A/N: I always struggle with where to end fics… I have technically finished this fic but I am debating rewriting the ending after I get your opinions! As always - from Elizabeth's point of view unless otherwise noted!
The last week has felt like one giant gotcha moment. The events of our little spy reunion, the constant Marsh investigation, and worst of all… the senate appropriations committee hearings… I just want a reality check. Well, reality needs to be checked and put in its place.
On top of dealing with my staff and their extremely consequential moment of incompetence, I'm still trying to hide the engagement until we're ready to announce. We told the kids as soon as I got home from Texas and it was met with a fairly positive response. Henry had the kids involved to some degree so it wasn't a surprise to them but now it's here and it's real.
There are a lot of things that are real that feel like they're dampening this time. I'm trying to support Henry and help him convince Stevie to get back to school but I feel like my hands are tied in a lot of ways. She and I still aren't on the best of terms but we're both working to get back to a good point in our own ways.
I was ready to give up after the budget hearing. I debated if it was worth fighting for… this dream of peace and diplomacy that I'm a part of. Conrad was understandably livid at me for what has happened because ultimately it is my fault, even if my staff was handling the details, I handle them… they're my responsibility. Their screw ups are my screw ups.
Henry doesn't know how to handle this situation and honestly neither do I. I wish I could communicate what I need but that changes with every passing minute. He does know what helps to alleviate my stress and it seems a little crazy that we're having more sex than ever during this but damn, I need it.
I might not know what I want or need to support me, but I know what I want and need during sex and the stress somehow helps me communicate that. The past week I've needed a little pain to get my frustrations out. He is a great judge of the level of pain that I need. I tell him I want my hair pulled and he pulls it to the side so hard while biting my chest that I think that alone got me to an orgasm. To say the sex is amazing would be an understatement.
No amount of sex decreases my level of frustration with my staff. That's where Mike comes in. Like I told Russell, "a little cold terror over job security never hurt anyone." I trust Mike. I need people I can trust not to make career ending mistakes for me at this point.
As hard as my staff is to manage at this time, I know I would not be able to manage the kids if it wasn't for Henry. I wouldn't be able to manage the Marsh investigation, being the hands-on mother that I'm still determined to be, and handle being burned at the stake without him. He's got his own struggles with Stevie but I'm starting to think he may be the Ali and Jason whisperer as well.
Stevie finally agreed to at least consider going to Georgetown. I never thought my downfall would be her rebirth but I would happily do it for her. Microloans. Microloans of all things got her back to considering school. If I never hear that word again I think I'll be ok.
Sometimes I briefly distract myself with wedding planning. It also makes me want to pull my hair out but at least it doesn't end with late night phone calls from the president reaming me for it. Henry wants to get married in a church, I just want to get married, and neither one of us want to wait to years to make both of those things happen.
I don't want to name drop to get what we want but I guess if I have to, I will. He's got his eye on a small cathedral in Puerto Rico and if that's what he wants, I'm willing to do that. I don't care where it is or when it is, I'm just ready to be his wife.
Imagining being his wife doesn't help me deal with some of the things going on. There's a leak in the Marsh investigation and now it's become deadly. People I trusted with my life in numerous situations have betrayed me, and I still have to act like I know and feel nothing on the surface. It's hard to feel excited for the future when that's going on.
Throughout this, I've debated if a statement is even necessary. Is a wedding even necessary? Can we just go get married tomorrow and call it a day? I realize I'm wanting it all, I'm wanting a blissful marriage, I'm wanting motherhood, and I'm wanting my career.
And I will have it all.