*First, quick note: SW would like everyone to know that in case anyone is interested, she has finished the first chunk of lemon for this fic. Obviously, it's not going to be posted here. But I put a link for it in my profile. If you can handle that sort of thing, you might want to have a look, as her romance writing is quite wonderful. (*No* she did not pay me to say that.. =))*
Pretty long, well-written, articulate reviews. I love reading all the insightful comments! It's great to see people pointing out specific instances which they were particularly fond of--and it helps me to know what sort of stuff you people are into. I think it'll come in handy when planning for the future of this fic! ~_^
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If you left a review for my last chapter and want to see my response, check the bottom of the page, please. Normally I'd put review responses at the top, but frankly, that just seems to eat up so much room.....
So for now, on with the fic!
~Amber
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~Seto's POV~
He's asleep. At least.....I believe that he's asleep. It's so difficult to tell.
Even in the darkness, I see the Eye. The scant light in the room catches on it's golden surface. It glimmers amidst the shadows...and the light bounces giddily. Smiling at me. Mocking me. I watch the flickering glow and have a desire to touch the cold surface....but something holds me back. Could it be...fear?
I hate things I don't understand. I hate magic, and all that nonsensical bullshit. It doesn't fit within the parameters of reason, the parameters of my world. Pegasus is another world to me. There are sides of him that I don't want to see, but that keep appearing. There are shadows within him. I hate that! I hate him for with-holding so many different aspects, so many pains and secrets. But I love him, also.
There are things he won't confide in me about. There are lives he's lived, and he buries them into the depths of his own mind. A part of me does not want to know. A part of me does not want to see this. I want to see Pegasus as harmless, a whimsical child. Like Mokuba. I want to believe that Pegasus is nothing more than what he shows when he smiles, when he pouts at me because I refuse to give him his way, when he comes running into the house and tramples me because he is a fucking nutcase.
That's the Pegasus I want to be with. That gentle, childlike sort of innocence. Something I can't ever find again in myself, something that I lost.....but something that I see again in him.
I look again at the Eye.
It will always be there. He will forever bear the scar, the empty tearless socket beneath. Pegasus can sleep, but his lidless Eye will never close.
I feel myself shiver.
Damn...damn him for this. My throat is dry. They say being in love is so damned wonderful...all those happy morons. I want to punch them all. Being in love is terrifying. It's a sharp fluttering in the stomach whenever he looks at me. It's the imminent all-consuming fear that I will lose him. He'll leave me...he'll die, or he'll leave me! I used to be secure. I used to worry like this only for Mokuba. Now I worry full-time. My fingers tremble when I touch him. He'll ...he'll die! I know that I won't be able to keep him.
Shit! Why did I have to let my guard down? Why did I have to let him do this to me? I used to feel so powerful, so in control. Now everything is a threat, a danger. Being in love is being afraid of loss. The bliss of companionship comes with the looming horrific fear that someday he'll be gone. How can I accept that? If only I hadn't let him get so close...I always swore that I was my own man, that I needed no one, that I was content in and of myself. I always swore that I'd never let anyone else get close enough to hurt me....
....and look at me now.
I love him. I do love him. But I...I can't say so out loud. I want to, Ra, I want to, but I can't. Why can't I? Why does my stupid pride have to keep getting in my way? I hate being vulnerable.
I'm watching him sleep again. Silver hair on rouge fabric.... He looks like an Angel.
I reach out and gently push the fallen strands back over the enigmatic golden relic. I can't stand to be reminded of the burden he wears. I want to be close to him, but I want to keep a safe distance as well. I want him to share his feelings and thoughts with me, but only to a point. I can't let things get too close. Distance has always been my method for ensuring my own emotional safety. Can't get too close...
But I love him. I love him and I need to tell him....I'm sure he wants to hear it. I tried to tell him earlier..but I couldn't.
I can do so now, though. Damn it, I will. I'll just say it. I'll go through with it. What possible harm could it cause me? Just three simple words.
"Pegasus?"
He doesn't respond.
"Pegasus? PEGASUS?!" I give him a good shake.
Still, no response.
"Wake up, husband."
I hear something.
"There's something I want to tell you...something I know you desperately want to hear...you see...I..."
I think he's trying to say something.
"...I.....I....oh bloody Ra! ...I.."
He snorts. The volume increases, and I finally realize his "purring" for what it is.
Pegasus is.......
.....snoring...! I can't believe this! Of all the inopportune moments.......!
"Fine then, sleep, you ass....Ra! I hate you!"
I hate him. How dare he sleep when I'm trying to talk to him? And they say I'm inconsiderate! I hate him. I want to smack him upside the head with a pillow. And just when I was about to get all sentimental and spill my heart out, and give him the tool he needs to torment me forever. Because once he knows....once he knows that I love him, I'll never have an edge again. I'll never have the leverage in our relationship. I'll never be able to argue with him, because he'll always use that against me. He'll know just how to cut me open, he can drive it all right into my heart if he so desires...
I hate him. I love him. I ...I... I don't know what the hell I think anymore!
I feel myself sigh.
Darkness. A faint and ghastly glow illuminates the room...the sole window is the source. If I peer outwards, I'll see the stars, and the clouds that flicker with a tinted blue haze, and the backdrop of the forever blackness on which they hang, the abyss of space, and the many levels of heaven. If I close my eyes, I'll dream of white dunes, alive with silver effulgence beneath the never-ending expanse of the darkness. The memories will drift languidly....and I'll deny them. Just visions in the shadows. Just pictures of the landscapes I saw in books. Places I've never been. Places I never want to go. Just dreams....of stranger times and older moons. Waning, swelling moons....shimmering like....like the Eye....
I think Pegasus is still snoring.
It just occurs to me that I am laying on the very farthest, smallest, most pathetic corner of the bed. The sheets are almost entirely pulled off of me, for Pegasus has bunched them up around himself like a satin cocoon. He's sprawled out everywhere...I can't even move. To add insult to my cramped misery, when I at last attempt to roll over, I promptly receive an elbow to my face for the effort.
Damn bed hog... yeah, this is fair, give me five percent of the bed-space!
If I weren't on such a lovely floating endorphin high right now, I'd tell him to roll over or suffer being pushed off..actually I might just go ahead and push him off without warning....
Instead, I bask in the lulling white noise of the air conditioner, a cooling unseen circulation of air, a steady churning hum......I feel it again my chest, my back, the drops of perspiration running down my nose and forehead...
---I'm such a mess.-- I don't care.--Maybe I'll shower tomorrow.--What time is it?--I don't care.--What should I have for breakfast?--Oh...dear Ra, I hope Pegasus doesn't ask me to try some damn Funny Bunny brand cereal...
...oh well. I'll figure it all out later.
I wrap an arm around my nuptial mate. I'm sure he's asleep, but the new contact makes him stir. He rolls over, and next thing I know, I'm smothered in silver. Damn it. This is uncomfortable on several physical and psychological levels...
Warmth all around me...so much warmth. And the folds of soothing darkness....
I'm not sure when morning will come, or how far to our destination we'll be by then. The world seems so distant.
Despite the air conditioner, the air in this room is a cloud of humidity. The door is cracked only a sliver for a hint of light and air. Oils. Everything smells of overwhelming oils and perfumes....and the vapors are intoxicating. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a candle on the nightstand....it's burnt down to barely more than a wax puddle now. Soft, hazy glow. Faint light in the mist.
.....I think I hear Pegasus mutter something about squirrels and green catsup.
.....I don't want to have just heard Pegasus mutter something about squirrels and green catsup, because that would just be too nonsensical and crazy, and I'm a rational person who doesn't tolerate that sort of thing.
So I'll just pretend that it was my imagination. Heh. Candles. Oils....
I would never say this out loud, but I have to give Pegasus credit. (Not out loud, though..) He is really great at fashioning a mood...
Again, this is something I'd never confess aloud, but there is something truly exciting about a set-up like this, with smells and satins, and softness abounding. It provides excellent contrast for the roughness. I don't think I'm rough though. Pegasus teases me about this sometimes, but he's an old-fashioned Harlequin romantic, so his ideas are heavily biased by long-standing tradition. I may have growled a bit, and bitten him a few times, and once I think perhaps I slammed his hips into the headboard...but who says that's crude?
(note: the hips-to-headboard incident did not hurt Pegasus in the slightest...he has a lot of ample cushioning on his backside. I will not elaborate upon this comment..)
Sweetness has forever been hard for me to bear. Maybe I'll get used to it though. Some part of my mind is telling me that I sure as hell better get used to it. And there's nothing wrong with being rough. When your breath catches in your throat, when pain and pleasure, joy and sorrow, and all the things of and in-between become indistinguishable...when everything feels as raw as if your epidermis was stripped away with sandpaper, and nothing's left but a writhing hot coil of white emotion.....when in that one instant you're as hot as a star gone nova and you realize the ultimate finality of your own vulnerability.........That is what bliss is. That's what it's all about.
Pegasus smells nice. Nice, but overpowering. Lay off on the scents! Mmm. Exotic. Sultry. What? No flowers?
I feel dizzy. Might be the physical exhaustion. Might be some psychological shtick. Might be that I haven't eaten in way too many hours. They never do take time to eat in love stories. Ra, I'm hungry. Yeah, I ate a bushel of candy earlier. It's given me a sugar buzz. Hee hee. "Sex and Candy", isn't that a song? Heh. Heh. I feel stupid. There was a bad idea in this, somewhere along the way. La la la..
...Oh no. I'm acting like.....Pegasus!! My system needs to shake this sugar high, and this adrenaline high, before I really go Moron Full-Speed...I need to get up and get some real food. Part of me keeps bitching to myself about this. Get up! Get up! But then, another part of me, apparently the physical half, is stubborn and says "Shut the hell up, I'm enjoying this!"
I am enjoying this. Used to, I only enjoyed computers and Duel Monsters cards....but Pegasus is warmer than those. Warmer, and with a nicer scent. I do love my Battle Ox and BEWD, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to cuddle up in the bed with either of them. And if you can't figure out why, then...well, you're an idiot.
I reach out to the waning candle flame, enclosing it with my thumb and index finger in a sharp pinch. Immediately, it dies. The room is dark now, save for the white dancing ghost lights...
The darkness is refreshing. I sigh and breathe in deeply. For some reason, all the aromas seem multiplied tenfold....
It's ....overwhelming. Choking. Smothering. I feel myself cough and shudder against the sweet folds....
Pegasus' form is darkness obsidian, marked by a silhoutte of translucent white. I perceive his shimmering borders and trace the lines with my fingertip. I'm fascinated like a moth to a flame, like a child to....er, candy, I guess. He wiggles. I think I may have heard a little giggle erupt, smothered into his pillow. I guess I just imagined it, though.
He is a form of nature. A most beautiful, intricate structure, liken to the forests or the stars, or the oceans foaming beneath us. It's a beauty that is neither male nor female, but divine and androgynous as a statue. I want to praise him. I want to muse over his beauty like a harpist with an enchanted lyre, or a wandering bard...or a poet from so many ages...
...But I don't know how to do that. I'm too mechanical to speak in tunes of emotions. So my way of "appreciating" his beauty is slamming him into the wall and "making love" until we're both ready to pass out. Yeah. Works for me. I don't know if he's happy with that though...I guess I better hope so.
I do feel guilty. I do know that in affairs of the heart, I ain't up to par. There are a lot of excuses I could give for this. Not knowing my true parents. An abusive stepfather. Very little dating experience... But whatever the reason, I don't think I can fulfill Pegasus' need for emotional closeness. I know it. I do know it all too well. But I can't seem to fight it. It's as though I'm watching a movie. The guy in the movie is about to make a mistake, and I know it, but I obviously can't tell him. I can't say "Hey, you loser, can't you see what you're doing?! You're going to screw up!!". Nope. He wouldn't hear me. It's just a movie, and I have no control. That's the same way I seem to feel about myself.
When I'm with Pegasus, I can see it coming. I'm the guy in the movie who's about to say the ~wrong~ thing and ruin the entire situation. But it's as though I can't alter the inevitable. Each time, I think there's some way I can prevent it. Each time, I nearly seem to. Each time, I fall short.
Why, though? Why, as much as I value control, can I not seem to control my own temper? Everyone around me is treading on eggshells, I can sense as much. I'm a hot cauldron of rage about to pour over. It's who I am, and though it bothers me to think my anger will be misguided and lash at him, the patient victim, I...I can't do anything about it. The pattern goes on and on.
We were kissing once. On the bed in his room. Not so unlike here...well, except for the skull illusions and everything, but ah well. Anyway, it was all good. He smiled at me. His face was so written with love, so passionate and expressive. I think I must have had a mopey dead-eyed look on my face. I don't know for sure, because there wasn't a mirror, but I always seemed to be dead-eyed. It was just my "normal" face, after so many years of bitterness. He thinks he'll melt me, though. He buried against me, and I felt hands slipping down to the small of my back...massaging...
...I pulled away. There was a puzzled look on his sweet face. He didn't understand, but he accepted immediately. He never complains. There was an imploring look in his eye, a most gentle and heartfelt desire to simply love me. That was it. That was all he wanted. To love me. And I couldn't let him.
I pulled away. I didn't want to. I hated doing it. But I just ....did. It was a natural reaction to his attempt for closeness.
He understands, somehow. He sat back, reclining to the pillows, giving me all the space I could hope for.
I was so fucking ill!
In an instant, I was in the bathroom, slamming the living hell out of the marble wall with my fist. Pegasus didn't follow. He knew I needed my breathing room. Dear Ra, looking back on it, I think ...I think he may have thought I was wroth with him. I wasn't, of course. I was furious with myself. With my shortcomings, my inability to show compassion, my stupid Ra-damned all-consuming pride...
I kept thinking he deserved better. Someone who could love him, really and truly love him for all they were worth. I'm not capable of the depth he hungers for. I'm a blight, if anything. I'll hurt him. Not physically, no, much worse. I'll break his tender heart, and he will weep. I know it. One of these days....one of these days I will hurt him. It's not a question of if, only when. I see it coming, and I hate it, and I hate that I'll be responsible...but there is no stopping fate. I've thought of letting him go before. Thought of packing up one night, and leaving, and never looking back. But though these thoughts cross my mind, they never linger for too long. I can't. I can't give him up. It may be for his own good, but something in me is just too selfish to let go. I love him. I want to be with him. He's a drug to me, and I can never quite get enough.
The senseless stupor finally began to abandon me. I looked up, seeing my reflection in the bathroom mirror..seeing the pure unbridled rage there, the fury of my scowl. I felt pain. Pain in my hand. I saw blood spattered on the wall. Looks like I may have gone a little overboard "expressing" myself.. (as my old psychiatrist used to say..)
My knuckles were bleeding. I had gotten angry for no discernible reason, and then smashed my hand into a wall...for no discernible reason. If it didn't sting so damn much, it might have been a funny scene.
Pegasus was beside me in an instant. The look of shock and horror on his face was...profound. I guess the fact that I seemed to be upsetting him so much should really have wrenched my gut, after all, he lost his first love and now I imagine that he's somewhat paranoid. But that wasn't the way I saw things, at the time. He was overreacting, of course. He was trying to act like my mother, hovering over me and cooing and worrying, and that just pissed me off to no end.
He asked what in Ra's name I was doing. I didn't have an answer, I suppose. But I told him to shove the hell off and that I was fine, and that if I wasn't fine, then he'd be the first to know. (I think in some areas, this behaviour is called "Being an Ass") With Pegasus, it's just an endless cycle. I yell. He goes "Oh, what's wrong, hun?" I tell him that it's my business, and no, I don't need comforting, I'm a loner and I've never needed anyone to work my problems out for me in the past, and I still don't.
He bandaged my knuckles. Whimpering and worrying over me all the while. I heard him in the background, but my mind felt like it was submerged underwater. He sounded...far away...surreal.
"Why won't you just let me love you....?" I didn't know what he meant, but he sounded so...mournful. I could almost hear tears churning in his voice.
"I love you, Seto. You have nothing to prove to me. You can't just accept our love...you...think you have something to prove to me. But the only person you're really trying to convince is yourself. You don't always have to respond just as I would respond...Seto...it's alright. I love you for being you, not for trying to be me..."
I think he might have tried to offer me a reassuring smile. I'm not sure, though. I wasn't looking at him. I couldn't. He finished his wrapping, and I felt him staring at me, waiting for me to turn and make eye contact. His one human eye, and perhaps the Millenium Eye as well...bore into the back of my head. I felt it. Knew that he was staring desperately at me.
I didn't want to see. So instead, I blankly watched the lawn outside. A breeze came in from the ocean, and the boughs rocked. Far below...I heard the soft sound of waves lapping against the shore. And Pegasus wiped a tear from his dripping human eye. I didn't see it. But I knew.
The door cracked ajar, and I saw Croquet peering in. Normally, his constant presence irks me. Not now...though...
Soon, Mokuba came running in. I guess he must have heard the noise.
"Big brother..what's wrong...?"
Before I could give an answer, he flopped down into me. Pegasus behind, Mokuba in front. I don't know how I avoided being crushed.
I had to remember, in that time, that I was surrounded by people who care for me. In all truth, I should have no reason left to be so morose. I felt as though I had been behaving in a silly way...
I sighed....and at some point, I think I fell asleep..because my memory of the next events fails me.
Pegasus never left my side.
My rage worries him...perhaps he even thinks he's the cause, but he isn't. Psychology might offer some bookish smartass answer, but I can't really say, except that I have a lot of bottled up bitterness, and any little thing can ignite it at certain times. I always calm down after awhile, and usually it's no big deal, but Pegasus doesn't seem to realize that getting right up next to me and pestering me again and again and again with the "What's wrong?" and "Can I do anything..?" (even though I told him it was just letting off steam..) only infuriates me and fuels the fire further. Yes, I know he's only being a good loving caring spouse. Yes, I know I must seem like the bad guy for being bothered by his "compassion".....but there are two sides to every argument.
I hate being patronized. I hate being treated as though I'm a babbling infant. When Pegasus is all up over me in his "concerned" way, not offering me an inch of breathing space, I almost expect him to check my temperature, wipe a smudge from my face, and then proceed to sing a lullaby. A part of this discomfort on my behalf could be attributed to the fact that I've always been the older brother, the one looking out for things, and the "mature" one in charge. Losing that sense of control frightens me, and when I'm frightened, the result is lashing out, and very vitriolic anger. Despite my own issues over "smothering" situations, I will say that I don't think it's entirely my imagination getting to me. Pegasus sometimes exhibits tendencies which are almost...dare I say, maternal. Sometimes he behaves like a child, and sometimes he acts like I'm his child. Very peculiar paradox.
Recently, I've started to suspect that a part of this odd behaviour comes from the fact that, as I'm learning more and more in days of late, Pegasus is showing a growing desire for a parental role. Actually...maybe his urge isn't rising, maybe, in fact, I'm just becoming more aware of his need for such a capacity. I figure he probably did want to have children when he was with Cecilia. Hey, most couples eventually do, right?
But he never mentioned it around me until we'd been dating for a few months. And even then, it was just casually. He'd drop little hints here and there. I was perceptive enough to pick up on the implications, but I never thought much about them. We would be watching a movie of some sort on television, for instance, and he'd say "Oh, aren't those children just ~so~ very cute and darling?" I suspected he was trying to tell me something, but I decided to look the other way. I really did not want to have to deal with debating this potential issue with him. We had enough on our hands just with being a newfound couple, let alone the possibility of starting an entire family.
If anything, Pegasus is persistent. When I failed to take a notice in his not-quite-subtle wishes, his longings only seemed to escalate. And after awhile, it was decidedly apparent. First of all, he started getting all awkward with Mokuba. Oh yes, just trying to be friendly with your lover's kid brother...sure. Bandaging wounds, and tending illnesses. Wait, isn't that a family member's responsibility? Did I detect a filial sense of responsibility rising up here? I thought his actions were nice, but not necessary. I can take care of my brother. I always have. Again, I decided he was just trying to be a friend, not that he was hellbent on assuming the role of parent or caretaker....
But finally, there came a time when I could no longer turn my head. I was sitting at my desk, writing...charts and ...stuff...I don't even remember now. Company stuff. Pegasus was standing by the window. He had that faraway look in his eyes. Sometimes, I just have to wonder where his mind is taking him when he gets that particular look. So wistful...
"So, Seto..what about kids, anyway? A daughter would be quite nice.."
Just like that. Just frickin *DROPS* it on me out of the blue. I suddenly feel nauseous. I can't avoid it now.
I sighed and hoped he wouldn't hear me. I like children...sort of. Kinda. But I don't want a new one. Several reasons for this. First, Mokuba's not fully grown yet. Raising him up is like having a child of my own. And....and there's the other thing..too. The part I hardly wanted to admit..
If Pegasus and I adopt a child, I know what will happen. He'll spend all his time with it, and not with me. He'll fully realize that the child can give him what I can't.... a soft body to hug and cuddle and shower affection upon. He would love it if I'd permit him to hold me...but I won't. And I guess that's why he wants an infant so badly. It would just grin and giggle. I'd scowl and yell. His wish of being a parent basically spoke to me that he was oh-so-aware of my relationship shortcomings, saw me as a mistake (but was too polite to dump me outright..), and wanted to get a new source for love. I couldn't bear that. As much as he irritates me sometimes, and as much as I think it might just be better if we broke up...I can't lose him. I can't, and I won't. I'm not going to share my space...and Pegasus is *my* space. (really, he needs a "Seto Kaiba Only (No Solicitors)" sign branded onto his British bum....)
When he tossed the idea of children at me, I reacted in a way that I now regret. I said the first thing that came to mind...and it was a bad decision on my part. It was emotion, and uncertainty, and panic as well. But it hurt..oh, it did hurt him...
I accused him of only wanting a daughter because he wanted to claim some hold on Cecilia, because he didn't truly love me, he was still in love with Cecilia, and he simply wanted a "reincarnation" of her. I must not have been adequate to him, his heart must have been elsewhere.
I didn't look at Pegasus when I accused him. Instead, my eyes narrowed on the painting far to the other side of the room...the darkness-concealed blonde form looking down from the wall. Smiling. Always. Smiling. Haunting me in the depth of her shadow. Existing to remind me that I'm only ever going to be a shell--the person he "settled" for, not who he really desired. Burning me from within...because he has ever been the object of my desires... I almost hate her. And yet..I never even knew her...
I thought, after snapping at Pegasus as I had done, that he would be furious with me. Although I wasn't looking directly at him, I could detect his shadow in the corner..just on the edge of my vision. He was hurt. And silence was his first retreat. I'd driven a sharp nail into him by bringing up Cecilia...I knew as much. I shouldn't have said that. Damn. Need better self-control.
Although, at the same time, it occurred to me that Pegasus hadn't denied my claim....and maybe the hurt ignited by my assumptions was on account....of those assumptions in fact being true, and now he hated looking that truth in the face....
Silently, I felt him sat down on the bed beside me, behind me. Silver strands caressed the base of my neck. One soft-as-a-whisper kiss just beneath my ear. Then another. And a third, to follow.
"Seto...I'm sorry." He breathed against me. So very warm...and lightly moist...
"I'm sorry..." He repeated, his voice laden and weary. "I didn't mean to upset you...it..ah, I really wasn't thinking of it like that. Just.........I just don't want you to think I don't love you..."
He pulled my chin, so that soon our noses were brushing and my eyes search his lone brown orb. His face was tranquil, almost stoic and void of expression altogether. But...not quite. I saw a hint of something more that day, a ghost within him, and I suddenly felt as though I had just betrayed him, wronged him. In that moment, I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him how much he meant to me, and that the only reason I was against children is because I wanted his love for myself. I wanted to do that. Wanted to....and did not. Instead, I sat there and glared him over blankly, determined that the only thing he would see would be my cold outer shell.
"I do love you..." As I sat numbly, I felt him pull my head back to rest on his chest. My first instinct, was, naturally, trying to bolt away. For once, though, he did not let me do so. I wanted to get away. I couldn't stand it....and yet I could. It..it simply wasn't bothering me once I sat still long enough to adjust to the presence of his arms around my body. The lips moved upwards, brushing my own. "Forgive me. I never meant to make you feel insignificant....you're my everything...can't you see that? Your calm rationality and stubborn love may very well be all that's keeping me from plummeting into the rocks below the shore.....I watched them for so many nights, Seto..."
Pangs of guilt tore into me. I felt myself relax against him, the strain of my body loosening before his soothing stroking fingers....slinking across my shoulders...
"....I wanted to have a child between us because I thought it was a love we could share. I didn't...*sigh*...I just did not foresee that you would think it an attempt to recreate..." He choked against me... "...her..." I thought he was about to break into tears. I bit my lip hard. I couldn't handle this. Any of it. But I couldn't move..either, and was frozen by more than his physical prowess. I had to hear him out. It was the very smallest show of compassion that I could offer my long-time beloved...
"...but perhaps you were right, Seto. Perhaps that's why I would have chosen a daughter. To bring some small justice, to somehow alleviate, if ever so small, a sliver of the anguish. But though I would cherish her, I would not look for Cecilia within my offspring. I would see myself...except a better newer version of myself, with all the potential that my inheritance and the world itself may give her....but born free and innocent and without the hardships of so many labourous past existences...so much...grief..."
"....but if it bothers you so much, I promise I won't revive the subject. Not till you're ready to speak of such matters. I do love you, though. Can't you see how much I love you?"
I felt drunk. I flattened against him, and his hands pressed my neck more roughly. I gasped when he pinched and kneaded one of the sensitive knots of tension. I wasn't going to talk again. That was as close as I would come to saying "Sorry". Pegasus didn't talk, either. He just rolled my skin and muscles as if he were a baker making dough. A cool breeze came from the window, and I sighed against him, my eyes half-closed against the noonday sun.
Her picture. I still saw it........ominous, a shade partially concealed by a veil of velvet curtains. Good try, Cecilia. Good effort...indeed. But I won. This time........
...but when he gets an idea in his head, it never goes away.....
I could have accused Pegasus of having never painted me. But that would be stretching things a bit. He had attempted to paint me, once. His idea.
Payment for dragging me along to that godforsaken country club.....
......I may be rich, but I'm not an aristocrat: I don't wear a monocule, I'm not fat or balding or with a thick moustache or a weasel-nose....and I don't wear a pink handmuff or carry a poodle. When I have conversations, they're about more than "Ah, what lovely tea this is!"
...So, essentially, you could see why I was out-of-place amongst the more hoity-toighty snooty breed of individuals.
I don't think Pegasus especially cared for their ilk any more than I did. But Pegasus can be a serious "people person" sometimes--he knows just how to work a crowd. Comes with good breeding and running a successful company. One learns how to present a good face.
Although my husband was qucikly becoming the center of the crowd, I felt awkward, and I was steadily becoming more impatient to leave. This was the wrong place for me. How dare he have made me tag along! I was more than a little resentful.....
Course, it wasn't all bad. One woman had two poodles, a leash wrapped in each hand. The fancy sort of poodles, too. All styled up and wearing dorky pink bows on their heads. Well, while their owner was busy talking about how "absolutely darling!" the decorations at the club were, the leashes got tangled up. Deprived of personal space, the wild beasts began to snarl at one another, and the next thing I know, they both explode into a whirl of wild blurry white, growls and furious yapping erupting....the yapping mostly arising from the humans in the room, though.
I have to admit, seeing those crazy poodles kicking each other's asses was probably the best excitement I'd had that day. Everyone else in the room was hyperventilating, bumbling, and falling over themselves like utter morons. It was absolutely ridiculous.
Pegasus was in the other room stealing the napkins.....(yeah)...so he didn't see any of the mayhem. When I told him about it, he shook his head, "Tsk"ed, and said that people could be so very irrational sometimes.
In response, I told him to shut the hell up, and reminded him that he was the same guy who nearly trampled me to death after seeing a caterpillar, and who obsessives over squirrels and believes green catsup is "Black Ooze.."....
And then he just raised an eyebrow at me, a cute childish expression, while he blinked and stared at me as though I was the weirdest human being alive. Sometimes he really made me feel like I was.....that is, until he turned back around and finished stuffing the rest of the napkins into his shirt.
I grabbed his wrist and escorted him out of the room before he could make a move for the sporks...
Pegasus informed me that there was a reason he'd dragged me along on this day. Oh, what? To torture me for my sins? He laughed. Told me to follow him.
We went to the gardens out back. It was Springtime...everything all vernal, warm, the air thick with bee humming and a coating of pollen heavy enough to make you gag.
Rows and rows of flowers passed by, tulips and daffodils, roses, hyacinths, all matter of popular flora in full bloom.
"This is what I love about this place!" He announced to me. "...This, and also the nostalgic value of it all." He paused, turning to smile at me as he spoke. "When I was a boy, my father would bring me along to this club. Always bothered me as much as you. I wanted to be watching cartoons...but instead I was fidgeting with my suit while the adults chattered merrily about things I didn't care for. So....I found this. The gardens. These were my sanctuary. I would lie on that hill-top up there.."--he pointed in indication--"...just lie there, and listen to the melody of the crickets, watching the jolly moon grow round and fat. On cloudless nights, I could see the stars.....and I dreamed of them, Seto. Didn't we all dream of stars when we were young..? They seemed to grow so much darker in the later years. Everything here is how I remember it! The bushes and trees...the fresh and even cut of the grass...the scent of it all. It's very beautiful, don't you think?"
As an artist, Pegasus saw beauty in everything. Small wonder then, that he should so cherish a setting like this.
"Not as much so as...you..."
Did I really say that? It must have been a random muttering. How, oh how, could I ever let that escape...
Even *he* was startled. A look of surprise crossed his face for just an insant....and then he was upon me, hugging and squeezing. I thought I was going to burst...
"You're so...cute."
Cute, he calls me? Cute?! Ack. That's very nearly insulting....
He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and guided me up the winding cement path. I wondered, for just an instant, if any saw us...
"I always hated suits." He blurted it out. I had no idea what he was talking about. "When I was a child...I mean. Heh. Just one of those "necessary evils", uncomfortable by all means, but the kind of attire that I was expected to appear in with my family being what it was. Of course, now I value high fashion, but back then, all I knew is that I couldn't wiggle out of them nearly fast enough.
When I was three years old going on four, we were having a party at our estate one night. My mother was trying to get me all dressed up for the occasion. After I got out of the bath tub, she toweled me off and proceeded to turn to find a proper suit from amidst the closet.
Well, I intended to have no part of it. When she turned her back on me for the slightest fraction of a second, I flung the towel aside, bolted out of the bedroom, and proudly ran down the hallway in only the clothes I was born in. The party guests were arriving by this point....standing outside, speaking with my father, I believe. Imagine their surprise when I came running out onto the balcony screaming 'BATTTTTMMAAANNNN, nygghghhghghghg!!!!!!'"
Pegasus laughed aloud at the memory, and though I tried very hard to stifle it, I let out a good chuckle as well.
"Oh...dear me, I do believe that some of the elder members of my father's company still remember that particular incident. I still get teased occasionally. Yes, that is how I shall go down in company history. Not Pegasus, the educated eloquent businessman....but Pegasus the naked screaming toddler. ............Just remember Seto, you do one crazy thing in your life, and that's what everyone is going to remember you for...."
"Ah....so I will be remembered as The Guy who Married the Screaming Naked Toddler......that sounds like a band."
He laughed and swaggered against me. He was high on life. Or maybe it was just the pollen.
When we reached the round grassy top of the hill, Pegasus instructed that I sit beneath the shade of the oak tree. Reaching into a case that he had brought along, he produced a blanket for me and asked that I sit upright on it. Immediately, I knew what he was going to do.
He was going to paint me. I felt so strangely honoured over this gesture!
Methodically, he calmly sat to work, propping up a canvas, squeezing various oil colours onto his palette.
A loving smile was offered to me.
"Surprised, Kaiba~boi?"
I shouldn't have been. It was really pretty obvious, now that I think about it.
"I'm in love again. And when in love, I'm inspired to do *what* I love...this will be a most wonderful symbol of our bond. I want to capture you as you are...like this, right here, right now. A pose for all eternity, on my canvas..."
(He really is the most melodramatic person ever...)
I settled myself. I couldn't tell him no. *How* could I ever tell him no when he looked at me with such joy? So I didn't say anything. I merely nodded....I suppose that was some indication of consent.
....but things didn't work out as we might have imagined. Much to his own grief, Pegasus never did finish the painting.
I couldn't sit still. I admit it. There were acorns dislodging themselves and pelting down onto my head. I heard cars, people talking, and dogs barking. Some pesky fly just would *not* leave me a moment's peace. I coughed. I sneezed. I scratched my butt, once or twice.
And each time I wiggled, even if it was just a little, Pegasus shot me an increasingly icy glare.
"Cut it out, Kaiba~boi! Hold still..."
I rolled my eyes. If only I had brought my laptop along, then maybe I could hold still....*so boring*...
When that stupid fly returned, I reached my breaking point. I swatted. I slapped. I grabbed. I groped. I even kicked up at it a few times. Damn hell-spawn insect!
I'm still not sure if I ever got it or not. I am, however, sure that I ended up flinging myself over backwards and landing on my head, with my legs stuck up in the air....
(after this, I decided I probably couldn't give Pegasus a hard time about the caterpillar thing anymore..)
I looked up, seeing Pegasus standing over me, hands on hips, a look on his face that could level a charging rhino...
"Thank you so much for your cooperation, Seto.."
Before I could even reply to his sarcastic muttering, he leaned over and swiped me across the face with a wet paint brush. I had the feeling that red had just been smeared across my cheeks. I could even feel a little of it sticking in my eyebrows....
He smiled, satisfied with his revenge, and turned to stride away in a good cool and collected villain exit.
Well, I wasn't having any of that.
I grabbed him around the waist, halted him, and before he had time to assess the situation and retaliate, I quickly wrested the brush from his arm.
When he turned on me, still surprised, I gave him a good smashing splatter.
Pegasus looked disturbingly cute with paint dripping down his nose...
He also looked very indignant at that moment. He made a quick lunge for the brush, but I pulled back. When his weight hit me, we both toppled over into a crumpled heap. The brush went flying out of my hand, but I had enough left on my fingers to work with. Again, we were rolling around and wrestling like morons, with a good deal of finger painting going on throughout.
If you know anything about the way this particular relationship works, you can probably figure out what happened next. Who knew finger painting could be so much fun? It's just very fortunate that I don't have allergies...or else...well, I won't even think of that.
"Oh..wait, Seto, what if someone should see us?" He asked me, breathless.
I smirked and began nibbling the ear-lobe. "Well....look at it this way...it'd be a better way to be remembered than as the crazy naked toddler screaming about Batman..."
He didn't say anything else. Just smiled warmly, closing his eye and succumbing to the lukewarm temperature of the Spring day...
I don't think anyone saw. They were inside....still getting excited about Gucci clothing and watching poodles get into it, I guess. If that's their idea of fun...well, more power to them.
So many things to reminisce about.....aren't there?
I guess I'm as bad as Pegasus when it comes to letting my mind wander. He's rubbing off on me in every way imaginable. Maybe someday I'll even teach him how to drink from the milk carton.....heh, I still don't think he realized that I was the one who did that. Kemo is so easy to blame...
I guess our relationship is pretty sturdy in a number of ways. Sure, we sometimes have our little spats about...say, whether the toilet paper should have aloe in it or not (I say no, I don't want freaky chemicals on my ass..), or about which Star Wars movie was best, or about how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Toostie Pop--though I swear someday I will sit down, and run a series of precise mathematical equations to determine this little mystery....
But all that aside, Pegasus and I work together in a weird way. I'm not sure how, why, or if it even matters, but there is some kind of chemistry going on here and who am I to question it? (Of course, maybe I can sit down and run a precise series of mathematical equations to determine what this "chemistry" is exactly but...ah...well, forget it..)
I think of that as I look at him now....
...sleeping, beside me......hmm, is it just my imagination, or has he scooted up even closer? Good grief, give me some personal space!
Since the man seems to insist on being right up on me, I figure I might as well take advantage of the situation. I alter my position, putting my hand against him. Pega-pillow. So dark..so warm...
I think I see a little smirk creep onto the corner of his face.....no, surely I just imagined it. He is asleep, isn't he? But then, it's so hard to say. He's too good of an actor to be sure. Oh....Ra.....has he been reading my mind this whole time.......?
No. No. How foolish of me. I'm just being paranoid.....surely.....
I press against him deeply. Is the air conditioner still on? It's burning up in here.
My eyes finally give up the battle. They close tightly, and the darkness comes full circle. I hear him breathe...feel him breathe.
Sublime.
That's the word. The last word that enters the abyss of my mind....before everything melts away...before my senses abandon me against the curtain of oils, and scents, and satin....
And the ensuing dreams, of a world as smooth as chocolate and velvet ripples in the sea of night..
....fading away......
[~chapter fin~]
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[okay, I promise that this is the last chapter where Seto and Pegs are just laying there reminiscing. I'll get them back on their feet next chapter. =P]
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Responses to reviews (in descending order from most recent, to least recent =P)
To CKthePhantomess, Heya! It's great to know that there are people out there who actually love reading this particular sort of fic. I promise I'll continue to provide lots of insane fun for you! (But I will also throw in some serious parts, just so as not to bore my readers who get into that serious angsty stuff...they know who they are...)
Eos, Thanks, as always. I hope I'll continue to please you with my work! ^-^ And by all means, please help me keep our YSMRB thread alive!! ^-^
Kabuki, Oh, thanks! Glad you're enjoying the humour, romance, etc! As to the missing lemon scene you mentioned...well, you probably saw my note at the top of the page. ~_^
Leland, Glad you think so! I happen to agree! ^^;;
Jantra. No, your reviews aren't dorky at all! In fact, I love to see that people are sticking with this fic from chapter to chapter! I'm not sure what all to say to your numerous comments except thank-you, thank-you, and thanks a few more times! It's really great that you actually posted a review while reading, and I love to see individual situations commented on, it helps me figure which things people seem to take to the most. ^-^
Vitani Le, I certainly agree about the boyfriend thing. Let's see...thanks for the compliments, oh, and no, I'm definitely ~not~ very sane! How can anyone with a fic called "9 Months of Hellish Hilarity" be ~too~ sane? ^-^
Vyctori, Aw, don't blame Pegasus for the scatterbrained-ness of this chapter--that's all quite the fault of my behalf, I assure you! ^_~ I must confess--I am not a very linear writer. Before each chapter, I usually make an outline of the stuff I want to see happen beforehand, and then I try to connect different scenarios when writing. But, that scene was going in even more different directions than usual because SW wrote part of it, which I had to tie in with my part somehow, and as I was writing I also had a bunch of random ideas....ideas which had ~no~ place in the story really (like the caterpillar thing..) but which I liked too much to pass up. So I tied the non-related insanity together as best as possible, and this is the result. Heh! Your mental image sounds about like what I'd imagine, too! And yes, Pegasus is definitely a BAD-boy! ^-^ I hoped someone would think the ending was sweet...I'm not usually much of a romance fan/writer, but I feel like this story needs some tender moments...
Chika Jin, Yay! More Pegasus/Seto fans! ^-^ It's great to know that people who favour the pairing are actually finding the fic! And I'll be sure to check the website you mentioned! ^^;;
Squidman, Whoa, are you sure mine and your moms aren't related...? Because that seriously sounds like something my mom would do! Quite funny, though! I like squirrels myself, but we (SW mostly) decided that Pegasus probably has a "paranoia of the month" type thing--this month it's squirrels...caterpillars, and the occasional vending machine. Yes, Pegasus is a lovey-dovey fellow, which I normally find sort of annoying in males, but I make an exception in his case. *MAYBE* Kaiba will get it someday--hey, he's still got plenty of chapters left, I think. ^-^ About the art: I myself have run into accidental resemblances before. But usually I use anime as a sort of model for my artwork and character designs. I'll admit to having designed some original characters with white hair just because characters like Pegs (I used to consider his hair white--even tho it is actually silver..) and Kunzite sent me into a sort of light-hair craze...in fact, because of some unusual anime colorations, I made quite a lot of colourful original characters with strong anime-ish resemblance. Most people I know say my characters (the males) look like girls, though. Guess that's anime-esque too -_-...
Sailor Taichichi Vegeta, Ooh, I run into that problem with yaoi myself! My bishies, mine! ^^;; Well, I guess there are plenty of bishies to go around, tho.... ^^;;
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Whew. Okay, that about covers it, I think. Keep it up, people!!
Reviews=Happy Author
Happy Author=Quicker and Better Updates!
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