Pyro Lady Tequila: Here it is!! Our first Gundam Wing FanFiction!!! Bask in the glory!!
Bob the Cat: Well, it's kind of a dingy glory, but still…
Pyro Lady Tequila: First, before you read this, we would like for you to know that we do not advocate any of the behavior found within, and used it only for humor. Because come on, you all know you think it's funny. Maybe.
Bob the Cat: This was a collaborated effort. We wrote it last summer on a road trip… Of sorts. With Pyro's parents.
Pyro Lady Tequila: Where we were told we should be looking at the scenery instead of whatever it was we were doing. Shows how little parents know, eh?
Bob the Cat: …Oh, I get disclaimer duties, huh? We don't own anything. That's why we also make stupid jokes about it. So no lawsuits. Savvy?
Pyro Lady Tequila: By the way, the title is a Monty Python song. Yes, we stole that too. And yes, we did add original characters, but these are GOOD ONES!!! In other words, total psychos who couldn't save their backyard, much less the world. So it's all good, right? You'll really like it once the hair dye psycho comes in. Much fun!! So sit back and enjoy!! AND REVIEW!!!! And read our other fics!!
Bob the Cat: Shut up and let them read the fic!!!! … Sorry.
"Stupid credit card." Devon glared murderously at her useless plastic card. "Overdrawn – whatever." She needed money. And fast, if she planned on eating this month. Lessee, what do you do when broke… Play the LOTTERY!!! Excellent! Devon darted into the Kentucky QuikMart. "I'll have 500 of those little number thingies!"
The clerk looked like he saw this all the time. "That'll be… $1,200.23."
"WHAT? I don't have that much! I haven't won the lottery yet!" Devon yelled. "Okay, fine… Give me one."
* * *
"Hmmm…" Jessica stared into her wallet. Her very worn out wallet, now that she thought about it. She could use a new wallet. Not that it would matter. It would still be depressingly empty. Devon had been right, it was pointless going to Atlanta anytime this year… She looked longingly at the cooler full of Cokes, then again at her empty wallet. She dropped a pack of gum on the counter and dug into her pockets, finding just enough change to pay for the gum. She shoved the pack in her pocket and went back to her 'Japanese sportscar,' a battered '92 two-door Honda Accord, and drove back the way she had come – in the opposite direction of Atlanta.
* * *
Devon snapped her goggles into place, immediately shrieking as they stung her face. "When will I learn…" She jumped on board, started up, and gunned her lime green scooter in the direction of the nearest Georgia QuikMart.
* * *
Jessica saw a bright lime green blur go by her, headed in the opposite direction. "Huh? That must be…" She quickly checked for traffic, then made a quick U-turn and pursued the scooter. She followed it into the parking lot of the QuikMart she had just left. She leapt out of her old white Honda, closing the door behind her with some difficulty.
"Devon? What are you doing here?"
"Bwahahahaha! I'm winning the lottery!" Devon cried gleefully. "What are you doing?"
"I'm losing the lottery. Fun, ne?"
"No, not really." Devon looked slightly confused, then realized the sarcasm. "Oh! Haha! I get it!" Devon snapped her goggles back on the top of her head. "Owwww!"
Jessica snickered. "How's the old scooter holding up?"
"I had it genetically enhanced!!" Devon cried gleefully. "Since it's the only thing I'm legally allowed to operate since they revoked my license, I got to keep the old girl in good shape." Devon patted the headlight, which promptly broke off.
"Genetically enhanced, you say? Bob doesn't need it. He has great gas mileage. I really would like to get the latches on the doors fixed, and air conditioning would be great, but it works." Jessica looked at the car. "Sort of, anyway."
"Well, you were able to keep up with Jessebelle so it must be working pretty well." Devon said smugly while super-glueing "Jessebelle's" headlight back on.
"Are you sure that's going to work?" Jessica asked skeptically.
"Well duh. I never use it anyway. I have night vision, just like fluffy white owls." Devon had finished glueing the headlight, and was now trying to unglue herself.
"Devon, are your goggles on too tight?"
"That's the only way they'll stay on!"
"Hm. Nevermind."
"Whatever." Devon had unglued herself. Unfortunately, some of the lime green paint had stuck to her, making her lower arms a mottled green. "Eww…"
Jessica sat on the hood of Bob Honda. "You'll have to get that fixed, you know, or it'll rust."
"HEY YOU KIDS!!! NO LOITERING!!!"
"Uh-oh," Jessica muttered. "We'd better get out of here fast. We really don't need a fine right now." She leapt into Bob Honda and took off, tires squealing.
Devon smiled ingratiatingly at the creepy Mexican who had yelled at them. "Hello! I would just love a lottery ticket. And I'm so very sorry about what happened out there." She began to sniffle. "It'll never happen again."
Esmerelda the creepy Mexican who had yelled at them looked disturbed and immediately handed a Georgia lottery ticket to the weird goggle girl with green arms. "That'll be $2.00."
Devon paid (in pennies and painted Monopoly money), then took off in the direction she had last seen the broken taillights of Bob.
* * *
Jessica drove down the highway, changing radio stations. Nothing but static… "Hey," she said. "What's this?" She slowed and pulled to the side of the road, where she saw a young man – a very good-looking young man at that – wearing a nondescript black shirt and jeans, brown hair falling across his face, covering one emerald green eye. "Hello," Jessica said. "How's it going?"
"Pretty good," the young man replied.
"I take it you need a ride. Where are you going?"
"Don't bother, you're going in the opposite direction."
"No, really, it's no problem." Jessica had no intention of letting this guy get away that easily.
"Well… There's a QuikMart down the road about ten miles. My car's there – if you could take me there I'll be truly grateful."
"Come on," Jessica said. As soon as the young man had managed to make the latch on Bob's door catch and hold, Jessica made a U-turn across the highway and headed back towards the QuikMart.
* * *
Lost. Completely lost. "Where in the hell…" Devon muttered. She slowed Jessebelle down to five miles an hour and crept along the road, desperately searching for a familiar anything. "Hachacha, what have we here?" Devon muttered as a young man wearing a loose green tank top and spandex stepped up to the side of the road. Devon grinned mentally. He was hot. Gorgeous. And hitchhiking. She pulled to a stop beside him. "Ello!!! Need a ride?" He looked rather doubtful.
"Are you British?"
"Nope. Just like to say 'ello!"
"…hn. So anyway, yeah, I do kind of need a ride."
"Cool! You can come with me!"
He looked even more doubtful. "But you're driving a scooter. And where are you going anyway?"
"What's wrong with my scooter? And her name is Jessebelle."
"It's-" Devon glared. "I mean – she's – made for one person."
"Yeah, but… I don't mind sharing." Bwachacha, Devon thought.
He sighed. "Fine. Just don't get lost."
* * *
"I mean, I think the guy did it on purpose!" Jessica said. Trowa looked sympathetically at her across the table, which was covered with the wrappers of enough food to feed any normal person for a week. They were sitting at a booth in Burger King. They had been there for three hours. "I don't know where I'm going to get the money for a new bumper, and I still need to do something about that door, and then the headlights- I don't know where I'm going to get the money to get it all fixed."
Trowa smiled at her reassuringly. "You'll figure out something. Are you sure you don't want anything else to eat?" He had been very concerned when he saw how hungry Jessica was.
She smiled back and said, "No, I feel much better now."
"Is there anything else I can get you?" he asked.
"Oh, no! You've done too much already!"
"I'll take you home in my car, then when yours in fixed I'll bring you back to pick it up."
"You don't have to do that!"
"Yes, I do. You got me to my car, and considering it's kind of my fault yours got wrecked…"
"Your fault? How is it your fault?"
"Well, it certainly wouldn't have happened if you'd been alone, would it?"
"Good point. Thank you so much!" Damn, he's hot!
* * *
"Burger King!" Devon yelled gleefully.
"What?" shouted the-unbelievably-hot-guy-in-spandex.
"Never mind!" Devon howled, fighting the G-forces as she made a U-turn, nearly tipping Jessebelle, and shot like an errant Roman candle into the Burger King parking lot. She leapt off and waited for TUHGIS to pull himself off the scooter. While most people needed nearly an hour to recover from Devon's… "unique" driving, he didn't seem to be very worried. He got off almost immediately and looked at Burger King. "Oh, okay, let's eat!" he said, pulling Devon along. As they ran in, she saw a flash of a very familiar looking Honda…