Lampooning Lord Thingy

*** the artist formerly known as Voldemort

"In a brief statement Friday night, Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge confirmed that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has returned to this country and is active once more.

'It is with great regret that I must confirm that the wizard styling himself Lord-- well, you know who I mean-- is alive and among us again,' said Fudge, looking tired and flustered as he addressed reporters. 'It is with almost equal regret that we report the mass revolt of the dementors of Azkaban, who have shown themselves adverse to continuing in the Ministry's employ. We believe that the dementors are currently taking direction from Lord- Thingy.'"

- The Daily Prophet *

A/N - Nice of you to pay a visit to my second attempt at a parody! May I take your coat? hat? Well, lets get the legal crap out of the way...

(*)s indicate that I've taken a direct quote from J.K.R. her royal self. I don't own the idea of Harry Potter or the world, all rights reserved to J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Press, and Warner Bros. This is a work of fiction and any similarity between the characters and real persons is entirely coincidental, except (once again!) in the case of Geraldo Rivera.

Okay, so I've written a serious piece about Voldemort (A Honeyed Poison! check it out!) and I've written a Harry Potter parody (A Dose of Strong Painkillers! check it out!)... so, as one would, I reasoned that it would be fun to throw them together. I took my inspiration also, from the great Minister C.O. Fudge and his prolific vocabulary. Basically, what you've got here is Voldemort and his remaining Death Eaters carrying on these suspicious activities and preparations that the Order and the Ministry fear so much... i.e. grocery shopping, playing practical jokes, and putting on private productions of Swan Lake. Come on, you'd have to take five from pillage, death and destruction, too! Please review!

And now you have it! In all its un-cut, original glory, digitally remastered to suit the modern readers'-- okay, okay...

1 - Damn the Coupons

"Why can't they spell "light" correctly? This L-I-T-E... it's not a word!" You-Know-Who-- the greatest Evil Overlord and Dark Wizard having risen in centuries, having been called such euphemisms as "The Dark Lord Tom", "Lord Thingy", and "Geraldo Rivera"-- swept like a bat through the aisles of Megamart at approximately 3:21 pm, bearing down on unsuspecting Muggles, his slit-pupil eyes darting from one marketing ploy to the next, his outsize cloak whipping around corners.

"We could always opt for the Original, sir."

"Are you mad, man?! Ooohhh... or should we get Diet? or Reduced Sodium? or Fat Free? or Low Calorie? or-- what the hell is this?-- Abridged Lipids? Alright, they're getting too creative now... "

"Sir, if I may... they're just saltines."

You-Know-Who rounded on a quailing Pettigrew. "I don't know why I chose you as my shopping partner, Wormtail. Ah..." he said as his face took on a wicked expression, "I remember now... BECAUSE LUCIUS IS IN BLOODY AZKABAN!"

People within a five-hundred foot radius looked very alarmed.

"Lucius would have never argued with me about the saltines. He'd remember which ones I like... good Lucius. I must remember to break him free," he muttered more to himself than to Pettigrew. "Perhaps if I just try to recall what he'd say... Now, Lucius, which is my preferred variety of saltine?" He said to himself and skipped a pace away and faced where he had been standing. "Master, it is the... the.... Reduced Sodium that you like!"

You-Know-Who indulged in an expression of triumph and tossed a box of Reduced Sodium Crackers in the basket residing on Pettigrew's arm along with the pickled eggs, garbage bags, single red onion, wintergreen mouthwash, and bag of pork rinds.

"ONWARD! to the Pet Care Aisle!" You-Know-Who crowed, flitting off toward the other end of the store. In his wake of pure satanic wickedness, children cried, women fainted, products crashed off shelves, the free samples people ran for their lives and general death and destruction ensued.

Pettigrew ran after his master, desperately trying to put things back together. "Master! Master!" he squeaked, pointing at a large sign that read: "if you send it careening across our facilities in your malevolent path-- you buy it."

You-Know-Who stopped, irritated, and sighed. "What kind of an arcane rule is that? Fine, fine..." He whipped out his wand and returned things to normal. "Now can we get to the Pet Care Aisle?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Ah, here we are... Aisle 13..."

He browsed around for a moment before saying, "What is this crap? Dog chow? Hamster wheels? Cat harnesses? Fish flakes? Where the hell are all the snake grooming products?! Nagini needs her biweekly rubdown and moisturising! Mark my words, the manager is going to hear about this!"

For the rest of the shopping excursion You-Know-Who pouted and it was up to Pettigrew to obtain the other essentials: Drano, pudding cups, candles for Bellatrix's upcoming surprise birthday party, jalapenos, the latest Danielle Steel novel for when his master suffered from insomnia, a Ridelin prescription, and... tampons. Pettigrew raised an eyebrow as he tossed the last box in the basket but didn't question the list.

Finally, You-Know-Who perked up as they neared the check-out and he spotted two obvious college sorority girls. He grinned. "Let's see if I've still got the old charm..." he whispered to Pettigrew and, before he could be restrained by his faithful servant, he marched off toward the girls.

They were giggling, platinum-blonde, pink-arrayed nineteen-year-olds and they cringed when You-Know-Who approached them. "Well, hello, baby," he nudged the bustier of the two girls. "So what's your sign?" he asked in his best suave voice.

The other girl scoffed. "Sign? That is like so twenty-five years ago!" She blew a massive bubblegum bubble and snapped it.

Pettigrew winced. He knew what was coming.

You-Know-Who's trembled in his infinite rage. "HEY, I'VE BEEN FRIGGIN BUSY FOR THE PAST TWO DECADES PLOTTING TO RESURRECT MYSELF AND DOMINATE YOUR PUNY WORLD! IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE HAD A LOT OF TIME TO SOCIALIZE!" With that, he flourished his wand and nothing was left of the girls but two black scorch marks on the tile. "That takes care of that..."

Within seconds, security had descended. Pettigrew dropped their basket of items and dashed away, curling up behind a display of tabloid magazines.

"Come with us, sir, you're under arrest for murder in the first degree. You have the right to remain silent... anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..." a burly man recited as he tried to restrain the struggling evil overlord.

"But... but you can't do this! I have shopping to complete! You don't understand! I have coupons!" shrieked You-Know-Who, kicking feebly. "Wormtail!"

People were stopping to stare and sirens could be heard approaching Megamart. "Fine!" screamed You-Know-Who. "Damn the coupons! But you haven't seen the last of me!" With that, he Apparated with a "pop".

Pettigrew had the presence of mind to follow him. First, of course, he returned all their items to the shelf. "Don't want to stoop to shoplifting," he muttered as he shoved the box of tampons back on their shelf. He then Apparated back to Headquarters where he and his fellow Death Eaters would continue to plot their evil plans.

A/N - And now I command you to review. Hehe. Well, that was a bit shorter than most of my stuff, but I can only come up with so much funny material at a time. I feel kind of bad working on this when I have so many other, serious fics that are in desperate need of my attention. But I was in a weird mood today. This is the insanity that comes of it.