Fragilis Pondera (Fragile Balance)

Part III: Gemstones


Diamond : Bakura

I took their smiles and I made them mine.
I… I sold my soul just to hide the light.

//You'll never hear me apologize for what I've done.

//You know that. As do I.

//You only apologize for what you are sorry for. And I am not sorry for my past behaviours.//

//Any of them.

//Not ashamed of them. Not proud of some of them, but never ashamed. Shame, guilt… weaknesses.//

//… And you know how I feel about weaknesses, don't you, my Weak Light ?//

And now I see what I really am,
A thief, a criminal, and a liar.

//But…//

//… Some nights…//

//Some nights when you're sleeping or studying, quiet because you are always quiet, and I have nothing to do so I just watch you… I wonder.//

//I wonder how, exactly, how you manage to live with me.

//Unashamed, but not proud… what a paradox. Maybe you understand, and I don't, and that's why you endure me. Is that it ? Is that your secret ?//

I run to you,
Call out your name,
I see you there, farther away.

//You're farther away from me than you have ever been, you know that ? Because I have no excuses now… no confusion I can blame. No quiet enemy to accuse. No driving need that eclipses some nicer set of ethics. Just… me.

//Just me.

//What happened ?//

//I'm so… confused.//

I'm numb to you - numb and deaf and blind.
You give me all… but the reason why.

//Even my justifications and reasons seem so… empty, now.

//I swore to make you strong. You were stronger than I realized. I wanted to make you ready for this world… you were more ready than I gave you credit for. What… why…//

//And I know… I know you've had opportunities to be rid of me… the Pharaoh has said he'll banish me, given the chance. Not to the Shadow Realm, but for good. From something even I could not survive. I know he can. But you always claim it's fine. You know it's not. As does he. But you always…//

//Protect me.

//Weak Light.

//Why ? Why would you bother to shield me ? After all I have done, after all I have committed, you should be eager, willing, why not frantic to have me gone. But you're not. You confound me to no end, baka.

//And… and yet… I'm glad.

I reach but I feel only air at night.
Not you, not love, just nothing.

//Everything was so much… easier… clearer… when the Millennium Items were still my goal. By Ra, when did I lose my focus ? Was it you, my Weak Light, that got me off track ? Perhaps. I should be angry at you, but I don't feel it. I feel… empty.

//Numb. Like being imprisoned again.

//Worse the second time around.//

//Ah, but I was strong. Five thousand years in that hellish yet addicting living labyrinth and I'm as strong, if not stronger than before. Unbroken.//

//If that's not a measure of strength, then what is ?//

//It's the only way I know…//

I run to you,
Call out your name,
I see you there, farther away.

//But then… the times I have lost my temper. And the walls of my soul room weren't enough to contain my rage. And you should have fled, damn you, you should have… let me burn off my anger, and you didn't. Baka ! You didn't !//

//You never do.

//And I hate you for that ! When will you learn ?!//

//I will never change. I cannot change. I am who I am. I am what I am.

//Why do you think that I will become something better ? Why do you keep trying to mold me into something I can never become ?//

//It infuriates me !//

//And it… frightens me, too.

//Where do you find the strength to keep trying ?//

//And why… why does this same strength elude me ?//

Try to forget you,
But without you I feel nothing.
Don't leave me here, by myself.
I can't breathe.

// I remember. I make sure that you don't, but I remember.//

//You got rid of the Ring. You took it off and threw it away, and because it was you who had gotten rid of it and not someone else interfering, the Ring couldn't come back. Not without your want for it to do so.

//It hurt.

//Everything slowly sealed up. I was cut off. I couldn't see what was happening. My senses dulled.//

//When I finally figured out what was happening, I yelled at you. Screamed. Cursed. You didn't hear a thing. You couldn't, not without the link between us that the Ring's power created. Did it feel good, my Weak Light ? To know you were free of me ? I can't take physical form when you're separated from the Ring. I was trapped. Helpless.//

//Did that give you a feeling of power ?//

//I… don't know how I felt.

//Empty. Angry.

//Miserable.//

//Not only could I sense nothing… you were gone. For good. Who could blame you ? I didn't… how could I blame you for wanting to get rid of me ?//

//I didn't.//

I run to you,
Call out your name,
I see you there, farther away.

//But…//

//You… came back.

//An hour, a day later. I don't know. Time's meaningless in the Items. It helps to keep their spirits sane, although I'm sure that wasn't an added feature when the Items were created.//

//It slowly filtered in that you had returned. The connection grew bright again… you had put the Ring back on. Accepting it back, though only Set knows why, every instinct must have been screaming at you to keep your distance, to destroy any link that may return you to… me.//

/Yami ?/
//…//
/Yami, answer me… please./
//Ryou ?//
/I'm sorry…/
//…//
/I don't care if you yell at me… just please, say something… I can barely feel you…/
// I'm here…//
/Are you all right ?/
//I…//
/I'm sorry… I just… I couldn't… you always said I was never going to be strong enough to get rid of the Ring… I wasn't really thinking… I just… I don't know…/
//So you did it to prove me wrong ?//
/No, I… I… I'm sorry, yami./
//I know.//
/Do… can… will you forgive me ?/
//… Yeah.
/… You do ?/
//Yeah. Just don't do it again.
/I won't. I won't./

Farther away, farther away, farther away,
Farther away, farther away…

"Farther Away" – Evanescence