As you may have guessed after reading seven chapters with the same thing
before them, I do not own these characters. There I said it. Happy now?
Chapter 7: The Sucking Hat
From the train, Squeegee, Nny, Devi and a bunch of other little lizards in identical clown suits were standing in front of a huge castle's door next to It.
"How did we get here if we were just on the train?", Squeegee asked.
"Maybe it has something to do with that." Devi pointed at a gaping white hole behind them labeled "PLOT HOLE". It was neat! Nny rolled his eyes, annoyed at a simple thing that had permanently labeled Devi as a nerd. At least until the story is over. It knocked on the door to the tune of "Girl All the Bad Guys Want" by Bowling for Soup. The would be students started moshing and one fell off a cliff, died and was reincarnated as a cat.
Finally, someone answered the door. "Hello, I'm Professor Verycheesy and I'm head of Gryffyndor and I hope to see some of you in my house and come with me so you can be sorted by the Sucking Hat." In one breath, an exhausted and somewhat disheveled looking woman gave a crappy and confusing explanation of he houses at Pigspots. It chuckled as if he knew something that they did not as Verycheesy led them into an enormous hall with five tables. Four were filled with students and one had teachers sitting at it. In the front center was a stool with a very old looking hat on it.
Professor Verycheesy spoke to the first years as Professor Noodletwin, who had greasy red hair and a Shark Mark on her arm tried to sneak in without anyone noticing her. So all of the students went to the front of the Great Hall so they could weed out the ones that would die of fear and nervousness if they were for some reason forced to sit in front of a crowd of students while a talking hat whispers things in their ears. Fortunately only one died. She choked on her own vomit while getting stage fright in the bathroom. Just thought you needed to know that.
"Okay, Squeegee Casil is the only one anyone reading this really cares about, so let's just have him go first!", Professor Membrane announced, ignoring the fact that his son was in the incoming class. So Squee made his way up to the chair and put the grossly oversized hat on his head.
"AAAHHH!! Bug eyes! It's going to get me!", the hat whispered.
"Squee!"
"Just kidding, just kidding. But I know where you would fit in really nicely. Slytherin has lots of rabid fangirls and fanboys that are too insecure to stand on their own and will follow anyone remotely famous. Even if you did kill their former idol."
"But fangirls and fanboys are scary! And I don't want rabies!!"
"Okay, just a test. I was required to say that stuff for the sake of drama. As the ten thousand or so spoilers have indicated, you're in Gryffyndor!!"
The last word was said aloud to the entire hall, as was what Squeegee had said about Slytherins. This is going to be such a fun school year!
"Johnny C."
"GRYFFYNDOR!!"
"Devi D."
"GRYFFYNDOR!!"
"Neville.."
"Let's just make this quicker. ALL OF SQUEEGEE'S FRIENDS OR FUTURE FRIENDS ARE IN GRYFFYNDOR!!"
"That works too. So who's next?"
"Actually, let's just get this over with. All the greasy haired, rat faced, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named worshipping scumbags go to Slytherin. All the book worms who can quote Star Trek without the scripts go to Ravenclaw. Then everyone who doesn't fit in with any of those categories *coughloserscough* go to Hufflepuff!"
The students separated themselves amongst the four tables in surprisingly equal numbers given the method of selection and commenced pigging out on food that magically appeared on their plates.
"SQUEE!! There's stuff! It wasn't there but now it is!!"
"How did you get into Gryffyndor in the first place?" The girl, also a first year who said that slapped herself for apparently no reason. "Don't you talk like that to him! It's their fault for freaking out the new students!"
This drew several confused stares from the rest of the table's occupants. Why was this girl talking to and hitting herself? Was there a house for violent schizophrenics here? "Oh shut up, RekiChan." "You first, Anne."
"So..what's your name?", Nny asked, trying to calm the confusion in his head to the level where it didn't lead to involuntary head explody.
"RekiChan."
"Then why were you just calling yourself Anne?"
"I am Anne."
"BUT YOU JUST SAID YOUR NAME WAS REKI CHAN TWO SECONDS AGO!!"
"I am RekiChan. Just ignore Anne. She's my evil, psychotic other personality." "Wow. I never knew they could switch that fast."
"Shut up RekiChan. Why do you always have to talk so much?" "Me? You always use your turn with the brain to go on these long, meandering soliloquies so I never get a chance to say anything!" "And what were you just doing now? Huh? Huh?!"
The pressure in everyone's heads was building like an over shaken can of soda when all of a sudden.
*Pop* *Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh* The head of a girl removed itself from her body and went flying straight through the window, up over the trees and lakes, finally landing in a little kid's sandbox somewhere in Japan.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! MOMMY!!! SOME GIRL'S HEAD JUST LANDED IN MY SANDBOX!!!! IT'S GOING TO EAT ME WITH TOAST!!"
"Um.I guess I'm somewhere near the Pacific Ocean.", the head said to itself as it crawled along on some type of cord either spinal or from the throat and waded into the ocean, hoping the currents at some point would bring it back to its body, now known as Headless Evil Junini.
And so the feast finished and Professor Membrane made his start of term speech. Squeegee and Nny were too tired to listen to the whole thing, which in length when recited rivaled that of the Iliad (24 hours). But they did catch something about "beware the crappy foreshadowing as displayed in my mention of anyone who goes in the third floor corridor being eaten by a three headed dog named Fluffy, unless of course they lull him to sleep with music."
Finally it was time to be led to their new dorms by Nny's cocky Prefect sort of brother. They had to hurry before Happy Noodle Peeves began his nightly rave as he roamed the halls entertaining himself with whatever the music and strobe lights in his head told him to do. This usually wasn't good for anyone he ran into, as those influences were eerily reminiscent of Shmee.
"Flibbergibet", he stated almost proudly before the portrait of the morbidly obese lady in the pink dress. "Come on, hurry up before she eats you!" The first years climbed past the picture, which closed on Percy.
"I'm not letting you in until you apologize for that."
"Oh come on. It was just a joke necessary to reign in the underclassmen!"
"Do you think that I have no feelings at all?"
"You're a painting. Logic would say no."
"How about I leave you out here for the night. That'll show you logic!" She left in a fury, possibly to get a sword from one of the other paintings or simply to escape the conversation.
"*sigh* I'm SO reporting her when she gets back. And if she doesn't, well, how bad can it be out here? There's only ghosts and monsters and Professor Noodletwin roaming the halls."
He drifted off into a light sleep around midnight, waking to find that the lady in the portrait was still gone, though he thought he caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of another picture.
"That's odd. Why did I wake up now?"
There was no reason other than a thumping sound, sort of like a base drum that created ripples in a glass of water that had recently appeared out of nowhere.
*thump* *ripple*
*thump* *ripple*
*thump* *ripple*
He noticed it got louder and more frequent with every sound, until it sped up to 140 beats per minute and made its source visible. Happy Noodle Peeves made his way down the hallway with a boombox blasting the Strong Bad Techno Song on his shoulder along with a baseball bat with which he was banging on the floor to mimic the sound of a bass drum. Percy pressed himself flat against the wall, hoping he wouldn't be seen. As it the custom in most fantasy stories, hope gives way to dismal failure. Happy Noodle Peeves stopped, turned to him, and with a malicious grin took out an arsenal of glowsticks whose purpose was not yet known, but couldn't have been good.
Percy screamed in a final act of desperation before Happy Noodle Peeves was upon him. "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!"
Wow! I haven't updated since before summer vacation! Damn I'm lazy! I'm sorry for the delay and I will try to update with less time gaps between future chapters. Fanfiction.net won't let me upload links, so just go to homestarrunner.com to the Strong Bad Techno Song in downloads to get what is possibly the worst, yet funniest techno song ever made.
Chapter 7: The Sucking Hat
From the train, Squeegee, Nny, Devi and a bunch of other little lizards in identical clown suits were standing in front of a huge castle's door next to It.
"How did we get here if we were just on the train?", Squeegee asked.
"Maybe it has something to do with that." Devi pointed at a gaping white hole behind them labeled "PLOT HOLE". It was neat! Nny rolled his eyes, annoyed at a simple thing that had permanently labeled Devi as a nerd. At least until the story is over. It knocked on the door to the tune of "Girl All the Bad Guys Want" by Bowling for Soup. The would be students started moshing and one fell off a cliff, died and was reincarnated as a cat.
Finally, someone answered the door. "Hello, I'm Professor Verycheesy and I'm head of Gryffyndor and I hope to see some of you in my house and come with me so you can be sorted by the Sucking Hat." In one breath, an exhausted and somewhat disheveled looking woman gave a crappy and confusing explanation of he houses at Pigspots. It chuckled as if he knew something that they did not as Verycheesy led them into an enormous hall with five tables. Four were filled with students and one had teachers sitting at it. In the front center was a stool with a very old looking hat on it.
Professor Verycheesy spoke to the first years as Professor Noodletwin, who had greasy red hair and a Shark Mark on her arm tried to sneak in without anyone noticing her. So all of the students went to the front of the Great Hall so they could weed out the ones that would die of fear and nervousness if they were for some reason forced to sit in front of a crowd of students while a talking hat whispers things in their ears. Fortunately only one died. She choked on her own vomit while getting stage fright in the bathroom. Just thought you needed to know that.
"Okay, Squeegee Casil is the only one anyone reading this really cares about, so let's just have him go first!", Professor Membrane announced, ignoring the fact that his son was in the incoming class. So Squee made his way up to the chair and put the grossly oversized hat on his head.
"AAAHHH!! Bug eyes! It's going to get me!", the hat whispered.
"Squee!"
"Just kidding, just kidding. But I know where you would fit in really nicely. Slytherin has lots of rabid fangirls and fanboys that are too insecure to stand on their own and will follow anyone remotely famous. Even if you did kill their former idol."
"But fangirls and fanboys are scary! And I don't want rabies!!"
"Okay, just a test. I was required to say that stuff for the sake of drama. As the ten thousand or so spoilers have indicated, you're in Gryffyndor!!"
The last word was said aloud to the entire hall, as was what Squeegee had said about Slytherins. This is going to be such a fun school year!
"Johnny C."
"GRYFFYNDOR!!"
"Devi D."
"GRYFFYNDOR!!"
"Neville.."
"Let's just make this quicker. ALL OF SQUEEGEE'S FRIENDS OR FUTURE FRIENDS ARE IN GRYFFYNDOR!!"
"That works too. So who's next?"
"Actually, let's just get this over with. All the greasy haired, rat faced, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named worshipping scumbags go to Slytherin. All the book worms who can quote Star Trek without the scripts go to Ravenclaw. Then everyone who doesn't fit in with any of those categories *coughloserscough* go to Hufflepuff!"
The students separated themselves amongst the four tables in surprisingly equal numbers given the method of selection and commenced pigging out on food that magically appeared on their plates.
"SQUEE!! There's stuff! It wasn't there but now it is!!"
"How did you get into Gryffyndor in the first place?" The girl, also a first year who said that slapped herself for apparently no reason. "Don't you talk like that to him! It's their fault for freaking out the new students!"
This drew several confused stares from the rest of the table's occupants. Why was this girl talking to and hitting herself? Was there a house for violent schizophrenics here? "Oh shut up, RekiChan." "You first, Anne."
"So..what's your name?", Nny asked, trying to calm the confusion in his head to the level where it didn't lead to involuntary head explody.
"RekiChan."
"Then why were you just calling yourself Anne?"
"I am Anne."
"BUT YOU JUST SAID YOUR NAME WAS REKI CHAN TWO SECONDS AGO!!"
"I am RekiChan. Just ignore Anne. She's my evil, psychotic other personality." "Wow. I never knew they could switch that fast."
"Shut up RekiChan. Why do you always have to talk so much?" "Me? You always use your turn with the brain to go on these long, meandering soliloquies so I never get a chance to say anything!" "And what were you just doing now? Huh? Huh?!"
The pressure in everyone's heads was building like an over shaken can of soda when all of a sudden.
*Pop* *Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh* The head of a girl removed itself from her body and went flying straight through the window, up over the trees and lakes, finally landing in a little kid's sandbox somewhere in Japan.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! MOMMY!!! SOME GIRL'S HEAD JUST LANDED IN MY SANDBOX!!!! IT'S GOING TO EAT ME WITH TOAST!!"
"Um.I guess I'm somewhere near the Pacific Ocean.", the head said to itself as it crawled along on some type of cord either spinal or from the throat and waded into the ocean, hoping the currents at some point would bring it back to its body, now known as Headless Evil Junini.
And so the feast finished and Professor Membrane made his start of term speech. Squeegee and Nny were too tired to listen to the whole thing, which in length when recited rivaled that of the Iliad (24 hours). But they did catch something about "beware the crappy foreshadowing as displayed in my mention of anyone who goes in the third floor corridor being eaten by a three headed dog named Fluffy, unless of course they lull him to sleep with music."
Finally it was time to be led to their new dorms by Nny's cocky Prefect sort of brother. They had to hurry before Happy Noodle Peeves began his nightly rave as he roamed the halls entertaining himself with whatever the music and strobe lights in his head told him to do. This usually wasn't good for anyone he ran into, as those influences were eerily reminiscent of Shmee.
"Flibbergibet", he stated almost proudly before the portrait of the morbidly obese lady in the pink dress. "Come on, hurry up before she eats you!" The first years climbed past the picture, which closed on Percy.
"I'm not letting you in until you apologize for that."
"Oh come on. It was just a joke necessary to reign in the underclassmen!"
"Do you think that I have no feelings at all?"
"You're a painting. Logic would say no."
"How about I leave you out here for the night. That'll show you logic!" She left in a fury, possibly to get a sword from one of the other paintings or simply to escape the conversation.
"*sigh* I'm SO reporting her when she gets back. And if she doesn't, well, how bad can it be out here? There's only ghosts and monsters and Professor Noodletwin roaming the halls."
He drifted off into a light sleep around midnight, waking to find that the lady in the portrait was still gone, though he thought he caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of another picture.
"That's odd. Why did I wake up now?"
There was no reason other than a thumping sound, sort of like a base drum that created ripples in a glass of water that had recently appeared out of nowhere.
*thump* *ripple*
*thump* *ripple*
*thump* *ripple*
He noticed it got louder and more frequent with every sound, until it sped up to 140 beats per minute and made its source visible. Happy Noodle Peeves made his way down the hallway with a boombox blasting the Strong Bad Techno Song on his shoulder along with a baseball bat with which he was banging on the floor to mimic the sound of a bass drum. Percy pressed himself flat against the wall, hoping he wouldn't be seen. As it the custom in most fantasy stories, hope gives way to dismal failure. Happy Noodle Peeves stopped, turned to him, and with a malicious grin took out an arsenal of glowsticks whose purpose was not yet known, but couldn't have been good.
Percy screamed in a final act of desperation before Happy Noodle Peeves was upon him. "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!"
Wow! I haven't updated since before summer vacation! Damn I'm lazy! I'm sorry for the delay and I will try to update with less time gaps between future chapters. Fanfiction.net won't let me upload links, so just go to homestarrunner.com to the Strong Bad Techno Song in downloads to get what is possibly the worst, yet funniest techno song ever made.