December 2004

"CJ, Simon is on line 3," Carol said as she popped into CJ's office while CJ was getting ready to give her 10AM briefing.  CJ nodded and picked up the phone with a feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. Simon knew her briefing schedule, and for him to call literally minutes before a briefing was alarming, to say the least; especially since Nikki had just come home from the hospital, again.

"Si, what's wrong?"

He sighed heavily on the other side of the line. "CJ, I don't know. I just…Nikki won't talk to me. She's upset, she didn't want her CPT or meds today…but she won't tell me what's wrong. She did ask if she can come over and have lunch with you…" he trailed off. CJ's stomach tightened. Nikki occasionally rebelled against taking her medicines, but she never refused her Chest Physical Therapy (CPT). She knew very well that the price would be too high if she did.

"OK," CJ said softly, looking at her schedule. "Is she up right now?"

"She has a headache, she's lying down." He said quietly.

"Is one OK?" CJ asked.

"That's fine," he answered. "I'm sorry I called right before the briefing."

"That's OK," she responded. "Let's figure out what's going on."

After the briefing and several meetings in which she was hardly present mentally, CJ went back to her office and tried to do some work. Deep inside, she knew what was on Nikki's mind. She suspected Simon knew too, but refused to acknowledge it.

Carol's heart gave a painful lurch when Simon brought Nikki to CJ's office at one. The girl looked tired and pale. Worse – she looked depressed. She was now on 24-hours supplemental oxygen, and CJ told Carol several days earlier that Nikki hated that part more than anything else.

Carol ushered them into CJ's office and closed the door.

"Hey, baby." CJ kissed Nikki lovingly, and then kissed Simon. She noted how tired *he* looked, and wondered if she looked as bad. In the past six months, Nikki spent more time in the hospital than out, and the stress was taking its toll on all three of them.

"I'll be on the cell," Simon said softly, returning her kiss. "If I don't hear from you, when should I pick Nikki up?"

"I cleared my schedule till three," CJ touched his face gently. "She can probably rest here afterwards, if she'd like. I have some meetings but I can take them in other rooms around here."

"Can I stay, dad?" Nikki asked quietly.

Simon looked at CJ. She nodded. He sighed and said, "OK, just buzz me when Nikki wants to go home." He kissed his daughter and left.

After he left, CJ thought some time by himself would do Simon good. "Respite time," her mother's hospice nurses called it so long ago. Time to recharge the caregiver's batteries, rest, live a life outside the trenches. Simon was on a leave of absence from the Secret Service – with Nikki's health situation so precarious, it was impossible for him to do his job effectively or safely. But he was her primary caregiver, and getting him to take care of himself was nearly impossible. CJ would have taken time off herself gladly, but they needed at least one salary, and if *she* were distracted, no one's life was at stake. So she stayed at work. 

She sat on the couch next to Nikki. "You were asleep when I left, sweetie. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you this morning."

"It's happening more these days," said Nikki bitterly, and CJ flinched.

"Honey I'm sorry…" she began, but Nikki cut her off.

"I didn't mean it like an accusation!" she cried out. She lowered her voice and said, "It's just… I'm getting worse."

"We may still get lucky and find a donor." CJ thought of all the people in the West Wing who have been spreading the word in the last year, and all those who were tested to see if they can be living donors for Nikki – a last resort option that was now desperately needed.

Nikki shook her head. "I keep hoping, and I keep getting sicker. And I…CJ, I don't want to die when I only just started living!"

CJ held her close, thinking of the past two years. Nikki spent a good chunk of the summer of 2002 practically living in CJ's office during the week, and befriended all of the Senior Staff and their assistants. She was able to make Toby laugh, which earned her a meeting with the President –"I had to meet the lady who made the impossible happen," he exclaimed. She loved learning about the workings of the West Wing, and turned her knowledge from the summer into an extra-credit project during the school year.

She was CJ's Maid of Honor at CJ's and Simon's Rose Garden wedding, but the day held bittersweet memories for CJ. The wedding was beautiful, but Nikki struggled in the latter part of the day, and Abbey took her upstairs to the Residence, so she could rest. Looking in on her when the festivities were winding down, CJ and Simon knew there was no way they could leave on their honeymoon as planned. While the quiet week they spent at home turned out to be wonderful for all three, it was the point at which CJ realized how desperately sick Nikki really was. Somehow, she had lived in partial denial up to that point.

***

February 2005

In the car on the way back home, Simon retreated into his silence again. CJ touched his hand, but he didn't respond, not even glancing her way. He was gone again, the way he had been since Nikki died. And CJ started to feel anger rise in her, born out of grief and despair.

'I'm hurting too, damn you!' She wanted to scream. And she wanted to beg him not to shut her out. 'Look at me, Simon. I'm still alive. And we need each other, now more than ever.'

But her husband kept staring out the window, his eyes focused on the image of a beautiful young girl with brown hair and blue eyes, the one he failed to protect.