Date finished: 18 September 2003
Title: Unconditional
Series: Saiyuki
Pairing: Sanzo + Hakkai for now
Category: Angst
Status: 1/?
Warning: PG-13 for the language and shounen-ai.
A/N: I only wanted to write angst again, and a Sanzo-angst at that. Okay, so this is not really angst all the way, but more of a Sanzo-torture. (And like a certain someone had said, one occasionally writes to satisfy himself/herself. This happens to be one of those times.)
'—denotes thoughts—' || /—denotes emphasis—/
Standard disclaimers apply.
===========
"Unconditional"by Fall
Chapter 1 – "Distortion"
If there was one thing that Sanzo hated the most, it was sympathy. He had long ago learned that sympathy was offered to someone who was weak and helpless. That it was offered as a consolation to someone pathetic.
/Pathetic/ was his term, because both the giver and the receiver thinks that sympathy could ease the pain, when in reality, it was nothing but empty words given when none should be said.
And Genjo Sanzo believes that he isn't weak, helpless, or pathetic. He might have been all of it in the distant past, but he had changed a lot since then. He had grown up to be someone strong; someone self-reliant; he had even grown up to become a highly respected monk. He doesn't deserve to be given compassion, not in the present, not even when the givers meant it.
"I am /not/ weak. I refuse to be one!" He muttered angrily, gripping the bed sheet tightly. But no matter how many times he repeated that to himself, no matter how loud he spoke them, it never eased the unidentifiable feeling that he carried.
It was something that he had been trying to bury down, something that he had vainly tried to kill and forget. Maybe he would have succeeded, if only his companions knew better than to direct their sympathy at him.
The crimson haired baka never spoke a word about the monk's condition, but his actions gave him away. Just this morning, he had asked if Sanzo would like to know what's in the newspaper because if the monk wanted, Gojyo can read it for him.
"What do you want?" Sanzo had snapped, as soon as the kappa had entered the room.
"I have today's newspaper," Gojyo had said, waving the sheet as he spoke.
"So?"
"So? I took the trouble to get you one. Woke up early just to get it. Extra special edition, the boy told me. I was lucky to have a copy because it was selling like hotcakes and all that. The early bird gets the early worm after all."
"If you're here to brag about your childish achievements, I'm not impressed." When Gojyo did not reply, he added, "Go and find someone else stupid enough to recognize your stupid /abilities/."
"Teme—" Gojyo started to say, but simply swallowed his words and silently counted to ten before he spoke again. "Do you want to know what's in the news today? I can read the whole lot if you want to."
It wasn't meant to be insulting, but Sanzo decided to take his words like that. In fact, he also decided that the kappa wasn't only insulting him—he was also annoying him with the best of his abilities. Which wasn't true of course.
"Get out." He gritted through his teeth, fixing the half-breed with his trademark glare. He saw a fleeting emotion pass through the crimson eyes that stared back at him, before its owner finally broke contact and left without a word.
"You're enjoying this aren't you?" He hissed at Gojyo's retreating form. He hated the nagging thing at the back of his mind that said the kappa no baka was only being sympathetic, in the way he knew how to be.
===
As if he wasn't tormented enough, the baka saru had to offer to /feed/ him.
"Ohayo, Sanzo," Goku had called cheerfully into the room, despite the obvious worry that was etched on his countenance. He was transparent with his emotions, giving it away all at once with his big golden eyes.
"What do you want?"
It was obvious that Goku had wanted to bring his breakfast in, and that Sanzo had been sarcastic with his tone, but the boy didn't realize that. "I'm here to bring you your breakfast."
"Leave it there on the table."
"I won't! Because if I leave it here, I know you wouldn't eat it." Goku had said, arranging the viands neatly on the side table. "Here, Sanzo. This one's good, and the cook said it was nutritious too. I had asked Hakkai what kind would help you get better, and he said that—"
"Urusai!" Sanzo had suddenly said, slapping the dish that Goku was holding close to his face.
"Demo, Sanzo, you need to eat!" Goku had protested, not knowing when to give up. "Here, I'll have to feed you if you can't do it…yourself."
And the poor boy had fallen silent when a hand flew up to slap his hand away. He never even spoke a word as Sanzo swiped the rest of the dishes off the table, sending it flying across the room, smashing when it came in contact with the wall. He had only given Sanzo a miserable look before letting out a small sob.
"Leave me alone!" Sanzo had snapped, not wanting to see the sympathy that shone so brightly in big golden eyes.
He had turned his head away, feigning a look of contempt when he heard two pairs of feet running to reach the room. He had heard Hakkai's voice gently prodding Goku to quietly leave the room, and whispering to Gojyo to take the boy with him.
===
Hakkai. The emerald-eyed youkai was overdoing his gentle act, often watching Sanzo for the barest of his movements. His generic smile would always be in place, only faltering at times to give way to his worry when he thinks Sanzo wasn't watching.
"Sanzo," Hakkai had said gently, as he cleaned up the mess. "Don't bring it out on Goku—he was only trying to take care of you."
"Like /spoon feeding/ me as he would do to an invalid?" Sanzo had said bitterly, then adding as he realized the amount of bitterness evident in that statement. "I can feed myself dammit."
"Sanzo, just please understand him. I think you've hurt his feelings for now, but he'll forget it just as soon. Don't lash out at him again."
"Do you think I'm so depressed that I need to take it out on the saru?" He had snapped, not liking the way this conversation was going.
"No, Sanzo. I was merely saying that Goku doesn't deserve this kind of reaction, he's too sensitive." Hakkai had said, smiling sadly. "Gojyo doesn't too, but then he can cope better than Goku with this temper of yours."
Sanzo had waited to hear Hakkai's chuckle that so often accompanied similar words like this, but it never came. What he had heard instead was a disturbing sigh and the words, "I know how you feel, Sanzo. Even if you wouldn't believe me, I do understand what you are going through."
The thought 'Perhaps even more than I do' had briefly passed across Sanzo's mind as he had wordlessly watched Hakkai leave the room. He couldn't explain it, but the emerald-eyed youkai's words bothered him more than it should.
===
He was getting sick of all these attentions, of the constant worrying over him, of his being treated as if he were an invalid. It was worse than when they fussed over him during rainy nights, or when he was wounded. At least with those instances he didn't have to deal with three pairs of eyes that constantly looked for ways to hide their anxiety but failed miserably.
He raised his hand to his eyes and gazed at it, gazed at the hazy vision of his hand. He closed his eyes and opened it again, moving his head to face the wall where the food had smashed into earlier. Where there should be a stain that marked where it had hit was a blurry speck of some unidentifiable substance. He squinted and tried to view it in different angles, but the speck remained a speck and nothing more. Immensely annoyed, he automatically groped for his gun at the side table, as he always did whenever he felt the need to assure himself of something.
But he didn't find it. Uttering a curse, he remembered that Hakkai had locked it away, along with his fan and sutra, saying that he should only rest and avoid strenuous activities.
"I don't need to be treated like an invalid," He remembered saying to Hakkai just last night. "And I certainly don't need to stay in bed."
Hakkai had smiled gently, but the smile didn't reach his emerald eyes. "Gomen ne, Sanzo. I know you don't want to, but the doctor instructed us to take care of you."
"What the hell for?" He had snapped, watching with a twisted relish the sight of Hakkai flinching with his next words. "I am going to be blind in a matter of time. What's the use of hovering over me as if it would help?" There he had said it, he had said what has been bothering him from the time his eyesight had failed him for a few moments.
"Because we want to help you, Sanzo," Hakkai had said, speaking gently but firmly. "We want to help you because we don't want to see you like this."
"Then leave me alone if you don't want to see me like this, damn it!"
"Sanzo, if you don't want to help yourself, we couldn't do anything about it. But then," Hakkai eyed him solemnly, emerald eyes boring a hole through amethyst ones. "I won't let you lose your eyesight. Even if I have to force you into staying still to avoid further damages to your eyes, I will do it. I don't want to spend the rest of my life having another memory of something that I could have prevented."
He pretended he hadn't heard a word and didn't look when Hakkai left the room.
===
The circumstances that led to this was nothing new. They were riding through the woods when a group of youkai assassins suddenly appeared and blocked their way. Hakkai had made an accurate measurement of their number to be at a mere one hundred youkais. Each of them had killed off any that they could reach, with Gojyo grumbling about having his morning wasted in fighting off with the stupid assassins, and Goku whining about how hungry he was getting with each youkai that impales itself on his nyoibou.
And then when they thought it was all over, one more youkai suddenly appeared out of nowhere and attacked Sanzo from behind. Goku was the first one to warn him, and the monk quickly reacted by shifting his vision to fire his gun at the oncoming attack. There was a sudden brief flash of light and everything around him turned into a hazy cloud of nothingness. In his surprise, he did not fire his gun. He heard someone shout his name out, and then the dying cry of the youkai—but he didn't care, for an intense throbbing in his head suddenly besieged him. As he fell to his knees, he felt someone pulling him up and assisting him to somewhere, probably to Jiipu, because when his vision cleared moments later, he saw Goku supporting him upright. He insisted to be let go, which abrupt movement made his head throb again. Hakkai made a polite but stern order from the front for him to please stay still until they reach the village and find a doctor. There was no arguing when Hakkai used that tone, and besides, his head was hurting so much he couldn't properly retort something to defy it.
By the time they had reached the village, it was nearly dark. Or perhaps it was only in Sanzo's eyes that he thought it was dark. They quickly lodged in the first inn they found, taking the two available rooms without any argument whatsoever. The next thing that he knew, he was sitting in a room with a doctor examining him. Hakkai, Gojyo, and Goku hovered over on the side, each having a varying degree of worry evident on their faces. Whatever Hakkai had told them while the doctor was examining him, he could only guess to be something idiotic about his condition.
He was very much annoyed with the way the doctor pursed his lips back and shook his head when he beckoned to have an audience with Hakkai. Gojyo simply followed them out, leaving Goku to look over Sanzo. The boy looked like he was about to cry when he asked Sanzo what he thinks is wrong with himself. Sanzo resisted the urge to whack the boy's head over with his harisen, resorting instead to gruffly pointing out that they wouldn't have needed a doctor if he could diagnose his own self. And as Goku repeatedly asked him if he was feeling okay, he in turn tuned out the gnawing sense that there /was/ something wrong with him.
As soon as Hakkai and Gojyo entered the room, however, his attempts completely failed him. Despite the brave effort of both, strains of worry seeped through their facades and prompted Sanzo to force the truth out of them.
"It's nothing serious, Sanzo. You only need to rest for a few days, and everything would be fine." Hakkai had said, smiling his generic smile that did not fool anyone but Goku.
The latter smiled and told Sanzo cheerfully, "Ne Sanzo, you're going to be alright after all! Yatta!"
Gojyo on his part, forced himself to grin and say, "Yeah, there was nothing wrong with the corrupt monk—just got a bit out of breath. With a skinny physique like that, it's a wonder he hasn't collapsed out before from the sheer pressure of /walking/ around." But his grin didn't reach his eyes, and his tone did not contain the usual sneer that normally accompanied it, that the words appeared as a disastrous attempt to lighten up the mood.
"Gojyo!" Goku admonished, kicking Gojyo in the shins. "Don't tease Sanzo when he's not well to defend himself!"
"Itai! Why you little—" Gojyo snarled, clutching the part where Goku's foot had hit him. He gave the boy a good whack on his forehead in return.
"Don't lie to me," Sanzo hissed low enough for Goku not to hear amidst the squabbling he was having with Gojyo. He directed a glare at Hakkai, who simply separated the two apart and told them in his usual manner not to fight in front of Sanzo because the noise would deprive him of the rest that he needs.
And Hakkai understood, as he usually does. After requesting Gojyo to take Goku out to eat, he pulled a chair next to the bed and eyed Sanzo squarely.
"You have an idea, don't you?" Hakkai started, letting out a sigh. "Is there even a need for me to put it into words?"
"I'm going blind," Sanzo spat out flatly. "I'm slowly going blind, and it'll only be a matter of time before my sight fully goes out."
Hakkai did not flinch in surprise; if ever he was surprised, he didn't show it in the least. "You knew then. You should have told me when you were having episodes of vertigo and blanking out."
"I should have warned you so you could have disposed of me earlier? You of all people should know that I myself have no wish to be dependent on anyone."
"Sanzo," Hakkai said patiently, knowing that the monk often got irritable when it came to topics like this. "I'm not saying you will be a burden to us. I was only saying that you should have told me that you have suspected something like this. We could have done something to cure it then."
"Tell you in what terms? 'Hakkai, I think I'm going blind. Go get a doctor, quick.' Do you have any idea how—" And Sanzo stopped abruptly, biting his lower lip. He was disgusted at the thought that he'd almost whined like some weak human. For damnation's sake, he was Genjo Sanzo, and Genjo Sanzo would never voice out his emotion, even if it kills him.
"Sanzo—"
"Urusai! Leave me alone!"
"Demo, San—"
"I said shut the hell up and leave me alone!" He closed his eyes and pursed his lips into a thin line. He waited until he heard the door being closed.
"Kudaran." He bit out to no one in particular.
===========
End Chapter One.
===========
Further A/N: Sanzo's eye condition would be named in the next chapters. This was too long, I know. Expect the next chapters to be as long as well. (My fifth multi-part. Hopefully the first of them that I would be able to complete.)
Constructive comments and criticisms are welcome.