Fellowship of the Philologists
Chapter 1: It's a problem.
What follows is a light-hearted lesson in word-wrangling. Erestor is the unfortunate first-born charged with leading Elrohir and Elladan through the linguistic labyrinth of Common Speech. Today the elderly elf is helping them distinguish between the pronoun its and the contraction it's. Enjoy.
Erestor frowned as he studied the parchment that Elrohir had just handed him. "Elrohir, let's review the question that you had to solve. Each regiment is made up of one-hundred twelve Orcs. The entire army consists of twelve regiments. You were asked to find the total number of Orcs, and you have written here that the total is one-thousand two-hundred and forty-four. Do you see what the problem is?"
"Um, too many Orcs?" Elrohir replied hesitantly. Elladan sniggered.
"No, troll-brain, too few! At least, too few in your answer. The correct answer is one-thousand three-hundred and forty-four. You forgot to carry!"
"Yeah, well, I don't like carrying Orcs!" Elrohir shot back.
"Enough of the bickering," Erestor scolded. "Perhaps that is enough mathematics for one day. Let us turn now to language arts. I have read the essays that you composed in the Common Speech, and I must say that you would be laughed out of Edoras if you ever showed up with a trade proposal filled with so many errors! You simply must pay more attention to their system of pronouns."
"Oh, Erestor," moaned Elrohir. "Their pronouns are so confusing. Why can't everyone speak Elvish?"
"I'm sure they think Elvish is just as confusing. In any event, you must learn to deal with people throughout Middle Earth, and that means studying their histories, their cultures, and their languages."
Both elflings had pained expressions on their faces, but Erestor was inexorable.
"Today we are going to review the possessive pronoun its. You two keep tossing in unnecessary apostrophes whenever you try to use that pronoun."
"But, Erestor," protested Elladan, "you said that the apostrophe is used in the Common Speech to indicate possession!"
"Only with nouns, Elladan. With nouns, it helps a little bit in distinguishing between the possessive and the plural. For example, you write horses if you are talking about more than one horse, but you write horse's if you are trying to show that a horse possesses something."
"Such as a horse's mane?"
"That is correct, Elrohir."
Elrohir smirked at Elladan.
"And if the noun already ends in s because it's plural, you just add an apostrophe at the end—isn't that right, Erestor?"
"Very good, Elrohir. Let's say an elf owns a bow. That would be the elf's bow. Now let's say a number of elves own bows. We've added a plural ending to turn elf into elves. Now we'll simply add the apostrophe: the elves' bows. We don't write the elves's bows. After all, you don't hear people saying "elveses bows."
"Estel does—and he's a human," giggled Elladan.
Erestor smiled. "That's true, Elladan, but Estel is only a baby. Babies make that sort of error until they can sort out both the fact that there are patterns to a language and that there seem to be exceptions to those patterns. Babies pick up the patterns, but only older children know when to apply the exceptions."
"Like me," gloated Elrohir.
"Hmph," snorted Elladan, "you still can't carry your Orcs!"
"Alright," said Erestor mildly, "let's stick to our possessives. We use the apostrophe and, in many cases, an s to show when a noun is possessive. But possessive pronouns are different. Would you add an apostrophe to his? Write his with an apostrophe and see if it looks right."
Elrohir and Elladan each hastily scrawled the word on their parchments: hi's.
"Well, does it look right?"
"No!" chorused the twins.
"So the pronoun his is possessive just as it is?"
"Yes!" chorused the twins.
"Treat the pronoun its the same way you treat the pronoun his. The pronoun its is possessive just as it is. In fact, if you add an apostrophe to the pronoun its, you are going to cause confusion, because there already is an it's in the Common Speech—it's just not a possessive pronoun. Instead, it's is a contraction—an abbreviated form of it is. A good way to discover whether you need an apostrophe is to substitute it is for it's. If the sentence still makes sense, you have a contraction and you can leave in the apostrophe. If it doesn't make sense, the word is a possessive pronoun, and you should drop the apostrophe. Let's try it: Write out this sentence with an apostrophe in the its: The balrog stretched it's wings.
The twins bent their heads over their parchments and wrote for a moment.
"Now, tell me, Elrohir and Elladan, would it make sense to read that sentence as The balrog stretched it is wings?"
Both elflings grimaced and shook their heads.
"So the apostrophe doesn't belong in that sentence, does it?"
"No," the twins agreed.
"Now, before I dismiss you for archery practice, I want each of you to compose one sentence that correctly uses the pronoun its and another sentence that correctly uses the contraction it's."
The twins returned their attention to their parchments and wrote for a few minutes.
"Ready, Elladan? Good. Then let's have your sentence with the pronoun its."
"The Orc dropped its sword."
"Correct. And now your sentence with the contraction it's?"
"It's time for our archery lesson."
"Ah, um, yes, that sentence does contain the contraction. Elrohir?"
"I've just thought of a sentence that has both the contraction and the possessive.
"Have you? Very well, Elrohir. Let's hear it."
"It's a good thing that the Orc dropped its sword."
"Very good, Elrohir, very good indeed."
"Yeah, Elrohir," chimed in Elladan, "if you can't keep track of Orcs, you'd better hope they drop their swords."
Erestor cradled his head in his hands and sighed as Elrohir leaped from his seat and chased his twin out the door. "Why, oh, why," he moaned, "won't Elrond let me resume patrolling with Glorfindel? I would rather face a ravenous Orc than another possessive pronoun!"
Next up: defiantly faces off against definitely.