A Trouble Shared

Rae found Jesse standing in the bedroom looking out of the window at the garden. She could see that he had his hands held in tight fists, and knew that somehow she had made him really angry.

"Jesse? Honey, I'm sorry." Rae walked up to him and carefully raised her right hand to rest it on his shoulder, and was hurt both physically and emotionally when he just shrugged her off and moved away. "Jesse, what did I do?"

Jesse turned to her, and now she could see the anger in his eyes. "You don't know, do you? Well, maybe you had better go work it out for yourself, Detective, that way it may stay in your brain just long enough to do some good!"

"Jesse!" Rae stared at him, they had argued, many times, but this time what he had said was nasty and vindictive, and her husband was never that way.

"Will you listen to me?" Jesse looked at her, she seemed scared, and he knew that he had surprised her with his words and actions, he had surprised himself, but she had made him mad, again, and it had to stop.

"Yes, yes, I will, but we have to go back to the lounge, Eliana has a drink and is on her own."

"What? Rae you know better than that, you should never leave a child her age with a drink."

"Yes, Jesse, I do know better than that, I have done this three times before, and am about to do it again, but you were hurting, and I needed to come to you. I had to make a decision, and I made it, you obviously think this was the wrong one, but arguing about it will only keep us from her even longer." Rae's eyes were flashing, and Jesse could tell that he had hit a nerve.

Together, but apart, the two of them walked into the living room. Eliana was sitting, as cute as a button, perfectly safe and happy in the middle of her playpen drinking her drink and watching the world go by. As they entered the room she dropped the cup and smiled at them. "Aii, aii." Eliana was almost one year old, and happy to be alone for a very short period of time, but now that she could see both parents she wanted out so she raised her arms, and waited with the confidence of knowing that she would be picked up almost immediately. This time however, neither Jesse nor Rae wanted to take her out, they had things to discuss that would not be made easier if she was either squirming round in their arms or free on the carpet. Jesse walked over and picked up the octopus that Shannon and Alex had brought for her and put it in the playpen. Appeased for now, their little girl put her arms down, and then around her toy.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jo had sat and watched Steve as he slept; occasionally his face would cloud as he moved his head, putting pressure on the stitches as he lay, still in pain, even though Jo knew that the pillow was the softest one she had. After just over an hour Jo had placed her hand on Steve's shoulder and shaken him gently. "Steve. Steve, darlin' you have to wake up, just for a second. Steve." His eyes had flickered, and then recognising her voice, had opened, and focussed, a little shakily, on her.

"Jo, what? Are you ok?" Steve had tried to sit up but Jo had kept her hand on his shoulder and he had relaxed gratefully back against his soft pillow.

"I'm fine, just followin' doctor's orders, Honey, do you know what happened to you?"

For a moment Steve's features clouded over once again, and Jo could see him concentrating on her question. "I … I was hit, I hope I was hit, I have a terrible headache."

Jo smiled and took his hand in hers. "Steve, who is Sandra Breth?"

This time Steve remembered, "Oh, great, she hit me."

Jo leant over and kissed him gently on the lips, "An' now you can go back to sleep."

Steve smiled a sleepy smile, and raised his arm to touch her face, but pain creased his features and he cried out.

"Steve, what's wrong?" Jo was instantly concerned.

"Nothing, I just forgot … that she pulled my arm back. Good night." This time the other hand came up and Steve traced his finger down her cheek, then his eyes closed, and his hand rested back on the covers. By the time Jo had replied he was fast asleep again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Cheryl had got back to the station in time to speak with the Captain personally, and he informed her that Steve's truck had been found parked by the side of the road, but there had been no sign of their quarry. The road had been a busy one, and the sidewalks were full of people, there was also a bus stop on each side of the road, and so the location of Ms Breth was still a mystery.

The discussion turned to Steve and Jo's forthcoming wedding, and the Captain said he was organising a collection for a main present, and that it would be open to the entire precinct. Most people knew who Steve was, and wanted to join in.

"I've been invited to the wedding, Sir, but I'll contribute as well. I … um … I'm going to see Martin tomorrow, I … have some books to lend him, would you like me to ask him too?" Cheryl could feel herself getting a little warm and hoped she wasn't blushing.

"Yes, yes, Detective, that's a good idea; do you know how he's doing now he has been discharged?"

Cheryl knew exactly how he was doing, but she didn't want the Captain to know that, nor the fact that he was probably fast asleep on her sofa or in her spare room right now. "The last time I spoke to him he had started the physical therapy on his shoulder, and he sounded terrible. I'm hoping I'll find him a little brighter this time." That wasn't a lie, at least. He had been in a lot of pain after the first session, and every time he spoke to her she had heard it in his voice. 

"Maybe I should give him a call, or go see him, I only managed to get into the hospital once."

Cheryl was convinced her heart would stop. "I'll … I'll tell him, Sir, I'm sure he'll be delighted. But, could you call him on his cell first? He doesn't answer the door unless he knows who it is." Cheryl's mind was racing.  "In fact, maybe if he's having physical therapy again this week he could call in here on the way home."

Captain Newman smiled, and Cheryl felt herself relax a little. "That sounds like a better idea as long as he isn't in too much pain. I will call him in the morning and see how he wants to play it, but I don't know when I'll have time to get there. Thank you, Detective."

"Thank you, Sir." Cheryl turned and left the Captain's office, then she moved across to her desk, rang through to Steve's home number and told Michael that the truck had been found, and was being brought back to the impound yard to be checked over and would then be released back to its owner who, Cheryl knew, would be very relieved. Steve was a typical man about his truck. Then she picked up the bag with the new books in that she had bought for Martin and headed home.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Jess, why did what I say start this off?" Rae still didn't know why a simple joke had provoked almost the worst reaction she had ever seen in her husband.

Jesse felt his anger rise again and tried to push it down. "Because, all I want to do is protect you, and not only do you not want to take it, you won't even acknowledge what I am doing, or why."

"Jesse, that's not true, I … I." Rae stopped talking. She realised that part of what Jesse was saying was true. "You just go over the top, you panicked when I went out with Eliana and Texas, you want us to have security cameras in our house, and alarms on our windows, Jesse, it isn't likely to happen again, we have to move on."

"Yeah, we do, but not at break neck speed. It hasn't been that long since you were attacked in the hospital, Rae, and no one expects you to bounce back, except maybe you. If you take things slower then the results are likely to be longer lasting."  Jesse just wanted to take her in his arms, hold her tight and forget the argument, but these things had to be talked about, and if she was going to go away then they needed to be settled now.

"But that still doesn't tell me why you lost your temper. You said that you had talked with Lauren, and that the session had gone well. You knew that you needed to let me go, but you have to let yourself go too. I miss the happy Jesse, full of jokes, full of fun, Eliana needs a life outside these four walls, she doesn't get that at the moment, and I need one too. We need to be a normal family again, or maybe start to be one, we can go on outings, enjoy ourselves." Rae hoped that she could use what he had become and what they could do to show him what they were missing, but she could still see the fury in his eyes. "I've told you all this over and over again, and made light hearted comments but it never made you get so angry before." Rae's voice showed Jesse that she still couldn't understand why her joking around had upset him so.

"I have surfed the net, tried to find the best security companies I could to come and make our home more secure, and all you can do is throw it in my face. You don't like the security cameras, ok, but you only want window wires, nothing else, you're treating me like a child, and dismissing my ideas as if they were ludicrous and that hurts. You want me to let you live your life the way you want to, but you aren't prepared to treat me the same way. You want our daughter to have a life, to go places, ok; I'll take her, right now." Jesse was keeping his voice as calm as possible, but he realised that for a while he needed to go out.

"No, Jesse, you can't." Rae suddenly felt panic in her chest, and she clenched her fists, not wanting it to show.

"I can't?" Jesse voice now was incredulous. "Why, because I can't do it like you, I can't take my baby out in her stroller and just let her play on the grass, I can't look after her, on my own just for a little while, or I can't do it because you won't let me?"

Rae wanted to answer, wanted to tell him that he was wrong, that she wasn't answering because she couldn't. She wanted him to know that the thought of him going out and leaving her alone, when she didn't know for sure where he would be or when he would come back filled her from head to toe with dread, but she couldn't, because however much she wanted it, her voice wouldn't obey her commands.

Jesse waited for his wife to say something, anything, but Rae was silent, and Jesse, mistaking this for another indication of her disapproval, stood up, swept his daughter out of the playpen and walked towards the front door. "I won't be long; I have my phone with me … just in case I can't cope with her on my own and have to call for advice."

Rae was still sitting on the sofa, and she nodded mutely. Jesse hearing nothing let himself out of the house, strapped Eliana into her car seat and started the engine. Rae heard the car as it pulled slowly out into the road and then drew away.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

By the time Cheryl got home it was three o'clock and she was feeling tired and fed up. She quietly unlocked the door to her apartment and smiled as she saw the sleeping form of Martin, as she had imagined him, on her sofa. She shut the door, and the clicking of the lock disturbed him just enough for his dreams to recede.

"Cheryl, is that you?" Martin's voice was heavy with sleep and it took him a moment to focus and realise where he was.

"It sure is, you were expecting the Easter Bunny maybe?" Cheryl smiled and crouched down beside him, kissing him gently on the lips as she did so.

"You can wear a rabbit suit any time you like; I think you'd look cute with long floppy ears and a bob tail!" Martin's voice was relaxed now, and Cheryl knew that he was still under the influence of his latest dose of strong painkillers. She hadn't been kidding when she told the Captain that he had sounded terrible after his first session of physical therapy and the last one he had attended had only been yesterday. The exercises he was doing were to strengthen the shoulder muscles, and to give him back the full range of movements that he had before he was shot.

"You sound much better than you did this morning, how's your shoulder?"

"Sore, but not as bad as it was, I'm sorry I was a pain in the butt yesterday."

Cheryl kissed him on the lips again, "Shhh, it's ok, you weren't a pain, but I knew that you were in pain. Now, did you do your exercises today?"

"Yes, I slept after you left this morning, and then when I woke up at eleven-ish I did some, I had lunch, did them again, went back to sleep and now I am awake again, but I have no intention of doing any more today." Martin was pleased with himself. He had been out of the hospital for a week, and it was the first time that he had done his exercises by himself.

"Oh, well, I have a reward for a good boy who did his homework." Cheryl opened the bag she had with her and brought out three books. They were all historical biographies, which she knew that Martin devoured. The smile that lit up his face was worth the time she had spent reading all the titles on the shelf with her head tilted sideways.

"Thank you, I'll save them until tomorrow. I won't read when I have you to talk to instead." Martin smiled and then, slowly and painfully, sat properly on the sofa and raised his good arm so that Cheryl could snuggle up to him. This time when they kissed, Martin was able to run his fingers over Cheryl's tight curls, and feel her body moulding against his own. "Mmm, that was better than any book."

"The Captain said he planned to go to your place and visit with you." Cheryl smiled, what she hoped was a sweet and innocent smile.

"What?" Martin looked horrified, but then he saw her smile quiver a little and he knew she was playing. "What happened? Did he really say he was going to visit with me?"

"Oh, yeah, but I managed to ward him off, I said that next time you go for physical therapy you might come by the station."

"Oh great, thank you so much." Martin smiled. While the painkillers were working at full strength he felt well enough, and strong enough to enjoy Cheryl's company. Once the pain came back he knew that he would just want her near him, to hold him and help him through until he could take the next set of tablets.

"Martin, Steve and Jo are getting married next Thursday; do you think that you will be ok to go?"

Martin nodded. "Sure, if I get an invite, and I don't have to take part in a bachelor party go-karting tournament it will be fine. I'll just sit quietly, surrounded by people I don't know, and wish it was my wedding."

"No, it's at the beach house, just a small affair, you will know everyone, and you will be able to go lie down if you need …" Cheryl stopped talking, and blinked. "What did you say?"

"I said, I wish it was my wedding." Cheryl backed away a little bit, and saw the hurt in his eyes as he spoke again. "I'm sorry, I guess I misread you."

"No, no you haven't misread me, but it was just a shock. Martin, I'm older than you, and I've been married before, I don't know that I want to go down that road again." She felt his body relax a little, and leaning back into him Cheryl smiled. "Let's just see where this takes us, ok? We have the rest of our lives ahead of us; I'm not planning on being alone for a long while yet."

"Good, me either. So what do you get for the couple that has everything and a butler?"

"I have no idea, are you up to a few hours on the Internet? There must be something on there that can give us some ideas." Cheryl carefully got up from the couch so that she didn't hurt him.

"Oh, I'm sure there are, but aren't we looking for wedding gifts?" Martin smiled a knowing smile, Cheryl tapped him lightly on his good arm and then just looked at him, and with a smile of her own she winked in an exaggerated manner, and sashayed her way across to the computer.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rae had managed to keep her panic within herself for about, she imagined, two or three minutes after Jesse had left, but then she couldn't cope with her feelings any longer. Looking around in fear Rae felt about twelve feet tall. She just knew that everybody would be aware that she, Reagan Travis, was on her own in the house, that there was nobody there to protect her. The beautiful patio doors suddenly became a huge gaping hole in the wall, a space where the whole world could see into her home, into her heart. Rae's breathing became short and uneven, she broke out into a cold sweat, and she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that she had to get out of the room.

Getting shakily to her feet Rae moved into the hallway, and then like a frightened animal caught in the headlights of a car she stood and looked around her, not knowing which way to run. Suddenly she realised that she could go where no one would be able to see her, or think that she was there, and Rae turned and headed into her bedroom, and without stopping moved through it and into the bathroom.

When she had squeezed herself as far into the corner of the room as was possible, she moved her knees up to her chest, and wrapped her right arm around them trapping her useless left arm between her legs and her body. Then, once she knew she was safe again, Rae began to concentrate on her breathing. She could still remember Mark helping her right back in the past when she had first arrived in Los Angeles, and if she shut her eyes, she could hear him telling her to concentrate on his voice. 'Slowly in … then out again … in … out again." It had worked then, as she had a panic attack in the hospital and it began to work now. Gradually, she got herself a little more under control, and turning slightly Rae leant her head against the cold tiles and closed her eyes.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jesse and Eliana hadn't gone far, just down the road and around the corner to The Green. Not the most poetic of names for the recreational area that was designated for their road and the ones next to it. The service charge for living in their house was high, and one of the perks of that was having this beautiful area, which had barbeque pits, a baseball diamond, and a small bandstand, as well as swings, slides and roundabouts and plenty of benches for people to sit on and enjoy the trees and flowers that were planted in any number of beds all around them.

Jesse took his little girl out of the car, locked it up and then they headed, together, towards the baby swings. Once Jesse had secured her firmly into one, he moved it gently towards him and then let go. Eliana was not sure, her face became a little unsettled, and she looked at her daddy. Jesse stopped the movement of the seat and let it just hang there for a moment. Eliana waggled her legs, and the swing moved, this time she did like it and laughed, and Jesse seeing that she was relaxed once again moved it a little more.

Soon, the swing was moving back and forth enough to cause the wind to ruffle the soft brown curls, and her giggles could be heard not only by Jesse but by an elderly couple sitting on nearby seats who were watching the picture of a happy and devoted father and child with great pleasure. Suddenly, Jesse realised what he had been missing, Rae was right, Eliana was enjoying herself, and so was he. Very seldom did Jesse get the chance to spend any time alone with his daughter. He had worked, or worried, since she was born, but never spent time just taking his little girl to places where he could have fun with her, where he could watch her and see how she was progressing, growing, learning, and where he could realise that the whole world wasn't planning to take her from him the very first chance they got.

The sun was warm on Jesse's back as he moved the swing once more, then, before either of them had the chance to get bored he took Eliana out of the seat, they found a shady spot on the grass and Jesse, after laying his jacket down for her, placed her in front of him and smiled at her. "This is nice, except we should have a picnic; maybe next time we could bring some of that Marmite stuff on little soldiers, and a drink, what do you think?" Jesse realised that he was already planning on doing this again, and again.

Eliana gazed at her daddy for a little while, and then a bird flew overhead, crying out as it did so and she looked for the noise, as she turned Jesse could see that she became aware of other things around her, and her little hand moved down and grabbed a fistful of grass which she straight away aimed towards her mouth.

"No, Honey, I don't even want to think what could be on that." Jesse took the grass from her, and seeing her face begin to pucker ran his fingers across her tummy causing her to forget her distress and giggle for him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rae had finally managed to calm down enough to relax her grip on herself and had just begun to straighten her legs out when she heard a noise, and suddenly all her fears came flooding back to her. She had no idea what the noise was, or, she realised in a moment of rationality, whether there had actually been one, but once again she could feel her heart rate increasing, and the blood pounding in her ears, and she was even more scared. As she began to pull her knees up again Rae felt her cell phone in her pocket, and suddenly realised that she could get Jesse back.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Eliana had decided that the coat her daddy had given her was just too small, and was thinking about moving off it. The grass felt strange to her hands, and she wanted to touch it again. With a big smile to soften the moment she positioned herself and placed one hand off the jacket.

Jesse was just about to move his little girl back into the middle of the material mat, when he saw his cell begin to vibrate in the pocket and he grabbed it before Eliana realised that it was right by her foot.

"Jesse Travis …" For a moment he thought that there was no one there. He hadn't checked the number before he answered and so he spoke again. "This is Jesse Travis."

"Jesse … help me, please, I … can't do this …" Rae's voice was faint, and coming in gasps.

"Rae, Honey, it's all right, take a deep breath, don't worry, I'll be right there."

"Jesse … I …" there was a loud noise and then nothing, nothing but static.

"Hello, hello, Rae? Rae!" Jesse grabbed Eliana who had made her bid for freedom and was heading for a little clump of daisy's and even in his worried state, Jesse knew that someday he would make a chain of them for her and put them round her neck, and then she'd eat them,  but for now he needed to get home, I guess I'll wait a few years, so he picked her up and then his jacket, and walking faster than usual, but not fast enough to scare her, Jesse and his daughter finished their outing.

Rae had thought she would pass out with relief when she heard the familiar strength of her husband's voice on the phone, but her own voice came out very faintly, and she knew that first of all he hadn't been able to hear her.

The strain of holding the phone had been too much for her in her tense and frightened state, and after speaking with him Rae's hand had begun to shake, and she had dropped the phone onto the tiles and waited for him to come back to her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Steve had slept until the middle of the afternoon before stirring, and Jo, relieved to see him at peace, hadn't tried to wake him again. She quietly watched him for a little while after he had fallen asleep and then Jo had sat at her dressing table, logged onto the internet and begun to surf once again for the perfect dress. About a half hour later she had found a beautiful item that she just knew would be ideal for her honeymoon. With a smile she had ordered and paid for it in just a few minutes, and then she had continued her search. The pad by the side of her laptop had quite a few notes on it before she heard Steve begin to stir once again.

"Jo … ?" The pain that Steve was feeling came out in his voice, and it sounded strained and concerned.

"I'm here, it's all right." Jo moved over and sat on the side of the bed, "Shhh, just lie there a minute an' get your bearin's, there's no rush." She watched as Steve moved himself into a sitting position before leaning back on the headboard and closing his eyes once more.

"What did she hit me with? It wasn't a truck was it?" Steve was feeling rough, but he wanted to be up and about and planned to fight through it.

"No, she just stole that, but it's been found now, an' you can go get it anytime." Michael had put his head round the door of the bedroom a little while earlier to let Jo know that Steve's beloved truck had been found. She smiled, even when Steve had been relating the story to her of how he had lost his first truck a few years before the indignation and personal hurt had come over loud and clear.

"Oh, ok. I'll go get it tomorrow, for now I think I'll get up and go downstairs." Steve paused, "I can get up can't I?"

Jo smiled and leant over and kissed him gently on the lips, when he began to respond, and wrapped his arms around her she kissed him with more passion, and then with a glint in her eyes she pulled away. "You may go downstairs in a little while, but y'know, it's a real shame I had to give that nurse's uniform back." With that she traced one of her long, deep gold nails across his chest, kissed him once more on the lips and left the room. Steve sat there, his heart racing, watching the door close behind her, and realised with a smile that his life was never ever going to be the same again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jesse had parked the car on the driveway, rushed into the house, and, only stopping to put Eliana in her playpen, had gone into their bedroom, sure that that was where Rae would be, when he couldn't find her there he moved to the nursery and the spare room, but she wasn't there either. With his panic rising, and calling out her name in case she was hiding somewhere, he checked the family room and the kitchen, and finding both rooms empty, moved back to the bedroom to start the search again. As he did so he saw a movement through the crack in the door that led to the bathroom and began to open it. "Rae? Rae, it's me." Jesse pushed the door wide and there in the corner, lying curled up and obviously crying was his wife. "Honey, whatever's the matter? Come on, let me help you up and I'll take you into the lounge so we can keep an eye on Eliana."

Rae heard his voice, looking through the rooms for her, but she couldn't call out. Although she knew that she was no longer alone, the panic was taking a while to recede, and so she waited for him to come to her. Finally, after what seemed like hours and hours, the door to the bathroom opened, and after a few words she felt his arms go round her, protecting her once more from the devils inside her.

Jesse carefully laid her on the sofa, covered her over with the throw that they kept over the back of it and once she was warm and comfortable he sat next to her and took her hand. "Rae, tell me what happened? You weren't upset when we left, I never would have gone if you had been."

For a moment Rae gathered her thoughts, the panic attack had been a sudden and frightening occurrence, and she knew that she had to talk about it. "It was your leaving that made me scared, I … I said you couldn't go, but you went anyway."

"I couldn't go because you didn't want me to? Was that what you meant? Honey, it was a bit unclear, I thought you meant I couldn't go because without you with me I wouldn't be able to cope."

"No … I meant that without you with me I wouldn't be able to cope." Rae smiled a small smile, Jesse had it completely right, but just about the wrong person. "Every time I haven't known where you are something bad happens."

"What? Rae, I don't understand, try and tell me what you mean." Jesse turned, checking that Eliana was fine, and he could see that she was. The shapes were all over the floor of the playpen and she was carefully picking them up and putting them down again. Jesse guessed it was fascinating to her, as she wasn't at all interested in him right now.

Rae took a breath and prepared to unburden herself. She needed to share her fears; otherwise she knew they would take her over. "Jesse, she strangled me, tried to kill me, and nobody knew where I was, I didn't know you very well, I knew I loved you, but I didn't know where you were, I had gone while you were home, but I didn't know where you were, I called for you, but I knew you couldn't hear me."

For a moment Jesse had to think, to work out who his wife was talking about, it didn't take long before the image of her lying, strangled, on the floor of the classroom flooded his mind, and pushing it back down he began to speak. "But you're wrong, Rae, I did know where you were, I worked it out, and I came, and you were ok again, it was all right." Jesse took hold of her left hand and gently began to stroke the back of it.

"No, no it wasn't, don't you see? Everything that has ever happened came from that. If I had told someone what I was planning to do, you or Steve, you would have told me not to do it, and I wouldn't be like this, scared and dependent. It was because of her that that man came into my life, took my picture and … and then he took you. I didn't know where you were, I couldn't help you, and … he nearly killed you." There were tears on her face now, but Rae made no effort to brush them away, and Jesse, wanting desperately for her to stop talking so that he could hold and help her, knew that she had to keep going, that actually telling him all this would help her more than he ever could.

"When Donovan attacked me, I was alone, we weren't even talking to each other, and when I woke up …" Rae lowered her eyes, she felt that she could no longer look at him. "I … I don't remember much about any of that time, not really, not until I got home, but you were a stranger, it was only because you told me things that I knew who you were."

"Rae … I never knew that. So when you came round and I was sitting there, holding your hand and talking to you, until I said something like 'Look Rae, it's Steve or here comes Mark.' You had no idea who they were, who any of us were?" The look on Jesse's face almost broke Rae's heart all over again, and she stopped his fingers from stroking her by placing her other hand over his.

"Everything is disjointed; I'm not real sure if I have things in the right order. I can see Donovan's face as he swung the wood, I don't know why, but I can, but then everything seems to merge a little bit. I remember lying in a hospital bed, not knowing who I was, or why I was there, but being unable to do anything about it. Then I heard voices, they were a long way away, but they were always there, always talking, and saying nice things, names, I heard lots of different names, but they had no faces, I didn't know who they were, and then gradually I got closer to the voice, and I could feel things, touch, I could feel people there, holding my hand or stroking my face, and I guess I must have come round after that." Rae had spoken slowly but fluently. She had never told anybody that before, the fact that all the people in her life loved her very much and cared for her had always made her feel very guilty that at that time they had meant nothing to her.

"So until I said 'Rae it's Jesse', you didn't know who I was?"

"No, but once you had then I knew that the face and the name went together. The memories came back a little at a time, and I realised just how special you were to me. But Texas, I didn't remember her at all, I had no idea who she was, and you and Steve, you went away and left me with her, she was a stranger, and you left me with her, but somehow she was different, I knew I could trust her, and she was nice, but I always felt so much better when you were with me."

Jesse kissed her gently on the lips, "And then I left you again, didn't I?" Jesse shook his head, it had been the worst decision he had ever made in his life, "I'm sorry, Rae."

"I know, but we found each other again, and we had Eliana, but it had to get much worse before she came…" Rae paused, she had talked about this before, but it was always hard. "When he took me, when he hurt me again, he hurt you so much more, Jesse, I … I saw him … I … saw him … sh … shoot you." Rae was shaking now, and Jesse, afraid that the panic would return placed a hand on her face and turned her towards him.

"Shhh, for a minute, just shhh." He was relieved when Rae nodded her head, and the shaking gradually subsided. Jesse didn't encourage her to continue, he knew that when she was ready she would start to talk and, after about five minutes, she did just that.

"He was so awful to you, and I couldn't do anything, I was scared for you, but I was expecting our baby, I couldn't let him know or harm her, and when I tried to get near … he just swatted me away." Rae shut her eyes, she could see Jesse lying chained up, that man standing over him the gun in his hand, and then that terrible moment when the gun had gone off, and she thought she had lost him. "He took me away, wouldn't let me stay, and I had no idea what had happened to you, and … and then I saw the newspaper." The tears were flowing freely again now, and Rae couldn't continue to speak. She turned slightly towards Jesse and he took her in his arms and let her cry.

He felt the tears come up in his own eyes as she began to talk again. "When …" Rae swallowed her tears, she had to keep going. "When I saw the paper, which he just threw at me, he was so thrilled with himself, I thought my life was over… It didn't matter any more whether Steve found me, you wouldn't be waiting for me, no-one would, not really, and I could see a life with him. But only until he worked out I was pregnant, I knew that he would either kill the baby or both of us… I started to die the day I thought you had." Rae stopped again, she had been talking for a while, and she was incredibly tired, but she wanted to keep going, get it all finished in one go, and then hopefully she wouldn't have to ever think about it again.

"When they found me, I don't know what happened, I don't remember it. I heard footsteps, like someone was walking above me, and then it went quiet, I knew everybody had gone, and there was complete darkness, nothing, no sound, no light, it completely enveloped me and I was convinced that I would die there, alone, just me and my child. There was a bright light, too bright, and then it was gone, it happened a few times, I had no idea what it was but it was there." Rae knew what it was now; the flash was part of a set up taking pictures to put on that animal's perverted web site. For a moment the face of Neil Crosier came up in front of her, and she shuddered, hateful man.

"Rae?" Jesse felt her shake again, but only for a moment and it was gone. She was leaning back on the arm of the sofa, no more tears were falling, but he had a feeling that she wasn't far from crying once again.

"When I remembered that you were dead, Steve and Alex showed me that you weren't, and I was just so relieved, everything was going to be all right, but I should have known better. You were there, but I didn't know where you were, you weren't with me, and then his mother tried to kill me, and she shot Steve. You were right there in front of me, but I had no idea where you were, and everything went wrong. And today you … went away, I didn't … I didn't know where you or Eliana was, and I … suddenly … knew that something … something would go wrong, and … I couldn't get to you, and you … wouldn't be … able to help … and … I couldn't … I couldn't … breathe." Rae stopped, the memories of her panic attack and the desperation she had felt were too recent; she was having trouble breathing again, and closing her eyes she tried to hear Mark's voice.

"Rae, you can do this, breathe quietly and slowly, and you will get control, it's ok, I'm here now, you know just where I am, nothing is going wrong, there, in and out that's it." Jesse had an almost singsong tone to his voice, and he could see that he was making a difference to his wife. Once she had calmed herself again Jesse took her hand in his. "Rae, can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Why did you panic today? Because that's all it was, just a panic attack. I know that they are frightening, but you can get over them quickly. I left you at Amanda's, I have left you here, just you and Eliana when I've gone to work, why was today any different?"

"Because I didn't know where you were.  You got into the car and you went, you and Ana, I still don't know where, the other times I knew you were working. If I had a moment of panic I could shut my eyes and see you, Doctor Travis, in your white coat, tending to someone who needed you much more than I did, and everything would be ok. Because when I know where you are, then in my world, everything is always ok."

Jesse didn't say anything, he didn't have any words to reply, but just the feeling of her body next to his, the warmth as she snuggled up to him, he knew that he felt exactly the same way.