Chapter Seven: An Interesting Encounter
Artemis was reading.
More accurately, Artemis was engrossed in a long, dull, shitty copy of the Odyssey merely because there was nothing else to do. He was slightly bemused by the fact that he was apparently named after a Greek goddess. . .
With a tired, wretched sigh, he set the green-bound book down and glanced at the clock. The minutes hand had descended .3 millimeters since the last time he had checked it.
Was Butler so helpless when it came to speed?
The thought was cruel, and the boy put it aside immediately. His father had lost his own butler, and loans were a new requirement in the Manor. If Butler was detained by other business, then his charge must be patient and try not to think about the strange mixture of enthusiasm, expectation and pitting dread he felt at mention of the word "cousins."
Artemis grimaced and stood up, gazing over his bedframe out the open western window in his room. A beautiful Irish sunset met his eyes. The pulsing orange star, wreathed in clouds of gossimer yellow and deep magenta, was poised over a distant chisled mountain. In the distance, the mastermind's keen eyes picked out the low, hulking shape of the airport, a cluster of planes and lights in the fading light.
Biting his lip against the sudden apprehension that swamped him, Artemis turned and sat back down on his neatly made bed.
Was it so difficult, to know he was going to see them?
The thought made him cringe. Yes, it was. God knew he missed them, but to have them return? Was he ever in for a wild ride.
Not that he didn't want to see them again. . .
Oh, this was confusing!
Despite his attempts to submerge it, the thought rose again unbidden; a memory of being enthroned by fire and ash, standing on the threshhold of Mount Doom, tasting the air of a world that was not supposed to exist. If not for them, would he have ever held Anduril? Would he have ever seen a hobbit?
Would he have ever known the feeling of being a person who mattered?
Holly Short, Butler, and Foaly would have all protested this question. But he knew he was right. The cousins had accepted him, and befriended him, and come to consider him a crucial addition to their lives - all subconsciously. Holly, Butler, and Foaly had no such endearment of him. -They- had worked to adapt.
With another, more plaintive exhale, Artemis picked up a paper full of spidery handwriting. It was a recent letter to him, from the girls.
*
Dear Artemis,
We're writing to tell you that we still don't know what day our Ireland flight is. Kristin keeps meaning to tell us, and then she gets sidetracked. Last time, it was because Tess had used all the jelly beans for a mosaic in the garden.
(Several scratched-out words that look like "Hey, it was a pretty cool mosaic! I had fit in the scene in Rivendell where the hobbits reunite! Sam was messed up though. . . Alison said he looked a bit like a hamster. . .")
By the way, Alison's coming to Ireland with us.
Jennie reckons we can lock her in a mall changing room pretty fast though.
If you can find a store with the newest style denim tops. . .
. . . yeah, we should be able to lose her. . .
Tessa wants to know if there's any bookstores near Fowl Manor. . .
See you soon!
-Jennie and Tessa
*
He set down the paper and gazed out the window unseeingly. Odd. Artemis could even hear their voices sometimes.
Merely considering this burned his cheeks. Foaly had accused him of being enamored of the cousins. Well, he'd see when they actually GOT here. . .
"You DAMNABLE sandals! Oh, my, god, I am SO going to buy new ones tomorrow at the very latest! Look, Tessa, the strap's torn right off the end."
The mastermind smiled faintly. Irony. It loved to bite him on the ass, didn't it?
"Say, Butly, how big's the key for this thing?"
Artemis was still trying to figure out if the cousins were seriously standing outside the Manor's front door or if he was just hallucinating, but those words snapped him out of it. "Butly"? Was Butler with them?
A giant moved into his range of sight from the window.
"Pretty big, miss Tess." The reply was weary and condescending.
The mastermind groaned aloud. His betrayer bodyguard was consorting with cousins!
Worse, they were comfortably calling each other their names, signifying being together for several hours at least.
Several hours. . . Artemis suddenly snickered. For Butler, the experience had no doubt been frightening.
The sound of the key in the lock sent him sprinting down the stairs to intercept his guests. Natural instinct took over as he did so, however, and words emerged from his mouth that he wondered to hear:
"Good evening."
Oaken frames swept back to reveal two faces smiling at him, and suddenly Artemis didn't know what to say. He wasn't speechless; he just couldn't find a single phrase that expressed an adaquete greeting.
Several minutes passed as he tried to regain control of his voice.
Jennie broke the silence. "Good evening yourself, you big bad-ass silent man," she snapped, brushing past him. "Mom said we couldn't stay long, because we have to go to dinner in half an hour, but Butler said he'd drive us to the restaurant, because he thought you'd want to come. Dunno if I want you to though if you're just going to sit around spouting formality. Look at my damn sandals!"
Having no other option, Artemis looked. The sandal in question was obviously past its experation date.
"She wants to go shopping," another voice stated. "Can't say I'd mind. Get AWAY from these two pesticides. You wouldn't have BELIEVED their shitty behavior on the plane. Like, Hell on Wings. Hiya, squirt!"
Alison waved in front of Artemis's blank stare. "Hellooo?"
The last of the three relatives entered without saying a word. Grey-blue eyes met the mastermind's own blue, and then Tessa smiled. "Don't say hi, will ya? Got any hobbit on the menu over here?"
Artemis felt his jaw drop. "Ooerrrr," he said finally. "Um.. No?"
She grinned. "I'll find some. Don't worry. Wildlife always crops up for me. . . I am the queen predator. . ." With a broad, frightening wink, she stalked after her cousin. The mastermind turned and stared after them. "Agag," he commented, slightly off-balance at the thought of Tessa stalking "wildlife".
But the genes of criminals in his blood were not wasted, and after several moments in which he regained his composure, he went after the girls hastily, praying Juliet had not seen them-
"ARTEMIIIS!"
So much for secrecy.
"Ah," Artemis contradicted, stepping into the hall where the cousins were being held up by Juliet. "Ah, erhm. . ."
It was going too fast, dammit! He'd fantasized about this moment upon his return a month ago, and here they were in the hall talking to Juliet while he stood there waiting for the mushy, sappy hug they were supposed to give him and what the hell? I mean, they're supposed to say "omigod, we missed you," not "Hiya, squirt!"
At LEAST a tear would be nice at the symbolic moment.
Juliet, however, was definitely not concerned about any sappy hugs at the moment. "Arty," she said in a falsetto whine, "who are these people?" Only the glint in her eyes told him about the danger these individuals were in.
"Agag," the mastermind repeated. "They're, ubble, visiting. Yeah."
Jennie was peering at the older girl with slitted eyes. "You're fat," she said conversationally, for the sake of a good brawl.
Unfortunately, she didn't know that Juliet could kick ass.
Artemis went from white to grey to purple to green to a very funny shade of turquoise in rapid succession as he saw the glint in the older teenager's eye become demonic. Butler and his charge both turned directly around and hid their eyes. They had seen Juliet suplex a pizza boy, as well as some other nastier viler things. . .
The cousins, however, had not seen any such things, and they joined battle with a will. Sandal and suitcase alike were forgotton as the war began.
"You fat blonde apewoman!" Tessa screamed enthusiastically. "OWWW! K, for THAT I'm breaking your finger-"
"Let go, you short twit!"
"Like hell I will! Go get a lollipop and shove it, it might match you to the pain of what you just did! Do you play soccer or something?!"
"Oops, did I just rip out your hair?"
"That'll leave a lovely bruise in the morning. . ."
"OMIGOD! This is a DEMON! Didja see where she stabbed me?"
"Bony elbows, huh? How bout I give you one in the eye!"
"YOU BLEEDING BITCH, YOU!"
"Oh, crap, I think she broke my thumb!"
"Give her the wrench!"
Artemis cranked open an eye as the dialogue flew fast and thick. "I think the cousins are winning," he murmured to Butler, awed.
"You don't want me to snap THIS joint, do you? Oops. .."
"O, sorry, that was your groin-"
"LET GO OF ME, YOU IMMATURE BRATS!"
With a terrified glance at his manservant, the mastermind slowly turned around. Juliet was pinned on the ground, scarlet in the face and puffing. Her right ring finger splinted out in an odd angle, her nose was bleeding, and she had a black eye. Tessa had her hair in a tight fist as she kneed the girl's abdomen; Jennie had her legs pinned. As though she felt the boy's eyes, she looked up.
"Where's your bathroom?" the girl asked casually. "If I hold it any longer, I think I'm gonna bust."
*
Underground - THE BEGINNING OF THE KABOI EMPIRE -
Opal Kaboi slunk down the hall, giggling wickedly. In one hand she held a common china bowl. It was full of a random sprite's blood, which she had, um, harvested before returning.
The sprite in question she towed along behind her, unconscious. It was Chix Verbil. With another malicious chuckle, the pixie dragged him into her labratories. A structure known to the People as a bio-bomb, temporarily disabled, hovered in the air. Kaboi giggled and walked over to it, dropping Chix. He groaned.
With a long slim hand, the pixie dribbled the blood into the bomb. It quivered as se began reprogramming it.
All of ten minutes later, she stood back, proud. Instructed now to open its doors to a host of Orcs in Middle-Earth and carry them back to the real world, the bio-bomb was harmless.
Now to power it. . .
Chix Verbil was still unconscious. Tiny blue sparks flickered over his body, and Kaboi shrilly giggled. Placing a hand on his form, and the other on her bomb, she wished.
"I wish this bio-bomb would go and do what it is programmed to do. . . thus beginning the era of Kaboi!"
It flickered out.
Far away, in Middle-Earth, a large hollow craft sped along the river Isen, up to a fortress crammed with Uruk-Hai. . .
The perfect army for a crafty pixie. . .
Artemis was reading.
More accurately, Artemis was engrossed in a long, dull, shitty copy of the Odyssey merely because there was nothing else to do. He was slightly bemused by the fact that he was apparently named after a Greek goddess. . .
With a tired, wretched sigh, he set the green-bound book down and glanced at the clock. The minutes hand had descended .3 millimeters since the last time he had checked it.
Was Butler so helpless when it came to speed?
The thought was cruel, and the boy put it aside immediately. His father had lost his own butler, and loans were a new requirement in the Manor. If Butler was detained by other business, then his charge must be patient and try not to think about the strange mixture of enthusiasm, expectation and pitting dread he felt at mention of the word "cousins."
Artemis grimaced and stood up, gazing over his bedframe out the open western window in his room. A beautiful Irish sunset met his eyes. The pulsing orange star, wreathed in clouds of gossimer yellow and deep magenta, was poised over a distant chisled mountain. In the distance, the mastermind's keen eyes picked out the low, hulking shape of the airport, a cluster of planes and lights in the fading light.
Biting his lip against the sudden apprehension that swamped him, Artemis turned and sat back down on his neatly made bed.
Was it so difficult, to know he was going to see them?
The thought made him cringe. Yes, it was. God knew he missed them, but to have them return? Was he ever in for a wild ride.
Not that he didn't want to see them again. . .
Oh, this was confusing!
Despite his attempts to submerge it, the thought rose again unbidden; a memory of being enthroned by fire and ash, standing on the threshhold of Mount Doom, tasting the air of a world that was not supposed to exist. If not for them, would he have ever held Anduril? Would he have ever seen a hobbit?
Would he have ever known the feeling of being a person who mattered?
Holly Short, Butler, and Foaly would have all protested this question. But he knew he was right. The cousins had accepted him, and befriended him, and come to consider him a crucial addition to their lives - all subconsciously. Holly, Butler, and Foaly had no such endearment of him. -They- had worked to adapt.
With another, more plaintive exhale, Artemis picked up a paper full of spidery handwriting. It was a recent letter to him, from the girls.
*
Dear Artemis,
We're writing to tell you that we still don't know what day our Ireland flight is. Kristin keeps meaning to tell us, and then she gets sidetracked. Last time, it was because Tess had used all the jelly beans for a mosaic in the garden.
(Several scratched-out words that look like "Hey, it was a pretty cool mosaic! I had fit in the scene in Rivendell where the hobbits reunite! Sam was messed up though. . . Alison said he looked a bit like a hamster. . .")
By the way, Alison's coming to Ireland with us.
Jennie reckons we can lock her in a mall changing room pretty fast though.
If you can find a store with the newest style denim tops. . .
. . . yeah, we should be able to lose her. . .
Tessa wants to know if there's any bookstores near Fowl Manor. . .
See you soon!
-Jennie and Tessa
*
He set down the paper and gazed out the window unseeingly. Odd. Artemis could even hear their voices sometimes.
Merely considering this burned his cheeks. Foaly had accused him of being enamored of the cousins. Well, he'd see when they actually GOT here. . .
"You DAMNABLE sandals! Oh, my, god, I am SO going to buy new ones tomorrow at the very latest! Look, Tessa, the strap's torn right off the end."
The mastermind smiled faintly. Irony. It loved to bite him on the ass, didn't it?
"Say, Butly, how big's the key for this thing?"
Artemis was still trying to figure out if the cousins were seriously standing outside the Manor's front door or if he was just hallucinating, but those words snapped him out of it. "Butly"? Was Butler with them?
A giant moved into his range of sight from the window.
"Pretty big, miss Tess." The reply was weary and condescending.
The mastermind groaned aloud. His betrayer bodyguard was consorting with cousins!
Worse, they were comfortably calling each other their names, signifying being together for several hours at least.
Several hours. . . Artemis suddenly snickered. For Butler, the experience had no doubt been frightening.
The sound of the key in the lock sent him sprinting down the stairs to intercept his guests. Natural instinct took over as he did so, however, and words emerged from his mouth that he wondered to hear:
"Good evening."
Oaken frames swept back to reveal two faces smiling at him, and suddenly Artemis didn't know what to say. He wasn't speechless; he just couldn't find a single phrase that expressed an adaquete greeting.
Several minutes passed as he tried to regain control of his voice.
Jennie broke the silence. "Good evening yourself, you big bad-ass silent man," she snapped, brushing past him. "Mom said we couldn't stay long, because we have to go to dinner in half an hour, but Butler said he'd drive us to the restaurant, because he thought you'd want to come. Dunno if I want you to though if you're just going to sit around spouting formality. Look at my damn sandals!"
Having no other option, Artemis looked. The sandal in question was obviously past its experation date.
"She wants to go shopping," another voice stated. "Can't say I'd mind. Get AWAY from these two pesticides. You wouldn't have BELIEVED their shitty behavior on the plane. Like, Hell on Wings. Hiya, squirt!"
Alison waved in front of Artemis's blank stare. "Hellooo?"
The last of the three relatives entered without saying a word. Grey-blue eyes met the mastermind's own blue, and then Tessa smiled. "Don't say hi, will ya? Got any hobbit on the menu over here?"
Artemis felt his jaw drop. "Ooerrrr," he said finally. "Um.. No?"
She grinned. "I'll find some. Don't worry. Wildlife always crops up for me. . . I am the queen predator. . ." With a broad, frightening wink, she stalked after her cousin. The mastermind turned and stared after them. "Agag," he commented, slightly off-balance at the thought of Tessa stalking "wildlife".
But the genes of criminals in his blood were not wasted, and after several moments in which he regained his composure, he went after the girls hastily, praying Juliet had not seen them-
"ARTEMIIIS!"
So much for secrecy.
"Ah," Artemis contradicted, stepping into the hall where the cousins were being held up by Juliet. "Ah, erhm. . ."
It was going too fast, dammit! He'd fantasized about this moment upon his return a month ago, and here they were in the hall talking to Juliet while he stood there waiting for the mushy, sappy hug they were supposed to give him and what the hell? I mean, they're supposed to say "omigod, we missed you," not "Hiya, squirt!"
At LEAST a tear would be nice at the symbolic moment.
Juliet, however, was definitely not concerned about any sappy hugs at the moment. "Arty," she said in a falsetto whine, "who are these people?" Only the glint in her eyes told him about the danger these individuals were in.
"Agag," the mastermind repeated. "They're, ubble, visiting. Yeah."
Jennie was peering at the older girl with slitted eyes. "You're fat," she said conversationally, for the sake of a good brawl.
Unfortunately, she didn't know that Juliet could kick ass.
Artemis went from white to grey to purple to green to a very funny shade of turquoise in rapid succession as he saw the glint in the older teenager's eye become demonic. Butler and his charge both turned directly around and hid their eyes. They had seen Juliet suplex a pizza boy, as well as some other nastier viler things. . .
The cousins, however, had not seen any such things, and they joined battle with a will. Sandal and suitcase alike were forgotton as the war began.
"You fat blonde apewoman!" Tessa screamed enthusiastically. "OWWW! K, for THAT I'm breaking your finger-"
"Let go, you short twit!"
"Like hell I will! Go get a lollipop and shove it, it might match you to the pain of what you just did! Do you play soccer or something?!"
"Oops, did I just rip out your hair?"
"That'll leave a lovely bruise in the morning. . ."
"OMIGOD! This is a DEMON! Didja see where she stabbed me?"
"Bony elbows, huh? How bout I give you one in the eye!"
"YOU BLEEDING BITCH, YOU!"
"Oh, crap, I think she broke my thumb!"
"Give her the wrench!"
Artemis cranked open an eye as the dialogue flew fast and thick. "I think the cousins are winning," he murmured to Butler, awed.
"You don't want me to snap THIS joint, do you? Oops. .."
"O, sorry, that was your groin-"
"LET GO OF ME, YOU IMMATURE BRATS!"
With a terrified glance at his manservant, the mastermind slowly turned around. Juliet was pinned on the ground, scarlet in the face and puffing. Her right ring finger splinted out in an odd angle, her nose was bleeding, and she had a black eye. Tessa had her hair in a tight fist as she kneed the girl's abdomen; Jennie had her legs pinned. As though she felt the boy's eyes, she looked up.
"Where's your bathroom?" the girl asked casually. "If I hold it any longer, I think I'm gonna bust."
*
Underground - THE BEGINNING OF THE KABOI EMPIRE -
Opal Kaboi slunk down the hall, giggling wickedly. In one hand she held a common china bowl. It was full of a random sprite's blood, which she had, um, harvested before returning.
The sprite in question she towed along behind her, unconscious. It was Chix Verbil. With another malicious chuckle, the pixie dragged him into her labratories. A structure known to the People as a bio-bomb, temporarily disabled, hovered in the air. Kaboi giggled and walked over to it, dropping Chix. He groaned.
With a long slim hand, the pixie dribbled the blood into the bomb. It quivered as se began reprogramming it.
All of ten minutes later, she stood back, proud. Instructed now to open its doors to a host of Orcs in Middle-Earth and carry them back to the real world, the bio-bomb was harmless.
Now to power it. . .
Chix Verbil was still unconscious. Tiny blue sparks flickered over his body, and Kaboi shrilly giggled. Placing a hand on his form, and the other on her bomb, she wished.
"I wish this bio-bomb would go and do what it is programmed to do. . . thus beginning the era of Kaboi!"
It flickered out.
Far away, in Middle-Earth, a large hollow craft sped along the river Isen, up to a fortress crammed with Uruk-Hai. . .
The perfect army for a crafty pixie. . .