DISCLAIMER: Neither Yu-Gi-Oh nor any of the Battlebots portrayed in this fic are mine. They belong to, um... whoever made them I guess. I don't have a Battlebot... yet. ^_^
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not fully keen to the rules of Yu-Gi-Oh, since I don't play, I only watch the show. So... don't get on me for that. Also, while I do make fun of lots of writing cliches in this fic, I don't intend to make fun of anyone personally, so... yeah. Also, this fanfic takes place AFTER Battle City... sort of. Some of the events in Battle City may be incorporated, some may not be. This is kind of an A/U fic. Also, for the purpose of comedy, some of the characters will be a bit OOC (out of character).
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Reviews:
The Review Guy: Thanks for reviewing! Hee, I think Yugi's grandpa will be okay... but Carmen Electra may not be... ^_^
Super Hurricane: Don't worry, when Yugi plays Son of Whyachi, it will be spinning! And there are a bunch of magic and trap cards, I know! They'll be funny too... and some that Yugi's grandpa may like! And I forgot Joey was born in America. Uh... he forgot too! ^_^
NessacusGirl: *hugs and kisses* Thank you for reviewing, Gabby! Hee, Yugi's grandpa is a perv... most old men usually are. ^_^ 1 dollar is about 120 yen! I think! Yup, Tristan likes Serenity! That is very cute! Hee, poor Barnaby and his funny name... I don't know if I'm gonna have Yugi beat him! (Of COURSE I will. ^_^) Anyway, thank you!
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Yami Yugi and Barnaby drew their first five cards. Barnaby looked at his cards and began laughing.
"What's so funny?" Yami Yugi asked.
"These are really good cards!" Barnaby laughed. "Oh man, I love these cards!"
"Then why don't you marry them?" Tea quipped.
"Well, I guess I could, but I like my whole hand, so if I married all these cards, it would be polygamy," Barnaby said. "But man, these are great cards!"
"We'll see," Yami Yugi said coldly. He drew a card, then took one of the cards from his hand. "I'll lay this one face down..."
Yami Yugi did just that. Then, he took another card.
"And I'll play this Battlebot face up, in attack mode!" Yami Yugi shouted. He played the card on the table. It was Wee Willie Wedgie (ATK: 1400/DEF: 1200), a large metallic wedge Battlebot with a pair of underwear stretched out over the frame of the bot. "Your turn, Barnaby!"
"You played Wee Willie Wedgie?" Barnaby yelled. "Well then, Yugi, I'll play the Battlebot that eliminated Wee Willie Wedge from Season 5! Little Drummer Boy! In attack mode!"
Barnaby laid down Little Drummer Boy (ATK: 1800/DEF: 1350) on the table, face up. It was a large rectangular bot with a spinning drum on the front of its frame.
"Since I can't attack first turn, I'll end my turn now," Barnaby said. "But next turn, it looks like your pathetic Bot will get caught with its pants down!"
Yami Yugi smirked.
"I could have seen that joke from a mile away," Yami Yugi said coldly. He drew a card and looked at it. "Hmmm... well, this is interesting. I'll play it now!"
Yami Yugi played a card down on the table, next to Wee Willie Wedgie. Barnaby looked at it.
"It's the Lifting Arm card!" Yami Yugi shouted. "It increases the attack power of any Wedge type monster by 500 attack points!" (Wee Willie Wedgie: ATK: 1900/DEF: 1200) "Now to declare my attack!"
Wee Willie Wedgie drove over to Little Drummer Boy and used its new lifting arm to flip Little Drummer Boy onto its back The bot disappeared, and Barnaby's life points fell by 100 to 3900. Barnaby simply chuckled.
"Yay, Yugi!" Tea cheered. "But... why does Barnaby look so calm and collected?"
"And now, I'll play this last card face down," Yami Yugi said. "My turn is now over."
Barnaby began laughing.
"Oh, Yugi, you have made your ultimate mistake!" Barnaby shouted. He drew a card, then took two cards from his hand and held them up. "Between seasons, Battlebots are repaired and improved for the next tournament! While a bot may be destroyed in a match, next season they're fixed up and ready to go!"
Barnaby played a card down on the table.
"It's a magic card called Off-Season Repairs!" Barnaby shouted. "Similar to Reborn the Monster, it allows me to take one monster from my Scrap Heap and play it in the field!"
Barnaby held up another card.
"And this is Off-Season Remodeling!" Barnaby shouted. "This, when played with Off-Season Repairs, allows me to increase my Bot's Attack by 500 attack points and my defense by 250 points! So...."
Barnaby played both cards, causing Little Drummer Boy (ATK: 2300/DEF: 1600) to reappear in the field. Yami Yugi gasped.
"And I'll also play this Bot, in Defense mode!" Barnaby shouted. He played another card to the field. "This is Cereal Box Killer (ATK: 1000/DEF: 1100)!"
"Interesting," Yami Yugi thought to himself. "But will he make the right move?"
"Now, you have two cards face down," Barnaby said. "They might be Trap cards! So I'm going to pass my turn!"
Yami Yugi smiled.
"Well, Barnaby, that was a mistake," Yami Yugi said.
"Eh?" Barnaby squeaked out.
"You see, one of these is a Bot card," Yami Yugi said. "And another of these IS a Trap, but... it wouldn't affect Little Drummer Boy."
"Yugi, what are you doing?" Tea asked.
Yami Yugi drew a card. He smiled.
"And this is just the card I need!" Yami Yugi shouted. "Now, I'll scrap Wee Willie Wedgie and my face-down Bot!"
The two cards disappeared.
"And I'll play... Son Of Whyachi!"
Yami Yugi slammed the card down onto the table. Son of Whyachi (ATK: 3600/DEF: 1800) appeared. Barnaby gasped.
"Oh.... OH NO!" Barnaby screamed in terror.
"Oh, yes!" Yami Yugi said.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Barnaby screamed. He began crying.
"What's wrong?" Tea asked. "You don't need to be scared of Yugi!"
"It's not that!" Barnaby sobbed. "Son of Whyachi is so cool! I wanted it!"
Tea and Yami Yugi both facefaulted.
"Well, it's mine," Yami Yugi said, standing up. "And now for my attack! Son of Whyachi, attack Little Drummer Boy!"
The huge Battlebot began to spin its immense hammers, inching slowly toward Little Drummer Boy. Suddenly, Barnaby smiled again.
"Ah, ah, ah!" Barnaby shouted. He pointed to his face down card. "You forgot about my trap!"
Barnaby's face down card flipped over to reveal the picture of a large, metallic hammer. Yami Yugi gasped.
"The Pulverizer!" Yami Yugi yelled.
*cue flashback scene*
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A few months ago, Yugi's grandpa had been sitting at the TV, watching Battlebots. He was laughing.
"Hey, Yugi, you gotta come see this!" Yugi's grandpa yelled. "Hurry!"
Yugi ran into the room.
"What is it?" Yugi asked.
"Look!" Yugi's grandpa shouted. On the screen was a large wedge with a big lifting bar, pushing around a bot that bore an uncanny resemblance to one of the old Crash Test Dummies. The dummy bot was being pushed under a large, metallic hammer.
"What is this?" Yugi asked in a confused tone. "That poor crash test dummy is getting destroyed!"
The hammer slammed up and down, bashing the head of the Crash Test Dummy bot.
"It's like the killing of Rasputin!" one of the announcers shouted.
"That's the Pulverizer, Yugi!" Yugi's grandpa shouted. "Isn't it great? Not as great as Traci Bingham's breasts, but..."
---
"The Pulverizer card lets me roll a 6-sided die!" Barnaby said. "The card lowers the Attack power of an attacking Bot by 500 points times whatever it shows on the die! If I roll a three or higher, Son of Whyachi gets destroyed!"
"Oh no!" Tea screamed. "Yugi, this is bad!"
"If he rolls a high number, I stand to lose a lot of Life Points!" Yami Yugi thought. "I shouldn't have been so foolish!"
Barnaby rolled the die. It bounced on the field until it finally stopped, landing on a 2.
"Crap!" Barnaby shouted angrily. "It only reduces Son of Whyachi's attack power by 1000 points, to 2600! Still, that means it'll only do 300 damage to me!"
The Pulverizer dropped onto Son of Whyachi twice. Son of Whyachi spun into Little Drummer Boy, slamming into the bot and ripping it to pieces.
"After the attack, Son of Whyachi's life points go back up to 3600," Yami Yugi said. "Now it's your turn, Barnaby!"
Barnaby drew his card. He smiled again.
"I'm only down by 400 life points, and I have so many plans brewing!" Barnaby said to himself. "And I know more about Battlebots than Yugi ever will!"
Yugi: 4000/Barnaby: 3600
---
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Battle Zone...
"This is a beautiful day!" Mai said, walking down the street and whistling a tune to herself. "I'm going to win this whole tournament! I've got no worries!"
But unbeknownst to Mai, a gang of three Rare Hunters were lurking on the rooftop of a nearby building. A large anvil was next to them.
"Look!" one of the Rare Hunters shouted. He pointed down at Mai. "An unsuspecting female duelist! And she's hot, too!"
"Let's steal her cards!" another Rare Hunter said.
"Can we steal her virginity too?" another Rare Hunter asked. The other two Rare Hunters gave him weird looks.
"I guess so," the first Rare Hunter said. "Let's drop this anvil on her head and knock her out!"
The Rare Hunters began pushing the anvil off of the roof. It finally fell off, plummeting toward Mai. The Rare Hunters began slapping high-fives amongst themselves.
"Doot de doo," Mai sang, walking down the street. "Doo..."
Just then, the large anvil smashed into the ground, right in front of her. She gasped.
"An anvil!" Mai shouted. "Oh no!"
"Poopie," the first Rare Hunter said. "It missed!"
"What do we do now?" another Rare Hunter said.
"I kill myself!" the third Rare Hunter shouted. He pulled out a knife. The other two Rare Hunters quickly grabbed him and yanked the knife from his hands.
"Uh, that wasn't what I had in mind," the first Rare Hunter said.
"What's going on?" Mai yelled from below. She looked up to see the three Rare Hunters on the roof. "Aaaah!"
"Oh crap! She saw us!" the second Rare Hunter yelled. "Run!"
The three Rare Hunters leapt off the roof and ran past Mai.
"Couldn't they have just overpowered me?" Mai said to herself. "I mean, there's three of them, and one of me... oh well, no skin off my nose. I need to find an opponent, quick! I wonder where Wheeler is..."
---
Meanwhile, back at the battle between Yugi and Barnaby...
"Oooh, I like these cards," Barnaby said, looking at his hand. "Especially this one!"
Barnaby held up a card.
"First, I'll scrap Cereal Box Killer!" Barnaby shouted. The card disappeared. "And now, I'll summon this Bot! Come forth, Frenzy! In Defense Mode!"
Barnaby laid down the card. Frenzy (ATK: 2500/DEF: 2000) was a large yellow bot with a narrow hammer attached to the center. The hammer could swing up and down, slamming into opposing Bots.
"And now," Barnaby said, holding up another card, "I'll-"
"You lose," Yami Yugi said casually.
"What?" Barnaby shouted in disbelief. "How-"
Yami Yugi flipped over his other face down trap card. The card portrayed Carmen Electra, who appeared to be gasping in disbelief.
"It's called 'Wow, What A Bot!'," Yami Yugi shouted, "and it activates whenever my opponent plays a card with an attack power of 2500 or more! It allows my bot to get a free attack by going around your bot and targeting one of your other bots! But since you have no other bots, I get to attack you directly!"
"NOOOOOO!" Barnaby screamed. "I wanted that card too..."
A hologram of Carmen Electra appeared next to Frenzy. She bent down and looked at the bot. Son of Whyachi drove around them and slammed into Barnaby's life points, causing them to plummet all the way down to 0.
Yugi: 4000/Barnaby: 0
"Yay! Yugi, you did it!" Tea squealed happily.
"Yes, I did," Yami Yugi said. Barnaby began to cry.
"But... but... that's no fair!" Barnaby yelled. "I'm the biggest Battlebots fan in the world! I can't lose already! No, no, NOOOO!"
Barnaby picked up his cards and ran away. Yami Yugi took both of his Nuts along with Barnaby's.
"Tea, look!" Yami Yugi said. "I have four Nuts!"
"Wow, Yugi, your Nuts look really neat!" Tea said. "Yugi, you're already a third of the way to the Finals! All you have to do is grab eight more Nuts!"
"And that's what I'm going to do," Yami Yugi said. He detransformed into Yugi. "Now let's-"
"Not if I get your Nuts first, Yugi," yelled a voice from one of the nearby rooftops. Seto Kaiba leapt down from the rooftop and landed next to Yugi.
"Kaiba!" Yugi shouted. "How did you get here?"
"I entered the tournament, idiot," Kaiba said. "Yugi, you're going to face me in a match right now!"
"I really don't want to, Kaiba," Yugi said. "Not right now!"
"Why not?" Kaiba asked.
"Well, you only have two Nuts, and if I fought you and got your Nuts, you wouldn't have any left!" Yugi shouted. "And then you'd be out already. And I want us to fight in the Finals! That would be cool!"
"That's right!" Tea said. "So back off, Kaiba!"
"Oh, I get it," Kaiba said. "Yugi, you're just a coward. If you don't fight me right now, I'm going to throw a temper tantrum."
"Well, okay," Yugi said. "Tea, let's go!"
"Okay, Yugi!" Tea replied. Yugi and Tea began to walk away.
"I mean it, Yugi," Kaiba said, getting down on one knee. "I'm going to kick and scream and cry until you duel me!"
Yugi and Tea continued to walk away.
"You see, Tea," Yugi said quietly, "the best way to avert a temper tantrum is to ignore it!"
"That's right, Yugi," Tea replied. "Kaiba only wants attention! Or maybe he wants friends! Friends are extremely important! Without friendship, the King of England could just march right up to you and start pushing you around!"
"Uh-huh," Yugi said. They continued to walk until they were out of Kaiba's sight.
"Duel me, Yugi!" Kaiba shouted. He flopped onto the ground and began screaming, crying, and flailing. "I WANNA DUEL! I WANNA DUEL! I WANNA-"
"Seto?" Mokuba said, standing a few feet away from his big brother. "Are you having a seizure?"
Kaiba leapt to his feet and brushed himself off.
"Yes, Mokuba, I was having a seizure," Kaiba said. "Yugi made me have a seizure."
"Really?" Mokuba asked, slightly worried.
"He just walked up to me, and his eyes started flashing all red and stuff," Kaiba said. "It gave me an epileptic seizure."
"I'm really pissed off at Yugi!" Mokuba shouted angrily.
"Mokuba, where did you learn that kind of language?" Kaiba asked.
"Eminem taught me!" Mokuba said. "Kaiba, should I go kick Yugi in the nuts?"
Kaiba smiled.
"Yes, Mokuba! Go and teach Yugi a lesson!" Kaiba shouted.
"And when I'm done, can I (expletive) Tea all night long?" Mokuba asked.
"Uh, sure...." Kaiba said. "Go get Yugi!"
"If I EVER see Eminem...." Kaiba thought.
"Yay!" Mokuba shouted. "I'll get him for you, big brother!"
Mokuba ran off, cursing angrily. Kaiba put his head into his hands and began crying.
---
Elsewhere in the Battle Zone, Joey, Tristan, and Serenity had been observing an ongoing battle between Rex Raptor and a small boy who was barely tall enough to see over the field to duel.
Rex: 950/Sumao: 400
"This battle's good!" Joey said. "I'm gonna challenge the winner!"
"The kid's name is Sumao," Tristan said. "Hmm, that's a weird name."
"It's Japanese, stupid," Joey said. "Duh. We just CAME from there."
"Now Joey, be nice!" Serenity said. "If you duel that little kid, and you're mean to him, he might start crying!"
"Serenity's right," Tristan said. "Serenity is always right!"
Serenity giggled.
"Alright, kid, you're history!" Rex shouted.
Two Battlebots, a large wedge, Voltronic (ATK: 2800/DEF: 3000) and a medium-sized thwackbot, T-Wrex (ATK: 2100/DEF: 1600) were on his side of the field, facing Sumao's lone bot, a wedge with a needle-tipped hammer called No Apologies (ATK: 2400/DEF: 2700). Rex's bots were both in Attack Mode, while Sumao's bot was in Defense Mode. Voltronic had a Titanium Wedge card effect, giving it a boost of 600 Attack and Defense points.
"Voltronic, get him!" Rex shouted. Voltronic wheeled toward Sumao's bot.
"Idiot," the child said in a monotone voice. He overturned a card that he had placed face-down. "Anti-Whyachi Tool!"
A large piece of wire-mesh metal attached itself to the front of No Apologies' wedge.
"This increases No Apologies' Defense by 1000, to 3700!" Sumao shouted. "It only works for No Apologies! What a combo, huh?"
Rex gasped as Voltronic rode up over No Apologies' wire-mesh Anti-Whyachi Tool, unable to destroy the Bot. Rex's life points fell to 50.
"Now it's my turn," Sumao said. He drew a card. "Now, I'll play this Bot! Snowflake! In Attack mode!"
Snowflake (ATK: 400/DEF: 1000) appeared on the field.
"Snowflake, finish Rex off! Attack him directly!" Sumao yelled.
"Ah, Snowflake can attack directly," Tristan said. "I see..."
"That kid's gonna beat Rex!" Joey said. Sure enough, Snowflake drove around Rex's bots and slammed into him, knocking out his remaining 50 Life Points.
"Beaten by a kid!" Rex sneered. "I don't believe this!"
Sumao smiled, taking both of Rex's Nuts that he had wagered.
"Well, I have four now!" Sumao said. "Alright!"
Joey ran up to Sumao.
"Hey, congratulations, kid!" Joey said.
"Uh, thanks," Sumao said. "Wait, I know you! You're Joey Wheeler, right? Runner-up at Duelist Kingdom and semi-finalist at Battle City!"
"Uh-huh!" Joey said, nodding his head. "I saw you battle out there, and man, you're tough! So, uh... do you wanna battle?"
"Right now?" Sumao asked. "I guess so..."
"Alright!" Joey said, pumping his fists. "I only have two Nuts, so we'll only wager two each, alright?"
"That means that even if I lose, I'm still in the tournament," Sumao said. "But if you lose..."
"I won't lose!" Joey said. "I'm gonna kick your butt!"
"Uh, Joey..." Serenity said, frowning. "Remember, be nice!"
"Yeah, sure," Joey said. "You and Tristan gonna watch our match?"
"Of course we are!" Serenity said. "I'd do anything to see my big brother win!"
"Oooh, anything?" Tristan thought. "Heh..."
---
Meanwhile, in a dark alley, Malik was having a meeting with the three Rare Hunters who had tried to hit Mai with the anvil earlier. After Battle City, Malik had promised to be good, but after an unpleasant incident at a court-ordered anger management session, well... he turned evil again, hiring new Rare Hunters from Mexico at cheap prices.
"And that's what happened, Master Malik," said the first Rare Hunter.
"Yeah, man, the anvil missed, essé!" said the second Rare Hunter.
"Don't use any Spanish, or I'll get sued for ripping off Eddie Guerrero," Malik said. "Oh yeah, and you guys are big fat failures! You make me sick! I spit on you!"
Malik spat on two of the Rare Hunters, turning both of them to stone instantly.
"Oops," Malik said. "I can't do that, either... that's ripping off Dabura."
"Uh, we didn't mean to miss!" said the third Rare Hunter. "Please give me another chance!"
"Alright," Malik said. "Bring Mai to me."
"Why?" the third Rare Hunter asked.
"Because it's always easy for me to beat Joey," Malik said. "He sucks. But the only way I can get him to duel me is if I use Mai to blackmail him."
"What about his sister?" the third Rare Hunter asked.
"I'm not paying you to think," Malik said. "I'm paying you to shut up and listen to me. Oh, and steal people's cards. And beat people up."
"And rape people?" the third Rare Hunter asked.
"No," Malik said. "If you do that, I'll cut your pay 50 percent."
"No! Don't do that!" the Rare Hunter shouted.
"Then do your job and bring Mai to me," Malik said. "GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"
The Rare Hunter ran away, screaming loudly.
"I'm not paying you to scream, either," Malik said. He sighed. "Good help is so hard to find these days. Well, except in Mexico."
Malik sighed again.
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And that's it for today's Bot-Gi-Oh! Next time, Mokuba confronts Yugi, the perverted Rare Hunter confronts Mai, and Joey duels a little kid! Oh, and Malik broods. Read and review!