the past.
This can't be it. It's impossible.
I can't believe I'm laying here with Edward, staring at the ceiling, feeling awkward as hell. How the fuck is it even possible for us to be awkward? It's us, the two musketeers, Lee and Carter, Mulder and Scully…
I sigh, turn my attention from the ivory paint on my bedroom ceiling to the olive complexion of the guy next to me. He's naked, my cobalt blue sheets draped around his trim waist, one hand behind his head, the other tracing invisible patterns on my side.
When Edward looks at me his eyes have the color of Nordic forests, deep and vibrant greens mixing into that perfect shade of green, cluttered with little flecks of gold. But right now the vibe is off, the spark that's usually there is dull, faint. To be honest, it's barely there.
And I don't know how I feel about that.
Especially since I thought after today that spark would morph into fireworks. Into a light show that rivals the one at the Eiffel Tower.
He looks like he's feeling as awkward as I feel.
I need to address this elephant in the room. Because I refuse to become that couple, the ones who stay silent and act like nothing's wrong. We were never that couple. Not as friends, not as more. Not today. Not ever. At least, not on my watch.
"You told me it was fine. Who calls sex fine?"
"I don't know, Bella… I—," he sighs and sits up, face in his hands. He's on edge.
"What is it?" Truth be told, I didn't know what I was expecting. But I was thinking his explanation would be…more than this. I don't know.
"I think there's something seriously wrong with me," he tells me next, rubbing his forehead.
We're still in bed but all the built-up tension is still there for some reason. Even though we just had sex. For the first time. Ever. I even came… but why isn't there any kind of satisfaction?
"Why?" I frown, biting the inside of my cheek.
I don't want to tell him about the porn I watch, or about the books I read, and my research. It's too scary. I don't want to lose him over something as silly as sex. I don't want to lose our connection. There are more important things, right?
"Look, I…" he starts, avoiding my gaze.
I put my hand on his arm before he has a chance to get away from me.
"What's wrong?" I ask, resting my chin on Edward's shoulder.
"I just…I like other things."
"Like what?"
I'm starting to hope we're on the same page. How could we not be? After all, we've been overly attached to each other all our lives. We've been dancing around the spark between us two for years, until three months ago. Edward is basically me, packed into a handsome, male package with the same devil may care attitude, the same dark humor, the same everything.
I reach for my phone on the nightstand and scroll through my browser history. I can't believe I'm about to risk everything. But then again, Edward loves me. And I love him. We're supposed to talk about this.
"Like this?" I hold out my phone with shaky fingers.
Edward's eyes widen as he takes in the aggressive CNC scene I pulled up from the internet. The girl is bound to a chair, the guy holding her by the throat as he fucks her without any type of gentleness. He fucks her like his life depends on it. And my pussy flutters as I imagine what that must feel like.
"Fuck," Edward breathes.
There's a fire in his eyes I've never seen before. Not once. I want to chase it and burn myself on it.
When he looks at me, screen mirrored into his eyes, it's there, the spark. No, not spark. It's as if there's an explosion, as if I've cracked the code. My breathing catches in my throat.
"You really like that?" he asks.
I nod, stomach in knots, my heart beating fast.
Edward's head falls back against the headboard of my bed.
"I—," he starts.
"Yes?" I keep a brave facade but on the inside I'm crumbling, impatient.
And then he laughs, deep and throaty, one wicked grin on his face.
"I watched one of her videos before I came over… " he admits. "Emmett said I'd last longer if I rubbed one out first."
I can't help but snicker, imagining Edward asking his big brother for sex advice.
"You asked Emmett for advice?" I wonder.
"He's had sex with eighty percent of his class' female population. I didn't ask," he shakes his head, strands of soft auburn falling over his eyes. "It's like he senses it right away when something sexual is about to happen."
"He found your condoms, didn't he?" I chuckle.
"Nah," Edward licks his lips, staring at me, his thumb tracing my lower lip. "He bought them for me."
I slap him across the chest.
"You're hard," I remark, the sheet barely concealing anything. "You are into this," I smirk.
"Well, I just told you I did."
"You also told me that the sex, our first time, was fine." I arch a brow.
"I'm sorry, baby…" he sighs.
"You should make it up to me," I purr, throwing my arms around his neck as I hoist myself into his lap. I'm a little sore but I don't care. I need to feel the real thing.
I let out a huff when he shifts us, my face pressed into the mattress, an arm keeping me there.
"So you wanna be fucked, heh?" I almost moan at the tone of his voice, as the way the energy changes into the room.
Edward grabs a fistful of hair, lifting my head, my neck straining. I feel a tingle all the way down to my toes.
"Please," I sigh. I barely recognize my own voice. It's breathy and raspy and sexy.
"Well, I—"
Edward gasps, letting me go as soon as the front door slams shut downstairs.
"Fuck," he whispers, scrambling off the bed in search of his boxers and jeans.
"Bella, honey?"
"God, why is she home so early?" I mutter as I tug my sundress over my head.
"Bella?" I hear Mom closer now, but I know she's probably taking off her shoes and throwing her jean jacket over the banister downstairs.
"Yeah, in my room! I'll be down in a minute!"
Edward chuckles, shaking his head before he throws on his hoodie, forgoing the T-shirt that's crumpled in my bed.
"Your Mom better be out all fucking weekend," he says.
"Why is that?" I ask sweetly, putting my hair into a ponytail.
He slaps my ass, groaning when he finds me pantyless.
"Because I want to fuck you raw."
Warm lips touch mine, and we kiss until my head hits the wall, making me chuckle into Edward's mouth.
"Is that a promise?"
"It is if you're a good little girl for me."
As he winks and walks out the door of my bedroom, I can't help but stare.
My mom better be out all weekend, indeed.