Fragilis Pondera (Fragile Balance)
Part I: Afflictions
Impaired: Malik
Completion.
There's no other word for it.
He's my… completion.
All day,
Staring at the ceiling making,
Friends with shadows on my wall.
I've always lived with the shadows. My earliest memory is of getting lost in the underground labyrinth I spent my childhood in. After several terrifying hours in the absolute blackness, Isis found me and brought me back to the living chambers. She said I had been crouched in the corner, talking to myself. I don't remember that particular part of the experience, but I trust her word. Not sure how I feel about knowing that, but I suppose… it was an inkling of knowing I wasn't really alone.
My yami is a terrifying, strange creature.
I need him.
All night,
I'm hearing voices telling me,
That I should get some sleep,
Because tomorrow might be good,
For something.
Some days, I wake up and look at the sun and want to scream in frustration and make blood spill and let it run in red rivers through the street… And in those times, I'm not sure if I'm me or my yami, and I'm not sure if there's even a difference between the two of us, because we're so alike and yet… different.
And in those times when he talks to me and encourages me to vent my rage and turn it on everything I've ever loved and treasured, I hate him and love him for the very thing that he is, that part of me, separate, joined, bonded, broken.
Hold on,
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown.
I don't know why.
And then I run.
I scare Isis, my big sister, I'll take off and disappear for days or sometimes weeks on end, and she knows better to come after me when I'm like this. Sometimes I sneak back to the house and hide and watch as she paces, nervous, worried, waiting for me to come home.
I always come home, though.
Sometimes in tears.
Sometimes in blood.
But I always come home.
I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little unwell.
I know right now you can't tell,
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see,
A different side of me.
I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little impaired.
I know right now you don't care,
But soon enough you're gonna think of me,
And how I used to be.
And then sometimes, it's so easy.
Sometimes, everything just falls into place and everything seems wonderful. And I don't have to worry, I know everything's going to be ok, and I'm ok too. At those times, I know my yami would never hurt me, would never hurt Isis, would never do anything to upset me; on the contrary, he will whisper in my mind like a cool desert breeze and tell me I mean everything to him.
And I believe him.
See me,
Talking to myself in public,
And dodging glances on the train.
And on those precious days, I like to wander, and explore.
We moved around a lot, but when we settled down I took to spending all the daylight hours scouring the city, just to see what there was. A number of nightly hours were devoted to this task as well, but Isis got so harried over it I finally cut back.
My yami didn't like that, but he wouldn't do anything to 'give me tears'.
Gods, how I need him.
He's my sanity.
I know,
I know they've all been talking 'bout me.
I can hear them whisper,
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me.
They loathe him, and I don't care.
How can I care what they think, when they don't understand… and the ones that do understand…
I'm afraid of them.
I'm not afraid to admit my fear of that… there's a lot of things that I'm afraid of.
My yami is one of them.
Out of all the hours thinking,
Somehow...
I've lost my mind.
But there are those nights when he tickles the back of my neck just to get me to squirm, and then he puts me in his lap and whispers Egyptian lullabies in my ear all night long, and I forgot about sleeping because I only need to hear his voice. Mine, but not. His, but still some of my tones, all blended together, mumbling nothings into my hair and chuckling occasionally when he remembers something or when I try to sing back to him but don't know the words and end up humming.
And he'll take me out to the rooftops and point out the stars to me… I never saw the stars growing up, they were always separated from me by tons of rock and sand and tradition.
Cold, brilliant-bright, beautiful stars.
Not like him.
But I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little unwell.
I know right now you can't tell,
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see,
A different side of me.
I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little impaired.
I know right now you don't care,
But soon enough you're gonna think of me,
And how I used to be.
You see, he loves me. He has no choice. He must love me, that's the only thing that completes him the way it completes me. Yami… hikari… so strange a concept. Because we don't exactly balance each other out… there's too much dark.
But… there must be something, must be, must be, must must must…
Balance.
We don't balance each other.
But something has to.
It must.
We don't know what it is.
My yami says that he doesn't care.
I'd like to know, though.
Talking in my sleep,
Pretty soon they'll come to get me,
They'll be taking me away.
And it can melt away so fast. Like a flood of sun and blood and fire, it's all gone, and there's a little spot, little-little, of knowing it's all going and you can't stop it, and I beg and scream and curse and cry for it to be over. And then I laugh and shriek and command it, because it's me, and I can't remember why I ever locked such a part of me away, such a beautiful part that can't be contained.
I'm not sure what I like better.
I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little unwell.
I know right now you can't tell,
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see,
A different side of me.
I'm not crazy,
I'm just a little impaired.
I know right now you don't care,
But soon enough you're gonna think of me,
And how I used to be.
And I can't decide if I care either way.
"Unwell" - Matchbox 20