As his team of eager mutants debated the benefits of carpet, Erik crept out
to make a phone call to the Brotherhood house. He hoped very much that they
had not had their phone disconnected as he didn't particularly fancy making
a visit and coming face to face with the perpetually irate Wanda.
He knew that somewhere along the line he'd have to make it up to Wanda like he had to Pietro, but he suspected that it would take more than a cabaret singing metallic mutant to break the ice. Whereas Pietro had always voiced his hatred for his father, Wanda preferred to express it through potentially life-threatening eruptions of power.
Using his rapidly expanding powers of insight, he presumed that his daughter would not be coming to the zoo tomorrow. As he dialled the number, he imagined all the possible scenarios if she did choose to come, his favourite being himself somehow ending up in the tiger enclosure smothered in barbecue sauce.
"Hello?" the uncertain voice of Lance Alvers rang out from the receiver. "Hello? Listen, you goddamn pervert, if you call here again I'll rip off your-"
"Hello, Lance," Erik interrupted as the boy ranted on.
"- and I'll wear them as earrings- Magneto?"
"Yes. Lance, I have a little proposition to make. Pietro has told you that I've seen the errors of my ways?"
Lance nodded, before realising that gestures normally went unnoticed in telephone calls.
"Er, yeah," he said.
"Then perhaps you would allow me to treat you and the rest of the Brotherhood to a day trip tomorrow?"
Lance blinked in response, then noting the silence of the line realised that verbal communication was probably more accurate.
"Er, yeah," he repeated, not really sure that a day trip with Magneto was the best idea after all. "Where?"
"Pietro said something about a zoo," Erik said thoughtfully, a faint tinge of amusement in his voice.
" A zoo?" Even with his best efforts, Lance could not control the childish excitement in his voice. "Sweet! Er," he added, remembering that he was Avalanche, The Cool One. "Yeah. That's cool, y'know?"
So, after giving the 'terminally cool' boy the details of their expedition, Erik hung up the phone with a small intuition that tomorrow was going to be very, very interesting.
*
True to his word, Erik arrived at the Brotherhood house at seven thirty the next morning to find Lance, his amphibian friend and the appropriately named Blob dressed and ready for their trip. It did not surprise him that Wanda had refused to even consider his offer but he was secretly thankful. He had, after all, forgotten to watch that program on how to survive a rhinoceros attack last night.
It was staggering how accepting the three boys were of their old enemy. Erik himself would have been slightly wary if mankind's most powerful mutant had piled him into his travel sphere and claimed to be taking him to the zoo of all places, but the boys from the 'Hood seemed more than happy to follow him.
The journey to the zoo was reasonably long, and made even longer by the Toad's persistent singing. The boy's rendition of 'Jingle Bells, Batman Smells' continued for at least fifteen minutes, during which Lance was in danger of grinding his teeth down to the gums.
"Shut up, Todd!" he finally exploded. The truth was, the song embarrassed him. It was immeasurably childish and so very passé. He did not want to appear anything but sophisticated in front of Magneto.
"That song is so childish. God!"
Far from being impressed by the rock-tumbler's maturity, Erik flashed the Toad a smile and proceeded to teach him the slightly more risqué verses.
For the rest of the journey, the sphere rang with the melancholy lament of Uncle Billy's willy and Auntie Ruby's boobies; all lost on that fateful motorway.
*
Meanwhile, work at the Brotherhood house was underway. Sabretooth, Wolverine, Gambit and Pyro had chosen to do the big repairing jobs whilst Belinda, Mystique, Kurt, Rogue and Pietro had their hearts set on making the place look like a palace.
Even with a team of nine, it was unlikely that they could have finished the hugely demanding task of making the house fit for human habitation had it not been for the speed demon. They had found him to be extremely efficient and when left to run through the house with a paintbrush in hand, he could coat the walls of the entire building in precisely four minutes and fifty two seconds.
Pyro currently lay under the sink, tapping out a rhythm on the piping with a spanner. Nearby, Wolverine was assembling flat-pack furniture in a foul temper. It turned out that the instructions were all in some form of Scandinavian, and come to think of it, so was the description of what the item of furniture was supposed to be. As far as he knew, he was assembling a Fukty Vlørgon with the aid of a Schnöpperfussen.
Sabretooth and Gambit were installing two new bathrooms. They had gone through such terrible ordeals removing the old toilet that neither wished to speak of it.
As Kurt and Rogue hammered nails into a Bubeln-Grögge (they had decided that this was a shelving unit), their mother watched fretfully whilst painting the skirting boards. It was all too easy for one of her precious brood to injure themselves- hammers were hard and heavy and nails were sharp and pointy. Her ears were pricked up for the slightest cry of pain.
Belinda was assigned the task of welcoming the carpet fitters and making cups of tea for them. As they worked, she hung the decidedly unfeminine curtains after giving the windows a rigorous scrub.
Just like Erik, they were beginning to miracles unfold before their very eyes.
*
Any fears that the Brotherhood boys would not think much of their trip to the zoo had immediately been laid aside when they arrived. Erik had never seen faces light up in wonder quite like theirs and could have easily wept at how amazed they were to see 'real' animals.
He was now able to see that, much like himself, the boys had missed out on childhood. Today was a chance for all of them to release their inner children, and that is precisely what they did.
They ate sugary, sticky treats until no more could be consumed. Todd, being the youngest both mentally and physically, ate ice cream until he was copiously sick and then progressed to eat more.
When they passed a balloon seller, Erik purchased a balloon for each of them including himself. Lance, all efforts at being cool now dissolved by excitement, brandished his red balloon with pride, making smug faces at any children which had not been lucky enough to get one themselves.
They made faces at the monkeys and taught the parrots to say every rude word in the English language. It was strange enough to see an ageing man, a young punk, a hygienically challenged boy with a rather unhuman gait and an unbelievably vast teen together as it was, but the fact that they were all holding balloons and singing anthems better left to the playground made it an altogether more terrifying experience.
*
"Vic, can you pass me that Slagg?" Wolverine growled as he was met with Sabretooth's blank glare.
"Yeah, you've gotta turn the Frütt three times with a Nippi and then, um, hit it with a Slagg. No. Put a Slagg into it. No.."
Sabretooth sighed and took the instructions from the clawed one's hand, turning the piece of paper over silently and giving the other mutant a pointed look.
"Oh," was all the crestfallen Wolverine could reply. There, printed on the back of the bizarre Scandinavian instructions, was an English translation.
*
Erik picked happily at his candy floss, listening to Lance's tales of the Brotherhood. He had never known that Fred was a budding poet before, or that Pietro and Lance had once lost a bet to the X-Men and had to spend a week in women's clothes. Apparently, Pietro had made such a convincing lady that he became known around the neighbourhood as Petunia.
They had lost the other two boys a while ago, but were not overly concerned. Todd has a good sense of direction and it was more than likely that Fred was to be found watching the sea lions with whom he felt something of an affinity.
After he had grown bored of talking about his friends, Lance turned the conversation to Erik's massive change of heart. At first he had suspected that the super villain was Up To Something, but now fully believed that people could change for the better.
Erik told him all about his encounter with Xavier and how alien happiness had been to him at first. He gave lively accounts of how each life had been changed, finding himself and Lance rocking with hysterical laughter at the thought of Colossus with metallic mammaries. He described the swelling of pride in his chest with every act of benevolence and found tears forming in his eyes. And had those tears not been threatening to fall already, Lance's next statement would certainly have done the trick.
"I don't want to be a vandal anymore!" the rock-tumbler proclaimed grandly. "No more graffiti or petty crime for me. I want.. I want to be good, like you. I want to make people happy!"
Erik simply held his arms open, thinking it a little too dramatic to say 'Come into the light, my son'. The reformed punk and the ex-most threatening mutant embraced, and once again, Erik felt that powerful surge of pure joy run through his veins.
*
"It's- so- beautiful!" gasped Mystique between sobs as the team stood back to look at the new Brotherhood house.
It was hard to believe that they were looking at the same building they had been sent to that morning. Whereas once they were standing in front of a rundown, old shack they were now observing what could be more aptly described as a palace. Not only did it look amazing but it had running water in hot and cold and perfect electricity. All bills would now be paid for by a certain Mr. Lehnsherr and it was agreed that the Brotherhood would live like kings.
"And queens," reminded Rogue, thinking of Wanda.
They were waiting for that metallic sphere to appear in the sky, bringing the boys to their lovely surprise. A long dispute was taking place over what should be shouted when they arrived, whether it was to be 'Surprise!', 'Welcome home!' or Pyro's rather strange choice of 'Happy Hanukkah!' (it was the middle of June).
Suddenly, a long blue finger pointed up to the sky and Kurt let out an excited cry. Mystique clutched his arm, trembling as the travel sphere slowly descended on to the lawn.
"Surp'- 'come home-'nnukah!" came their strange jumbled cry as the three boys and Erik climbed out of their means of travel.
A string of expletives from the Brotherhood boys followed as they stared at their house in amazement. Toad actually looked close to fainting and grabbed onto his team-mates for dear life.
"You.. Bastards!" cried Lance in ecstasy, pointing a shaky finger at them.
"You think that's good, have a look indoors," grinned Gambit, whose girlfriend flashed an identical saccharine smile.
The boys were lost for words as they saw their new kitchen, new walls, new carpets, new bathrooms and new furniture. They couldn't recognise this house from their old one. It was so much better, cleaner and 'shinier' as the Blob claimed.
When they were sure that Mystique was not looking, Kurt and Rogue showed the boys a little feature they had installed. Down in the basement there was now a bar, some large plush sofas and a massive stereo. Kurt had even thoughtfully placed a neon flamingo on the wall as he believed that no bar was complete without one.
"Well?" Mystique asked anxiously after placing a none-too-reluctant Todd on her lap. "Do you like it?"
"Like it?" the amphibian replied with a rather lecherous smile. He wasn't quite sure whether she meant the house or her lap, but either way he was very much enjoying the view.
"It's the best thing anyone's ever done for us," Fred muttered to his shoes, being a Blob of few words.
"You guys rock!" added Lance, who had one arm around Pietro and the other around Rogue.
Pietro made a small squeaking noise, and suddenly zipped off, leaving Lance rather confused. He appeared a second later with a small, hand-painted sign.
"Can't believe we forgot this," he said, holding it up for all to see. The sign read 'Beware Of The Toad'.
"For the door," he added as the Toad in question promptly burst into tears of joy.
That night, it was not only Erik who was feeling the wonderful benefits of goodwill. His grand team of nine now knew that the secret to happiness was the joy of others and watching the three ex-delinquents marvel at their amazing new headquarters was enough to make even the coldest heart melt.
"To happiness," exclaimed Erik as he raised his champagne glass. His glass was promptly met with twelve others and the room rang with cheers and shouts.
"To happiness!"
-
-I've used the good old British version of 'Jingle Bells, Batman Smells' as I don't know the American one so just in case you're not familiar with it the lyrics are below.
Jingle bells, Batman smells Robin flew away (person with name that rhymes with crude body part) lost his/her (crude body part) On the motorway!
The chapter title comes from a half-forgotten song from my childhood entitled "Daddy's Taking Us to the Zoo Tomorrow", which, in my memory, is very repetitive and consists solely of those words.-
He knew that somewhere along the line he'd have to make it up to Wanda like he had to Pietro, but he suspected that it would take more than a cabaret singing metallic mutant to break the ice. Whereas Pietro had always voiced his hatred for his father, Wanda preferred to express it through potentially life-threatening eruptions of power.
Using his rapidly expanding powers of insight, he presumed that his daughter would not be coming to the zoo tomorrow. As he dialled the number, he imagined all the possible scenarios if she did choose to come, his favourite being himself somehow ending up in the tiger enclosure smothered in barbecue sauce.
"Hello?" the uncertain voice of Lance Alvers rang out from the receiver. "Hello? Listen, you goddamn pervert, if you call here again I'll rip off your-"
"Hello, Lance," Erik interrupted as the boy ranted on.
"- and I'll wear them as earrings- Magneto?"
"Yes. Lance, I have a little proposition to make. Pietro has told you that I've seen the errors of my ways?"
Lance nodded, before realising that gestures normally went unnoticed in telephone calls.
"Er, yeah," he said.
"Then perhaps you would allow me to treat you and the rest of the Brotherhood to a day trip tomorrow?"
Lance blinked in response, then noting the silence of the line realised that verbal communication was probably more accurate.
"Er, yeah," he repeated, not really sure that a day trip with Magneto was the best idea after all. "Where?"
"Pietro said something about a zoo," Erik said thoughtfully, a faint tinge of amusement in his voice.
" A zoo?" Even with his best efforts, Lance could not control the childish excitement in his voice. "Sweet! Er," he added, remembering that he was Avalanche, The Cool One. "Yeah. That's cool, y'know?"
So, after giving the 'terminally cool' boy the details of their expedition, Erik hung up the phone with a small intuition that tomorrow was going to be very, very interesting.
*
True to his word, Erik arrived at the Brotherhood house at seven thirty the next morning to find Lance, his amphibian friend and the appropriately named Blob dressed and ready for their trip. It did not surprise him that Wanda had refused to even consider his offer but he was secretly thankful. He had, after all, forgotten to watch that program on how to survive a rhinoceros attack last night.
It was staggering how accepting the three boys were of their old enemy. Erik himself would have been slightly wary if mankind's most powerful mutant had piled him into his travel sphere and claimed to be taking him to the zoo of all places, but the boys from the 'Hood seemed more than happy to follow him.
The journey to the zoo was reasonably long, and made even longer by the Toad's persistent singing. The boy's rendition of 'Jingle Bells, Batman Smells' continued for at least fifteen minutes, during which Lance was in danger of grinding his teeth down to the gums.
"Shut up, Todd!" he finally exploded. The truth was, the song embarrassed him. It was immeasurably childish and so very passé. He did not want to appear anything but sophisticated in front of Magneto.
"That song is so childish. God!"
Far from being impressed by the rock-tumbler's maturity, Erik flashed the Toad a smile and proceeded to teach him the slightly more risqué verses.
For the rest of the journey, the sphere rang with the melancholy lament of Uncle Billy's willy and Auntie Ruby's boobies; all lost on that fateful motorway.
*
Meanwhile, work at the Brotherhood house was underway. Sabretooth, Wolverine, Gambit and Pyro had chosen to do the big repairing jobs whilst Belinda, Mystique, Kurt, Rogue and Pietro had their hearts set on making the place look like a palace.
Even with a team of nine, it was unlikely that they could have finished the hugely demanding task of making the house fit for human habitation had it not been for the speed demon. They had found him to be extremely efficient and when left to run through the house with a paintbrush in hand, he could coat the walls of the entire building in precisely four minutes and fifty two seconds.
Pyro currently lay under the sink, tapping out a rhythm on the piping with a spanner. Nearby, Wolverine was assembling flat-pack furniture in a foul temper. It turned out that the instructions were all in some form of Scandinavian, and come to think of it, so was the description of what the item of furniture was supposed to be. As far as he knew, he was assembling a Fukty Vlørgon with the aid of a Schnöpperfussen.
Sabretooth and Gambit were installing two new bathrooms. They had gone through such terrible ordeals removing the old toilet that neither wished to speak of it.
As Kurt and Rogue hammered nails into a Bubeln-Grögge (they had decided that this was a shelving unit), their mother watched fretfully whilst painting the skirting boards. It was all too easy for one of her precious brood to injure themselves- hammers were hard and heavy and nails were sharp and pointy. Her ears were pricked up for the slightest cry of pain.
Belinda was assigned the task of welcoming the carpet fitters and making cups of tea for them. As they worked, she hung the decidedly unfeminine curtains after giving the windows a rigorous scrub.
Just like Erik, they were beginning to miracles unfold before their very eyes.
*
Any fears that the Brotherhood boys would not think much of their trip to the zoo had immediately been laid aside when they arrived. Erik had never seen faces light up in wonder quite like theirs and could have easily wept at how amazed they were to see 'real' animals.
He was now able to see that, much like himself, the boys had missed out on childhood. Today was a chance for all of them to release their inner children, and that is precisely what they did.
They ate sugary, sticky treats until no more could be consumed. Todd, being the youngest both mentally and physically, ate ice cream until he was copiously sick and then progressed to eat more.
When they passed a balloon seller, Erik purchased a balloon for each of them including himself. Lance, all efforts at being cool now dissolved by excitement, brandished his red balloon with pride, making smug faces at any children which had not been lucky enough to get one themselves.
They made faces at the monkeys and taught the parrots to say every rude word in the English language. It was strange enough to see an ageing man, a young punk, a hygienically challenged boy with a rather unhuman gait and an unbelievably vast teen together as it was, but the fact that they were all holding balloons and singing anthems better left to the playground made it an altogether more terrifying experience.
*
"Vic, can you pass me that Slagg?" Wolverine growled as he was met with Sabretooth's blank glare.
"Yeah, you've gotta turn the Frütt three times with a Nippi and then, um, hit it with a Slagg. No. Put a Slagg into it. No.."
Sabretooth sighed and took the instructions from the clawed one's hand, turning the piece of paper over silently and giving the other mutant a pointed look.
"Oh," was all the crestfallen Wolverine could reply. There, printed on the back of the bizarre Scandinavian instructions, was an English translation.
*
Erik picked happily at his candy floss, listening to Lance's tales of the Brotherhood. He had never known that Fred was a budding poet before, or that Pietro and Lance had once lost a bet to the X-Men and had to spend a week in women's clothes. Apparently, Pietro had made such a convincing lady that he became known around the neighbourhood as Petunia.
They had lost the other two boys a while ago, but were not overly concerned. Todd has a good sense of direction and it was more than likely that Fred was to be found watching the sea lions with whom he felt something of an affinity.
After he had grown bored of talking about his friends, Lance turned the conversation to Erik's massive change of heart. At first he had suspected that the super villain was Up To Something, but now fully believed that people could change for the better.
Erik told him all about his encounter with Xavier and how alien happiness had been to him at first. He gave lively accounts of how each life had been changed, finding himself and Lance rocking with hysterical laughter at the thought of Colossus with metallic mammaries. He described the swelling of pride in his chest with every act of benevolence and found tears forming in his eyes. And had those tears not been threatening to fall already, Lance's next statement would certainly have done the trick.
"I don't want to be a vandal anymore!" the rock-tumbler proclaimed grandly. "No more graffiti or petty crime for me. I want.. I want to be good, like you. I want to make people happy!"
Erik simply held his arms open, thinking it a little too dramatic to say 'Come into the light, my son'. The reformed punk and the ex-most threatening mutant embraced, and once again, Erik felt that powerful surge of pure joy run through his veins.
*
"It's- so- beautiful!" gasped Mystique between sobs as the team stood back to look at the new Brotherhood house.
It was hard to believe that they were looking at the same building they had been sent to that morning. Whereas once they were standing in front of a rundown, old shack they were now observing what could be more aptly described as a palace. Not only did it look amazing but it had running water in hot and cold and perfect electricity. All bills would now be paid for by a certain Mr. Lehnsherr and it was agreed that the Brotherhood would live like kings.
"And queens," reminded Rogue, thinking of Wanda.
They were waiting for that metallic sphere to appear in the sky, bringing the boys to their lovely surprise. A long dispute was taking place over what should be shouted when they arrived, whether it was to be 'Surprise!', 'Welcome home!' or Pyro's rather strange choice of 'Happy Hanukkah!' (it was the middle of June).
Suddenly, a long blue finger pointed up to the sky and Kurt let out an excited cry. Mystique clutched his arm, trembling as the travel sphere slowly descended on to the lawn.
"Surp'- 'come home-'nnukah!" came their strange jumbled cry as the three boys and Erik climbed out of their means of travel.
A string of expletives from the Brotherhood boys followed as they stared at their house in amazement. Toad actually looked close to fainting and grabbed onto his team-mates for dear life.
"You.. Bastards!" cried Lance in ecstasy, pointing a shaky finger at them.
"You think that's good, have a look indoors," grinned Gambit, whose girlfriend flashed an identical saccharine smile.
The boys were lost for words as they saw their new kitchen, new walls, new carpets, new bathrooms and new furniture. They couldn't recognise this house from their old one. It was so much better, cleaner and 'shinier' as the Blob claimed.
When they were sure that Mystique was not looking, Kurt and Rogue showed the boys a little feature they had installed. Down in the basement there was now a bar, some large plush sofas and a massive stereo. Kurt had even thoughtfully placed a neon flamingo on the wall as he believed that no bar was complete without one.
"Well?" Mystique asked anxiously after placing a none-too-reluctant Todd on her lap. "Do you like it?"
"Like it?" the amphibian replied with a rather lecherous smile. He wasn't quite sure whether she meant the house or her lap, but either way he was very much enjoying the view.
"It's the best thing anyone's ever done for us," Fred muttered to his shoes, being a Blob of few words.
"You guys rock!" added Lance, who had one arm around Pietro and the other around Rogue.
Pietro made a small squeaking noise, and suddenly zipped off, leaving Lance rather confused. He appeared a second later with a small, hand-painted sign.
"Can't believe we forgot this," he said, holding it up for all to see. The sign read 'Beware Of The Toad'.
"For the door," he added as the Toad in question promptly burst into tears of joy.
That night, it was not only Erik who was feeling the wonderful benefits of goodwill. His grand team of nine now knew that the secret to happiness was the joy of others and watching the three ex-delinquents marvel at their amazing new headquarters was enough to make even the coldest heart melt.
"To happiness," exclaimed Erik as he raised his champagne glass. His glass was promptly met with twelve others and the room rang with cheers and shouts.
"To happiness!"
-
-I've used the good old British version of 'Jingle Bells, Batman Smells' as I don't know the American one so just in case you're not familiar with it the lyrics are below.
Jingle bells, Batman smells Robin flew away (person with name that rhymes with crude body part) lost his/her (crude body part) On the motorway!
The chapter title comes from a half-forgotten song from my childhood entitled "Daddy's Taking Us to the Zoo Tomorrow", which, in my memory, is very repetitive and consists solely of those words.-