Title: Relena's Tape
Author: Makoto Sagara
Category: Humor
Pairings: 1x2x5, 3x4, R+1 (one-sided)
Rating: R
Warnings: Shonen ai!, Humor, Relena bashing, Language, lime, nakedness
Disclaimers: Me? Own Gundam Wing? What are you on, and why aren't you sharing? Nope, not me. It belongs to Sunrise, Sotsu Agency, Bandai, and a bunch of other companies that I'm too lazy to look up. Making no money off of this. So, suing wouldn't be nice, ok?
A/N: I CLAIM NO PART OF THIS! I blame it on the cold I have, Cross Elements, and too much Coke at three AM. *bangs head on her desk* Oh, and then there is always Neko, the *bane* of my existence. I just wanted to work on Gundam Diaries. *sighs* Remember, it's *not* my fault.
Dedication: Hmmm, To Allie-cat and Rainy-chan, for having the same idea but with different stories in mind. Here's to you two lovely ladies. ^_^;;;
Duo sat on the couch of the house the five pilots were sharing. He was bored again. His lovers were off doing other things: Wufei was practicing his katas out in the back yard, and Heero was typing away madly at his laptop. Quatre and Trowa were in the bedroom they were sharing. And Duo, he was staring at the walls, until he spied a tape in the VCR.
He shrugged, and walked over to the VCR, shoved the tape in, turned on the TV, and sat back on the couch to watch whatever movie was on it. What he saw was enough to make him fall over, twitching, unconscious to the world.
Wufei came in after practicing his katas, looking forward to a shower. It was quiet. Too quiet, in his opinion. He knew that in a house with his braided lover that there was always noise to be heard. Taking in his surroundings, he started to look for Duo, keeping an eye out for a surprise attack.
He wasn't in the kitchen, the garage, the hangar where their Gundams were stored, or outside. Wufei was starting to get a bit worried. He walked into the bedroom he shared with his two lovers, but only found Heero there, typing on his infernal laptop.
"Heero, have you seen Maxwell anywhere?" he asked.
"Not since I told him to go away, an hour ago," Heero said, finally stopping the clicking on the keys to look up at his worried Chinese lover. "Why?"
"The house is quiet. Too quiet. And I can't find Duo anywhere," Wufei remarked, sitting on the edge of their bed.
"Did you try the living room?" Heero turned back around to his laptop, resuming his furiously paced typing.
"Yes, and I didn't see him there, either. He wasn't in the kitchen, garage, hangar, or outside," Wufei sighed. "I suppose I will just have to look again."
"Let me know if you need any help. With Duo away like this, he can't be up to anything good," Heero said, not looking up from his computer.
Wufei shut the door, and walked out into the living room again. The TV was on, and the light to the VCR was shining. /Duo would never leave the TV on with a tape in the VCR, unless something had come up,/ he thought. He walked purposefully to the VCR and turned it and the TV off. Then, he turned around to find his American lover passed out on the floor. Wufei ran to pick Duo up off the floor, and placed him gently on the couch.
"Duo?" he said, lightly slapping the pale boy's cheeks, but not waking him. "Maxwell," he growled, slapping a bit harder this time, still not receiving any sign that the braided boy was awakening. "DUO!" he yell, smacking Duo square across the cheek, leaving a red mark in the shape of his hand as soon as he removed it from his face, which woke the boy.
"Fei?" Duo said, throwing himself at his Chinese lover. "It was *horrible*! I *NEVER* want to see anything like it again," he sobbed into Wufei's shoulder.
"What was it?" Wufei asked, dazed by the odd circumstances of the whole situation.
"Re…Re… Relena!" Duo shouted, while his face took on an unhealthy shade of green.
"What about the onna?" Wufei still didn't understand what could traumatize Duo so much that he was on the verge of tears, throwing up, passing out, or all three simultaneously.
"Tape. Relena. Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick," Duo muttered. Wufei helped Duo into a sitting position on the couch, so he could place his head between his knees.
"What tape, Maxwell?"
"VCR."
Wufei raised a brow. /What could possibly be so horrible about a tape? And why is Duo rambling on about that Peacecraft onna?/ Leaving Duo to gain his composure, Wufei walked over to the TV and rewound the tape in the VCR. When it was done, he turned the television on, and hit the play button on the machine.
He watched in silent horror throughout the whole thing, and when it was finished, he turned around to find Duo passed out again. He rewound the horrible thing, and then walked through the house until he reached the room he shared with the other two.
The banging door made Heero look up from his laptop, glare firmly in place at the intruder. He was surprised to see Wufei there, looking as if he was fighting the urge to be ill and angry at the same time.
"Wufei? Daijoubu desu ka?" he asked, glare slipping a little.
"No," was the stony reply he received.
"What's wrong? Did you find…" He was cut off from whatever else he was going to say by Wufei grabbing his arm, dragging him through the house, and forcing him to sit on the couch, next to a still unconscious Duo.
"What the hell is going on? Why is the baka unconscious?" he asked, thoroughly confused, and showing it.
"Watch this," Wufei said, hitting the play button again. He then picked Duo up, and carried him out of the room.
Heero sat and watched as Relena, dressed in a tight, hot pink Lycra bodysuit appeared on the screen. He shuddered as she opened her mouth to talk.
"Heero, this is to you. My hot, Japanese Space Prince. I'm going to let you see how I exercise to keep in shape." A sickeningly sweet smile crossed her face. "Just for you, Heero." She winked. The Japanese boy suppressed the urge to throw up.
The tape continued for twenty-five of the longest minutes of Heero's life. He couldn't move, because he had been told to watch the thing, and like a car wreck, it was just demanding all of his attention.
Heero staggered back into their bedroom, tape gripped firmly in his hand. So firmly in fact that the tape was beginning to crack.
"Is he awake yet?" he said, finally able to find his voice again.
Wufei turned around. Heero looked as if he was going to be ill, not that Wufei blamed him much, and the tape was cracking. He walked over to Heero, and removed the plastic square from his lover's iron grasp.
"Not yet. Why in the *hell* would that… *ONNA* send you something like this? And why was it in the VCR?" Wufei yelled.
"I change my name, move away, pretend I'm someone else, anyone else, and *still* she finds me," Heero said, barely keeping his anger in check. "And how in the hell am I supposed to know how it got there? Did Duo tell you?"
"It was already in the VCR when I turned it on," Duo said weakly, not moving from his spot. "So, how we gonna get her back?"
Heero's face took on an eerily placid look. "I know just the way," he said, in a voice that made Wufei and Duo both shiver.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Ms. Relena, there is a package for you, from a Mr. Heero Yuy," Pargon said, holding a square box. Relena looked up at the sound of Heero's name and snatched the tape from her personal valet.
"Oh, I wonder what it could be!" she squealed, "I hope he got my present!" She ripped the package open, finding a tape and a note, which read: Watch the tape. "Oh, he *did*," she squealed again, much to the discomfort of the older gentleman in the room, "Leave me, Pargon."
"Yes, Ms. Relena," Pargon said gratefully. He did not want to be around her when she watched that tape.
As soon as the man left, Relena ran to her TV and put the tape in the VCR, hitting the play button as soon as the tape was in. Heero's face appeared in front of the screen, which caused the girl to scream in utter delight.
"Hello, Relena," Heero said, voice as cold as ice. "I would like for you to know that I received your *gift*, and as a thank you present, I would like to share something of my own." He walked away from the camera, revealing that he was naked, totally. He made his way to the bed in the room, and that's when Relena saw that he was not alone in the room. He was in the bed with….. Wufei and Duo, who were both equally naked.
Relena's eyes grew to the size of saucers. "No, It… It… It can't be true. Heero loves only me," she whimpered.
"Oi, Ojou-san, thanks, but *no* thanks for the tape, doll," Duo said, kissing Heero hard, and wiggling his body across the Chinese boy between them, causing him to moan.
Pargon realized that he had not heard anything from Relena's office in quite a while. He swiftly walked to her door and knocked. "Ms. Relena?"
He received no answer. He knocked a little louder. "Ms. Relena?" he asked, raising his voice. Still, no answer. He opened the door, seeing no sign of the girl anywhere, until he walked in the room. By her desk, the Pink Princess was passed out on the floor. Pargon quickly turned around, and left the room, determined to never ask what was so shocking on that tape she had received from Misters Yuy, Maxwell, and Chang.
Fin.