"Pirates of The Caribbean Who Don't Do Anything"; to the tune of the VeggieTales song, "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.
[RANDOM PIRATE SHIP ON A RANDOM OCEAN, EVERYONE ON IT, NAMELY PIRATES OF ALL SORTS, LOOKING EXTREMELY BORED. RANDOM ACCORDIAN AND FLUTE MUSIC STARTS. ENTER GENERIC PIRATE.]
GENERIC PIRATE:
And now it's time for singing with pirates, yarr; the part of the movie where central characters come out for a shanty. Or something close. Joining Captain Sparrow are Captain Barbossa and Will Turner, who together make up the infamous band of whacked-out scallywags, the Pirates-Who-Don't-Do-Anything-But-At-Least-They-Put-The-Effort-In.
ALL:
We are the pirates who don't do anything, we just stand here, and sail around, we make bad jokes, and one of us smokes, and so basically--
WILL:
We don't do anything! Avast! [VOICE CRACKS]
JACK [HOLDING A BOTTLE OF RUM]:
Well I've never saved a damsel, and I've never worn a ship sail, and I've never buried treasure but I'd gladly take it all, and I used to sail the Black Pearl, and motion still makes me hurl and I've never been to England in the fall!
ALL:
Cause we're the pirates who don't do anything, we just stand here, and sail around, we have shiny swords, and like to smuggle hoards, and so logically...
JACK:
We don't do anything! [HICCUPS AND FALLS OVER]
BARBOSSA [MUNCHING AN APPLE]:
And I've never tasted apples, and I've never caused a mutiny, and I've never been a good guy 'cause that gig
is not my call, and I don't know proper grammar, and I'm really kinda mangy and I've never been to England in the fall!
ALL:
Cause we're the pirates who don't do anything, we just stand here, and sail around, we like gold things, and we wear many rings, so as you can see... We don't do anything!
WILL [WEARING A BIG FEATHERY HAT]:
Well, I've never liked the ocean, and I want to kill a pirate, and I love that 'Lizabeth chick for no good reason at all, and I've never gotten scurvy, and I'm not a wanted criminal, and I've never been to England in the fall!
JACK [SITTING UP]:
Huh? What are you kidding me?! If you've never had scurvy then how can you possibly be a pirate?!
BARBOSSA [GETTING ANGRY]:
Hey, that's right! How did YOU get on our piratey ship?!
WILL [SHRUGGS]:
I don't know.
BARBOSSA:
And who wants to kill a pirate? That's just nonsense! Why even bring it up?! Am I right? Jack, what do you think?
JACK [TOTALLY DRUNK]:
I think you look like Captain Crunch!
BARBOSSA [CONFUSED]:
Huh? No I don't!
JACK [INCHING CLOSER]:
Do too!
BARBOSSA [NERVOUS]:
Do not!
JACK [DROOLING]:
You're making me hungry.
[MEANWHILE, WILL IS INCHING AWAY...]
BARBOSSA:
Argh! That's it, you're walking the plank!
JACK:
Says who?
BARBOSSA:
Says the Captain, that's who!
JACK [LOOKING AROUND AND LAUGHING]:
Oh yeah? Aye aye, Captain Crunch! Hee hee hee!
BARBOSSA:
Aarrgh! [TACKLES JACK]
JACK:
Yikes! [RUNS AWAY]
WILL:
And I've never licked a codfish, and I never knew my father, and I was never in a war, or a battle or a brawl, and I know I'm not too subtle but I'd look real good in crotchpants...
BARBOSSA [SHAKING HIS HEAD]:
You just don't get it...
ALL [IN A BROADWAY-STYLE ENDING]:
And we've never been to England in the fall!
BARBOSSA:
Pass the fish!
[AS THE MUSIC ENDS, THEY DROP THEIR POSES AND START SCRATCHING THEIR BUTTOCKS AND BELCHING. EVERYTHING GOES BACK TO NORMAL, RANDOM PIRATES START MOVING AROUND AGAIN.]
BARBOSSA:
Who's got my stolen gold??
WILL [POINTING TO A GROUP OF PIRATES ROWING AWAY WITH A CHEST]:
There it is!
[JACK GRABBING ANOTHER RUM BOTTLE]:
Time for round 2!
BARBOSSA [TRYING TO SHOOT THE ESCAPING PIRATES]:
It's definitely time for better pistols...
JACK:
Ohh, I don't like this rum. [DRINKS IT ANYWAY]
WILL:
Hey look! I found some treasure! [PROUDLY DISPLAYS A MEDALLION]
[EVERY PIRATE ON THE SHIP TACKLES WILL FOR THE GOLD, CREATING A BIG HOLE IN THE SHIP, CAUSING IT TO SINK. THEY ARE IN SHALLOW WATER, AND ONLY THE FLAG ON TOP STICKS OUT.]
JACK [SURFACING]:
Stop blowing holes in my ship!
THE END.