Home Again, Home Again
Jesse had ridden home in the ambulance with Alex, and found that he couldn't make eye contact with his friend. He knew that his every move was being watched, and he also knew that Rae desperately wanted him home, almost as much as he wanted to be there himself. So why was he scared?
"Jess? Are you ok? You seem awfully quiet." Alex looked at him with concern and waited for him to reply. Jesse had been very reserved since he had come round in the hospital, but somehow this was more than that.
"Alex, how did you feel when you went home from the hospital, after Louise Willis attacked you?"
It hadn't been the reply he had been expecting, but it gave Alex an insight into what the problem was. He had been stabbed in the chest by the woman Jesse had mentioned, and the knife had nicked his heart. The woman had then kidnapped his godchild, Eliana, but he had known about none of it as his life hung in the balance. For a moment Alex let his mind drift back to that awful time and he realised that he could remember every feeling as if it had happened yesterday.
"How did I feel? I was euphoric, I was going home, which meant I had survived, but I was scared, so scared. In the hospital everything was right there in case I had a relapse, and I know I'm a doctor, and should have recognized that I was ready to go home, but that equipment, suddenly it all seemed to be way important, and then it was gone, I was home at my mom's and I was scared." Alex stopped speaking; he didn't really have anything else to say.
"I guess it's normal then to be as scared as I am right now?" Jesse ran his left hand through his hair, grimacing as it caught on the now healed patch where he'd had his hair ripped out. There was new hair there too, short and soft and stubbly, and much to his relief it was the same colour as the rest. For a while he had worried that it might grow back white because of the damage to the roots.
"Jesse, I can take you back to Community General right now you know. I warned Rae that it might happen."
"No, no, I'll be fine. I … I need to be with her, to talk to her, you can't do that at the hospital, not really." Jess closed his eyes for a moment, part of him did want those things, but another part just wanted to hide away, say nothing, do nothing.
"You know that she has to come in to see me tomorrow, don't you?" Alex wondered briefly if she had told Jesse that she would be leaving him again so soon.
"Yeah, does she know that it might not make much difference?" Jesse had listened as Rae had told him all about the tests she'd had done, the medications she'd taken, and how they hadn't worked as well as she'd hoped.
"I told her, but I don't think that she will even contemplate that until she has it done. She is being stubborn about this."
Jesse had understood completely, Rae could be incredibly stubborn if she put her mind to it, come to think of it, she could be that way even without trying!
The ambulance had drawn up outside the Travis home at that moment, and the conversation ended. Alex could see Rae waiting by the door, trying not to look anxious and worried, and failing miserably.
Alex had helped Jesse settle in the bed that Rae and Michael had set up in the breakfast room. The sun was still shining through the windows, casting shadows on the bedcovers, and Jesse had made sure that he was on the side that would catch the rays for the longest time. Because both Eliana and Anneya would be able to see the medication that Jesse might need Rae had made sure that there was a locking nightstand close at hand. Once she had listened to all Alex's instructions on how to care for her husband she had kissed her young physician and bade him goodnight. Then she had gone into the nursery and got Eliana, so that their eldest daughter could go visit with her daddy.
"Hi, Daddy." Eliana had smiled at Jesse as she clambered up on the bed. Their daughter was almost three years old now, and her speech was clear and practiced regularly. "Yana story peese." Rae had told her little girl not to touch her daddy's legs, and she sat up on the pillows.
"Honey, Daddy just got home, he needs to rest, maybe he'll tell you a story tomorrow."
The little girl's chin began to quiver, and her big brown eyes filled with tears. "No, it's all right. I've missed being a dad. Let me just read her a short story and then I'll call you." Jesse looked at Rae, and she saw the desire in his eyes, the desire to be a normal guy again.
"Ok, Honey, I'll be in the playroom with Anneya, who won't go quietly, so you will need to see her too before she goes to bed."
"I wouldn't have it any other way." Jesse smiled, and Rae knew that he was speaking the truth.
By the time Eliana had been read to, and Anneya had gotten herself so over-excited that it took Rae more than an hour to get her calmed down enough to go to sleep, Jesse was exhausted.
Rae had come back into the room and stopped just inside the doorway. She ran her hand over the back of her neck, wincing as she did so. Her husband was lying, his hair fanned out on the pillow with his eyes closed and for a moment she could do nothing but stare. She liked it when he had his hair just a little longer than he himself preferred, and it was that way now. He looked so different to the way he had when she had seen him for the first time in the hospital after the explosion. Even though his eyes were shut, and he was unaware of her presence, there was life in him, the spark was there, and although Rae knew that he had a very long way to go she rejoiced in the fact that he was back with her again.
"Are you gonna stand there all night, or do I get a hug?" Jesse's voice suddenly broke into her thoughts and she smiled at him. His eyes were open now, and she was captivated by their bluey grey gaze, just as she always was.
"If you're sure I won't hurt you."
"No, I don't hurt, not anywhere, well, my head's still a little sore, and my arm's tender, but … but, I need you, Rae, as long as it doesn't hurt you."
She moved across towards the bed, and made herself comfortable by her husband's side, the feeling of his arm around her shoulder more welcome than she could ever have imagined.
"I have missed your touch so much, Rae. I was … I was just so scared, but I knew that you would come, that you would find me."
Rae was touched by the simple faith that he had in her, and she remembered the way he had said 'You're here' when she had found him. "I would never have stopped looking; you know that, don't you?"
"Yeah, you and Steve, I knew that. I love you, Rae." Jesse moved slightly, although he hadn't mentioned it, his legs were still sore and not helping him at all. Then his lips found Rae's and he kissed her, not quickly or gently, but slowly and with a passion that she hadn't thought him capable of right now, and her fingers began to run through his hair, and for a while time ceased to exist, as they just enjoyed the feel of each other.
Finally, Rae pulled away from the kiss and smiled at him. "Wow, you should come with a health warning!"
"I want you so much, Rae, but I am just so tired. Why am I so tired?"
Rae looked into his eyes again, and this time she saw the exhaustion that was just under the surface the whole time. "You're asking me? Honey, you had a serious infection that drained you of every ounce of energy you had. It's gonna take a long while for you to get that back, and I have to tell you that what you have on your mind is going to be a long time coming, if you see what I mean." Rae blushed as she realised what she had just said.
"Yeah, I guess so, I think I'll take a little nap now then … but you'll stay with me won't you?" His voice suddenly sounded worried, and Jesse realised that he didn't want to be alone.
"Of course, unless the girls need me I will be here all night."
Her answer seemed to satisfy him, and with a smile and a sigh Jesse removed his arm from around her and made himself as comfortable as he could, then he closed his eyes, and with the smile still playing on his lips he drifted off to sleep.
The nurse arrived the following morning just after nine, and was soon busily organising her new charge. The lady's name was Riana Fox, and Rae was glad that Jesse had been so obviously still attracted to her the previous night, otherwise she knew that jealousy would be her unwanted companion while the young woman was under her roof.
She was about twenty-six years old, had hair the colour of corn which was pulled back into a thick but beautifully done braid, and she filled her uniform in all the places she was supposed to.
"Doctor Travis, I'm so glad to meet you." She had purred as she was introduced to him for the first time, and Rae watched as her usually confident, charming and witty husband was turned into a stammering schoolboy.
"Oh, hi, I … I, uh, I'm pleased to meet you, too."
Rae had left just under a half hour later, knowing that Texas had planned to come visit with Jesse at eleven, and hopefully she should be on her way home herself not long after that.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Steve had arrived at the precinct just before ten for a shift that didn't start until eleven, and wouldn't finish until about that time in the evening. It was the first time he had been away from Jo that late into the night since her return from the hospital and he wasn't looking forward to it. He knew she would be fine, she had Michael and Daniel to care for her, but he wanted to be the one she called on, and he knew he wouldn't be.
"Hey, Steve!" Cheryl's voice caught his attention as he walked across to his desk and he changed direction to move over to her. "How's Jo?"
"She's doing fine, way better than I thought she would, she's going to go see Jesse today, he came home yesterday." Steve smiled and paused for a moment, and then with a heavy heart he continued to talk. "How's Martin?"
"About the same, we seem to have reached a plateau if you understand what I mean. They are gonna come talk to him about rehab in a couple of days, but … but I just want to bring him home, y'know?" Cheryl found that she could talk so easily to Steve about how she felt.
"I know, but you need to let him reach his full potential, and the people there are trained to do that. It'll still be at Community General, right?"
"Yeah, it will, thank goodness, so I can visit just like I do now. Steve …?"
"What?" Steve realised that she was going to ask him something very important to her, and he made sure that she could see that she had his full attention.
"I still love him, and I want to be with him, but what if he doesn't want me, what will I do? What if he comes back from rehab and wants to be alone? He … he hasn't told me he loves me, not since the accident."
"Cheryl, I can't answer that for you, but why don't you call Rae and talk with her? She's been there remember, and, well, I don't know if you realised or not, but Jesse left her for a while after she was injured."
Cheryl looked amazed for a moment, and Steve hoped that he hadn't betrayed a confidence. "I didn't know, but I will speak with her, thanks, Steve. Now, we need to go and interview bank employees!"
"Oh great, just what I need… Is this our Jane Doe?" Steve picked up the photograph that was sitting on Cheryl's desk.
"Yeah, Amanda called through this morning, she is about 56 years old, five foot seven inches tall, and she was shot, point blank through the heart from the back. With a silencer maybe, I don't know, would the sound be heard outside the elevator, or would it be muffled by the metal?"
"I have no idea, but I guess we're gonna have to find out aren't we…? You know, I know this woman."
"Hey, that's great, oh, I'm sorry, did you know her well, who is she?"
"I have no idea."
"What? I thought you said you knew her." Cheryl looked at Steve, an exasperated expression on her face.
"I do, I've seen her picture someplace, I just don't remember where." Steve was quiet for a while, and Cheryl knew he was turning things over in his mind. "Rae, Rae will know who this is. She was with me when I saw the picture, but I just can't remember where. Dammit, I hate it when that happens!"
"Well, you can always visit with her when you get home; she is your near neighbour now. But someone may recognise her and say, 'oh, yeah, that's Mary Jones', or whatever, and our case will be half solved."
"Mmm, somehow my life's never been like that before, why should it start now?"
"Come on, Mr. Negative, let's get going." Cheryl pulled him by the arm and they walked out of the squad room, both of them needing the normality that working together again could give them.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Rae had arrived at the hospital in plenty of time for her appointment and had hoped that maybe she would be able to get back to some routine once it was over.
As she waited in the cubicle next to where she would have the manipulation done she tried to think about something other than neck and arm pain. She had been so delighted when Alex had told her that her injury had nothing to do with the brachial plexus problems she had suffered in the past, but the pain had stayed, not gone as she thought it would, and now she was just desperate to have it behind her.
"Hey, Rae, how are you feeling this morning?" Alex's cheerful voice cut into her thoughts and she jumped, causing more pain to run through her shoulders. She hadn't taken any pain relief that morning, and she was beginning to realise just how much it had been helping her.
"Not too bad, thanks, you?" Rae smiled at him, she was always pleased to see Alex.
"I'm good, and Jesse? Did he sleep ok? Have any problems?"
"No, none, he slept quite well. I think he woke up a coupla times, but he seemed alright to me."
"Ok, fine. Do you want to go and get changed and then we can begin? I'll have a nurse come and help you."
"No, I can do it, well, unless I have to do up the gown, that might be a problem." Rae smiled, and saw a young nurse standing just behind Alex.
"I'll go in with the patient, Doctor Martin, just in case she has difficulty."
Five minutes later Rae was sitting on the gurney waiting for the procedure to begin. She knew that it might not work and that then she would have to have further treatment and that was making her tense, even though she tried very hard to relax. She heard the doors swing open and then shut and she turned slightly to see Alex and another doctor who she recognised, but didn't know too well, coming towards her.
"Rae, you remember Doctor Lyle, he did the first manipulation on your back and he assisted when Jesse was operated on." Rae smiled a welcoming and friendly smile. She knew that the young man had been in the hospital the day of the explosion and had offered his services, she was very grateful for all everyone had done. "Ok, Rae, you've had this done before, it doesn't hurt, and you'll be fine, I'll see you later, all right?"
"Yes, thanks, Alex." Rae had relaxed as she spoke, knowing that any additional tension would only aggravate matters.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The door to Rae and Jesse's home had been opened just after eleven, and Jo had found herself face to face with a beautiful woman in a nurse's uniform. "Oh, hi, I'm Josephine Sloan; I'm here to see Jesse Travis."
She had been welcomed with a smile, and soon was sitting in the morning room, that she knew Rae called the breakfast room.
"Jesse, how are you doin' today?" Jo looked at her friend who was sitting up in bed, a copy of the newspaper by his side, and tiredness in his eyes. Jo had visited with him in the hospital a couple of times, but once she had been moved from the ICU her private suite had been a long way from Jesse's room.
Now though there was no reason, apart from Jesse nodding off, for them not to spend some time together. Jo pulled up one of the easy chairs and made herself comfortable. She had a tin in her hand which she put on the nightstand. "Michael was concerned that you hadn't been eatin' properly in the hospital, an' so he made you some cookies. You don't have to eat them if you don't want to."
"No, no, I'll eat them, if Steve had made them, now that might be different."
"Hey, that's my husband you're talkin' about!" Jo tried to sound stern, but she smiled as she spoke and Jesse took one of the proffered biscuits and took a bite. It melted in his mouth until he just had the chocolate chips left slowly dissolving on his tongue. He took another bite, and then another. "Oh, that was good; I might just have to have another one … thank you." Jesse ate the second one and then the room descended into an awkward silence.
"Jo."
"Jesse."
Both of them spoke at once, and then laughed, a little embarrassed, at what they had done.
"Jesse, this is stupid. We were stuck in the worst situation of our lives together, an' now we have nothin' to say to each other." Jo decided to take the bull by the horns and speak her mind.
"It's not that I have nothing to say, it's that I have so much, too much, I just don't know where to start." Jesse looked down, Jo was his wife's best friend, and she had seen him at his lowest ebb, had heard him cry out in pain, and he was ashamed of his behaviour. She reminded him of things that he didn't want to think about, that he hoped to put out of his mind for ever, but she had been there for him, and he knew that, for now at least, he would have to try and enjoy her company.
"Jesse, Mark told me what you did for me, my finger. I can't ever thank you enough for that. There was no infection; no throbbin', Wil didn't have to do anythin' to it when I was in surgery, Mark re-dressed it an' that was it."
"Yeah, he mentioned it, it was no problem." Jesse's voice was low, and suddenly he was unable to make eye contact with his companion.
"Jesse, what's the matter? Do you need me to get your nurse?" Jo was suddenly very concerned for her friend.
"No, no, I'm fine, it's just … Jo, I'm so sorry." Jesse blurted out his words, but didn't look up.
"Whatever for? If you hadn't done what you did, I could have lost more than a finger. Honey, you have nothin' to apologise for."
"I couldn't stop them from … from mutilating you, I should have been able to … to …" Jesse couldn't speak any longer. The tears he had managed to keep in since the day he had come round in the hospital threatened him, and when he felt Jo touch his arm and looked down to see her hand with its three fingers it was too much for him, and he began to cry, knowing that his embarrassment at his behaviour with her was now complete.
"Come here." Jo held her arms open and was relieved when Jesse leant into her and finally let some of his emotions go. His nurse, hearing the sound opened the door, but seeing Jo shake her head she smiled and left the room, and Jesse, unaware of her momentary presence, carried on crying on Jo's shoulder.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Steve and Cheryl had stopped for lunch at one thirty, and found themselves a nice coffee shop to eat in and go over what they had, which, as Cheryl had commented as they took their twentieth elevator journey of the day, was precious little. The only light moment coming as they finished their experiment to find out how much noise could be heard through the doors of the lift.
"You know I don't think I will ever forget the look on that banker's face as you suddenly appeared in the doorway of the elevator screaming help at the top of your voice." Steve's voice was relaxed, and Cheryl knew that he was containing his laughter with difficulty.
"I thought he was gonna rush to my aid, but no, you just had to flash your badge at him, and I was left to my own devices." Cheryl shook her head, it had been a pleasant interlude in what had been, so far, a mind numbingly boring day.
"Well, we have visited four floors of offices, interviewed, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven," Steve counted off on his fingers, "Seven receptionists, numerous office workers, janitors and visitors to the building, and no one, not even one of them, believes they know our Jane Doe. In fact, the only person who thinks he recognises her is me, and I have no idea why!"
"Well, gee, Sloan, and I thought we were having a non-productive day!"
Steve groaned, ran his fingers through his hair and glanced at his watch. "It's a quarter to two; you want to be finished by three don't you?"
Cheryl nodded; the captain had been very generous with her hours, allowing her to go and visit with Martin every day after three o'clock. She hadn't told her boyfriend, but she often returned to work after visiting hours were over, not wanting anyone to say that she was neglecting her duties. "You know, I've been thinking … Don't say a word! … If I had just shot someone in an elevator, there would have to be just her and me in it, right?"
"Well, yeah, otherwise you would have to shoot everybody. Or you could wear a mask and hold them hostage until you could leave at the next floor … but we know that didn't happen. So, why wasn't he, or she, seen?" Steve was working out scenarios in his mind as he spoke, but he knew that Cheryl was right.
"If it was me doing this killing, and just for the record, it wasn't, ok? I would send the elevator straight to the roof, or the floor closest to the roof and get out there. Then, I would walk down the stairs, mingle in with the people on whatever floor I got fed up with the stairs on, and bingo, I'm your perfect criminal, I've committed the perfect crime, and I defy you to catch me." Cheryl waggled her hands in front of Steve's face, as if daring him to cuff her.
"Oh, well, I might as well just go home then, you can go to the hospital, and tomorrow we can clean windows for a living!" Steve was very tempted to stick his tongue out at Cheryl, and that made him think of Rae. She was having manipulation today on her back and neck. He hoped that it went ok.
"Make sure it's not a skyscraper and I might just take you up on it." Cheryl laughed and then put her hand tentatively over Steve's. "Thanks, partner."
"What for?" Steve looked at her, but he had a feeling he already knew the answer.
"I relaxed today, for the first time since I came back to work, I just relaxed and got on with it. Thank you."
"Hey, any time. Now, I suggest that we go up to the top floor in the elevator, and see whether we learn anything." With a smile the two cops got to their feet and headed back into the building, they ducked under the police tape and called the lift, and then they waited, enjoying the ease with which they stood in silence together.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jo had held onto Jesse for a long while as he let his feelings out and then composed himself again. "Jo, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."
"Oh, I think you should, I am guessin' that you didn't want to give Rae anythin' to worry about, an' your folks weren't about. You can't keep these things inside of you, trust me, I know."
"No, I do know, and I … I feel better for it, thank you." Jesse ran his hand through his hair and Jo saw the skin grafts on his arm.
"You know, when you got the infection at the … at the garage." For a second Jo closed her eyes, but then she took a deep breath and continued, "I thought that was my fault. I looked at my hand for the first time after … after you were hurt, an' I could see that it was ok, but you weren't, an' I thought that I had done somethin' wrong. Then I looked in your medical bag, an' the bandages like the one I used weren't in their box, just plastic, an' I thought that was my fault too."
"But you know now, that I probably gave myself toxic strep don't you?" Jesse smiled as he spoke, even though he knew that the infection had almost killed him.
"Yeah, Mark told me that you come into contact with things so much, but wash an' clean yourselves so often that you keep it at bay, but there, you had open wounds, an' no way of preventin' it from happenin', but I'm still mighty sorry."
"I know, but you helped, at least the … wounds didn't get dirt and yuk in them, because you covered them up."
"Yuk, that must be a technical term!" Jo laughed and folded her arms in her lap as Jesse carefully made himself comfortable on the bed again.
"Oh yeah, you have to go through med school, internship, and all sorts of other things before you get to use 'yuk'!" Jesse tried to stifle a yawn, but wasn't very successful and Jo stood up.
"Jesse, I'm gonna go an' you get some sleep, y'hear? Can you let me know though how Rae gets on today?"
"Of course, and Jo, those bandages were like that because I had left them on the side, and Eliana unwrapped them for me! They were still sterile though, they were fine."
Jo leant over and kissed her friend on the cheek. She felt that they had a bond now that no one else would ever appreciate; she hugged him quickly and then was gone, not seeing the haunted, desperate look that flashed across his face, and the relief that replaced it as she left the room.