Fragilis Pondera (Fragile Balance)

Part I: Afflictions

Burdened: Yami

Something is wrong with the sum of us,
That I can't seem to erase.

You don't see it, do you, little Light ?

Maybe that's for the best. You shouldn't have to sleep with those nightmares.

The nightmares… are the least of this poison, though.

How can I be the only one,
Without a smile on my face ?

I watch you with your friends; I find it so hard to believe that once, they barely knew you existed. Who could see your light and not want to be near it ? Maybe they were just fools. But now they're friends, good ones at that, and you're grateful for that. You wished for that, I heard you.

'I want a friend.'

At the time… I had no idea who or what I was… I was too disoriented from the Puzzle being in pieces. Our bond was only just beginning to form then, but even then, it was strong enough for me to listen to you.

'Who are you ?'

 'Who are you ?'

'Let's play a game, Ushio.'

'What did you do ?'

Did I startle you, my little Light ? I was acting on pure instinct, some forgotten drive that was augmented by a newfound desire to protect you. And then you questioned me, and I had no answers for you, did I ?

And yet… you still trusted me.

Even with the your tormentor curled into a pathetic ball, whimpering to himself; how could he comprehend what I had done to him ? Even I barely understood it.

Even then… you trusted me.

I was a spirit, a Darkness, and all you did was look at me and thank me shyly for protecting you.

Little Aibou.

You're laughing out loud,
At just the thought of being alive,
And I was wondering,
Could I just be you tonight ?

It's late, the night warm and gently raining, and you're out on the back porch, leaning over the railing and letting the raindrops run over your fingers. Delight visible on your face. Happiness in your movements, carefree in your thoughts.

/Come out, Yami./ You coax.

Could I ever deny you anything ?

The rain doesn't touch me, but you try to splash me anyway. Then you're out, actually dancing in the tepid drizzle, even though you know your Grandfather will chastise you for it later.

Does nothing in this world trouble you, little Light ?

You show your pain like it really hurts,
And I can't even start to feel mine.

And some nights, when you're asleep, curled beneath the blankets in a position half-defensive, half-natural, I watch over you from the doorway and wonder what I ever did to deserve such a bond with you.

And other nights, when you come knocking on my soul room door, even though you know I would never deny you entrance. I see the small unease settling in your eyes, but it brightens when you find me.

I can always read you in your eyes.

Sometimes, you help the memories return.

Do you remember ?

I do.

You crept cautiously into my soul room while I was immersed in a new memory. And when I came out of it, you were watching me with inquisitiveness. "Can I see too ?" you asked.

"It's not a very good memory."

"Oh. I'm sorry it's a bad memory."

"No, aibou, that's not what I meant." How precious you are, my little one. "I only meant, it's very vague. Do you still wish to see ?"

"Yes please, Yami."

And I'm standing in place with my head high,
And I shake I shake I shake…
And I see your progress stretched out for miles and miles.

'We won !'

'We did indeed.'

And your friends swarm around you, congratulating you, somehow knowing to wait until I am able to retract to the Puzzle before ruffling your hair and the like. I find that part amusing.

And later, when we're alone, and you look at me and smile your delight. "That was a great duel, wasn't it Yami ?"

"It was, aibou."

"And we did it together."

Never doubt your purity, little one, it shines from you as tangibly as the Light you are.

You're laughing out loud,
At just the thought of being alive,
And I was wondering,
Could I just be you tonight ?

There are those memories that I don't show you, though.

The ones even I recoil at.

I'm so afraid of sullying that purity with such horrors. I can handle them; they are mine, after all. Those are the ones I keep sealed away, not behind locked doors, but behind guarded shields.

It hurts to keep them from you, little Light.

We said we would share everything.

But…

This is the sound that I make,
These are the words I chose,
But somehow the right thing to say,
Just won't come out.

Only once.

I tried to tell you.

You didn't understand. Brow furrowed, trying to figure out my words, I'd twisted them to make them gentle for you and ended up distorting what I'd tried to say in the first place.

"What do you mean, Yami ?"

Oh, aibou, how could I even think about sharing such darkness with you ? Had I lost my mind ? You didn't deserve that knowledge… you are far too good for that.

"Nothing, hikari. Just thinking aloud. It's not important."

'Cuz you're laughing out loud,
At just the thought of being alive,
And I was wondering,
Could I just be you tonight ?

You're sleeping again, lost in pleasant dreams.

I was wondering,
Could I just be you tonight ?

Dream peacefully for us both, aibou.

"Could I Be You ?" - Matchbox 20