Fragilis Pondera (Fragile Balance)
Part I: Afflictions
Tainted: Bakura
My Light is dawdling.
And because he is walking with the Pharaoh's Light, I can do nothing but fume and shout at him mentally to hurry up. I know why he dreads to go home. It's because once he's there, I can leave the confines of the Ring. Of course, I can leave the Ring at any time, but today, I just don't feel like tangling with the Pharaoh and his speeches.
Here by my side, an angel.
Here by my side, the devil.
They're such damn fools, all of them.
The way they look at me, the way they look at him and then back at me with anger and suspicion plain in their eyes. All of them do it, but the Pharaoh is the worst. Arrogant baka. Eventually, he'll figure out that he's not still the Morning and Evening Star, but until then, I have to deal with his ego. I eagerly await the day reality gives him a good slap in the face.
//If you were walking any slower, you'd be moving backwards.// I grumble, making my vast displeasure known, And don't think there won't be consequences for this later…
He doesn't answer.
Never turn your back on me.
Never turn your back on me, again…
He's wearing a long-sleeved shirt today, to cover the marks. Bruises, and scars. A lot of scars. But he's mine, my property, why shouldn't I mark property that's mine ? Marked, now no one would be stupid enough to take him… not that they could, take him from me. He's mine. Don't people in this millennia get that ? The Pharaoh and Malik understand -- though, while Malik marks like I do, the Pharaoh goes about his more subtly. But I see it. Jealous eyes, I think we spirits have.
I asked him once why he lied to them about where he got such marks. He said, "They'll hurt you if they find out, yami."
I didn't know how to answer that.
Here by my side, it's heaven…
Last week, he made me dinner.
I have no idea why. He knows I don't need to eat, and in point of fact, I rarely do, and yet he obviously spent a lot of time preparing this meal. I admit, it looked good, but it also made me… furious. How dare he presume to try and pacify me like that ? What, did he think a little domestic work made him worthy ?
There's a mark from that night. He cried.
Here by my side, you are destruction.
Later, I forced my way into his mind, and discovered that he wasn't crying because I had hurt him, or because that, after I shattered every mirror and piece of glass in the house -- again -- or because the meal was ruined.
Here by my side, a new colour to paint the world…
He was crying because I was unhappy.
Never turn your back on it,
Never turn your back on it again…
Careful, be careful…
Careful, be careful…
I hate weakness. Love, compassion, 'soft' emotions, they're all weaknesses. They blind you. They make you frail. I've seen what they can do. I've seen loyalty twisted, love spurned, kindness abandoned, friendship betrayed. Weakness, emotional, physical… it can kill you. I've seen it. Watched. I know.
My hikari is an embodiment of those weaknesses I loathe. He's so… innocent. Naïve, yes, but innocent in a pure, unblemished way. Like someone had captured a young moonbeam and put it into human form with big brown eyes.
So weak. Pathetic, and I should hate him with everything I am. Shouldn't I ? I'm chained to this weakling !
He makes me angry, and then he often bears the weight of that anger.
This is where the world drops off,
Where the world drops off…
Careful, be careful…
He never retaliates. At first, that pleased me. Pleased me that I'd put him in his place. I was the strong one. I wanted him strong, too, but he needed to know who was in charge. Then he looked up at me with shocked, dismayed tears in his eyes, and I felt… something. Guilt.
How could he make me feel guilty ?
You breathe in, and you breathe out,
For it ain't so weird,
How it makes you a weapon…
I don't… understand him.
We're meant to be together. Not the sappy sort of 'live together, happily ever after' drivel. No; we're yami and hikari, and that bond is deeper than mind or body. He's my other half, and much as I hate to admit it, I need him.
And you give in,
And you give out…
I guess that's the irony of it all. He's so pure and innocent, almost too much so. A true Light. I'm a Dark. It's what I am and I'm proud of it. I don't want to change, even if I could, I wouldn't. I'm everything he's not.
But there must be balance. To two who are connected like we are, yami and hikari, we have to balance out each other. Our souls will tear themselves apart if we don't.
You know the yin-yang symbol ? Two equal halves, the sign of perfect balance. A little bit of light exists in the dark, and a little bit of dark lives in the light.
That's the thing I encourage. That little taint. I've got to protect it. Not for his sake… but for mine.
Never turn your back on it,
Never turn your back on it again,
Careful, be careful…
I can live with him hating me. If he hates me, that little bit of dark within him will remain. So the little bit of light in me will be protected, too. Safe.
I need that light.
I'm scared to think what will happen… if it goes out.
"Weapon" - Matthew Good Band