EMINEM : LOSE YOURSELF
look,
if you had one shot,
one opportunity
to seize everything you ever wanted-
one moment
would you capture it
or just let it slip?
you better lose yourself
in the music
the
moment
you own it,
you better never let it go.
you only get
one shot,
do not
miss your chance
to blow –
'cause this opportunity comes
once in a lifetime
yo
Are you ready maybe
Are you willing to run
Are you ready to let yourself drown Are you holding your breath Are you ready or notAre you ready
Maybe
Do you long to confess
Do you feel that you're already numb
Are you sure of yourself
Would you lie
If you're not
You tire me out
Don't want to let that happen
The secret scream so loud
Why did you let that happen
Hoo hoo
So put your arms around me
You let me believe that you're someone else
Hoo hoo
Cos only time can take you
So let me believe that I'm someone else
Maybe you are ready to break
Do you think that I push you too far
Would you open yourself
Are you reckless or not
You tire me out
Don't want to let that happen
A secret scream so loud
Why did you let that happen
Hoo hoo
So put your arms around me
You let me believe
That you're someone else
Hoo hoo
Cos only time can take you
So let me believe
That I'm someone else
That I'm someone else
Ooo
So put your arms around me
Ooo
So put your arms around me
Ooo
Make me believe
Take me
Take me
Somewhere
Somewhere
Let me believe
Cos only time can take you
So stop
Chapter ten Once
In a Lifetime Yo
Someone passed her a flask to drink from, and for a second or two wondered if it was poisoned, then decided they would not dare, so she threw the strong liquid down her throat and handed it back empty. She certainly felt that she needed it, because it was still fairly cold in the draughty stand although she was well wrapped up well . Severus and Lucius were sitting each side of her watching her like hawks, despite their interest in the game. The Quidditch was not so bad when there were a few challenges to the rules: some adrenalin pumping action and a few good fouls from the Slytherin House as the superior team, but it still looked rather tame to her. She examined her nails sticking out of her cut-off mittens and decided that she would re-do them when she got back.
A girl's life was so busy these days.
They could feel the draughts as the fliers shot by and the commentator was loudly giving it all they had. The grass below them was unnaturally green and they had, high up as they were in the best Slytherin tower box, a perfect view in the winter sunshine while the students rimmed the outside below at ground level. The long flags stood limp, as there was no wind except for the player's movements.
"Blocked, yes Creevy on the inside," screamed the commentator, " passing to Bones, Bones giving it, ahhhh – Enverdale strikes that Bludger hard – Chumbley misses it – ohhh," and the crowd moaned over the other side. "Bad luck Gryffindor!"
Occasionally Lucius glanced at her slyly when he thought she wasn't looking. She knew her power exceeded Severus', but Lucius' might be able to upstage hers, but what was more interesting was that the right hand of Voldemort knew how her mind worked, what she wanted, what she was impatient with. His cloak lay alongside hers, its heavy texture smooth and an exciting depth of black and she wondered what he would be like as a lay. More imaginative than most, she would think.
Definitely a good ride. Maybe a bit perverted. Mm, perhaps worth looking into.
"This is a tremendous game – everyone on top form – Creevy again – moves, fields towards the end – oh nice play – yes! (ding of points bell) 60 to Gryffindor to 70 to Slytherin!"
Was that disappointment in that voice? So there should be.
For the most part the two men weren't paying much attention to her, absorbed in the game, and only looked disgusted when Slytherin did not get points, and clapping loudly but soberly when Slytherin won points like at that moment. Severus frowned at her for not applauding so she unenthusiastically did as she was told.
Letting the side down, dear me. Shameful. Wonder if they've got any more drink?
She fumbled in her right escort's pocket for some, then discovered an interesting passageway. Following along his side, she moved her hand inside the cloak across his trousered thighs. To be gripped viciously by an angry hand.
"Discontinue, my lady" hissed Severus without moving his head. "One more trick like that…"
"And you will do what? she sneered.
"I will tie you up and leave you in Dumbledore's office." he snapped.
He really knew how to give a girl a hard time. The old man would bore her to death. Him and that stupid overgrown parrot. Nothing will get me in that room.
"I was only hoping for something to warm me in this heat-forsaken place," she pouted.
Lucius, hearing, passed her his flask, a superior type of hip flask with a serpent entwined around it, solid and heavy with quality. The drink was good too. Then he passed her his binoculars, so she played with those for some time, ignoring the game, but scanned the students below, wrapped well up in their respective house scarves.
Then she watched the two sycophants of the famous Harry Potter, shouting and waving their red flags with that repulsive Hagrid presumably for Harry to get the snitch. School robes did nothing for Hermione, she noticed and wondered with whom she was sleeping. Harry maybe, Ron unlikely, but possibly Draco, who was at the far end away from their box and was laughing derisively at something. The lean blonde Slytherin prefect showed up well behind a lens, even on a broomstick. His face certainly looked in Hermione's direction a few times, but whether it was to her specifically wasn't clear. Perhaps she would give him some advice: like find someone else. That stuck up prig of a Head Girl would never appreciate a well turned out young man like Malfoy junior with his long legs and his upright bearing. She noticed Lucius looking in his direction.
Malfoy Senior must be very proud. Not sure he is though. He should be.
Which reminded her that Lucius had given her a good talking to in Severus's office that morning. Told her that she should keep things close to her chest.
That was very funny.
To keep an intelligent watch on things.
What things? Nothing happened here.
"It is imperative that you wait for the right time," he said in his habitual menacing voice while stroking the viscous snake's head on his cane. "For the time when you can take your place of power." He sauntered round the office, tapping a jar here or there. "We," he said, passing by her and leering at the length of her, "need to play the school astutely and not give everything away before we have the advantage." He sneered at her, amused, and could feel the tension between them and as Severus was not in the room, she wondered if he would make a move on her, or whether she should take a risk with a dangerous predator like him but the next sentence dashed her hopes. "You will have your sport, my dear, but you need to rein in your immediate desires," then added as an afterthought "as I do."
Damn.
Severus had obviously been talking to him.
He looked at her for a second down his long nose.
"Not those desires," he said impatiently. "I meant, wanting to do and say exactly what you feel like, when you like."
"You need to control your greed Elrin. He took a deep breath and brandished his cane in her direction.
Mm, was he going to get closer?
Now listen carefully, my little half-witch,
His long pale hair swept round as he bent down to her.
What was it about some men with shoulder length hair?
"Dumbledore is a dangerous man and could do something extremely unpleasant to prevent you from being part of our plans. Severus said that he would look after you, but if you make it difficult for him, he will have no choice but to leave you to the Ministry. Have you any idea what that might mean? No? Well, the chances are they would lock you up and throw away the key or drug you so stupid that you wouldn't know up from down. I have spent quite some time this week arguing with the Headmaster, and as a leading Governor, insisted that you stayed here, and he agreed to let you stay on condition that Severus keeps an eye on you and that you behave yourself. So I want you to be clever, little Elrin and keep as low a profile as you can. Our turn will come soon enough."
Not so little half-witch now Lucius. But her turn was not coming soon enough. No one thwarted her. Not now.
She had agreed to try and be a good girl.
Don't trust him for one square second. Perhaps she should – play it shrewdly as he said. Hah! Better do as he says.
Severus will help you.
Severus is a pain in the arse. He deserves some payback.
The game meanwhile went on, and on and on with the endless commentary.
"Again, Gregson in possession – ducks that Bludger – close, that was close – Gregson dives – Honeycutt tackles, ohhh – Brocklehurst foul – foul – definitely – oh yes, Madam Hooch is giving them what for – sorry – is disciplining him."
She let her eyes wander over Severus' profile sitting next to her, strong with its patrician nose, cruel mouth and elegantly shiny hair limp round his face. Muffled as he was in an ash-black scarf with his cloak falling thickly about him, he certainly had a sense of style, bachelor life or no. She shifted on the hard seats wiggling her bottom, desiring him, wanting to sneak her hands underneath those thick winter clothes to the heat underneath. Sensing her interest, he turned his head swiftly towards her and glared at her, a warning glare, like one would to a disobedient dog. As well as the glower, she could sense something else, something more mysterious, a haunted, devoted look.
Severus has gone soft. I can feel it.
She tapped his arm to gain his attention and then peered closely into his eyes before he realized what she was doing.
Oh yes, oh yes, there's something serious there now. No mistaking it. Would you believe it. The sucker.
His eyes, though gravely regarding her, had an ardent desolation that there was no hiding at least from her.
Ahhh. Wonder when that happened. Too late though, my lad. Too late. The time for being nice is over. You spurned me. I want my vengeance.
He looked back at the game sharply.
"There's a clear field there – Quaffle straight to Chumbley – nice play. Yes! Potter has seen the snitch! Potter's on it and Malfoy in pursuit. Malfoy almost has the advantage."
She began to pay attention, and she could sense Lucius stiffen slightly, though he had too many centuries behind him of polite behaviour to make an open display of his doting.
Potter and Malfoy fighting over that stupid little ball. Nearly killing themselves to do it. Well, at least that was interesting.
They could see from there the screaming effort in their faces as they passed the stand, their capes stretched out behind them as they curved round the stands. Everyone except she and the two men beside her were shouting and screaming, jumping up and down as the commentator shouted like a lunatic. Then it was all over. Draco had managed to snatch it by giving Harry one almighty shove and although he crashed into the end section, had caught it. Loud moans came from all round, but her House was going mad. Punching the air, the Slytherin golden boy looked over to their stand where Severus and Lucius stood up to clap with appropriate enthusiasm and grace, both glancing menacingly at her to stand and applaud.
"Nicely," hissed Lucius.
Thank goodness that was over. Perhaps they could go inside in the warm and have something to eat.
For some weeks while the weather became warmer, she became colder and more difficult to handle. Severus watched her as much as he could, but there was only so much he could do with classes and marking and other school duties. He could not sleep and his patience was taken to its furthest peak. The potions that he had brewed mocked him in their sullenness, and the parchments he hid away, holding them as if he could feel her hands on them and her voice speaking the rhythms of the ancient text. Lucius stopped by to placate her and even threaten now and again, and then she would temper her behaviour, but not for long. The staff avoided her presence when they could, and she was glad of it, because they sickened her. Xiomara had been hurt so often even she couldn't bear to be near her for long, but because Severus looked in such pain, she suffered it a little. It was time he let the Minstry take over, everyone thought, because it was too much for him. Dumbledore had him as a frequent visitor, talking into the night with him beside his warm fire.
The Potions Master hovered over a seventh year Gryffindor with a cauldron that was smoking feverishly and was about to make some contemptuous comment when she burst in, robes swirling around her, hair wild and an expression to match. The class stopped whatever it was that had engaged them and stared at the sight, then swivelled their heads back at their Professor, waiting for the eruption. Harry and Hermione were viewing the whole thing with a certain detachment since they had their minds on other things, but Ron was fascinated and so was Draco, who looked at his House Master, wondering what he was going to do. The House Master turned his head slowly, knowing, as he did so, who it was and one or two pairs of eyes saw anguish break through the mask for a second. As she walked along the side aisle, she was running her hands along the side shelf with her fingers, humming.
"Bit dusty in here isn't it?"
"Madam," he said and glared, pausing for one of his intimidating silences which had no effect upon her whatsoever, "remove yourself if you will. These students are otherwise engaged, and so am I."
She peered into Draco's cauldron that was near and looked at him suggestively, running her finger round the edge.
"What evil mixture are you brewing up then?" And was about to put her finger in it when Severus came sweeping round from the other side of the classroom and yanked her away and bent down to her ear.
"If you don't get your arse out of here in double quick time," he hissed, "I am going to do something very unpleasant to you."
"Oh, she said, bored, "Promises, promises. I'm so bored to death Severus. Pay me some attention for a change," she grumbled while he escorted her out, his hand gripped on her upper arm, as if death might well have been on his mind. As it happened, it was an opportune time to finish the class, since he had already gone three minutes over schedule.
"Class dismissed," he snarled to all of them back over his shoulder as he headed for the door pushing her in front of him. "Pack up immediately. Now."
Since they were older students, they packed up fairly quickly, and they particularly did not want to exacerbate the maddened discomfiture of their Potions teacher. As they made their way out, she came waltzing back in, eyeing up some of the young men approvingly as they passed, many now well exceeding her height.
Severus closed his eyes for a second and started to pack up some books on one of the desks.
"You don't need to do this you know," she whined when she got to where he was standing. "Let's go and play," she said provocatively. "Lets go and do something naughty for a change. I'm tired of all this do-gooding stuff. I want some action."
"This," he growled, "is the only action you are going to experience here." He had a high pile of books in his arms when she snatched some of them, making the rest of them fall. That made him mad and he leaned angrily towards her.
"Enough!" he shouted, thrusting his arm towards the door, his forefinger bent forcefully in his passion.
"Remove yourself from my presence. I no longer want you near me, do you hear?"
Such a fool. And to think she had thought there was something special about him. Lucius had better know what a little weasel he was.
Her voice echoed in the empty classroom as she shouted: "I wouldn't want to be with you anyway, you slimy robotic half-wit! Homo erectus! That's a laugh. Once, once in how many years?"
"Mind your tongue!"
"You don't know who you are rejecting."
"I know, lady, I know very well," he snarled bitterly into her face.
Then she turned on her heel and headed out of the door, slamming it deafeningly, a little dust rising behind it.
He picked up the books from the floor hoping they were not damaged and restacked them carefully. Then as he stood by the light of the high window, spread one hand over his tired face.
Before a quarter of an hour was up, she had reached the end of her infinite patience. This little whippersnapper of a first year was denying her courtesy and respect. She wanted obedience.
The little beast. I've had enough of this namby-pambying of little children. When I was little I was seen and not heard. In fact, not even seen. t
"You will do as you're told, you little baby," she screamed.
"Please Madam Dance, Professor Dumbledore asked me to go to his office straight away," cried the little boy terrified, but mesmerized to the spot.
"And what does that matter?" She said coolly. "What you will learn from that old dolt is nothing. Get me my coffee. This instant."
More students were arriving to see what was happening. A friend, no higher than the little boy she was talking to, made her way to his side and she stared defiantly at the adult.
"Ahh, a little defender," Elrin purred. "And what are you going to do, half-pint?"
The children wondered what a pint was, but they didn't think it sounded complementary.
Those expressions of Aunt Dorothy are coming in handy.
"What is it that you are asking him to do Madam Danse? Asked the girl, chin up.
"Telling him, my dear girl, not asking. I want it, Now."
"Perhaps I can get it for you, Madam," said the little girl, with dignity.
"I want him to get it. Get it? Because I want him to."
Damned up, the fury was beginning to erupt, coursing through her blood, through her brain. There was a commotion that she could hear from the nearby corridor, a bustling of some sort.
"This place is going to the dogs. And I intend to do something about it."
And she began to lift her arm up slowly and point it at the disobedient boy and then at his insolent accomplice.
Which one? A difficult decision.
A sort of tremor began to shake her outstretched arm and puzzled, they watched, wondering if she was having a fit, just as Severus came charging round the corner of the corridor, almost knocking one child over in his panic.
"Get out of the way, get out of the way," he bellowed with gritted teeth, in that emergency voice of authority which the children responded to automatically.
"Madam Danse!" He said, almost out of breath. He must have run from his classroom. He looked around at the tableau of students and her as the centrepiece with black fear in his eyes. "What is it that you think you are doing?"
"I was just taking some much needed action in this miserable hellhole you call a school," she drawled. " Like getting rid of one or two students."
And she lifted her arm up again. He had not been a teacher for so many years without feeling the earth-shattering tension in the place and although he did not know what she was about to do he recognizing the deadliness of her movement and the look of fury on her face, and instinctively threw himself in front of the two first years, his arms and legs wide open to her threatened assault, making before the children a black winged angel of protection.
"You don't want to try that Severus dear, because I will have my way. Move - out of the way."
"Never." Eyes glittering black, head down like a charging bull.
"Because I will kill you. I can, you know. "
"Of that I have no doubt Madam," he growled.
"What is it with this Madam nonsense anyway? But you will like this little skill I seem to have acquired, I promise you. I discovered it the other day." And she shot her arm out and green fire came out of it in a long line of power and shattered a nearby sculpture off the wall, breaking it into a thousand pieces with dust in clouds exploding from it. The students jumped and gaped at her in awe. She had not used a wand.
"Isn't it the coolest?" she said, pleased. While Elrin was looking smug at their veneration of her abilities and all were gawping at the debris, he thrust his wand at her and shouted.
"incarcertorium!"
Nothing happened.
Now this was entertainment. She would like more of this.
"Try again my dear Professor," she said, leered.
"Asphixio dissendium."
She laughed and laughed then. She could see the anguish openly on his face and he lowered his head, breathing heavily.
That's how I like 'em. Right where a man should be.
"Get out, everyone," he shouted to them all. "Get out. Now." But as he looked around they were too transfixed by her to move. She noticed and smiled. .
He lifted his head up slowly and she could see him take a deep breath, and with a snarl and his arm bent behind ready to shoot his wand out at her he began to curse her with all that he had left.
"Imp….." he began, but he could bring himself to compete it and halfway faltered.
"You!" she said, realizing his intentions, "You would use an Unforgivable Curse on Me? Very well, you can all die." And she started to vibrate, her eyes open this time to watch them all feel the effects of her wrath.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW
First the students held their heads with the pain and started to sink to the floor and then he gradually started to join them on his knees with his hands clutching the sides of his head. The roar of the power swept within her through the bodies and minds of the people before her and with the crescendo of it she heard civilizations crash, planets spin out of control, galaxies evaporate. She closed her eyes in the bliss of it. She was so absorbed that she did not see a small tiny object dive at her from above and then flap frantically around her mouth, preventing her from continuing.
Get off you stupid – rat-thing – and she swung at it, missing it as it threw itself with all its tiny might at her face. Severus then took the opportunity, despite the ferocious pain, to hurl himself at her. But he was severely gripped in agony again just as he skidded to a halt only a foot away as she began again, determined to ignore the bat. He fought, fought the pain with the strength that he had acquired over the years battling against the evil in others and in himself and with this determination scarring his face managed to lift his arms out about her, and realized that he would die if he touched her but needed to do something and not knowing what else to do, made a move. This impulse came from deep within, from the heart of him, from the desperation of loving someone so strong that it demanded that he take action however crazy, to claim his own, to answer a deep need, to admit his love, to join with another, to break his seal of isolation, to open himself to the fear of belonging and to break his vow of pain even as he embraced another. He shuddered with the strength of it, from the torture of it, from the grief of it. From somewhere in another corridor he could hear one of the students whooping with laughter, the sound of a Bludger being hit in the grounds outside, saw the stone arch above him and thought of his potions and the fragile manuscripts belonging to his mother, as well as feeling the warmth of the afternoon sun as it came through the window onto a piece of her hair against the white of her neck and he hesitated in his pain, and then used everything he had ever had or done or said or felt to throw his arms tight around her rigid body.
Some of the students, as they emerged from the worst of their pain did not believe their eyes, for their Professor had her in a unshakable embrace, pain slashed across his face and then slowly, slowly it gradually changed into one of astonishment and then his features started to relax into what they could only imagine was a look of utter bliss. She was still sounding but its note had changed and then she began to get weaker, and stopped abruptly. More students came out of their pain. Elrin slowly opened her eyes and stared at him astonished and he smiled at her gently. Even with that degree of subtlety one or two students paled at the sight of it and wondered if the world was going to fall apart or the ground beneath them to split open, but all that occurred was a profound and peaceful silence in which all motion ceased and there was nothing to do but sink into it. She blinked at them all circled around, Severus still holding her in a grip so tight she could hardly breath and noticed the tiny bat on his shoulder, quivering, its shiny eyes darting around.
"This is my familiar. He's called Sampeer," he said quietly to her.
"Hello," she said stupidly to the bat. "I think we've met before. With Hagrid you know."
"Oh," he said, turning his head to try to see the little creature that grasped at his collar, "So that's where he's been. I was beginning to be concerned."
She found it odd having a conversation with him about a bat while he had his arms firmly fixed round her like a binding and both were standing there in front of gaping students in the middle of a main corridor. And it was odd too that he looked at her with such calmness and tenderness, examining her face as if he had never seen it before.
What an extraordinary face he had. Quite unlike anything I have ever seen and yet I feel as if I have always known it. And his eyes are not quite the black I thought they were; they had a strong hint of warm brown in them.
At that instant she immediately began to waver as the tension broke over her and she began to weaken. Then she was aware of a sharp pain in her chest and jerked with it.
"You!" he said quickly to a student, "Get the Headmaster – Now!"
"I am here, my dear fellow," said Albus, making his way through the children.