Fragilis Pondera (Fragile Balance)

Part III: Gemstones


Sapphire : Ryou

My black backpack's stuffed with broken dreams,
Twenty bucks should get me through the week.

He thinks I don't remember.

I do.

I remember tearing the Ring off and hearing the sudden silence, like a pounding headache; I remember flinging it far down into the ravine where I knew no one would find it; I remember walking home, almost in a trance, taking my time as I had not dared to do in so long. I remember going over my plan to run. I didn't know if the Ring, if… if he could get back to me. So I would flee, I would find my father, who would probably raise an eyebrow but nevertheless welcome me to stay with him. I had a plan. I wasn't going to be a puppet any longer.

… I remember the feeling of being so utterly, completely, inconsolably alone.

Two days.

That's it.

Just two simple days of… freedom ?

I went back. Frantically, fearfully, recklessly… I retrieved the Ring and put it on. The abrupt double-presence in the back of my mind was welcome, but faint.

/Yami ?/

//…//

/Yami, answer me… please./

Oh god, what had I done ?

//Ryou ?//

/I'm sorry…/

//…//

No, no… he sounded so faint ! Did I do that ? I thought removing the Ring would just separate us, but what if it did more to him ? What if it was actually hurting him, or sealing him back away, or --

/I don't care if you yell at me… just please, say something… I can barely feel you…/

// I'm here…//

/Are you all right ?/

//I…//

/I'm sorry… I just… I couldn't… you always said I was never going to be strong enough to get rid of the Ring… I wasn't really thinking… I just… I don't know…/

//So you did it to prove me wrong ?//

Yami, yami, please, I know you understand, why do you always do this, go all cold ? I said I was sorry…

/No, I… I… I'm sorry, yami./

//I know.

/Do… can… will you forgive me ?/

Who am I kidding ? After what I just did, I don't even know why I'm asking. Weak, just like he says, I know he's the strong one, but…

//… Yeah.

/… You do ?/

//Yeah. Just don't do it again.

/I won't. I won't./

Never. Never, never again…

Never said a word of discontentment,
Thought it a thousand times but now,
I'm leaving home.

You're brooding again.

I spent the afternoon at the movies with Yugi and the others. You used to forbid me to do stuff like that, but now you just tell me irritably that you really don't care what I do, and then put the blocks up around your thoughts and your soul room so I have no idea what you're doing… I only know that I can't communicate with you when you do that.

You used to control me, but now, you just ignore me.

This is worse.

What have I done to make myself so low in your eyes that you don't even care when I spend time with Yugi ?

And how can I fix it ?

You confuse me so much…

Here in the shadows,
I'm safe, I'm free.
I've nowhere else to go, but,
I cannot stay where I don't belong.

I admit it. I need you. You've always told me this, but I need you in a different sort of way. Not to protect me, or control me, but to complete me. I think I'm finally understanding why Malik hates his yami so much and yet they rotate around each other like two suns, two eclipsed suns.

Equilibrium.

Is this what you meant, when you said that I'd eventually get it ? If it is, I've got it now, yami. I think I understand.

It… it's not too late, is it ?

Time passes by and it's getting cold.
I know I'm not lost, I'm just alone.

"What are you doing ?"

"Just organizing some of our extra cards, yami."

"Why ?"

"Because they needed it. They were just clumped together in the bottom of the deck box. Want to help ?"

"Keh. Baka."

You have no idea how much that hurts, do you ? Or maybe you do…

"So if the rate of cell division is .841 per hour, and the original cell mass is 4.4, and the length of the experiment is --"

"Now what are you doing ?"

"My math homework."

"Why ?"

"It's due tomorrow."

But I won't cry, I won't give up,
I can't go back now.

I know I've said it before, but… I'll wait.

Until your pride, or your past, allow you to at least acknowledge that I care about you… and maybe, that you care about me in return. More than just my body, I mean. More than the fact that I'm the possessor of the Ring, or your other half.

I've got time.

Not immortality, but time. And patience. And hope.

Even if you laugh at me for that.

Waking up is knowing who you really are.

"Goodnight, yami."

"Hn."

"What are you looking at outside ?"

"… Stars."

"See any familiar constellations ?"

"The Hunter and the Nile Bird."

"Do they remind you of Egypt ?"

"… Hn."

I want to ask you for a story… but you haven't done that for a long time. Since your memory came back. Or if you have, I don't remember it. It's entirely possible that you've taken more than a few memories from me, besides the times you use my body and lock me in my soul room --

//Ch, all you do is chatter ! How can you be so quiet out loud and so damned noisy in my head ?//

Oops. /Sorry, yami./ Definitely not the best time to ask for a story, then.

//Aw, does little Ryou want a bedtime story ?// The sarcasm is hard to miss. You turn to sneer at me… I wish you wouldn't.

/I… never mind, yami, I'm sorry for disturbing you. Goodnight./

//… Hikari ?//

/Yes, yami ?/

//…What kind of story ?//

Here in the shadows,
I'm safe, I'm free.
I've nowhere else to go, but,
I cannot stay where I don't belong.

Maybe things won't get better. I have to accept that possibility, but I've been through the 'worse' part. Maybe you'll never change, but I like to think that you are, because you're different now than you used to be. I won't say kinder, but not as aggressive towards me, at least.

Will he ever be like Yami Yugi is towards Yugi ? I very much doubt it. In fact, I'm pretty positive. But… well, maybe he cares in a different way. Possessive, of course, prideful and vicious and fierce, but that's just who he is.

And who am I to change that ?

Yeah. Maybe Malik's got the right idea. Completion.

Marik'll never let him live that one down.

Show me the shadow where true meaning lies.

And those times when you ignore me, or those few times when you still give me your 'lessons'…

I forgive you.

Like I could do anything else.

So much more is made in empty eyes.

//Hikari ?//

/Yes, yami ?/

//What are you doing ?//

/Reading./

//What are you reading ?//

/A book on Egypt's history./

//Ch. Books are usually wrong.

/Oh./

//I suppose I could tell you a true version.//

/Would you, please ?/

//Hn. Baka. I just said I would.

I can't help it; I grin.

/I'd like that, yami./

"Exodus" – Evanescence