To those of you who are reading this WITHOUT reading The Cousin's
Conspiracy first, you are committing one of the seven sins. GO BACK AND
READ!
*
Artemis Fowl: The Return of the Kin
By Tessa And Jennie
Chapter One: Suspicion
It was an oddly cold morning, considering that it was July. Rain drizzled outside, not even a proper thunderstorm, and even inside, there was a very wet and dreary feel to the air.
Over the sodden streets of Denver fell the shadow of the gray clouds. One would hardly guess that it was midday, for only a quarter of the usual amount of cars cluttered the interstate and highways. The few people on lunch break sped busily to random bagel shops. Most, however, had the better fortune to be inside.
And some did not.
Tessa and Jennie knew this and resented it. They were one of the few outside, only the girls had no choice in the matter, for on that particular morning Jennie's mother had woken and decided to carpet clean.
Despite the weather.
"I swear Auntie Leah plans this," grumbled Tessa as the cousins huddled in the far corner of the porch, trying to avoid chilly gusts of wind. "On the one July morning that feels like November, she has to go and lock us outside. Remind me again why Ally gets to stay in the kitchen and WE have to stay out here?"
"Tessa, do you remember what happened the last time we were barricaded in the kitchen?"
"We ate a whole meringue pie," recalled the teenager. "But. . ."
"I know. THIS is child abuse."
"No it's not," Tessa sighed. "It's merely more demonic, vengeful plots constructed by our conniving mothers. It's not child abuse until they lock us out here without coats."
Jennie shivered and drew her fleece tighter about her. "Damn carpet cleaning anyway."
"I strongly agree."
"Can this day get any worse, Tessa?"
Tessa reviewed the day. "Beginning at eight in the morning, your mother has been cleaning carpets and covering the floor with towels under the premonition that she is helping us in some strange and objectionable way. Since the only places on this lot without carpet are a) the bathroom b) the kitchen and c) outside, we were sent outside to freeze, each with a book, and since then we have both finished our books AND read each other's."
"You didn't answer the question."
"Yes, I think the day could get worse."
Jennie gaped. "How?"
"It's midday, and I'm starving, and if our parents forget to bring something out here - or let us in to get something to eat - I will be very enraged." Tessa inspected her nails.
Her cousin thought about this. The only thing she found to say was, "Damn carpet cleaning."
"You've said that about fifty times in the past four hours," Tessa informed her patiently. "It's getting sort of old."
"What do you want me to say? Damn my mother's evil schemes?"
"You've been saying that too."
Jennie chewed on that for a while and came up with, "Damn the lock on the back door that has been mysteriously fixed to prevent us from getting inside to the kitchen."
A gust of wind rattled the leaves in the apple tree. Both cousins shivered.
"The lock hates us," Tessa agreed.
"My mother hates us."
"Even the blasted weather hates us."
"No, Tessa, weather can't hate. The weather is strongly prejudiced against us."
There was no doubt about it; the cousins were bored. Not the best thing for them to be. When THE cousins were bored. . . bad things happened. ((A/N: Jennie, remember the Mesa Verde Elijah Wood tour guide? LOL! I swear, that dude could have been passed off as like a twin. To everyone else: we were bored, okay? And like I said. . . bad things happened. *cough cough*))
It was Tessa who brought up what they were both thinking about.
"I wonder what Artemis Fowl is doing," she mused.
Jennie, who was exceptionally grumpy, hungry, chilled, and wet, turned on her. "Would you quit bringing it up? We're never going back." She was referring, of course, to last month's adventure with criminal mastermind Artemis Fowl. Tessa had accidentally transported them to Middle-Earth, where she had met her crush Frodo Baggins and Jennie had destroyed the One Ring.
Tessa fingered the vial of Halfling blood that hung from a chain about her neck. There was a steely glint in her eye. "We might."
The other lapsed into a wistful silence. Might. Those blessed twelve hours of Tolkien! What she would give to feel the weight of Legolas's bow on her shoulder again, or to be stranded in the icy plains of Rohan during the winter.
Tessa could see the yearning glint in her cousin's eyes. She smiled sadly. Their adventure haunted them both. Even the weekly letters they received from Artemis could not dull the sharp yearning in both of them, for the majestic realm where Hobbits were real. . .
A noise brought them back to the real world. Or rather, the absence of a noise. Leah's accursed carpet cleaning had halted.
Jennie felt the handle of the door. It was still locked.
"DAMMIT!" she said, very flushed. "What is my mother DOING to us?"
Tessa, from where she was beginning to reread her book, looked up briefly. "Chinese water torture. Slow, infuriating, and wet." She gestured at the rain pouring down around them. "This is a bit of an alternative method, but it still fits the three requirements."
The other was listening at the door. "Um. Tess?"
With a resigned sigh, Tessa put her book aside. "Now what?"
"I don't know if it's an illusion or something to do with the wood-" Jennie rapped it softly with her knuckles "-but I can hear them talking."
"They're probably discussing the wonders of the Swiffer."
"No, actually." She listened a moment, and her eyes went up. "I heard the word 'Ireland', Tessa!"
Her cousin scrambled over. "Budge up a little," she ordered.
The cousins fought for space before they overheard "Ireland" again.
"That's where Artemis lives," Tessa hissed.
"Shh!"
Now they could hear Kristin, Tessa's mom, loud and clear. "I don't know if that's a good idea, Leah. Fran would never want to."
Jennie noticed that the door wasn't latched completely. Giving it her full weight, she moved it inwards a crack, until the back door was partly open. Feeling stupid for not thinking of it before, she motioned Tessa forward. They leaned into the room.
What they heard made their eyes open in astonishment.
The subject under discussion was not carpet cleaning.
*
A continent away, Artemis and Butler were patrolling the disabled armory room in Fowl Manor together, deep in discussion about the properties of weapons.
"One third iron? Wasn't it completely-"
"No, there was a measure of bronze in the old style, I'm sure-"
Artemis stopped talking as a distant clock chimed. He allowed himself a tiny smile. "Butler, I hate to cut this conversation short, but I have business to attend to."
"What business, sir? You aren't conducting an exploit without my supervision."
"Not an exploit, Butler. An experiment."
The manservant watched as his charge hurried away. Strange, that the Master should no longer trust him. Or was it merely a lack of dependence?
Troubled, he turned away.
Artemis half-ran down the hall to his bedroom, where his laptop waited. Flicking it open, he began to type madly. Foaly had contacted the mastermind a day before, telling him to meet an appointment at the hour of twelve. ((A/N: Yes I know it wouldn't be the same time in Ireland as it is in America, but I don't know what time it WOULD be, so bear with me.))
Wondering briefly why the People wanted to get in touch with him, Artemis sent the instant messenger. ~What do you want, Foaly?~
The answer came back fairly quickly. ~I'll make it short, Mud Boy.~
The mastermind steepled his fingers and waited. After a long pause, he typed again. ~The People usually don't trouble me. Is everything all right?~
Something else occurred to him. ~The cousins haven't done anything unfortunate, have they?!~
~Cousins, cousins, that's all we ever get out of you these days, Fowl.~
Artemis scowled. ~They mean a lot to me.~
~Fowl the Unfeeling, caring for someone?~ The response was incredulous. ~You've changed a LOT.~
~Yes, well. What do you want?!~
~Let me guess. You want to get back to writing to your sweethearts.~
~FOALY!~
~Did I offend the Mud Man? Oh dear. Bad me. Remind me to keep my mouth shut about your intense love life.~
~It's not love!~
There was no response from Foaly at this. Artemis sighed and typed. ~Really!~
~You were in Middle-Earth for twelve hours. Romance is the only explanation that yours truly can conceive.~
~It was a long twelve hours, okay?~
~I won't look into it.~
The mastermind was beginning to hate all centaurs whether they deserved it or not. Most probably did. ~Would you just tell me what you want? I was talking to Butler.~
~Asking for tips on how to catch female eyes, no doubt.~
~You really like to antagonize me, don't you?~
~Maybe. You weren't as satisfying to bother as Julius, however, until about five minutes ago.~
~Why did you bother me if you're just going to sit there and mock me?~ Artemis typed furiously.
~Fine. I MIGHT get around to explaining if you didn't overreact to my jokes.~
~Ha. Ha. Now will you tell me?~
Odd. He could just SEE the centaur heaving a long-suffering sigh.
~Very well, Fowl. Do you remember Opal Kaboi?~
~No, I do not remember the pixie who almost had me killed, Foaly.~
~I see I am not the only one gifted in sarcasm.~
~FOALY!~
~Well, we had her thrown into Howler's Peak after the incident.~
~And?~ Artemis prodded after a moment.
~She no longer occupies that residence.~
Artemis stared at the instant message. Read it. Reread it. Tried to comprehend it.
~You let her escape. The most deranged pixie in the history of the People and she is running freely once again.~
~We didn't mean to!~ Foaly typed.
~What you meant to. . . oh, never mind. Though it passes my understanding how a criminal can be evading the LEP and yet their controls centaur has the time to insult their lone ally.~
~Point taken. I apologize.~
~What do you want me to do?!~
~Keep your eyes open, Fowl. Kaboi is vindictive. She'll hurt you badly if you don't watch out. We are all in danger now.~
Their connection snapped. Artemis found himself staring at his normal desktop.
"That can't be good," he said aloud.
How very right he was. Miles below the surface of the earth, in Howler's Peak, a mysteriously drugged guard snored like a drunk goblin. There was no sign of where his former captive, Kaboi, had gone. For all he knew, the shielded pixie could be two steps away, ready to cut his throat. But that was not her priority. She was not going to strike down common guards; no, this time she was going for the power of Haven, and this time, she would not fail.
It was not good at all.
*
Coooeee! It's a lawng one! Seven pages. . . yikes.
*
Artemis Fowl: The Return of the Kin
By Tessa And Jennie
Chapter One: Suspicion
It was an oddly cold morning, considering that it was July. Rain drizzled outside, not even a proper thunderstorm, and even inside, there was a very wet and dreary feel to the air.
Over the sodden streets of Denver fell the shadow of the gray clouds. One would hardly guess that it was midday, for only a quarter of the usual amount of cars cluttered the interstate and highways. The few people on lunch break sped busily to random bagel shops. Most, however, had the better fortune to be inside.
And some did not.
Tessa and Jennie knew this and resented it. They were one of the few outside, only the girls had no choice in the matter, for on that particular morning Jennie's mother had woken and decided to carpet clean.
Despite the weather.
"I swear Auntie Leah plans this," grumbled Tessa as the cousins huddled in the far corner of the porch, trying to avoid chilly gusts of wind. "On the one July morning that feels like November, she has to go and lock us outside. Remind me again why Ally gets to stay in the kitchen and WE have to stay out here?"
"Tessa, do you remember what happened the last time we were barricaded in the kitchen?"
"We ate a whole meringue pie," recalled the teenager. "But. . ."
"I know. THIS is child abuse."
"No it's not," Tessa sighed. "It's merely more demonic, vengeful plots constructed by our conniving mothers. It's not child abuse until they lock us out here without coats."
Jennie shivered and drew her fleece tighter about her. "Damn carpet cleaning anyway."
"I strongly agree."
"Can this day get any worse, Tessa?"
Tessa reviewed the day. "Beginning at eight in the morning, your mother has been cleaning carpets and covering the floor with towels under the premonition that she is helping us in some strange and objectionable way. Since the only places on this lot without carpet are a) the bathroom b) the kitchen and c) outside, we were sent outside to freeze, each with a book, and since then we have both finished our books AND read each other's."
"You didn't answer the question."
"Yes, I think the day could get worse."
Jennie gaped. "How?"
"It's midday, and I'm starving, and if our parents forget to bring something out here - or let us in to get something to eat - I will be very enraged." Tessa inspected her nails.
Her cousin thought about this. The only thing she found to say was, "Damn carpet cleaning."
"You've said that about fifty times in the past four hours," Tessa informed her patiently. "It's getting sort of old."
"What do you want me to say? Damn my mother's evil schemes?"
"You've been saying that too."
Jennie chewed on that for a while and came up with, "Damn the lock on the back door that has been mysteriously fixed to prevent us from getting inside to the kitchen."
A gust of wind rattled the leaves in the apple tree. Both cousins shivered.
"The lock hates us," Tessa agreed.
"My mother hates us."
"Even the blasted weather hates us."
"No, Tessa, weather can't hate. The weather is strongly prejudiced against us."
There was no doubt about it; the cousins were bored. Not the best thing for them to be. When THE cousins were bored. . . bad things happened. ((A/N: Jennie, remember the Mesa Verde Elijah Wood tour guide? LOL! I swear, that dude could have been passed off as like a twin. To everyone else: we were bored, okay? And like I said. . . bad things happened. *cough cough*))
It was Tessa who brought up what they were both thinking about.
"I wonder what Artemis Fowl is doing," she mused.
Jennie, who was exceptionally grumpy, hungry, chilled, and wet, turned on her. "Would you quit bringing it up? We're never going back." She was referring, of course, to last month's adventure with criminal mastermind Artemis Fowl. Tessa had accidentally transported them to Middle-Earth, where she had met her crush Frodo Baggins and Jennie had destroyed the One Ring.
Tessa fingered the vial of Halfling blood that hung from a chain about her neck. There was a steely glint in her eye. "We might."
The other lapsed into a wistful silence. Might. Those blessed twelve hours of Tolkien! What she would give to feel the weight of Legolas's bow on her shoulder again, or to be stranded in the icy plains of Rohan during the winter.
Tessa could see the yearning glint in her cousin's eyes. She smiled sadly. Their adventure haunted them both. Even the weekly letters they received from Artemis could not dull the sharp yearning in both of them, for the majestic realm where Hobbits were real. . .
A noise brought them back to the real world. Or rather, the absence of a noise. Leah's accursed carpet cleaning had halted.
Jennie felt the handle of the door. It was still locked.
"DAMMIT!" she said, very flushed. "What is my mother DOING to us?"
Tessa, from where she was beginning to reread her book, looked up briefly. "Chinese water torture. Slow, infuriating, and wet." She gestured at the rain pouring down around them. "This is a bit of an alternative method, but it still fits the three requirements."
The other was listening at the door. "Um. Tess?"
With a resigned sigh, Tessa put her book aside. "Now what?"
"I don't know if it's an illusion or something to do with the wood-" Jennie rapped it softly with her knuckles "-but I can hear them talking."
"They're probably discussing the wonders of the Swiffer."
"No, actually." She listened a moment, and her eyes went up. "I heard the word 'Ireland', Tessa!"
Her cousin scrambled over. "Budge up a little," she ordered.
The cousins fought for space before they overheard "Ireland" again.
"That's where Artemis lives," Tessa hissed.
"Shh!"
Now they could hear Kristin, Tessa's mom, loud and clear. "I don't know if that's a good idea, Leah. Fran would never want to."
Jennie noticed that the door wasn't latched completely. Giving it her full weight, she moved it inwards a crack, until the back door was partly open. Feeling stupid for not thinking of it before, she motioned Tessa forward. They leaned into the room.
What they heard made their eyes open in astonishment.
The subject under discussion was not carpet cleaning.
*
A continent away, Artemis and Butler were patrolling the disabled armory room in Fowl Manor together, deep in discussion about the properties of weapons.
"One third iron? Wasn't it completely-"
"No, there was a measure of bronze in the old style, I'm sure-"
Artemis stopped talking as a distant clock chimed. He allowed himself a tiny smile. "Butler, I hate to cut this conversation short, but I have business to attend to."
"What business, sir? You aren't conducting an exploit without my supervision."
"Not an exploit, Butler. An experiment."
The manservant watched as his charge hurried away. Strange, that the Master should no longer trust him. Or was it merely a lack of dependence?
Troubled, he turned away.
Artemis half-ran down the hall to his bedroom, where his laptop waited. Flicking it open, he began to type madly. Foaly had contacted the mastermind a day before, telling him to meet an appointment at the hour of twelve. ((A/N: Yes I know it wouldn't be the same time in Ireland as it is in America, but I don't know what time it WOULD be, so bear with me.))
Wondering briefly why the People wanted to get in touch with him, Artemis sent the instant messenger. ~What do you want, Foaly?~
The answer came back fairly quickly. ~I'll make it short, Mud Boy.~
The mastermind steepled his fingers and waited. After a long pause, he typed again. ~The People usually don't trouble me. Is everything all right?~
Something else occurred to him. ~The cousins haven't done anything unfortunate, have they?!~
~Cousins, cousins, that's all we ever get out of you these days, Fowl.~
Artemis scowled. ~They mean a lot to me.~
~Fowl the Unfeeling, caring for someone?~ The response was incredulous. ~You've changed a LOT.~
~Yes, well. What do you want?!~
~Let me guess. You want to get back to writing to your sweethearts.~
~FOALY!~
~Did I offend the Mud Man? Oh dear. Bad me. Remind me to keep my mouth shut about your intense love life.~
~It's not love!~
There was no response from Foaly at this. Artemis sighed and typed. ~Really!~
~You were in Middle-Earth for twelve hours. Romance is the only explanation that yours truly can conceive.~
~It was a long twelve hours, okay?~
~I won't look into it.~
The mastermind was beginning to hate all centaurs whether they deserved it or not. Most probably did. ~Would you just tell me what you want? I was talking to Butler.~
~Asking for tips on how to catch female eyes, no doubt.~
~You really like to antagonize me, don't you?~
~Maybe. You weren't as satisfying to bother as Julius, however, until about five minutes ago.~
~Why did you bother me if you're just going to sit there and mock me?~ Artemis typed furiously.
~Fine. I MIGHT get around to explaining if you didn't overreact to my jokes.~
~Ha. Ha. Now will you tell me?~
Odd. He could just SEE the centaur heaving a long-suffering sigh.
~Very well, Fowl. Do you remember Opal Kaboi?~
~No, I do not remember the pixie who almost had me killed, Foaly.~
~I see I am not the only one gifted in sarcasm.~
~FOALY!~
~Well, we had her thrown into Howler's Peak after the incident.~
~And?~ Artemis prodded after a moment.
~She no longer occupies that residence.~
Artemis stared at the instant message. Read it. Reread it. Tried to comprehend it.
~You let her escape. The most deranged pixie in the history of the People and she is running freely once again.~
~We didn't mean to!~ Foaly typed.
~What you meant to. . . oh, never mind. Though it passes my understanding how a criminal can be evading the LEP and yet their controls centaur has the time to insult their lone ally.~
~Point taken. I apologize.~
~What do you want me to do?!~
~Keep your eyes open, Fowl. Kaboi is vindictive. She'll hurt you badly if you don't watch out. We are all in danger now.~
Their connection snapped. Artemis found himself staring at his normal desktop.
"That can't be good," he said aloud.
How very right he was. Miles below the surface of the earth, in Howler's Peak, a mysteriously drugged guard snored like a drunk goblin. There was no sign of where his former captive, Kaboi, had gone. For all he knew, the shielded pixie could be two steps away, ready to cut his throat. But that was not her priority. She was not going to strike down common guards; no, this time she was going for the power of Haven, and this time, she would not fail.
It was not good at all.
*
Coooeee! It's a lawng one! Seven pages. . . yikes.