DISCLAIMER: Rating - PG13 (it's a murder mystery after all), for a little cussing & swearing and a body count. and Simon & Simon are not owned by me, they are owned by USA Network and CBS. This is just a stupid fan fiction and I won't make any money off of it.





Adrian Monk emerged from his room at precisely 9 am. He was in a good mood and felt energized, because he was excited about taking a fresh look at the case. He was determined to find a new lead today. Adrian buttoned the collar on his perfectly pressed, off-white, long sleeve dress shirt as he walked with a spring in his step.

Adrian wondered where Sharona was. She was not in her room, so he had assumed that she must have gone downstairs for breakfast. But when he entered the living room, he realized that Sharona was not there, either. Maybe she was out on the patio working on her tan? As Adrian looked around the living room, he spied Rick lying on the nearest couch with his cowboy hat pulled down over his eyes. He was wearing a green hunter's jacket over a red button down shirt today. Monk adjusted his shirt sleeves and asked the lounging Rick, Where's Sharona?

Rick answered from underneath his hat. She and A.J. went shopping.

Monk stopped in the middle of the living room, his bright demeanor instantly replaced by a look of uncertainty. She's not here?

Rick pushed his hat back on his head and looked up at Monk. No, she went shopping. She and A.J. went to the store, said something about having to get your food.

Adrian continued to look around the room, as if Sharona might suddenly materialize in front of him. Rick thought he looked like a lost puppy trying to find it's owner. He realized he should say something to reassure Monk that he had not been abandoned for the day. She made you breakfast. Monk's face brightened a bit. It's in there, on the kitchen counter.

Adrian touched all the lamps in the living room, then wandered into the kitchen and saw the foil-covered plates that contained his breakfast sitting on the kitchen counter where Sharona had left them. He also found the pot of tea she had left on the stove for him, but evidently Sharona forgot to provide a clean mug to go with it. When he turned to exit the kitchen so he could ask Rick for a mug, he spotted the stained glass window in the front door that opened into A.J.'s kitchen. The window was a compilation of brightly colored glass squares set into the pane in vertical strips. Adrian paused and touched the window before walking over to the couch where Rick lay.

Rick looked up at Monk, who just stood there, shifting from foot to foot. He obviously wanted something. Rick inquired impatiently.

Um, I need a mug. He pointed back towards the kitchen. For my tea.

Aah, ok. One mug coming up. Rick hopped up from the couch and strode into the kitchen. As Monk walked behind Rick, he noticed that, as usual, the belt on the back of his jacket was loosely tied instead of buckled. Adrian rubbed his forehead and tried hard to ignore the sloppy, uneven knot.

Adrian followed Rick into the kitchen and watched as he grabbed a blue coffee mug from one of the cabinets and held it out to him. Not only had Rick neglected to wash his hands, he grabbed the mug by the rim. Adrian made no move to take it from Rick.

Rick was mystified. What? Something wrong with it?

Adrian pointed at Rick's fingers. You, um, touched the rim, without washing your hands. I have to drink out of that....

Ok, I can see that. I'll just get you another one. Rick put it down and grabbed another mug by the handle. He offered it to Monk, who again refused to take it. Adrian just looked at it, and began rubbing his forehead in a familiar nervous gesture. Rick sighed in frustration. He set the second mug on the counter, grabbed a clean paper towel, used the towel to grab yet another mug from the cabinet, and handed it to Monk. Adrian accepted it without hesitation and went to pour himself a cup of tea. Rick went to the kitchen bar and sat on one of the tall stools while Adrian removed the foil covering his food. Sharona had cooked his usual Friday breakfast of a cheese omelet and two slices of buttered toast. As he took his omelet and tea over to the dining table, Adrian made sure to touch the colored window in the front door as he passed by. Then he went back into the kitchen to collect his toast, touching the window on the way into the kitchen and again on his way out. Rick observed this unusual behavior, and after a few minutes of internal debate, decided he should probably just ignore it.

Hey Monk, I almost forgot. Take this and make sure you put it on before we go anywhere. Rick handed Adrian a navy blue bulletproof vest.

Adrian held the vest by the fingertips of his right hand and carefully examined it. No thank you.

Rick was perplexed. What? Monk, there's a very bad man trying to kill you. We want you wearing a vest. Sharona's going to wear one too.

But It's been used. He pointed to some stray hairs stuck in the velcro on some of the straps. Someone else has worn this.

Yeah, so what. It's in great shape. There aren't any bullet holes in it or anything.

Adrian held the vest at arm's length with a disgusted look on his face, almost as if he were holding a filthy rag. But.....it's been used......by someone else! I can't wear this!

Just put it on, Monk.

Adrian handed the vest back to Rick. Um, no thank you.

Rick sighed and tried to diffuse his rising frustration. Ok, how about this. We'll get you a brand new vest, fresh out of the box. Would you wear it then?

Adrian thought for a moment. Brand new?



He considered Rick's offer, and finally conceded defeat.

Adrian washed his hands, then sat down at the dining table and took a bite of his omelet after carefully cutting it into little squares. As soon as he began eating, he realized just how hungry he was. He had declined to participate in last night's chili burger feast, which meant he had not eaten since yesterday when he and Sharona stopped for lunch. Adrian ate at a much faster pace than usual, finishing the omelet fairly quickly, then he cut his toast into small pieces, and ate them using his fork instead of his hands. Rick tried really hard not to laugh out loud when he saw Monk eating toast with a fork.

The smell of food wafting in his direction made Rick realize that he was hungry as well. He went over to the fridge, grabbed a soda and a few slices of cold pizza, and tossed the slices onto a plate. He then returned to his seat at the bar and began cramming the cold pizza into his mouth.

When Monk was finished eating, he took his dirty dishes into the kitchen and started washing them. After he finished with those dishes, he grabbed the first two mugs that Rick had tried to give him earlier and cleaned them as well. Then Adrian began to rearrange everything in A.J.'s kitchen cabinets. When he finished that, he scrubbed the entire kitchen from top to bottom, even taking the time to clean the leftover bread crumbs out of the toaster. Rick just sat at the counter, casually stuffing pizza into his face, watching Monk go about his business.

After he finished in the kitchen, Adrian moved on to the dining table. He wiped it down with a towel, making sure to erase every smudge and spot he could find. Then he cleaned off the bar stools at the kitchen counter. Finally, after wiping off every flat surface in sight that was not currently occupied by Rick, Adrian walked over to him and asked, Mr. Simon, do you have a vacuum?





Forty minutes later, the house phone sitting on A.J.'s kitchen bar started ringing. Rick rolled off of the couch, perched himself on the stool next to the phone, and answered it. A.J.'s house. Adrian, who was sitting at the dining table going over the case files again, completely ignored him.

It was A.J., calling from his cell phone. Hey Rick, Sharona wants to know if Monk found his breakfast.

Yeah, he did. Tell her he ate every bit and now he's fat n' happy. By the way, you need to swing by Surplus Sammy's and pick up a different vest for Monk.

Why? What's wrong with the one we gave him?

As Rick was talking on the phone, Adrian got up and went to the kitchen to refill his cup of tea. Rick watched him touch the stained glass window yet again on his way to the teapot. He seemed to be drawn to that stupid window like a moth to a flame.

Monk won't wear it because it's used. Said it had to be brand new. I already called Sammy's, they're holding a new one for us that's still in the bag. He said he'd wear that one.

Rick noticed that Monk had stopped in front of the door. He was just standing there, staring at the colorful window, his right hand hovering in front of his face. Hang on a sec, A.J. Rick put the phone down and moved over next to Monk, regarding him with concern.

He turned to look at Rick, and his face suddenly brightened.

Rick raised his eyebrows.

Windows! They're all in front of windows! Adrian ran back to the table and pulled out a couple of the crime scene photos. Look, at every one of these crime scenes, the killer left the body in front of a window! Even the one in San Francisco! He looked at the photos again, then frowned. I seem to be missing some of the pictures from the crime scenes. These files are incomplete.

I know Town has been complaining all week that his photography department is having trouble keeping up with all the reprints he's been ordering. Guess they screwed up when putting your files together.

But I need all of these pictures. Could you call Captain Brown?

Don't need to. Town gave copies of all the files to me and A.J., they're back at my place.

Adrian looked energized. Ok, let's go. I'll go brush my teeth and get my jacket! He ran upstairs to get ready.

Rick picked up the phone again. Hey A.J., looks like we have to go to my place. Why don't you and Sharona just meet us there.





Adrian followed Rick out to the driveway where his truck was parked. Rick called it the Power Wagon', but last night A.J. had laughingly referred to it as that monstrosity hogging my driveway'. It was a new, metallic gray Dodge Ram 4 x 4 pickup, with a six inch lift kit and big oversized mud tires. It had been fitted with a thick black roll bar in the cargo bed, and a giant customized front bumper made from black diamond plate steel was bolted to the frame. The bumper was so big, it looked like Rick had welded a battering ram to the front of his truck. The nose of the vehicle also had a large cage protecting the grill and headlights. Another tough diamond plate bumper in the rear, as well as the words POWER WAGON' painted in black on the side of the truck's bed, completed the ensemble. Rick opened the passenger door for Adrian, then went around to the driver's side and climbed in, and turned the key. The truck's massive engine roared with power, causing the entire vehicle shake slightly.

Monk stood in the driveway, looking at the huge truck, trying to figure out how he should get in. Rick yelled over the engine noise. Come on, Monk! Let's go! Adrian pulled out some wipes and cleaned off the passenger seat, inside door handle, and the metal foot plate underneath the door before climbing up into the truck and locking the door behind him. Rick put his truck in gear, slowly backed out of the driveway and turned onto the road, heading for the marina.

The drive over to Rick's place was relatively uneventful. Rick watched Monk from behind his dark aviator's sunglasses, and saw that even though he drove very carefully, Adrian had kept his hand clamped over his eyes so he would not panic while they negotiated their way through traffic. Rick was relieved when they finally reached their destination, because it meant an end to Adrian's constant refrain of Are we there yet?' They exited the Power Wagon and made their way up the path towards a marina.

Adrian followed Rick, looking a little confused. Where are we going?

Rick answered without looking back. To my house.

Adrian looked around, assuming that they must be heading for a building somewhere on one of the marina's many piers. You live here? In a house?

Yep! Rick continued leading the way with his easy stride, heading towards one of the outer docks. Both men walked in silence for quite some time. As they started down a long dock with several boats moored to either side, Rick felt a gentle tap on his right shoulder. He turned to find Adrian standing there, looking sheepish and nervously wringing his hands together. Rick was amazed that Monk had actually touched him.

Hey, Rick, I just wanted to......um....... He looked away for a moment, then took a deep breath and faced Rick again. Thank you for saving Sharona's life last night. He swallowed hard, then continued. He paused for a moment as tears began to well up in his eyes. She's my best friend. Adrian looked down at his shoes, and with great sadness, he added She's my only friend.

Rick knew it must have been very hard for Adrian to make such a confession. Well, believe it or not, I understand. He gave Adrian a friendly pat on the shoulder I feel the same way about my brother. And with that thought he turned around and continued walking down the dock. Adrian took a moment to collect himself, then brushed off the spot on his jacket where Rick had touched it, and followed him.

They finally reached the end of the dock, and Rick hopped onto the deck of a white houseboat with gray wood siding around the main cabin that was moored to the left side of the dock. He turned around and motioned for Monk to follow him. Come on, Monk, the files are in here.

Adrian remained on the dock, looking down at the gap between the boat's deck and the wooden pier. There was no plank or walkway leading to the deck of Rick's boat. To go aboard, Adrian would have to step up onto the boat through a three foot gap in the handrail that ran around the side of the deck. You live on a boat?

Yeah, it's a houseboat. Come on, it'll be fun.

But....this is a boat.

Rick realized this was going to be much more difficult than he previously thought. All you have to do is step onto the deck. See? Rick stepped off the boat onto the dock, then back onto the boat. It's easy. No problem. Monk just stood there, peering down at the water through the gap. Rick sighed. Ok, how about this. He went into the boat, and emerged carrying a thick wooden plank. He put one end on the deck and rested the other end of the plank on the dock, creating a walkway for Adrian. How's that?

Monk stared back at him. How do I know it won't fall off when I'm walking on it? It's not secured to anything.

Rick hopped back onto the dock and regarded Monk from behind his dark sunglasses. He remembered last night's episode on the pedestrian bridge, and knew this wasn't going to be easy. Rick was seized with sudden inspiration. He looked over Monk's shoulder, and asked, Isn't that Sharona over there? When Adrian turned to look, Rick quickly grabbed him underneath the arms in a fireman's carry and dragged a very surprised Monk onto the deck of his houseboat. Rick let go of him and Adrian immediately grabbed hold of the handrail, clinging to it with a white-knuckle grip. Rick was pleased with himself. See? That wasn't so hard, was it? Come on, Monk. Help me look for the case files. They're somewhere in the cabin. He walked along the narrow pathway running down the side of the boat, which emerged onto the rear deck that was decorated with wicker patio furniture, and entered the boat's main cabin where the living quarters were located. Adrian decided that being on a boat was only made worse by being left alone on a boat, so he decided to follow Rick. He slowly made his way down the walkway, clutching the handrail as he went, and after a few desperate minutes, he joined Rick in the boat's living area.

At first, Monk thought he would be glad to get off of the deck, so he would not be so close to the waves splashing against the side of the boat. But then he entered the living area and was confronted with nightmare of clutter and disorganization. Rick's living room was anything but clean. Dirty dishes and empty beer bottles were clustered on top of the coffee table. Old magazines and dirty socks were strewn about the large L-shaped sectional sofa, and various gadgets that Rick had collected over the years from Surplus Sammy's many clearance sales were crammed into several cabinets around the room. Adrian fought back his rising panic and began rubbing his forehead, desperately trying to maintain his composure.

Outside in the marina, speedboat ignoring the no wake zone' signs zipped by the dock, sending large waves towards Rick's boat. The boat rocked slightly to the side as the waves hit, causing a large plastic fruit bowl to slide across the kitchen counter. Monk felt the boat move and immediately grabbed the nearest solid object, which happened to be Rick's sofa.

Adrian was petrified. How can you live like this? On a boat? It moves! How can you stand it when your stuff slides around like that?

Well Monk, he casually replied, That's why all the cabinets have latches on them. Keeps things from falling out.

Adrian felt the boat stabilize and let go of the couch, still somewhat uncertain of his surroundings.

Hey Monk, Rick called out cheerfully from the far side of the room, I think I found the files. Come on over here. Adrian made his way over to Rick, being careful not to step on any of the objects littered about the carpet. Rick was looking through some manilla files he had found in the closet. Naw, this isn't it. Maybe it's over here? Rick moved over to the bathroom, but not before he pulled the vacuum out of the closet and left it sitting in plain sight. He set some cleaning supplies on the bathroom counter and went back into the living room.

Upon returning to the living room, Rick found that Monk had removed his suit jacket and was wearing a brand new pair of rubber dishwashing gloves he found in a kitchen drawer. He was already scurrying about the living room with a black garbage bag in hand, picking up trash. Rick crept over to the kitchen and opened the cabinet door underneath the sink, exposing the cleaning supplies stored there, then he hurried back out to the rear deck and closed the cabin doors behind him, leaving Monk inside. He strolled over to a pile of newspapers next to a large, round backed wicker chair, pulled a stack of manilla folders from underneath the newspapers, and began flipping through his copies of the case files. Rick sat down and silently congratulated himself for finding a way to clean his house without doing any work himself. He put his feet up on the round table in front of his chair, and looked out over the water. Yep, it's a beautiful day!






Sharona and A.J. showed up at Rick's houseboat around noon. Sharona was wearing a loose, white, San Diego Chargers' t-shirt underneath her denim jacket instead of one of her usual tight blouses. They found Rick lounging in his favorite chair and drinking a soda on the rear deck, but Adrian was nowhere to be seen. A.J. turned to Sharona, and said Well, I see my nemesis is here. But where is Mr. Monk? Sharona just shrugged and followed A.J. onto the boat.

Rick chugged his soda and looked up at them. Hey guys, have a seat! Take a load off! I'm just going over these again. He held up one of the files he was reading.
He seemed to be pretty happy about something.

Sharona looked around the boat, wondering where her boss was. She began to grow concerned. Rick, where's Adrian? He can't be here on the boat, he hates boats. The doors to the main cabin flew open, and Adrian stumbled out onto the deck. He was wearing a pair of yellow rubber kitchen gloves, and held a bottle of sanitizing spray in one hand and a pair of Rick's dirty underwear in the other. When he saw Sharona, he looked very relieved. Sharona, thank God you're here!

Adrian, Oh my God! You're on a boat! I don't believe it! Then she saw the rubber gloves. Adrian, what are you doing? Were you cleaning again?

Monk dropped everything and clutched at her jacket sleeve. But Sharona, I had to! It was so dirty in there! And that bathroom, it was - it was......ohh.... Adrian put his hand to his stomach and began to feel queasy as he remembered the disgusting conditions of Rick Simon's bathroom.

Sharona saw that Adrian was looking a bit nauseated, so she immediately made him sit in the nearest chair, peeled the gloves off of his hands and tossed them overboard. She sat down in the chair next to him, and pulled a bottle of water out of her purse. Here you go Adrian, have some water.

Oh, no thank you. Adrian was still feeling a bit queasy.

She pressed the bottle into his hand. DRINK IT.

Monk obediently opened the bottle and began drinking.

A.J. grabbed Rick's arm and pulled him out of his chair. He smiled sweetly at Sharona. Excuse me, I have to speak to my brother for a moment. He dragged Rick into the living room and closed the doors behind them. Damn it Rick, I cannot believe you did this! You read his file, and you know he cleans things obsessively! You deliberately lured him onto this damn wreck of yours just so you could avoid doing your own housework, didn't you?

Rick looked like a kid that had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Well, Sharona said that cleaning stuff helps him think -

You are taking advantage of a man's mental illness!

Oh come on A.J., We had to get the case files! I figured he's gonna clean wherever we go anyway, so he might as well do it here.

A.J. glared at his brother with seething anger. You are going straight to hell for this, you know. He went and joined Monk and Sharona out on the deck.

Rick looked around the room, admiring Monk's handiwork. The entire living area was cleaned to perfection. Monk had even organized everything on the cluttered shelves and vacuumed the carpet. He went into the kitchen and saw that Monk had scrubbed the countertops, neatly rearranged the contents of his cabinets, and left the sink spotless. He even organized the silverware drawer. Rick ran to the bathroom and found it sparkling white.

He went back out to the kitchen, thoroughly enjoying the smell of Pine Sol that hung in the air. He decided that he should do something nice for Monk in return for his showroom-clean surroundings, so he went to the refrigerator and selected a refreshingly cold root beer. Rick thought that Monk probably would not drink straight out of the bottle, so he grabbed a paper towel and opened the cabinet to retrieve a mug. He laughed when he found that Monk had even turned the handles of each mug so they all faced the same direction. He grabbed the handle of a mug with the paper towel........the mug did not move. Rick pulled a little harder, but it just would not budge. He yanked the handle with all his might, and it broke off in his hand. He looked down at the detached handle, completely bewildered. Then he noticed something in the kitchen trash can. He bent down and pulled it out of the trash. It was the empty package for the five-pack of super glue that Rick bought at Surplus Sammy's clearance sale last week. All five tubes were empty. Oh you have got to be kidding me. He couldn't have.... Rick tried to pick up another mug and found that, it, too, could not be moved. His plates would not budge, either. He opened all of his cabinets, checking everything, and found that nothing could be dislocated.

Adrian Monk had glued everything in the cabinets to the shelves. He even glued the large fruit bowl to the kitchen counter.

AAAHHHHHHHH! MONK!!!!