Simon could never harden himself to the younger generations of his family, including CJ's niece Hogan. As Simon and CJ's romance blossomed, Simon became "Uncle Simon" to Hogan, and she became a close friend and a big sister of sorts to Nikki. Both girls were bright, thoughtful, and fun-loving. When Nikki was well, they spent time talking about everything from guys, to the deeper aspects of life and how to truly enjoy it. When Nikki was not well, Hogan was one of the people who could always be counted on to be there for the younger girl, providing everything from comfort to welcomed distraction.
When Simon opened the door on Saturday afternoon, the day after CJ left, and found Hogan on the other side, his tired, hard feature softened and an actual smile crossed his lips. He had missed her. He felt closer to Nik when any of her friends dropped by, but that was becoming a rarity. They were all moving on with their lives, far faster than Simon could comprehend.
"Hey Hogan," he moved aside to let her in. She smiled shyly, never actually having gotten over her secret crush on him. Nikki, who was more observant than most adults Hogan knew, teased her mercilessly over that crush. Hogan missed Nikki so much it hurt.
She sat down and looked at her uncle, who brought her a Ginger Ale, to which she was hopelessly addicted, and a plate of Oreos, another of Hogan's vices. She groaned.
"Uncle Simon, you're the one who's always preaching healthy eating!"
"Yeah, but you're in college, so it's a losing battle."
She laughed. He smiled, and the smile never reached his eyes. Her heart ached when she looked at him, the way it ached earlier when she looked at her aunt. They both looked hurt beyond words, and were completely exhausted. It was mental exhaustion that would never be helped by sleep. They needed the strength and support they used to be able to give each other.
"I had lunch with aunt CJ today," she said quietly.
Simon looked down, fighting a rising sense of panic. He was going to lose CJ, the way he lost everyone that counted, everyone that made his life a life, rather than just an existence. He wished he could get immune to the pain.
God, he was SO tired of losing.
"Did she send you…"
"She doesn't know I'm here," Hogan cut in hurriedly. She really wanted to help them both, and she was telling the truth. She wanted Simon to understand she was there because she cared. She cared about her aunt and uncle, and she made a promise to Nikki before she died.
"Uncle Simon, remember when my friend Jeanie died?"
Simon bit his lip and nodded. Jeanie Morgan was Hogan's best friend, but she'd changed in the months preceding her death. She overdosed on cocaine one night, and Hogan kept wondering how she never realized her best friend got hooked on drugs when there was still time to save her. It was a very dark time in Hogan's life, and though it seemed like it happened ages ago, it was only a little over a year since Jeanie died.
"I couldn't talk about it to anyone. I felt so angry, guilty, betrayed…I couldn't talk to ANYONE, I just kept crying."
One of Simon's passions in his career as a police officer was getting kids off drugs, or making sure they never started. As a Secret Service agent, he still felt the need to mentor kids, and hooked up with Anthony as the teen's Big Brother. In addition, he lectured in DC's high schools whenever his schedule, and Nikki's health, permitted.
It wasn't surprising, therefore, that Simon was the one who knew exactly what to say to Hogan in these dark days after Jeanie died.
"We had this long talk one day, remember?" Hogan asked softly. "And you told me so much stuff that helped. And you ended with two things…"
"Hogan, I don't…I CAN'T do this now." Simon said desperately.
"Why?"
"Because…" he sighed wearily, unable to verbalize of a good reason. 'Because I'm tired. Because she was my daughter, and died from a disease I was partially responsible for giving her. Because I can't seem to climb out of this hole and get the help I need so CJ can come back…' The words raced through his mind, and never reached his lips.
"You told me all the stuff I was feeling, the grief and anger and guilt, you told me bottling it up inside was like having a malignant tumor. That if I didn't take care of it it was going to grow out of control and end up consuming me."
"Yes," Simon whispered.
"Uncle Simon, did you ever hear Josh Lyman tell the story of the guy that fell into a hole?"
"What? No, I don't think so."
"He said Leo McGarry told him the story when Josh was diagnosed with PTSD after Rosslyn. Anyway, this guy walks down the street and falls into a hole. The walls are smooth, and he can't see a way out. A priest comes by. The calls out, 'Father, I'm down here, can you help me out?' The priest writes down a prayer, throws it down the hole. A doctor walks by. 'Hey doc, I'm down here, help me out.' The doctor writes a prescription and throws it down the hole. Then a friend walks by. 'Hey Joe it's me, can you help me out?' His friend jumps in the hole. The guy says 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here!' His friend says 'Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out.'"
Simon looked at Hogan, speechless. His head dropped and a strangled sob escaped his throat. Hogan knelt beside him.
"Nikki told me you and CJ were both going to need help after she died. I promised her I'll help you, as much as I could."
I'm cool enough to fix things from the other side.
"What was the second thing?" Simon whispered.
"Second thing?" Hogan was lost for a minute.
"You said I ended with two things. You told me one. What was the second?" He realized how far gone he was if he really couldn't remember that conversation. Hogan's parents practically worshiped him from that day on.
Hogan smiled. "I'll tell you when you're better and aunt CJ is home."
Simon nodded. Slowly he raised his head. Hogan stood up, unsure of what to say next. Simon put out his hand.
"Help me out of the hole, Hogan," he whispered.
Her face broke into a huge smile. She gripped his hand in hers and promised, "I will."