Filling In the Gaps
Rae had remained in Jesse's arms until he had to leave for work. Every time she shut her eyes she saw the young girl on her knees and then, if she kept them shut, the whole dreadful scene played out again in front of her. She'd had flashbacks before, but never about her work, never something that wasn't happening directly to her, and Rae found that each time Jesse moved away from her she began to shake.
Slowly as the time for him to leave got closer she told him what had happened, not leaving anything out, she even showed him the blood stained clothing that was in the laundry basket.
"I want to throw it away, but I can't, not until I find out why those two girls felt they had to do that. Jesse, how do you cope when someone dies like that, for nothing? You must have seen it, must have had to deal with it before. Dammit, I was helpless, I couldn't save them… Jess, how do you cope with not being able to save them?" The shaking had started again then, Rae had stopped talking and for a while Jesse wasn't able to answer as her tears fell, warm and heavy, onto his chest and he held her as close to him as he could, not saying anything, knowing that he was helping just by being there.
Finally when the tears had stopped and Rae had looked up at him, the pain and helplessness still there in her eyes, he had begun to speak.
"I don't think you do cope. You do your job, I do mine, and sometimes we fail, nobody's perfect, Rae, if they were these things wouldn't happen, and we wouldn't be needed. A while back I lost a boy, he was only young, killed by a drunk, I tried for hours to save him, but in the end he was just too badly injured … and I had to let him go. It is hard but that's what you have to do, you have to let these girls go. Honey, I know it's tough but they chose to die, they didn't want your help, if they had then the second student would still be alive, you have to …" The alarm clock cut off his words, and with a sigh that seemed to reach to her very soul Rae moved out of his arms.
"Thank you, Jess, now go, and I hope that you don't have to deal with anything like this today." Rae had turned from him and pulled the covers up over her shoulders. Jesse knew that he should stay, that she needed more than he had been able to give her, but he was working the morning shift and it would be busy, it always was, there was no way he could not go in.
Rae had listened in silence as her husband got dressed, made himself a coffee and then came back into give her a goodbye kiss. She had taken it without a word, and he had crouched down by the side of the bed.
"Rae, talk to Steve, tell him how you're feeling. He was there, Honey, he'll understand what you're going through better than I can." There was still no reply, but Rae nodded her head, just a little, and Jesse kissed her once more, then he checked on his daughters before heading out into the crisp Los Angeles morning.
By the time Rae had dropped Eliana and Anneya off with Sally and arrived at the station, she was so up tight and anxious that she wasn't even sure why she was there. For the first hour she had just sat at her desk trying to write a report on what had happened the day before, and although all the initial facts were there she couldn't sign it and leave it on the Captain's desk because to her it was incomplete and pointless. She knew that she had no business going back to the parents of the girls, both families had been devastated by what she and Steve had told them the night before, and speaking with them again would only increase their agony, but her agony was large too, and she had no idea how to assuage it. The class- and roommates of the dead girls were being interviewed by the two officers who had taken the original call, it wasn't her case, but she couldn't let it drop.
It was just after nine before Steve entered the squad room, and normally the fact that she had beaten him in would have caused her great delight, but she hardly acknowledged him, and, anxious for her well being, Steve had made her a cup of herbal tea and then moved across towards her desk.
"Rae, are you ok? Jesse called me, he said you were real upset about what happened yesterday." Steve watched his partner, and his heart sank when she looked up at him, he saw the pain in her eyes and his voice became soft. "Oh, Rae, you'd never seen anything like that before had you?"
"No, and I don't ever want to have to see it again. Just leave me alone, Steve, just go… Oh, bloody hell!" Rae had pushed against her partner as she told him to leave, and her hand caught the full cup of hot tea, sending it all over her report. She stood up, letting her chair crash behind her, and turned, almost blindly, away from Steve. The wastebasket was directly in her way and she kicked out at it sending it hurtling into the wall in front of her, the sound of metal against brickwork clanging out across the quiet room. Then with a cry that came from the heart she placed her head in her hands and the shaking of the early morning returned.
Steve had watched her, knowing how much she was hurting, and not sure what to do about it, but when she began to shake, he moved over and placed his hands on either shoulder, hoping to turn her and pull her towards him, but she had jumped in fear and with a gasp run from the room. Steve knew that when she was deeply scared or traumatised his partner ran, normally to her bedroom, a place she felt safe, and he also knew that here, in front of all her colleagues, her collapse would be even harder for her to cope with and so he too rushed from the room hoping to be able to get to her before the demons of the past met with the demons of the present. What he saw made him stop in his tracks.
Rae had got as far as the first corner where she had sunk down onto her haunches and was sobbing, the emotions coming to the surface once again. But it was who was with her that caused Steve the most concern. Crouched down next to her, a consoling hand on her shoulder was Chief Masters, and, as Steve got closer, he could hear his boss talking with her.
The usually gruff and clipped voice was now soft, low and soothing, and Steve watched the compassionate way his partner was being treated with astonishment.
"Rae, Reagan, let me take you to my office, nothing can harm you there, and we can talk about this, ok?"
Steve paused as he saw Rae nod her head and then the Chief carefully put his arm around her and helped her to her feet. As he did so, he saw Steve standing there and motioned him to join them.
Steve had stayed two paces behind his superior officer and his partner as they made their way to the comfortable suite of offices that Rae had called home for just over a month before she returned to active duty. The thought flashed through Steve's mind that maybe she should have stayed there a little longer.
When Rae was seated in the easy chair that, although Steve didn't know it, the Chief used when he ate his lunch, a call was put through to the new secretary working in the outer office. "Margaret, I'm not to be disturbed …" There were two entrances to the Chief's private room and, not wanting any more people than were necessary to see Rae in her present condition, she had been brought in through the door that led out into the hallway and then on down to the parking lot.
"Rae, can you talk to me yet?" The voice of the Chief of Police was still soft and full of concern, and Steve, who was even more anxious about his partner than his boss was, knew that she would be treated with compassion.
"I'm sorry, Sir. Steve, I'm sorry." Rae's voice was low, but strong, and Steve who hadn't realised that Rae even knew he was there, smiled at her.
"You have no need to apologise, what we saw yesterday was horrific, but trust me, you will get over it." You have to Rae, or it's your career that's over, here and now.
"I know, I guess my senses are just on overload. There are so many bad memories stored in my head I couldn't take another one in. I'm sorry."
The Chief handed her the hot drink that he had requested whilst on the phone and then, pulling a chair up so that he was directly in front of her, he began to talk.
"We work in a department that sees terrible things every day, we don't, thank God, normally work in a department where we have to deal with what happened yesterday. Detective, I was a homicide cop for a long time, and I never saw what you just did. I can't begin to imagine how it must have affected you, both of you, and in any other profession than this one, you would have been given a leave of absence to at least give you time to get your emotions in check. We don't have that luxury here, all I can do is suggest that you go back to your therapist, Rae, and talk with him about it. Sloan, I would also suggest that it might be a good idea if you do the same."
Steve nodded, he didn't know that he would see anyone, but he knew that his boss was looking out for him, and he appreciated that.
"Yes, Sir, I think I will." Rae had smiled a small tight smile and taken a drink from her mug. She stood up, a look of embarrassment on her face. "You have been very kind, but I have a report to write up, and a job to do."
"Detective, sit down." The Chief's voice was back to the tone they usually expected to hear from him, and without another word Rae did as she was told.
"You are not superwoman, and your partner doesn't wear his shorts over his pants. The two of you are each as bad as the other…"
Steve standing the other side of the room shook his head, he couldn't believe he was a part of this conversation, but Rae seemed fine with it. Realising that the Chief was still talking he began to concentrate one more.
"… If you had come in today and there had been no reaction from either of you, I would have been extremely concerned. Reagan, you have been through so much since you emigrated that I can't even begin to think about it all; Sloan, your life hasn't been that much easier. I want the both of you on desk duty today, you take no new cases, you don't take calls for anybody else, and believe me, I will be checking. Now, the two of you may go."
Steve, who had spoken only once since they entered the office, moved across to the door and waited for Rae to catch him up. She smiled at the tall, officious looking man seated at the desk in front of her, and then without another sound turned and left the room.
When Rae and Steve got back to the squad room it was just as they had left it, except that Rae's desk had been cleaned off, the tea covered report was in her, now slightly dented, waste basket, and someone had printed her out another copy. There were actually no phones ringing or noisy conversations going on and so Rae looked at her desk and then turned to face her colleagues. "Thank you, and I'm sorry." She moved across to where Steve was standing. "Steve, I know how much you hate desk duty, even if it is just for a day."
"Yeah, but to tell the truth the Chief is right, and we could do with some time looking at our case load." Rae smiled at her partner, the relief that she felt helping her to relax a little.
The rest of the morning was uneventful, Rae put the report into her pending file, knowing that she wasn't ready yet to finish it, and then she and Steve went over all of the Todd case files trying to see if there was any indication in any of the other notes of what body part he had planned to leave next. That seemed to be a dead end, and so they went back to the dates and locations that their murderer had used, hoping that they would be able to glean something from that.
At lunchtime Rae had put a call through to Jesse, just to hear his voice, and relax for a few minutes and she knew that Steve had done the same with Texas. It was about half past one before Rae's phone rang and, with a sigh, she had answered it. "Detective Yeager… oh, hi, Alison … oh, right, I thought the uniformed guys were doing that … it's not a problem, if she wants us then she'll get us … no, no, I don't think that's a good idea, let me have a word with a colleague of mine, I'll get back to you." Rae turned to Steve, "There's a student downstairs, she was a friend of the two girls …" Rae's voice tailed off for a moment. "I wondered whether we would be able to use Jan's suite."
Jan Burlington was a detective in the domestic violence unit, and she had been a great help to Rae when she was being stalked. They didn't see very much of each other, but liked and admired one another.
It didn't take long to establish that Jan was up to her eyes in paperwork and had no interviews arranged so the room was free, so Rae went down and got the young girl from the reception area and took her along to what was known as the blue room.
Steve was already there, and the girl, who Rae had found out was called Petra, seemed upset when she saw him.
"This is my partner, his name is Steve, we were both there yesterday and, if you don't mind, I think he would like to hear what you have to say as well."
The young woman nodded her head and sat down on the comfy sofa. It was pale blue corduroy and just the right firmness so that any visitors didn't feel either too relaxed or uptight while they spoke. In fact the whole room had been decorated so that it instilled a confidence in its occupants that might otherwise have been very hard to find.
"I … I wanted to come and see you, not the cops who were interviewing everybody else. I saw them … die … yesterday, so did you but you seemed to care." Petra was looking at Rae as she spoke, and Steve wondered what it was about the young people he came into contact with that made them think that cops didn't care.
"Do you know why they did what they did?" Rae was sitting, as the Chief had been, in a chair opposite the girl she was speaking with, and she had taken her hand into her own. Petra couldn't answer, and already her eyes were bright with tears. She nodded her head, and Steve saw her take a firmer grasp of his partner's hand. "Take it slowly, ok? We have no need to rush." Steve was extremely glad that he had a female partner; he knew that he wouldn't be able to do what Rae, or Cheryl before her, was doing, or not as well.
"I tried to stop them, but I didn't really think that they would go through with it. Marla was so terrified of getting found out, and, and she said that if they killed themselves nobody would know what they had done, because the principal wouldn't let on to bereaved parents."
Steve and Rae looked at each other, and waited. They had no idea what Petra was trying to say, or if it was actually true, but knew that if they pushed her she may clam up altogether.
"They were about to be expelled."
"Why?" It was Steve who spoke, hoping that his single word wouldn't frighten her off, but she looked up at him and carried on.
"They had been partying for a while, I guess the school should have stopped them, but it didn't, their grades were really bad, and the school had said that they would get in touch with their parents about it. So Marla and Simone decided to have one last fling before getting to work on their studies…" Petra's voice was quiet, but determined now, and they could tell that she was keeping a tight hold on her emotions.
"And something happened didn't it?" Steve seemed to have taken over the questioning, Rae was quietly murmuring, trying to keep the confidence of their young visitor high enough for her to continue.
"They both got really drunk, and, well, you can get kicked out for that alone, and if you get kicked out you get a zero, and your course fees are lost. It's a good high school but it's private and it costs a lot. They also broke the curfew, but worse than that, Marla was caught with a boy in her room."
"I'm guessing that the school tried to contact their parents straight away the other night?" Rae looked up; her voice was soft and full of concern.
"Yeah, but both of them came from medical backgrounds, no one was there, and so they were gonna wait until they could try to speak with them at home the next day."
"I have never been expelled from school, but I have to say that I don't think it would have made me do what they did. Why take such a final way out?" Steve's voice was also lower and softer than normal.
"Because Marla said that their families would just be so devastated by what they had done, they wouldn't be able to get into college or medical school and that their dads would never forgive them. I didn't think that they would do it, but … oh, God, Marla, she shot Simone, she killed her and then … then she killed herself, I saw you, you tried to help, but she wouldn't listen! Why wouldn't she listen?" The tears that had been threatening to fall from the moment the girl had arrived at the station now began to tumble down her cheeks and as Rae opened her arms Petra fell into them.
"Shhh, there was nothing you could have done, or I could have done. They had decided the way that it was gonna end, and nobody was going to stand in their way." Rae realised as she spoke, that what she was saying was as much for her own benefit as that of the young woman now in her arms. "Petra, do you know whether a lot of students feel under so much pressure that life has become unbearable?"
"No, no, I don't think so, and they never would have done if they had handled their time better. I go out, Friday and Saturday nights, but the rest of the week is for study or hanging out only. I have plenty of time for fun, now is for making my way towards the courses I want to take. I guess they couldn't deal with the freedom they suddenly had, no parents about to keep an eye on them, no nuns to make sure they didn't stray from the straight and narrow, the temptation was just too great." Petra had herself under control again now, but the two detectives could tell that she was still working through what had happened.
"Nuns?" Rae was beginning to see a little bit of light.
"Yeah, they'd been to a Catholic School before this one, together, they had been together since kindergarten. I guess that in the end they did everything together didn't they?"
"Do you get on well with your parents?" Rae spoke quietly, hoping for a positive answer.
"My dad died when I was only two, but yeah, my mom's great."
"Petra, you need to go see a councillor and get in touch with your mom, maybe go home for a couple of days, you need to tell them what you've told us, and they'll help you come to terms with what happened. What we saw was terrible, and you will see it when you shut your eyes, it'll visit you in your dreams, but trust me when I say that it will, in the end, get better, and the memories will become just that, memories that are stored away where they can no longer hurt you." Rae was smiling as she finished speaking because she realised that she believed every word she had said herself, and she was relieved when the young girl smiled in return.
"I will, and … and thank you for letting me talk on, I just knew that you would understand."
Rae let go of the girl, stood up and moved back towards where her partner was standing. Petra smiled and then without another word she opened the door and began to walk back down the hall the way she had come up about an hour before.
Rae and Steve sat down on the sofa and let their thoughts go over what they had seen and what Petra had said.
"How can you ever be so desperate that you would do that? Would Jesse have felt that his life wasn't worth living if he couldn't have been a doctor? Or you or me if we couldn't be cops? I can't understand it, Steve, I'm trying, but I just can't." For a moment Rae was silent, Jesse had tried to kill himself when he had thought that she had died, but for a job, she couldn't see that.
"Rae, I think that you should be relieved that you can't understand. It's a part of your psyche that you've never had to visit, me either, we should be thankful for that."
"Yeah, I guess so. Come on, let's see what we can put into the reports from this to try and close off our part in this whole thing." Rae had got to her feet and taking Steve by the hand she pulled him up too. For a moment pain crossed her face, but she didn't let it stop her.
"Ok? That looked like it hurt." Steve was concerned for her, when she had said earlier that her mind couldn't take one more problem he had known just what she meant. Mentally and physically she had been pushed to the limit.
"Yeah, it did, but nothing like it used to. I'll liv…" Rae stopped what she was going to say, the pain was replaced with horror and she closed her eyes for a second before continuing. "I'm sorry, Steve, for this morning, for a lot of things, I hope you know that."
"I do, but there is no need for you to be. Now, come on, I'll make you a drink, and you can type this up."
"Oh, thank you so much! I should never have owned up to being able to use a computer." The smile that flitted across her lips was one of relief as well as pleasure, and the two friends and partners made sure that the room was as they had found it and then returned to their desks, knowing that in three or four hours they would be finished for two days.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Steve and Rae both had the weekend off, and although Rae had nothing planned except to be a mommy to her little girls, Steve knew that he and Jo had a weekend of work ahead of them.
The suitcase that Jo had found in the attic had finally been opened and had contained letters and photographs of both her paternal grandmamma as well as her parents. Some of them were old and faded, but others had brought memories rushing into her mind as Jo remembered being a small child and spending time with her mamma and papa.
Also in the suitcase was a letter to Jo from her Grandmamma, and it had explained some things and confused others.
My darling child,
I have no idea how long after I have died you are reading this, it may be a couple of weeks or a couple of decades, but I know that one day you will find this and begin another part of your life. If it is a very long time since I passed on then don't feel bad. If I had wanted you to find this easily I would have told Michael all about it.
The east wing of this house was locked upon my death, and, in the bottom of the envelope that contained this letter, you will find the key. Michael knew nothing of this; Gilbert Sholte closed that part of the house and placed the suitcase in the attic.
I know that you won't have broken in, and so I am hoping that not too many years have passed, or you will be standing in dust up to your elbows.
The east wing is now yours. If you are married then it belongs to you and your husband. No children are to live in it, or visit it unless invited by you. These rules have been in place since the house was built, you will continue to abide by them.
I hope that Michael is still with you, if he isn't then you must get him back. He has a legacy that it is important he claims. You will find details of it one day, and when you do you must pass it straight on to him.
Josephine, child, remember your momma and papa, they loved you so much, as I do, or did, I guess. Make sure that their picture is always on the wall, never let their memory go.
I left you this house and others in my will, you know that, but I leave you more, much more than that, I hope you will discover and know what to do with it all.
I love you,
Florence G. Walters
Jo had read and re-read the letter, and was no more aware of what it was now, than when she found it. She had shown it to Michael, but he had no idea what it meant either.
"Madam, your grandmother was a very secretive woman, who liked to create a mystery if she could, I knew very little of what she did or thought. The household has become much more relaxed since you, and then the Lieutenant have been living here."
Jo had smiled and turned away. She thought that at times her house was a stuffy and dull place, but she guessed that Michael didn't agree.
When Steve arrived home Michael told him that Jo was up in the bedroom working on details for the Charity Ball she was running the following weekend.
Steve couldn't remember the last time he'd had two weekends off in a row. But next week was the Josephine Sloan Masked Fundraising Ball, and Jo had been organising it for it seemed like forever, but was really just about a month. She had booked the ballroom just after they had returned from their honeymoon, as well as the caterer, a jazz band and all the staff they would need. Things had then remained dormant until two months ago when the invitations had been sent out and then three weeks ago she had started up again in earnest. The acceptance level was high, apparently Jo was a very successful ball organiser and hostess, and the fact that she had an event on the social calendar again was the talk of the town. Before Jo had met Steve she arranged and attended up to ten balls a year some in LA, and the rest in Texas. In fact although they had never run into each other she'd always gone to the Benefactors Ball, and was there the year that Steve took a flying tackle at a cater waiter who had committed murder to stand a chance of being the chosen caterer. The conversation had been short, but it had been apparent that both of them were stunned.
"That was you? You were the guy who became airborne an' went soarin' through the air just two tables away from where I was sittin'! Well, I'll be a… You aren't plannin' on doin' that at my event now, are you?"
"No, Ma'am, not unless you are planning on hiring a couple of murderers to serve your hors d'oeuvres!"
Rae had been helping Jo with the ball whenever she could, and they had been having great fun. Since Alex had decided that Rae was fit to return to work she hadn't had as much time to spend on it, but they had enjoyed it so much that it had already been arranged that they would do it again next year.
The main fund raiser was going to be an auction, not just of items but promises too, and it was this that Jo and Rae had spent the most time organising. When Steve entered the bedroom Jo was on the phone, and he could tell that it was still the auction that was getting her undivided attention. A booklet explaining how the event would work had been sent out to every person invited to the ball, as well as to all the companies that anyone could think of in the general Los Angeles area. There were some very good items waiting to go under the hammer, as well as a few not so good ones, also some weird ones and there had been some that'd had to be turned down. A chiropractor had donated an hour's traction therapy, and, having heard about the ball on the grapevine, a local madam had called to offer her services, for a night, for free. Jo hoped that she had managed to put her off without offending her too much and had declined Steve's tongue-in-cheek offer to go and make sure she was fine about it!
"Yes, I realise that, Sir, an' we are very grateful for your offer. I'm just not sure how to describe it… Oh, ok, if that's how it was done the last time you did anythin' like this then I'll go with that… Yes, Sir, I will definitely see you there… An' thank you we really appreciate your donation… Goodbye now." Jo put the phone down with a little sigh and then caught sight of Steve in the dressing table mirror. "Hey, you, did you have a better day?"
"Yeah, sort of. Let me tell you about it later. I'm gonna take a shower, and then you can show me what you have gotten on your list today."
"Well, that was Donald McDouglas, he's head of one of the stunt agencies in Hollywood. He has donated a week's trainin' to be a stunt man or woman, an' if they are good at it they have the chance to get into a TV show an' be hurled about! I needed to get back to him because I have no idea what section to put it in."
The auction booklet, which wouldn't go to the printers until two days before the event, had been split into sections, showing all the various items on offer.
"And what part did he suggest?"
"Relaxation!" Jo laughed. "I know how I like to spend my down time, an' trust me, Honey, that ain't it!"
"Well, I guess that we could carry on with that this weekend, and leave the east wing until another time." Steve was trying his hardest, but he knew it wasn't working.
"Oh, no, you don't. We are movin' in to that wing this weekend, David an' Little Miss Prissy Knickers are comin' on Tuesday an' I want to be in a completely different part of the house from them." Jo's eyes had grown hard as she mentioned David's girlfriend, Debbie.
Steve just looked at her and then went into the bathroom. Even the mention of Debbie's name was enough to change his wife's mood, and there was no way he wanted to spend his weekend off with her charging around the place with a black cloud hanging over her head.
Jo went back to her list, making a note here and there, sending e-mails out to those she needed to get in contact with, and occasionally crossing a name out all together. She had just got to Barbeque Bob's 'Free Food on Friday' offer when there was a knock at the door. "Come in."
Daniel's head appeared round the doorframe. "Did I hear Steve come in?"
"You did, but he's in the shower right now. Can I help you with somethin'; do you have a problem with your homework?" Jo had stood up and moved across to the door. Things were getting better, but they were still finding their way, the fourteen-year-old and his foster parents, and she wanted to show she was there to help.
"No, no, I … I just wanted to see how his day went. I'll see him at dinner." With that Daniel was gone, and Jo, a look of shock combined with delight on her face, went into the shower room to tell her husband what had just happened.