Fragilis Pondera (Fragile Balance)

Part III: Gemstones


Ruby : Yami

How can you see into my eyes, like open doors ?
Leading you down into my core, where I've become so numb.

You've always been able to read me, and you know this. You have always known this. And yet, you often pretend that you can't. I do not know what to think about this. The pretending itself doesn't bother me, but more the question, why is it you need to mask yourself in the first place ? If you are worried that I will be displeased, you should know you never need to worry…

/What's that expression for, Yami ? You look like you just ate a lemon./

Silly Aibou. //Do I, now ?//

/Yep./

//I can assure you, I have eaten no such thing.//

/I know that, silly !/

… Do you even realize how much light you shine, little one ?

Without a soul, my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold.
Until you find it there and lead it back home.

The Puzzle, my prison and sanctuary. Quite ironic, actually.

That the thing to kept me sane for those millennia is now managing to drive me to madness in the short time since I have awoken. I sometimes wonder if this is nothing but a jest of Ra, of the Gods, as if they were to mock me this would be how they would go about it.

Maybe I let them mock me, if only to know that I have not totally been forgotten.

(Wake me up), wake me up inside.
(I can't wake up), wake me up inside.
(Save me.) Call my name and save me from the dark.

Perhaps I'm a fool for my attempts to drown myself in pity as of late, but it seems to inevitable. I would laugh to use the word 'destined' except I feel no discomfort in doing so.

And yet… I hate that single thought.

Is this… all of this, all that I have come to ?

(Wake me up), bid my blood to run.
(I can't wake up) before I come undone.
(Save me.) Save me from the nothing I've become.

You've fallen asleep on your language book, little Aibou.

I would move you to the bed but you seem so peaceful that I do not wish to disturb you, even for that. Instead I stand over you; you are so deep within your slumber that I realize you must have been exhausted.

I… I hadn't noticed.

I think about this, trying to pass it off as a false distraction, but in the dim room and the glow of your lamp… I find I simply can't. I just… didn't notice. For a moment this bewilders me… or more specifically, the reaction to this bewilders me. Confused, I move to turn off the lamp so you can at least sleep more comfortably, when I notice that the page you are resting on looks… familiar.

Pyramids ?

Now that I know what I'm without, you can't just leave me !

Carefully, I pull the book from beneath you, pausing as you shift, mumble, and fall back into your deep sleep. I cannot help but smile, watching you, little one. The book has piqued my interest now, though. A simple black and white line-sketch of a pyramid on the left-hand page… and immediately captivates my attention. Curiousity ?

Homesickness ? Longing ?

I turn my attention to what is written on the right page.

Breathe into me and make me real, bring me to life.

Ozymandias of Egypt

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: -- Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,
The hand that mock'd them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains: round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

P.B. Shelley

I read the passage… knowing nothing of it's author nor when it was written… nor what it's intended meaning was, but suddenly, I realize that this King of Kings… this Pharaoh who ruled long after my time…

This poem, written in 1818, was inspiried by the huge statue of Ramses II that had fallen in the inner courtyard of the Ramasseum. Ramses II, who was the probable pharaoh at the time of the exodus, erected a statue to himself in this arena. It is the largest known statue cut from a single block of stone. The statue weighs over 100 tons and fell victim to an earthquake many years ago. The statue and the gigantic temple was supposed to stand for all eternity as a demonstration of Ramses II 's greatness and his power over life and death…

… An atoll in the middle of a sea of sand, ruling over everything forgotten and turned to dust. A King of the past ! A sovereign of ruins and old memories turned brittle with time.

I suddenly have the urge to fling the book as far and as hard as I am able, but I don't. Only because it will wake Yugi, and upset him. Only because of that. Instead, I drop the book onto the bed and glare.

It rings too resoundingly for my liking.

I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside.

My title ? I am King of Games. And it means less and less to me, and I don't know why. It's a crown heavier than any Double Crown I wore in Egypt, because it draws upon you, too, doesn't it ? Game King, Game Prince, Yugioh, it really doesn't matter what the title actually is. What ironic mirth, this is… you see, I am not incapable of losing. Far from it, actually. But I cannot control… it.

And you have begun to understand this, little one.

And unlike me, you seem to find this… interesting. Fascinating, even, though you won't say anything because you think that I would disapprove. Do I disapprove ? I don't know; it has simply become a fact that I exist in tandem with. It puzzles me that you do not find such a thing to be… unfair, though.

Or maybe you do, and you just don't let me know it ?

When did you start keeping such things from me ?

Frozen inside without your touch, without your love,
Only you are the life among the dead.

If not for you… I would be insane.

Do you know that ? Can you possibly fathom that ? Does that knowledge lie hidden beneath the looks of pride and adoration and friendship ?

And yet even with your presence, there are times -- like now -- where I begin to wonder if I still am truly sane at all. What am I ? Some forgotten spirit, passed out of time and memory, like a traveler strayed too far from a birth-land, forgetful… oblivious.

And still stubbornly clinging to shards of the past. Arrogant. Prideful. Always in control, but of what ?

This cannot… this cannot be all there is.

Can it ?

All of this time, I can't believe I couldn't see,
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me.
I've been sleeping a thousand years, it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.

"Yami ?"

… I have woken you. For the briefest of moments I curse my stupidity. "Yes, aibou ?"

"Are you ok ? You're… angry ?"

You are confused and rightfully so; without knowing it, I've allowed some of my turbulent thoughts to linger on the fringes of our bond. I smile, though… I would never burden you with such things, little Light. You should know that. "It's nothing, hikari. I was just thinking. I'm sorry I woke you."

You yawn, then grin. I cannot help it, I smile back. What would I do without you ? I dare not think about it. If I could slip so far into my angry musings while you were merely asleep…

No. I will not think on that, either.

Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul.
Don't let me die here, there must be something wrong.

And at the fraying edges of my sanity…

I will keep looking.

There is something else.

I will find it.

I have to find it.

Bring me to life.

Or I will be no more than that shattered visage, looking proudly out over a kingdom of… nothingness. Of ruins and shadows and memories, a King of Games with only the remnants of that sovereignty.

The Gods mock me with these thoughts.

I hate that I am grateful for even that.

"Bring Me To Life" – Evanescence