sofa and sat down near him, waiting until he spoke again, almost in a whisper. "You were right about me having trouble relaxing around women. But you don't know why. I'd like to show you."
"Are you sure?"
He pulled his hands off his face and cracked his knuckles, staring at the floor. "Yeah."
She touched his shoulder, and he turned to look at her. "Can I ask why? I mean, why now? These things are difficult, they can be painful. There's no reason to rush into it..."
He stared into her eyes, and something seemed to burn there. "Why?" He looked as if he was trying to memorize her face. "Because I realized, when Duncan died, that there's something worse than being alone."
The emotion coming from him was so intense that Ariel felt her stomach dropping. "And what is that, Logan?"
He reached out, gently, and pushed her hair back over her ear. "It's believing you're alone, when you're not." His hand dropped, and he stared at the floor. "Duncan died thinking he was alone. I don't want to end up that way. I want to be able to accept what I'm getting here. The people here, the team…" he closed his eyes, struggled with the statement, almost laughed at himself. "They care about me."
Ariel nodded, put her hand on his. "That's true, Logan. They really do."
She watched as his eyes moved over to the repair on the wall of her office, and she felt him fighting the urge to close up again. "But I've got some problems. Things that make it difficult."
She gave his hand a squeeze. "We all have some, Logan."
"Yeah. But this is … different." He turned his hand to clasp hers. "I don't know how you'll feel about this. About me. I…"
"Logan, I assure you, nothing you show me will leave this room if you don't want it to." She smiled softly. "And I'm still not afraid."
"I know that. I just don't know if you'll ever…" He shook his head, sighed. "Let's just do this, okay? I need to get it done." Ariel nodded, concerned, as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Okay. Come on over. Please."