Recovery?
One Month Later
Rae sat on a chair in the hallway outside Jesse's room, Anneya in her stroller beside her. The little girl was twelve months old now and she was already walking and investigating things. She liked looking at books, and the mobile that hung above her crib the most. She still didn't make very many sounds, but was always interested in anything happening in front of her. Everything that wasn't nailed down had been moved up where not only could she not reach it, but Rae couldn't either, and she didn't want to think too closely about the afternoon she had caught her eldest child sat on the kitchen floor with ground salt and pepper all around her, the smaller mill, which lived on the back of one of the kitchen counters, still in her hands and Anneya sitting just in front of her sister watching her every move!
There was just the two of them waiting together; Eliana had gone with Sally to the park at the end of Rae's road. She always wanted to climb all over her, and so Rae had decided to split her girls up.
Now though, Anneya was fast asleep, and, it seemed, for the first time in a fortnight, Rae had time to think. Jesse and Martin were still in the hospital, but Texas had been home for a week. Rae closed her eyes for a moment, and let her mind drift back to the third day she had been in the hospital herself. She was waiting, impatiently, for the results of her MRI scan, and was anxious to see not only her husband but her children.
As Rae sat there she could hear Alex's words in her mind.
"Hey, Rae, do you want to go see Jesse through the window in a little while?" Alex had been smiling broadly, and even though Rae had felt pretty ill at the time she had found it so contagious that she was soon joining him.
"Well, yeah, but I didn't think I could, not yet." Rae found her heart had suddenly begun to beat wildly. "Did you get my results?"
Alex had just nodded, and then he had sat in the chair next to her and taken her hand in his own. "You didn't damage your brachial plexus this time."
Rae had leant back into the pillows, overcome momentarily by what she had just heard. "You mean the pain will just go away and I'll be like I was before?" She recognised the hope in her words, and knew that Alex would too.
"Well, sort of. You still have a lot of pain and swelling but," Alex had waited, and she could tell he knew she was desperate to butt in. Rae had smiled and indicated with a white-bandaged hand for him to continue. "But, there are other things we haven't tried; including pain management, manipulation, massage. But the MRI was very encouraging."
"So, can I go home now?"
"No, but by the end of the week, another three days probably, ok? You still have a temperature and I want you to finish the anti-biotics before you leave." The infection Rae had got had been unexpected and debilitating. She had suddenly begun to feel weak and feverish while having her MRI and she had to admit that she had been glad to be in the hospital.
"Yeah, that's fine, and I can sit with Jesse until then?"
"Not yet, you need to get the infection under control, Rae, you know we can't risk Jesse, he's so weak already, but like I said, through the glass."
"I know, and I will wait, I promise."
Rae came back to the present as she thought about her husband. He had been having his grafts checked while Alex had been visiting with her, and she had realised later that the young doctor had waited until he knew she would be worrying more than normal about him before coming and giving her something of her own to think about. There was no doubt about it he was going to be a very good doctor, for a long time.
Rae was still concerned about herself, her neck and shoulders were painful, and she seemed to have an almost constant headache. She had seen Alex that morning about it, and he was going to arrange for her to come back into the hospital the following day, while Michael looked after the girls. So far she had tried massage and manipulation, and whilst the former had been wonderful and made her feel a million dollars, it hadn't diminished the pain. The manipulation hadn't hurt, although she had been certain that it would, but it hadn't worked completely either, and so now she was going to have it done again, hoping that it would make all the difference.
Rae had been back into the precinct a couple of times since she had gotten out of the hospital, and as much as she was enjoying the company of her daughters, her mind was screaming at her to be back at work. With a sigh Rae looked down at her little girl. She looked like an angel, with her thumb in her mouth, her hair, getting lighter by the day, framing her face. Already she was a very complicated child, moody, stubborn and she definitely wanted to be the boss over Eliana. She had been a quiet but contented little soul until she had started to walk at eleven months and then she had changed. She was still quiet, but suddenly, she could get to her sister, touch what she had, do what she did, and she had become, well, the boss, Rae couldn't think of any other description. She was also a daddy's girl, and whereas Ana was likely to get hysterically excited every time she saw either her mommy or her Uncle Steve, Anneya saved it all for Jesse. Rae smiled; she knew that having her daddy home was going to delight her daughter, as much as she showed her delight that was, it was almost as if she already wanted to be mysterious, keep her innermost feelings to herself.
Jesse was no longer in the ICU, and Rae knew that it was in part thanks to Alex again that this was the case. The toxic strep that Jesse had picked up while he was held by Werner had invaded his whole body, and it had been touch and go for a long time as to whether he would actually pull through. Alex had been determined though that there was no way he was going to let his friend and colleague die, and he had tried every available treatment to save him. But it had been when he had finally been able to use the latest drugs on the market that they had begun to see a response from Jesse.
Jesse's mom had been impressed and amazed when she had found that her son was being treated with intravenous immunoglobulin, or as she had called it IVIG. She had explained to Rae and Dane that although it had produced startling results it wasn't something that was in widespread use. It had seemed to work because as soon as it began to get into Jesse's system he had begun to improve.
It hadn't prevented one of the more disgusting symptoms of the disease from occurring though, and Jesse had lost the outer skin layers from his hands and his feet. The skin, especially on the hand of his injured arm had been black and Rae had been relieved to see the new, pink skin a couple of days later, without any scaring of any kind. The best memory though had been when Jesse had regained consciousness. It had been late at night, fourteen days after the explosion that, finally, she had got her husband back. Because of the success of the IVIG Alex had reduced his sedation as his condition improved. Rae had been sitting, because of the meds she was on, not in any pain, alone in the room. Jesse's mom and dad had sat with him all day, and they had both gone off to get some well deserved sleep, and Rae had been miles away, remembering happier times when she had become aware of movement beside her.
"Jesse?" She had been relieved that her voice had come out strong and unwavering. "Jesse, Honey, can you hear me?"
He had let out a soft low moan, and Rae had run a finger down his cheek, hoping that he would feel it and turn to her. She still had bandages on both hands, but they weren't as bulky and intrusive as they had been and were due to be removed in the next day or so.
"Rae… Rae'll come… urgh… hurts… Rae." As he spoke, in a voice so weak that Rae had to struggle to hear him, he had moved slightly in the bed, and the pain that had crossed his pale features had torn at her.
"Shhh, Baby, it's ok, Mark will help you." Rae had pressed the buzzer, knowing that Alex was off duty, but Jesse's friend and mentor would be the one to come. She had been right, and just a couple of minutes later he had entered the room, looked quizzically at Rae and moved to the head of the bed, opposite where Rae had been sitting.
"He called out for me, Mark, and he said it hurt."
"Ok. Jesse, can you hear me?"
Jesse had begun breathing on his own just a few days before, and there was a mobile ventilator right by the bed. Mark picked up the mask and laid it close to hand, in case the pain he was in caused panic. Rae had smiled in gratitude as Mark had explained everything to her as he did it.
Slowly the two friends watched as Jesse had struggled his way to the surface, saw him fight through the pain barrier, knowing that they would be able to help him once he opened his eyes.
"Rae?" His voice was weak still, but a little stronger than before, although he said just one word.
"I'm here."
"I knew… I knew you would be." He had coughed then, and carefully, speaking all the while to keep him calm, Rae had put just a couple of ice slivers on his tongue. Still Jesse hadn't opened his eyes, and Rae was almost afraid to wonder why. As she sat there waiting, Rae thought back to the times that she had been in the hospital, and she began to figure out why he lay so still and quiet.
"Jesse, you're safe now. Mark is here, you're in Community General, it's over, Honey, it's all over." This time there was no hiding the tears in her voice, and she swallowed them down furiously. There would be plenty of opportunity to cry later, but right now Jesse needed her to be strong.
He still looked so pale, so empty as he lay there, and she needed him to open his eyes, needed them to put the life back into him, but still nothing happened.
"Jess? Did you hear me, Honey? It's over. You're safe, Texas is safe too."
This time there was a response, Jesse's hands tightened into fists, but the movement caused pain and he cried out.
"Jesse, relax, let your hands relax." Mark began to speak, he too was concerned that Jesse didn't seem to want to open his eyes, and so he spoke a little more sternly than he had planned, but at the sound of his voice, to the relief of both of them Jesse had done just that.
"Mark?" His eyelids had just fluttered to start with, and then slowly he had begun to focus. His blue eyes though had instantly brought her Jesse back. His face found the life it had lacked, and Rae swallowed at the lump in her throat, knowing that whatever else they had to face, she had her husband back.
The next two weeks hadn't been easy for Jesse, once he had regained enough strength to stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time, he had begun to remember. The medication meant that he slept peacefully at nights, and he was healing, or at least his wounds were, but Rae knew that once he came home, hopefully later that day, life would be very difficult for all of them.
Jesse was as weak as a kitten because of the infection that had ravaged his body, and his mind was so full of demons that Rae was frightened he would never rid himself of all of them. Alex came out of the room and Rae's heart sank, she knew from his face that her husband wouldn't be coming home with her today.
"Alex?"
"Rae, I want to keep him in just another night. He's so frail, I don't know that you would be able to cope with him, I'm gonna arrange for a nurse to be assigned to his care, but I won't be able to get it done for today, it'll be tomorrow at the earliest."
"Alex, please, let us have tonight together at home before the nurse comes. I have to come back tomorrow; she can get him settled into her ways while I'm here. My hands are ok, and I promise I won't lift him or anything like that. We can get a paramedic to put him right to bed, and if I need anything I'll get Steve or Michael to come over, please, we just need some time together."
Alex looked at her and softened his tone. "Rae, I'm worried about him, I'm worried about you too, I don't want either of you doing things you aren't ready for. Maybe it would be better if he went to rehab instead of home."
"No, Alex, don't do this to me, to him. We just need each other, it's all we've ever needed, please, please, let me try to reach him. He loves his house, I'm sure he will feel better when he knows he's home."
"Ok, Rae, but I will only do it under one set of circumstances." Alex paused, but Rae was waiting for him to speak, she had nothing more to say until she knew his terms. "I finish in an hour, I will come home with him in an ambulance, get him settled, but if I change my mind about it he comes straight back, ok?"
Rae nodded her head, wished she hadn't, and just grinned. "Yeah, thanks, Alex. I'll get a cab to take Anneya home and see you there. Can I just speak with Jesse first?"
"Of course, but not for long, ok? He needs to be prepared for transport… what?"
"You make him sound like an astronaut or, or a beached whale!" Rae smiled then and pushed the stroller into the room where her husband lay.
Alex turned round in the hallway and headed up to the intermediate care unit. He needed to check on Martin, and he knew that as it was just after three in the afternoon Cheryl would be there, wanting up to date information on her boyfriend's condition.
In the past month since the accident Martin had improved considerably. He was no longer in a coma, and was able to make limited conversation with those around him. He would never be the man he had been, however, and once he left the intermediate care unit he would go to the rehab centre attached to the hospital. After he had stayed there for a while Alex hoped he would be able to go home although he knew that Martin would need someone to care for him maybe forever, but Alex was hopeful that eventually he would be able to maybe even work in a sheltered supervised environment.
Alex tapped on the door and waited for Martin to ask him in. He had found that it pleased the young man to be able to do so, and since that discovery he had never entered unless invited.
"Come … in." The words were slow and broken up and some of them were unintelligible, but Alex never minded waiting until he had finished speaking and working out what Martin was saying was getting gradually easier.
"Hi, Martin, how are you?"
Martin smiled his now lopsided smile and gave Alex a thumbs up. His right hand and side was weaker than the left and Martin had to be encouraged to use them.
"Just one thumb?" Alex grinned back at him, knowing that Martin would have hoped to get away with his greeting. Slowly he lifted his right arm and concentrated hard on his hand. Finally it did what he wanted it to do, and he showed his doctor both thumbs.
Cheryl had sat quietly in the chair by Martin's bed, as she always did when he was welcoming his doctor. She had been scared so many times during the last month, but each time Alex had taken her aside, explained everything to her, and she had been able to return to care for her love.
"Hey, Cheryl, how are you?"
"I'm ok, although I almost didn't make it. I got a wonderful new case today, a middle aged lady, no ID, nothing to show who she was, found dead in an elevator in one of the banks downtown. Fifteen floors of people to canvass to try to find out who she was, and I already have a real bad feeling that no one is gonna have a clue."
"S' … tuff." Martin spoke softly, and smiled at her. At first, Cheryl hadn't mentioned work at all. She had returned to her duties three weeks after the accident that had robbed Martin of almost everything that made him the man she loved, and she had found that she had needed it so much, and had felt guilty because she knew that Martin would never be able to do that, never be able to run away from what he had become.
Alex had found her one afternoon the previous week, sitting in an empty ICU room sobbing into the mattress of the bed.
"Cheryl?" His voice had surprised her, and she had looked up, her face red and swollen from the tears she had shed. "Cheryl, what's the matter?" Alex had pulled a chair up to where she was sitting and to her surprise she had found that she needed him there. When he extended an arm towards her she had leant into him and cried on his shoulder for longer than she had thought it possible to have tears.
Gradually though, she had stopped, and looked up once again. "I am so sorry. I guess … I guess it finally got to me, huh?"
"I guess it did. Want to tell me why?"
She had told Alex all about her day, what she had done, the cases she had worked on, and he had sat and listened to her as if she was the most important person in the world to him, as if he had no other patients than her, and then he had smiled and placed a hand over hers.
"Why are you telling me and not Martin? Is it because you don't want to remind him of what he has lost, are you afraid of making things worse for him?"
She had nodded her head, realising that Alex had probably been there before.
"Did you ask him how he feels? He can understand you, all the cognitive testing we have done with him since he came round show that although he can't communicate very well, he is able to understand what we are saying to him."
"I don't want to look like I'm rubbing his nose in the fact that he can't be a cop anymore."
"But what if he thinks you aren't saying anything because you don't think he is capable of contributing to your world."
"No! Alex, no, I don't feel that at all. I … I want to share it with him more than anybody else. We … we used to talk over our cases all the time, especially when he had to move from homicide, I got his advice, he got mine, I looked forward to that part of our day … and now it's gone."
"No, Cheryl, it hasn't gone, it's just changed. Ask him if he wants to hear about your day, trust me if he doesn't you will know. He has grown quite bossy lately!"
She had smiled then, it was true. Because he couldn't converse too well Martin tended to make his requests short and to the point. If he didn't want to listen to you he put his left hand over his ear. Yeah, she would know just how he felt.
Now Cheryl looked at Martin and saw his eyes flash, looking alive and full of interest, as they had the first time she had asked if he wanted to hear about her day, and she looked forward, just as she always had, to telling him what had happened, and getting his valued opinion once again.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Steve wandered out of the morning room and into the hallway. It was four o'clock and Daniel would be back from school any minute. The routine would be the same as every day since he had changed schools. He would come in, drop his backpack on the seat at the end of the stairs, walk into the kitchen, grab a can of soda from the refrigerator, come back into the hall, straight into the living room where Jo was lying on the sofa and tell her about his day. If Steve was lucky he might get a grunt of acknowledgement, or a wave, but until Daniel had made sure that Jo was all right nobody else mattered. The fact that he was already back on duty, worked shifts, and sometimes didn't see his son for two or three days in a row bothered the boy far less that the fact that he had left Jo for six or seven hours. Steve smiled; he guessed that was the way it should be. He had always taken for granted that his dad would come home when the hospital didn't need him anymore, but if his mom hadn't been there it had been a major disaster.
Steve heard the key in the door, and leant back against the balustrade of the stairs. He watched as his son did exactly as he always did, and then with a laugh he too entered the living room.
Jo was lying down, her long hair over her left shoulder. Although well on the way to recovery, she tired easily still, and by the time it got to three in the afternoon she was ready for a nap. The hour she slept was just enough, and when Daniel came in and woke her she was happy to continue with her day.
Carefully Jo sat up and put her arm along the back of the sofa and, as he always did, Daniel sat next to her.
"So, how was your day?"
The question was always the same, and since he had changed schools, the answer had normally been 'fine, how was yours?' But it had been a situation hard won, and Steve still remembered the day that he took Daniel back to school after his mom had been injured.
"Daniel! You are gonna be so late you'll miss lunch, get a move on!" Steve had called his son for the third time from the bottom of the stairs. It had been a week since his mom had been hurt, and Steve had decided that Daniel needed to be back at school.
"So, maybe I should stay home." Daniel's tone was sullen as he came down the stairs, but Steve had just laughed.
"Oh, no, you don't. You are going to school, you are going to do everything you are told, and make your mother proud, ok?"
"And that is blackmail! You're a cop you should know that." Daniel had tried to look angry but Steve had seen right through it. They had talked the night before, and he knew that the knowledge that Jo was going to be fine had been a relief to both of them. The fact that he could go back to school was the first step back to normality.
The car ride had been silent apart from the radio, and they had been glad to hear nothing about anyone they knew on the news. At last they were not the centre of discussion for the local station. The school parking lot was almost full, but Steve had found a place to park his truck over in the far corner. Daniel had walked into the school yard while Steve was locking up and then he had stopped. There, in front of him, was his nemesis, the boy who seemed intent on making his life a misery, Roberto.
Steve had been only a few steps behind him, but he had been out of sight, and so Roberto, thinking Daniel was alone, had started in on him.
"Hey, Upton, saw your old lady in the paper, man. How many mom's you lost now?"
For a second Steve had thought that Daniel would ignore him, would just walk by.
"Is this a part of her, do you recognise it?" The boy had held up a finger, the type that kids used at Halloween, and then thrown it at him. Daniel had roared and then launched into the boy, his fists and feet punching and kicking.
As luck would have it Mr. Naegler, the principal was walking by just at that moment, and came running over. "Daniel, move away!" He'd had, amazingly, a whistle around his neck, and he began blowing on it, as if expecting the entire Los Angeles Police Department to fall from the sky.
Steve had managed to grab hold of Daniel's backpack and pull back on it. "Daniel! Daniel, leave it!" For a minute he had thought that his words would have no effect, but then the boy had lowered his arms and turned towards his dad. As he did so Roberto sent a punch into the side of his head, sending him sprawling to the ground, which he had hit, hard, losing consciousness for a minute or two.
Steve had cradled him in his arms, not believing what had just happened. For a second Roberto had stood and looked at Daniel, and then he had backed away and run.
Mr. Naegler had turned into a stuttering, shuffling shambles of a human being, he wanted to take Daniel into the school, even though Steve knew that he shouldn't be moved. He kept apologising profusely, saying how he knew that the other boy had been no good, and how pleased he was that Daniel was back in school. He had crouched down then and tried to grasp the boy himself, and in the end Steve had shouted at him to go call 911, and finally he was able to just hold his son and say a silent prayer for him.
Steve brought himself back to the present and watched his wife and son as they talked quietly together. Daniel had been kept in the hospital overnight just to make sure everything was ok, but he had never returned to the school. Roberto had been picked up by the police breaking into a car three blocks from his home, and the last Steve had heard he was facing a stay in juvenile hall himself.
The phone rang in the hallway, and they all heard Michael's footsteps as he moved from his kitchen to answer it.
"Sloan residence… Yes, Madam, I will just get him for you." Once again the footsteps sounded, and Michael arrived in the doorway. "Master Daniel, Miss Maddie is on the phone for you."
With a blush Daniel leapt to his feet and rushed to the door, then without a backward glance he was gone, anxious to speak with the young woman who made his heart beat faster, and made him want to box on a regular basis.
"Young love, sometimes I wish I was fourteen again, but then I remember that I was taught at home, an' my tutor was old, stuffy, an' smelt of peppermint." Jo smiled and patted the top of the sofa. "Come sit with me, I need to talk to you."
"Sure, Honey, what is it?" Steve looked at her anxiously. She seemed so relaxed, so happy, and he was worried. Maybe now was the time to ask her about it. Daniel would be on the phone for hours if they let him, so he wouldn't interrupt. Steve didn't want to open old wounds, or upset and distress her, but ever since she had woken up in the hospital she had just gradually returned to her old self. There had been no nightmares, no discussions with a councillor, just, it seemed, an acceptance of what had happened, and a desire to move on.
"I have to go back into the hospital, for my finger." Jo moved her hand round in front of her husband. "I am gonna be measured for the prothstetic in a coupla days, an' then I will have it fitted next week."
"How do you feel about that?" Steve was a little more certain that he should mention things now.
"A little scared. I … I've almost got used to it not bein' there, y'know. An' I don't ever want to forget, to let what happened slip away as if it was nothin'."
"Why ever not? Jo, Honey, why would you want to remember? God, I just want to put it out of my mind and never have to visit with it again." Steve was astonished at what his wife was saying. "He … he mutilated you, he stabbed you, ripped your hair out, and you had to have skin grafts, he almost killed Jesse, and you don't want to forget." Words ran out for Steve, and he just sat, slowly shaking his head.
"Look at me, Steve. What do you see?" Jo gently turned her husband's head so that he was facing her. She looked into his blue eyes, and hoped that the intensity of what she was feeling would somehow be transferred to him.
For a moment Steve didn't know how to answer her. Then he swallowed down his emotions and answered as honestly as he could. "I see the woman I love. The woman I thought I was gonna find dead in the rubble of that garage … Oh, God, Jo, I thought I'd lost you, that I'd never again be able to hold you, feel your hair, smell your wonderful smell … make love to you… How can you want to remember?" Tears came up in his eyes as the memories threatened to drown him. Jo smiled gently at him and took him in her arms, and felt his tears on her shoulder as he leant into her.
"Shhh, Baby, I know, I know. I felt that way too, while I was there, I thought I was gonna die, that everythin' we had planned for our future would be as nothin'. Shhh." She gently rocked him in her arms, and felt him relax against her. Gradually Steve changed his position so that they were cuddled up together, and for a little while neither of them felt the need to do or say anything, but then once more Jo guided her husband's face so that he was looking at her.
"I hope, that when you look at me, you see the woman you love, I would be mighty disappointed if you didn't, but there is more than that. I am still whole, oh, I know I am a digit missin' but I am whole. He didn't break me. I never let him beat me, an' that is why I want to remember. That is why I have to remember."
Light began to dawn for Steve, and finally he understood why she had been able to get her life back together so well. In the past whenever the situation had gotten away from her she had coped, dealt with whatever was thrown at her, but when it had been over she had gone to pieces. This time when it was over, when she had recovered from the injuries she had received, there had been no retreating into her shell, no period of time when nobody had been able to reach her. She had become a survivor and, as he looked into her beautiful dark brown eyes, he realised that she had helped him to be the same thing.