As usual, I own nothing. None of these characters, no, not even some of the
plot. I am stealing Jhonen Vasquez's characters and J.K. Rowling's story!
I don't own DDR or the haunted hotel. All I own is Tim the Stalker and his
Freshmen Fan Club. But the people they are based on own themselves. And
will kill me when they find out who I am.
Chapter 3: The Letters From Someone
One month later, Squeegee was finally let out of his broom closet. Summer vacation had already started and Pepito had burned most of his birthday presents in a large bonfire in the center of the living room. The good news was, the drooling monkey was returned to the animal shelter because they didn't want it to risk it having more smoke inhalation. The bad news was, the bonfire left a huge hole in the floor that went straight down to Hell. And Pepito's gang of friends, Tim the Stalker and his Freshmen Fan Club came over every day now to torment Squeegee. Tim often complained about his fan club stalking him while completely ignoring the irony that one of his favorite hobbies was stalking Jhonen. Tim isn't very bright, if you haven't figured that out by now.
But there was some hope for Squeegee. In September, he would go to the living Hell known as middle school where he would receive daily swirlies from upperclassmen and would have to wear a uniform that looked curiously like an elephant suit. But it sure beat going to school with Pepito. He on the other hand was accepted at the School of Idiotic Control Under Punyheads. I.C.U.P for short. He had completed the fraternity-like initiation process the day after Squeegee was let out of his broom closet. It included throwing Tim the Stalker into the hellhole in the living room, but he was resurrected soon enough. (You might have to read 'Crazy! A Kinda Sorta True Story' to get this) Tim and his fan club already went to I.C.U.P. and gave new kids wedgies on the first day.
But what Squeegee couldn't understand about his own Stonewall high is why a British school would be named after an American Civil War general.
One day in July the Creepers took Pepito to get his school uniform which consisted of a spaghetti strapped shirt, a miniskirt, high heeled sandals (all of which were neon pink) and most of the boys wore blonde pigtails with the same color pink scrunches and carried around pom-poms that they shook in each others' faces when the teacher wasn't looking. This was supposed to teach them well, nothing. The shaking noise just kept the teachers in a half awake state(which is most common for visions of aliens to appear). Mrs. Creeper was literally crying a river when she saw Pepito in his uniform for the first time. Squeegee was going blue from trying not to laugh. The son of Satan dressed up as a cheerleader looks very odd to say the least. But the fun was over when Satan yelled up through the hellhole that the water was making the damned that liked rain happy. So Pepito took off his costume. For now at least.
The next morning, Squeegee left his broom closet to find that there was a tub in the kitchen with gray rags swimming around with the aid of little flippers.
"What's that?", Squeegee asked Mrs. Creeper who was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee with her nonexistent face hidden behind a newspaper.
"It's your uniform.", she replied bitterly.
"Oh, I didn't know it had to be so wet."
"*sigh* Yes, it has to be wet because you're going to be the school mascot. It's a snorkeling elephant." At this, Pepito laughed uncontrollably. That is, until the mail hot through the slot in the door and flew straight into his eye.
"So who is this now conjunctivitis infected mail for?", he asked as he pulled the letters from his eye. "One for uh, Mr. Creeper and lots of fan mail for Squeegee. But this one has green ink on it!" Mr. Creeper snatched the letter out of his hand before he could further examine it. As he read it his face turned purple. Then chartreuse. Then blue with pink polka dots. And green stripes. And red stars, orange lines and pretty much every color and pattern imaginable. Or it would have if he had a visible face.
"Violet!"
"Aw, shit. Well you knew he had to get one of those sooner or later."
"He's not going!", Mr. Creeper screamed as he lit the letter on fire with his cigar. Squeegee was very curious by now.
"What was in that letter?"
"You just got a ton of fan mail. Why do you have to know what that one said?" "Those other letters were from very scary people who want to do very scary things!" "But this letter was from even scarier people! People like those two weirdos at the mall last year."
*flashback to last year*
Squeegee recalls his memory to about one year before. He was at the mall and the Creepers tried to lose him again. He was watching two people on a Dance Dance Revolution set on maniac mode. Okay, it was just standard. Stop staring at meee!!! IT WAS LIGHT!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?! Good! :) They both had nametags reading "Hello, I'm Jhonen and I'm a lizard! I mean wizard!" and "Hello, I'm Roman and I'm a lizard! I mean wizard!". They were approaching the end of "Orion" when Roman's dancer dropped from the screen, saying that they were exhausted.
"Hey! I think he's dead!", Roman said to his friend before being sucked into the machine to replace the dead dancer. "Heeeeelp meeeee!", he said but Jhonen was too busy laughing maniacally to do anything.
Then someone familiar came up behind him.
"Hi Squeegee. Your parents left you again?"
"Johnny? How did you know I was here?"
"They've been doing this for years. And they were having a party that I didn't think you would want to miss."
"They finally remembered my birthday?!", Squeegee said as his eyes lit up with joy. "I.don't think so. What's wrong with that lizard over there?", Johnny said looking at Jhonen who was still laughing at Roman. He was being forced into maniac mode by a big headed kid and a little green alien having a battle.
"I don't know. Maybe some brain dead fanfiction author from the future is messing with the lizards in a not-so-hidden cameo of some sort because they couldn't think of another way to fit it in creatively." How did he know?!?!
*Back to reality*
"And those stupid lizard people ruined our 'We Finally Got Rid of Squeegee' party!" "But Johnny was the one who brought me home."
"You and your imaginary friends. For the last time, our neighbors are not aliens or serial killers!"
Squeegee leaves the room, dejected. A few minutes later Johnny enters and starts instant messaging someone on the computer.
"Squeegee, stop dressing like your imaginary friend, the homicidal maniac and go to sleep!" Mr. Creeper would have been dead in two seconds if he wasn't Squeegee's so called father. And Johnny left his knives at home.
Nny777(I have no idea if that's a real screen name!): Excuse me, Squeegee's parents are being a little difficult.
Pyrplepunk77(meeee!!!): Despite what most fanfics say, killing them would not be a good idea.
Nny777: Oh dear, something is screaming in my basement. I must go now.
Pyrplepunk77: Aww. Bai!
"But how do they know where Squeegee sleeps?", Mrs. Creeper said.
"Knowing those folk, they're watching us right now! They've probably been doing it for years! Aww, shit. Maybe I shouldn't have picked my nose last week."
"So maybe we should piss off the son of Satan and give Squeegee one of his 100 rooms." One hour later, Pepito had set the garage on fire, flooded the basement and put an exploding hamster in the microwave. But he still didn't have his gelatin room back. "But what will I jump on?!?!", he complained.
"One of your five trampoline rooms or the pogo-stick room or the inflatable castle room.", Mrs. Creeper replied as she removed the exploded hamster guts from what was left of the microwave. "But what will we do about the letter?", she asked Mr. Creeper.
"We'll just sit here like idiots and wait until the house is flooded with letters." "Great idea! Break out the snorkels!"
The next morning, Mr. Creeper was in an unusually cheerful mood.
"Did you steal some of my happy pills again?", Mrs. Creeper asked him, suspicious of the way he was acting.
"No, no happy pills needed. It's Sunday! No mail today!", he said as he jumped up and down on the table in delight.
"Bull. I still think you stole some of my happy pills. And they use flying teddy bears to deliver mail." The grin was still plastered on his nonexistent face.
"How long does it take for these things to wear off?" Before Mrs. Creeper could answer, a flock of flying teddy bears big enough to block out the sun swooped down on the house and filled it with more letters. This time they had Squeegee's new bedroom on them. Despite being surrounded and almost suffocated by them, Squeegee couldn't even get a letter. No, that would be too beneficial to the plot moving forward. So Mr. Creeper suffered his happy pill withdrawal while driving everyone to someplace far, far away. He knew this was just the thing the lizards would be expecting. But then again, more plot delays are necessary. So they drove all day, occasionally stopping in a cat food factory, a court room with a serial killer on trial who escaped through the hole in the wall and finally in an old, abandoned looking hotel that looked like it came straight from a horror movie. And it did, but they just didn't know it yet.
"This TV has no cable!", Pepito remarked, shocked as he turned it on. "All it says is "WARNING: YOU ARE IN A HIDEOUSLY OVERDONE 'PSYCHO' MOVIE PARODY"."
"Whatever. I have to go wash off the black slime that's been oozing out of the drain. The owners said something about an ancient burial ground being under here.", Mrs. Creeper said as she went to go take a shower. While she was there, she heard the bathroom door open. Then she saw someone dressed as the grim reaper wielding a shining knife.
"Oops, wrong parody!", they said. "But I do have something for you", they said as they held out another letter. "A flying teddy bear gave it to me on my way in here." The letter had updated Squeegee's location once again. Now it was 'the haunted hotel, England." (This does exist! Go to realhaunts.com in the England section to find it. Or maybe you shouldn't. I looked it up on another computer and the next day the sound stopped working. Just so you're warned. : ) ) The grim reaper impersonator then disappeared. Mrs. Creeper got dressed and handed Mr. Creeper the new letter.
"See? I told you they would follow us!" Mr. Creeper then dragged everyone out the door and into the car again. They drove around for another entire day, only stopping at a boat rental shop near the shore. Mr. Creeper entered the shop and then came out with an insane grin on his face.
"A crazy old man has agreed to lend us his boat so we can row out to a tiny rock in the middle of the ocean in a storm tonight.", Mr. Creeper said, pointing to a miniscule island in the sea with an unstable looking excuse for a shack that had just appeared. They all got in the boat and Mr. Creeper rowed out to the island with the unstable looking excuse for a shack. Squeegee slept on the cold floor that night. Pepito had been to mean to use his hellpowers to make a fire to keep them warm. But Pepito had the couch and a blanket. And the Creepers had a bed in another room. As if the cold wasn't bad enough, the wind, rain, lightning and thunder from the conveniently appearing storm made it impossible for squeegee to sleep. Pepito's watch said that it would be midnight in a few minutes. Squeegee knew that there was something important about July 31, but he couldn't remember what. 3 seconds. Obviously there is some phony suspense thing going on or there wouldn't be a countdown. 2 seconds. BOOM! The door opened and out of the shadows stepped someone. But you won't know until the next chapter! HA! (Hint: Not necessarily It!)
Writing in paragraphs stinks, especially with something this long. It's going to turn into an entire 309 page book parody when I'm done! AAAHHHHH!!!!! I have been typing this for several hours. 3 down, 14 chapters to go. Ugghhh. So I am not going to parody the second book until I get at least 75 reviews for this story! HAHAHAH!!! I am eeevil! Flames will not be counted as a full review unless they contain constructive criticism. I'm still accepting authors who want to be characters. Just spot this chapter's not-so-hidden cameo and send a review or e-mail pyrple_punk77@hotmail.com with the information in the A/Ns in the previous two chapters. *falls asleep on keyboard*
Chapter 3: The Letters From Someone
One month later, Squeegee was finally let out of his broom closet. Summer vacation had already started and Pepito had burned most of his birthday presents in a large bonfire in the center of the living room. The good news was, the drooling monkey was returned to the animal shelter because they didn't want it to risk it having more smoke inhalation. The bad news was, the bonfire left a huge hole in the floor that went straight down to Hell. And Pepito's gang of friends, Tim the Stalker and his Freshmen Fan Club came over every day now to torment Squeegee. Tim often complained about his fan club stalking him while completely ignoring the irony that one of his favorite hobbies was stalking Jhonen. Tim isn't very bright, if you haven't figured that out by now.
But there was some hope for Squeegee. In September, he would go to the living Hell known as middle school where he would receive daily swirlies from upperclassmen and would have to wear a uniform that looked curiously like an elephant suit. But it sure beat going to school with Pepito. He on the other hand was accepted at the School of Idiotic Control Under Punyheads. I.C.U.P for short. He had completed the fraternity-like initiation process the day after Squeegee was let out of his broom closet. It included throwing Tim the Stalker into the hellhole in the living room, but he was resurrected soon enough. (You might have to read 'Crazy! A Kinda Sorta True Story' to get this) Tim and his fan club already went to I.C.U.P. and gave new kids wedgies on the first day.
But what Squeegee couldn't understand about his own Stonewall high is why a British school would be named after an American Civil War general.
One day in July the Creepers took Pepito to get his school uniform which consisted of a spaghetti strapped shirt, a miniskirt, high heeled sandals (all of which were neon pink) and most of the boys wore blonde pigtails with the same color pink scrunches and carried around pom-poms that they shook in each others' faces when the teacher wasn't looking. This was supposed to teach them well, nothing. The shaking noise just kept the teachers in a half awake state(which is most common for visions of aliens to appear). Mrs. Creeper was literally crying a river when she saw Pepito in his uniform for the first time. Squeegee was going blue from trying not to laugh. The son of Satan dressed up as a cheerleader looks very odd to say the least. But the fun was over when Satan yelled up through the hellhole that the water was making the damned that liked rain happy. So Pepito took off his costume. For now at least.
The next morning, Squeegee left his broom closet to find that there was a tub in the kitchen with gray rags swimming around with the aid of little flippers.
"What's that?", Squeegee asked Mrs. Creeper who was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee with her nonexistent face hidden behind a newspaper.
"It's your uniform.", she replied bitterly.
"Oh, I didn't know it had to be so wet."
"*sigh* Yes, it has to be wet because you're going to be the school mascot. It's a snorkeling elephant." At this, Pepito laughed uncontrollably. That is, until the mail hot through the slot in the door and flew straight into his eye.
"So who is this now conjunctivitis infected mail for?", he asked as he pulled the letters from his eye. "One for uh, Mr. Creeper and lots of fan mail for Squeegee. But this one has green ink on it!" Mr. Creeper snatched the letter out of his hand before he could further examine it. As he read it his face turned purple. Then chartreuse. Then blue with pink polka dots. And green stripes. And red stars, orange lines and pretty much every color and pattern imaginable. Or it would have if he had a visible face.
"Violet!"
"Aw, shit. Well you knew he had to get one of those sooner or later."
"He's not going!", Mr. Creeper screamed as he lit the letter on fire with his cigar. Squeegee was very curious by now.
"What was in that letter?"
"You just got a ton of fan mail. Why do you have to know what that one said?" "Those other letters were from very scary people who want to do very scary things!" "But this letter was from even scarier people! People like those two weirdos at the mall last year."
*flashback to last year*
Squeegee recalls his memory to about one year before. He was at the mall and the Creepers tried to lose him again. He was watching two people on a Dance Dance Revolution set on maniac mode. Okay, it was just standard. Stop staring at meee!!! IT WAS LIGHT!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?! Good! :) They both had nametags reading "Hello, I'm Jhonen and I'm a lizard! I mean wizard!" and "Hello, I'm Roman and I'm a lizard! I mean wizard!". They were approaching the end of "Orion" when Roman's dancer dropped from the screen, saying that they were exhausted.
"Hey! I think he's dead!", Roman said to his friend before being sucked into the machine to replace the dead dancer. "Heeeeelp meeeee!", he said but Jhonen was too busy laughing maniacally to do anything.
Then someone familiar came up behind him.
"Hi Squeegee. Your parents left you again?"
"Johnny? How did you know I was here?"
"They've been doing this for years. And they were having a party that I didn't think you would want to miss."
"They finally remembered my birthday?!", Squeegee said as his eyes lit up with joy. "I.don't think so. What's wrong with that lizard over there?", Johnny said looking at Jhonen who was still laughing at Roman. He was being forced into maniac mode by a big headed kid and a little green alien having a battle.
"I don't know. Maybe some brain dead fanfiction author from the future is messing with the lizards in a not-so-hidden cameo of some sort because they couldn't think of another way to fit it in creatively." How did he know?!?!
*Back to reality*
"And those stupid lizard people ruined our 'We Finally Got Rid of Squeegee' party!" "But Johnny was the one who brought me home."
"You and your imaginary friends. For the last time, our neighbors are not aliens or serial killers!"
Squeegee leaves the room, dejected. A few minutes later Johnny enters and starts instant messaging someone on the computer.
"Squeegee, stop dressing like your imaginary friend, the homicidal maniac and go to sleep!" Mr. Creeper would have been dead in two seconds if he wasn't Squeegee's so called father. And Johnny left his knives at home.
Nny777(I have no idea if that's a real screen name!): Excuse me, Squeegee's parents are being a little difficult.
Pyrplepunk77(meeee!!!): Despite what most fanfics say, killing them would not be a good idea.
Nny777: Oh dear, something is screaming in my basement. I must go now.
Pyrplepunk77: Aww. Bai!
"But how do they know where Squeegee sleeps?", Mrs. Creeper said.
"Knowing those folk, they're watching us right now! They've probably been doing it for years! Aww, shit. Maybe I shouldn't have picked my nose last week."
"So maybe we should piss off the son of Satan and give Squeegee one of his 100 rooms." One hour later, Pepito had set the garage on fire, flooded the basement and put an exploding hamster in the microwave. But he still didn't have his gelatin room back. "But what will I jump on?!?!", he complained.
"One of your five trampoline rooms or the pogo-stick room or the inflatable castle room.", Mrs. Creeper replied as she removed the exploded hamster guts from what was left of the microwave. "But what will we do about the letter?", she asked Mr. Creeper.
"We'll just sit here like idiots and wait until the house is flooded with letters." "Great idea! Break out the snorkels!"
The next morning, Mr. Creeper was in an unusually cheerful mood.
"Did you steal some of my happy pills again?", Mrs. Creeper asked him, suspicious of the way he was acting.
"No, no happy pills needed. It's Sunday! No mail today!", he said as he jumped up and down on the table in delight.
"Bull. I still think you stole some of my happy pills. And they use flying teddy bears to deliver mail." The grin was still plastered on his nonexistent face.
"How long does it take for these things to wear off?" Before Mrs. Creeper could answer, a flock of flying teddy bears big enough to block out the sun swooped down on the house and filled it with more letters. This time they had Squeegee's new bedroom on them. Despite being surrounded and almost suffocated by them, Squeegee couldn't even get a letter. No, that would be too beneficial to the plot moving forward. So Mr. Creeper suffered his happy pill withdrawal while driving everyone to someplace far, far away. He knew this was just the thing the lizards would be expecting. But then again, more plot delays are necessary. So they drove all day, occasionally stopping in a cat food factory, a court room with a serial killer on trial who escaped through the hole in the wall and finally in an old, abandoned looking hotel that looked like it came straight from a horror movie. And it did, but they just didn't know it yet.
"This TV has no cable!", Pepito remarked, shocked as he turned it on. "All it says is "WARNING: YOU ARE IN A HIDEOUSLY OVERDONE 'PSYCHO' MOVIE PARODY"."
"Whatever. I have to go wash off the black slime that's been oozing out of the drain. The owners said something about an ancient burial ground being under here.", Mrs. Creeper said as she went to go take a shower. While she was there, she heard the bathroom door open. Then she saw someone dressed as the grim reaper wielding a shining knife.
"Oops, wrong parody!", they said. "But I do have something for you", they said as they held out another letter. "A flying teddy bear gave it to me on my way in here." The letter had updated Squeegee's location once again. Now it was 'the haunted hotel, England." (This does exist! Go to realhaunts.com in the England section to find it. Or maybe you shouldn't. I looked it up on another computer and the next day the sound stopped working. Just so you're warned. : ) ) The grim reaper impersonator then disappeared. Mrs. Creeper got dressed and handed Mr. Creeper the new letter.
"See? I told you they would follow us!" Mr. Creeper then dragged everyone out the door and into the car again. They drove around for another entire day, only stopping at a boat rental shop near the shore. Mr. Creeper entered the shop and then came out with an insane grin on his face.
"A crazy old man has agreed to lend us his boat so we can row out to a tiny rock in the middle of the ocean in a storm tonight.", Mr. Creeper said, pointing to a miniscule island in the sea with an unstable looking excuse for a shack that had just appeared. They all got in the boat and Mr. Creeper rowed out to the island with the unstable looking excuse for a shack. Squeegee slept on the cold floor that night. Pepito had been to mean to use his hellpowers to make a fire to keep them warm. But Pepito had the couch and a blanket. And the Creepers had a bed in another room. As if the cold wasn't bad enough, the wind, rain, lightning and thunder from the conveniently appearing storm made it impossible for squeegee to sleep. Pepito's watch said that it would be midnight in a few minutes. Squeegee knew that there was something important about July 31, but he couldn't remember what. 3 seconds. Obviously there is some phony suspense thing going on or there wouldn't be a countdown. 2 seconds. BOOM! The door opened and out of the shadows stepped someone. But you won't know until the next chapter! HA! (Hint: Not necessarily It!)
Writing in paragraphs stinks, especially with something this long. It's going to turn into an entire 309 page book parody when I'm done! AAAHHHHH!!!!! I have been typing this for several hours. 3 down, 14 chapters to go. Ugghhh. So I am not going to parody the second book until I get at least 75 reviews for this story! HAHAHAH!!! I am eeevil! Flames will not be counted as a full review unless they contain constructive criticism. I'm still accepting authors who want to be characters. Just spot this chapter's not-so-hidden cameo and send a review or e-mail pyrple_punk77@hotmail.com with the information in the A/Ns in the previous two chapters. *falls asleep on keyboard*