Shadowed Emotions

by: say-chan

Disclaimer: chappie four is on it's way! ^-^ crap here, crap there, crap everywhere! ^-^ i am quite angsty... hmm... will it affect chappie four? maybe... ^-^ i do now own x-men evolution... i just own the plot... ^-^

Chapter Four: Like a Child

~Don't stop the sun from shining down on me... Coz I can't face another day without your smile... And if you take your loving arms that surround me... Then I might break down and cry just like a child...~

Desire. What is it and where does it lead to? I've experienced falling in out of love. I was like a character in some play. I hate this. I'm being the same character all over again. I've been through it many times before. But this is some game I still do not understand. I have been risking everything for a love I thought I was fighting for, but now, it feels strange. A part of me is fighting to let these emotions out. A part of me wants me to wake up from these dreams and delusions. A part of me is telling myself that if I did not have the chance to speak this all out, I would never- ever have the chance to even do so.

It's like I'm stepping in somebody else's shoes, reading their own lines and playing their own parts. This- 'infatuation'... as I'm fond of calling it... I want it to be gone. But it's really different now. I seem to lose my cool, my words.... my throat seems to be dry when somebody mentions his name...

I want to get over this. It's me who's suffering from all this... chaos inside my brain. My inner voice is fighting with my own mind. And it won't stop. It's causing all this turmoil inside me so that I can't think straight anymore. And the worst part is, I don't even know what I'm up to. I don't know what I desire, what to do, what to say or even what to feel. Everything is all jumbled up again. I can't even start to look for pieces of this broken glass that I shattered. Realizing that torturing myself in this way, I wouldn't get what I really want. Then it hits me again. What do I want?

Do I want it this way? Seeing him crying all over me and smiling at the same time? And when he turns away and I'm all alone, I cry? I'm confused by my own actions. I know I'm the cause of all this... disorder in myself... And, as usual, it's him I blame. But is it really his fault of loving me?

I know deep inside I... I feel this thing for him. But I can't shout it out loud because of the way they knew me before. I know this is not right. I know that I shouldn't be thinking of other people's thoughts about my actions... But I feel so awkward in a way that nobody else knows.

I'm afraid to admit it, but I've been missing the times when we were together... I guess it means so much more now than before. it was then I finally understood the fact that when you have someone with you, you only realize their importance when they're gone. I didn't appreciate that idea when it was banging in my brain, so look at me now. Bitter. Cold. Sad. Alone. Remembering what might have been. Or what could've been...

What if I was wrong about what I felt for him way back then? What if he was really made for me? Too many questions again. The answer lies in him, and only in him will I find peace of mind.

I heard the door creak open and I snapped out of my musings. I saw Rogue enter the room with a saddened expression on her face. She walked towards the window sill and rested her figure on it. Running her fingers through her hair, I heard her sigh.

"Rogue? What's wrong?"

She let out a fake laugh. "Funny, ain't it? It was just yesterday when Ah was asking you the same question." she replied.

I raised a brow. It was my turn to question her. I was about to open my mouth, but she spoke ahead of me.

"Ah guess you've finally recovered. You ain't crying anymore."

Surprised by the observation, thoughts struck me. I sat there, facing her, speechless as the sun set on the horizon.

"Kitty, Ah want you tah be true tah yourself. Stop acting like that."

"Acting like what?" I asked her, as my voice raised.

"A spoiled child."

"What?!" I asked again as I heard her statement. Standing up, I raised my hand in the air, ready to slap her in the face.

"Go on. Do it." she said. But my hand retreated and I sat down again.

She shook her head as she started pacing around the room. She stopped and looked at me. "You love Kurt." she then said.

"Huh?! And who are you to tell me what I feel for him?" I asked, defending myself.

"Yes, Kitty, Ah may be a nobody, but at least Ah know how tah appreciate things that come my way. Look, the past few weeks have long gone and you have been acting so childish. You are not the center of the world, for all Ah care." she stated those words all in one breath.

"And? So now you're jealous of the attention I'm having?" I asked, my mouth not controlled my my thoughts.

"Don't accuse me, Kitty." she said. "I'm annoyed of the way you're acting!" she continued.

"What way?" I asked.

"Take one look at Kurt and you tell me what's happening to you."

I bit my lower lip as I remembered the events the other night. His prayer... was dedicated all for me... and all I did was ignore it. "Rogue, just stop!" I said as a tear fell and traced my cheek.

"Stop observing what's really happening? Kitty, you're lucky enough tah have Kurt as your friend! Did you ever stop and think of how much he's suffering? He's suffering so much more than you are now! Look at yourself, Kit. You are ignoring what's happening to you and somebody's suffering because of it."

I stopped and looked for words to throw back at what she said. But there were none. Everything Rogue said was true. But I was just too stubborn to even admit it.

"Rogue... why?" I choked as words came out with a hiccough. "Why are you doing this?" I asked.

"Kitty... You have no idea on what he's going though." she replied. Sighing she walked towards where I was sitting. She lifted my face with a gloved finger and made me look at her.

The next thing I knew, I was clutching a pillow next to my chest, my eyes overflowing with tears. My eyes widened in realization. I breathed in and out as Rogue's voice echoed inside my head.

"Kurt's leaving for Germany next week."

a / n:

hey people!! ^-^ I finally udated shadowed emotions! Tears in Heaven will come when my very cool beta, Tainz emails me the edited version... ^-^ i hope you guys like this... and now for my creditz...

Thanks to those people who reviewed my fics! I luv yah all! ^-^ to my friends, Joy, Kare, 1mig, Rika, Anne, Eunice, Bez, Dino, JM, April, pookies, mike, and to my friends at fastgames and pldtplay, and to the guys who know me! ^-^ hehehe... Credits to all of You! ^-^

to my twin, Ria! ^-^ mwah! i luv yah!

and to my cool beta reader !!! (crowd cheers) TAINEYAH ^-^ check her out! she's way cool!

i am, raindrops and wish are still open to reviews... =P

anywayz, it's almost time for bed and i gotta go... ^-^ Please R & R!!! ^-^

byeee!

lovelotz,

say-chan

[the post of this fic was delayed because of that stupid classmate of mine... i hope he dies... ^-^ ohh bad me... anywayz, thanks again people!]