DISCLAIMER: Neither Yu-Gi-Oh nor any of the Battlebots portrayed in this fic are mine. They belong to, um... whoever made them I guess. I don't have a Battlebot... yet. ^_^

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not fully keen to the rules of Yu-Gi-Oh, since I don't play, I only watch the show. So... don't get on me for that. Also, while I do make fun of lots of writing cliches in this fic, I don't intend to make fun of anyone personally, so... yeah. Also, this fanfic takes place AFTER Battle City... sort of. Some of the events in Battle City may be incorporated, some may not be. This is kind of an A/U fic. Also, for the purpose of comedy, some of the characters will be a bit OOC (out of character).

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Reviews:

The Review Guy: Nah, it's not wrong! Mai's got to have a perverted rival... so Joey can help her! ^_^ And the thought of Mokuba cursing just made me laugh. Heh...

Magicman/Smokegirl: Alrighty, those suggestions do help! You'll probably see at least one or two of those bots... one of them in particular will have a pretty vital role in this story. Can ya guess which one?

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ugh, after writing the first two chapters of this story, I kind of, um... lost interest. ^_^;;; I put Bot-Gi-Oh on hiatus, but now, I'm ready to write again! School's got me in that mood, I guess... so, here you go! Sorry it took three months to write this chapter!

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Mai stood in the middle of one of the city's streets. This particular street happened to be completely deserted.

"Ugh, I can't believe I haven't found a single person to duel yet!" Mai groaned in exasperation. "Is there anyone here?"

The perverted Rare Hunter sent by Malik walked onto the street and slowly crept up behind Mai.

"Heh heh..." the Rare Hunter chuckled. "I'm gonna bring you to Master Malik..."

Just then, Mokuba ran up to Mai. As the Rare Hunter leaned over to grab her, Mai bent over to greet Mokuba. The Rare Hunter tripped and fell flat on his face, causing Mai to gasp and turn around.

"Who was that?" Mai shrieked. "And what are you doing here, Mokuba?"

"I'm looking for Yugi, ya dig?" Mokuba said. "I'm gonna **** him up!"

"Whoa, Mokuba, where did you learn that kind of language?" Mai asked him.

"Eminem uses it all the time! He's the best!" Mokuba said, smiling.

"Ugh, Eminem is a pig," Mai replied. "Look, Mokuba, I don't know where Yugi is, okay? And you should wash out your mouth with soap."


"Hell no!" Mokuba shouted. "Don't you tell me what to do, beeyotch!"

Mai gasped.


"Mokuba, how dare you!" Mai shouted, offended by Mokuba's remark. "That does it, I challenge you to a duel!"

"But I don't have any cards...." Mokuba said, frowning.

"You seem to like Eminem so much, do what he would do! Go steal Kaiba's cards and his Nuts and bring them here so I can duel you. If I win, you have to stop using such foul language!" Mai shouted.

"I'd never steal my brother's cards! He's my homie, dawg!" Mokuba yelled. "Fine, I'll do it. But if I beat you... we're gonna do it!"

"WHAT?" Mai shrieked. "But you're just a kid! That's not right!"

"Not like that," Mokuba said. "If I beat you, we're gonna have a rap battle. Just like in 8 Mile!"

"Oh, well, that's not so bad," Mai said, smiling.

"On the big TV, in front of everyone!" Mokuba said eagerly. "You don't even have to give me your Nuts! Just a rap battle!"

Mai sighed.

"Fine, whatever, I'll beat you anyway," Mai said. "Now go get Kaiba's cards."

Mokuba ran off. Meanwhile, the Rare Hunter that had tried to grab Mai earlier stood up, groaning and moaning in pain. She turned around and looked at him.

"And who are you?" Mai asked. "You're just pathetic. I know what you were trying to do... and yes, I'll duel you."

"Wha?" the Rare Hunter said, standing up. "You, duel me? I'm still supposed to capture her for Master Malik, and... heh heh, bow chicka wow wow... I guess that can wait. I've got the deck and the two Nuts that Malik gave me. If I can beat Mai, she'll be broken and weak and that'll be the best time to make my move! Mwahahaha!"

The Rare Hunter stopped his train of thought, and immediately noticed a note taped to his face. He peeled off the note and read it. It read:

Dear Weirdo,

You take too long to think. I'm going to go duel that kid Mokuba now. I'm not really interested in dueling your type anyway.

Big smooches,

Mai Valentine

"AAAAAAARGH! Haughty wench!" the Rare Hunter shouted in rage. "I'll get her! I'll take her back to Malik and she'll be sorry she messed with me! Viva la raza!"

---

Joey: 4000/Sumao: 4000

"You know the terms of this duel!" Sumao shouted. "So let's begin!"

"Alright!" Joey said, smiling. He looked at his opening hand. "Oh yeah, this is gonna be great!"

Joey laid a Battlebot card down on the field, in Attack Mode. It was Sallad (ATK: 1600/DEF: 1050).

"That's one of the most powerful bots you can play without having to scrap any," Sumao said. "Not bad..."

"I'll play this card face down and end my turn," Joey said, laying another card on the table face down. "Your turn, kid!"

"I really, really, really hope Joey wins!" Serenity said nervously. "If he doesn't, I'll have a stroke!"

"Can I have a stroke?" Tristan asked, looking down at Serenity's breasts.


"Tristan, what are you talking about?" Serenity asked him. Inside the Battlebox, Sumao played his first bot, ZiggZagg (ATK: 1000/DEF: 1400).

"It's in Attack Mode," Joey said, looking at the card. "I wonder why he did that?"

"Your turn, Joey," Sumao said. Joey drew a card and let out a squeal of glee.


"This is great!" Joey said. "I can't believe I got this card! Oh yeah!"

"Looks like someone has a lousy poker face," Sumao said, staring at Joey. "Stop celebrating and get back to the duel!"

"I'm playing this right now," Joey said, playing the card onto the field. "It's Lifty Flipper!"

"Lifty Flipper?" Sumao said, slightly puzzled. "Eh?"

"I play this on a bot with a lifting arm, like Sallad, and it turns it into a flipper arm! It makes Sallad's attack power go up by 500 points!" Joey said. "So that means that Sallad has 2100 attack points! And now, I'll have it attack you!"

Sallad wheeled over toward Sumao's side of the field, flipping ZiggZagg high into the air. Sumao's life points fell by 1100. Sumao smiled.

"That was your big card?" Sumao asked. "Now you'll get a taste of ZiggZagg's special power, and it's bad news for you. You see, the turn that I play ZiggZagg, if I play it in Attack Mode and then my opponent sends it to the junkyard, it inflicts 1000 points of direct damage plus half of the damage caused to my Life Points!"

"Eh?" Joey stammered. "I'm not too good at math...."

"Joey, you just lost 1550 Life Points!" Sumao shouted. "Even I know that."

Joey: 2450/Sumao: 2900

"OH GOD!" Serenity screamed, collapsing into Tristan's arms. Sumao smiled.

"And it's my turn," Sumao said, drawing a card. He smiled even bigger than he had before. "Uh oh. Looks like you're in trouble, Joey."

---

"Did you find Yugi?" Kaiba asked.

"Uh... yeah, I found him!" Mokuba lied. "But, uh... there's a problem."

"What's that?" Kaiba asked. "Did he touch you in a naughty place? I'll kill him! I'll kill the bastard! After I beat him in a duel, of course."

"Damn, chill out, dawg," Mokuba said. "You see, Yugi won't duel you until I beat him in a duel. So I need your deck and your Nuts."

"Wha?" Kaiba stammered. "No way. That coward! I'll find him, and I'll kill him! After I beat him in a duel, of course."

"Please, Kaiba?" Mokuba pleaded. "This is the easy way, big brother! Just let me borrow your deck and your two Nuts!"

"I have seven Nuts," Kaiba said. "I've already won four duels against pathetic opponents."

"Already?" Mokuba asked.


"Yes. I am the greatest duelist that ever lived," Kaiba said. "Fine, if Yugi wants to duel you, here. Take my deck and two of my Nuts. When you defeat him... and you better, return to me with Yugi so that I can crush his hopes and dreams! After I defeat him in a duel, of course."

"Okay, big brother! Thank you!" Mokuba shouted, running off.

"And don't use cuss words!" Kaiba yelled.

---

Back at the duel between Joey and Sumao...

"C'mon, Joey! You can do it!" Tristan shouted. "Serenity's fainted! Wait, Serenity's fainted? Oooh, this could be a chance to make my move..."

Slowly, Serenity rose to her feet.

"Serenity, I'm so glad you're alright!" Tristan said, relieved. "Damn."

"How's Joey doing, Tristan?" Serenity asked. "Oh, I hope he's okay..."

"I'm just fine, Serenity!" Joey shouted.

"You won't be," Sumao said. "I play this!"

Sumao played a card face down, then placed a Bot Builder (ATK: 500/DEF: 300) onto the field.

"Eh? A Bot Builder?" Joey said. "That card's weak!"

"Yet again, like a novice duelist, you read the Attack and the Defense ratings and not the Special Ability! Don't you know what Bot Builders can do? If I discard one and spend 300 Life Points, I can automatically play any Lightweight-class Battlebot onto the field in its place!"

"Wha?" Joey gasped.


"Observe!" Sumao shouted. "I play... Wacker! (ATK: 2200/DEF: 950)"

Sumao discarded the Bot Builder card and played Wacker onto the field. Wacker was a large bot with a spinning lawnmower blade in the front and a makeshift driver's seat, occupied by a stuffed bunny rabbit.


"Awww, that's cute!" Serenity said. "But it's fighting Joey, so it's bad! But it's soooooo cute!"

"Am I cute?" Tristan asked. Serenity giggled.

"Oh, Tristan, you're such a good friend," Serenity said happily.

"The Friend Zone! Not again!" Tristan thought.

"Now, seeing as any bot brought onto the field by Bot Builder can attack in the first turn... Wacker, attack!" Sumao shouted. The bot drove toward Sallad. Joey smiled.

"Activate trap card!" Joey shouted. He overturned his face-down card, revealing a Killsaw hazard card. A large, spinning saw rose up from under the floor, Wacker driving straight toward it. Sumao began to laugh.

"Activate my face-down card, Hazard Malfunction!" Sumao shouted. The killsaw began to spark and grind. It flew out of its slot in the floor and rolled toward Joey, slamming into his chest. Joey let out a loud yell as the incredibly realistic hologram killsaw disappeared. Wacker charged through Sallad, destroying it.

"You lose 500 Life Points from the hazard malfunction and 100 from the attack by my bot... you lose 600 Life Points!"

Joey: 1850/Sumao: 2600

"This is terrible!" Serenity shouted. "Joey, you have to do something!"

"I'm trying, I'm trying!" Joey yelled. "Oh man, what would Yugi do?"

---

*cue daydream sequence*

Mysterious Opponent: Mwahaha, Yugi! You're going to lose! And then, I'll beat up your grandpa, rape Tea, and FORECLOSE ON THE MORTGAGE! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Yugi: Oh yeah? I have the heart of the cards!

*shows Yugi slamming a card down onto the field from eight different angles*

Yugi: Heart of the cards, help me! Help me, heart of the cards!

*A giant, angry looking heart emerges from Yugi's card. It beats the crap out of Yugi's opponent. His life points go to 0.*

Mysterious Opponent: Noooooo! Damn you, heart of the cards! *dies*


Yugi: Oh, thank you, heart of the cards!

*end daydream sequence*

---

"Oh yeah!" Joey shouted. "Now I know what Yugi would do! I gotta believe!"

"That's from Parappa, you jerk," Sumao said.

"I gotta believe... in the heart of the cards!" Joey declared.

"Oh," Sumao said. "That's different."

"Heart of the cards, help me..." Joey said, closing his eyes and drawing a card. He looked at the card and opened his eyes. "D'oh! That's no good, it's just a stupid Bot Builder... and all I have are three stupid Bot Builders, I don't even have any Lightweights to play, just this stupid Heavyweight, and I have to scrap two Bots to even play it.. This sucks!"

"Hey, are you gonna do something, or what?" Sumao shouted. "I don't have all day, I've got Nuts to grab!"

"Hold your horses!" Joey shouted. "I'm playing these three Bot Builders. At least his dumb Special Ability also lets me play as many of these I want during a turn. So I will."


Joey played the three Bot Builders.

"ARE YOU DONE?" Sumao shouted.

"Hey, stop yelling at Joey!" Serenity yelled angrily. "He's a better big brother than you'll ever be!"

"I'm a spoiled only child," Sumao said. "So sue me."

Joey stared at his three Bot Builders, sighing.

"These three can't do anything except build dumb Lightweights," Joey said. "And the guy on them is ugly, too. So what if he won the Battlebots competition and got to be on the dumb card? Geez..."

Suddenly, Joey saw something on the cards. He gasped.

"If I scrap all three of these guys, I can lay a Heavyweight bot down for free!" Joey shouted. "Alright! I knew the heart of the cards could help me!"

"Actually, that was more like the brain of the cards," Sumao said.

"Cram it, kid!" Joey shouted, discarding all three of his Bot Builders and playing his Heavyweight-class bot face-up on the field in Attack Mode. When Sumao saw the bot Joey had played, he gasped.

"That's... that's..."

Joey had played The Matador (ATK: 2800/DEF: 2400), a large bot with a huge flipping arm on its front. The Matador wheeled toward Wacker. But just as The Matador was about to flip it over, Sumao played a card from his hand.

"Saved By The Bell!" Sumao shouted. "I pay 500 Life Points, but your turn ends, and Wacker stays on the field! Yes!"

"See, in Battlebots, that's when the buzzer sounds, ending a match," Tristan said, explaining the card to Serenity.

"Tristan, I don't care about Battlebots, I just want Joey to win!" Serenity shouted. "C'mon, Joey!"

Sumao drew a card, then smiled.

"Well, well, well, this is interesting," Sumao said. "I think I've just won this match. I'll scrap Wacker and play two cards face-down, in Defense Mode!"

Sumao played both cards.

"Your turn, Joey," Sumao said, smirking. "I really hope you know what you're doing."

"I know what I'm doing! I'm kicking your butt!" Joey shouted. "Man, that sounded cool."

Joey: 950/Sumao: 2100

---

Meanwhile...

"Mai, Mai, I got the cards!" Mokuba shouted, running over to Mai, who was standing next to the large Battlebox she had found for the duel.

"I see, Mokuba..." Mai said. "So, you remember our duel, right? If I beat you, you have to stop cussing."

"And if I win, you've got to embarrass yourself by facing me in a rap battle in front of everyone!" Mokuba shouted. "So, how many Nuts will we be putting up?"

"Both of mine against both of yours," Mai said. "That's all Kaiba's got, right? You'd better win this."

Mokuba smirked.

"Heh, Kaiba would still have five Nuts even if I lost," Mokuba thought. "But I can't let her know that."

"Alright, Mai, mine against yours!" Mokuba shouted. "I'm gonna whoop your ass!"

"Mokuba, bad!" Mai shouted.

"Shut up and let's duel," Mokuba said.

---

Yugi: 3400/Kushima: 150

Yami Yugi stood across the Battlebox from a nervous and scared-looking teenage boy. Like Barnaby, he had come into the battle very cocky. Within two minutes, Yami had completely humbled him with his 1337 skillzors.

"Go Yugi!" Tea cheered.

"Prepare to lose!" Yami shouted, four very-powerful Bots in front of him. Dr. Inferno Jr. (ATK: 2300/DEF: 2100), Complete Control (ATK: 2500/DEF: 1750), Hexadecimator (ATK: 2600/DEF: 2300), and Atomic Wedgie (ATK: 2400/DEF: 2850), all faced Kushima's lone bot, Joe Mama (ATK: 750/DEF: 600).

"Y-y-y-y-y-y-your mama... is s-s-s-s-so fat, that when she sat on a qu-qu-qu-quarter, b-b-b-b-b-boogers came out of George W-W-W-W-W-Washington's nose!" Kushima shouted, extremely nervous. "Oh, you're gonna need some ice for that b-b-b-b-b-b-burn!"

"Hey, I'm the only one that can do the stutter thing," Yami said. "And I already did it 5 times! Bots, attack him and finish off his life points!"

The four points charged Joe Mama and ripped it to shreds, utterly annihilating Kushima's life points. Kushima threw his two Nuts at Yami Yugi and ran off, screaming in terror.

"Hey, you forgot your cards!" Tea said, holding up Kushima's deck.

"Oh well," Yami said. "He's gone already."


"You'd better return his cards," Tea said. "It's the friendly thing to do, and remember, friendship is important! A good friend would return Kushima's cards to him as soon as possible! It's important to be a good friend, Yugi!"

Little did Yugi and Tea know that a group of four fangirls, each of them wearing a wig that looked like Yami Yugi's hair and carrying Yugi plushies.

"Did you see that?" the first fangirl whispered to the others. "Yugi's so cool! I want him to be my boyfriend so baaaaaaad! OMG OMG OMG!!!"

"Man, Tea is so stupid," the second fangirl said. "Her stupid friendship speeches are so gay!"

"Let's kiss Yugi and torture Tea!" the third fangirl shouted.

"Yeah! Tea torture! Tea torture! Tea torture!" the four fangirls chanted as Yugi and Tea went off to find Kushima. The fangirls began to follow them.

---


"Alright, Sumao, time to finish you off!" Joey said. "You might have more Life Points than me, but I have the big bad Matador, and soon, you're gonna get a direct shot to your Life Points! Right now!"

The Matador began to wheel toward Sumao's side of the field. Sumao laughed again.

"You just don't get it, do you?" Sumao yelled. "You'll be sorry you did that... but for me... No Apologies!"

Sumao flipped over his two cards. One was the deadly bot No Apologies (ATK: 2400/DEF: 2700), and the other was the Anti-Whyachi Tool. No Apologies' Defense Points increased to 3700. The Matador slammed into it, getting caught in the Anti-Whyachi Tool and slowly wheeling back over to Joey's side. Joey's Life Points fell by 900.

Joey: 50/Sumao: 2100

"JOEY!!!" Serenity screamed. "No!"

Joey gasped.

"No Apologies... oh geez, I forgot about that thing!" Joey shouted.

"You know, that's exactly what happened to Rex," Sumao said, smiling. "And lookie here."

Sumao played Snowflake (ATK: 400/DEF: 1000) down onto the field.

"Snowflake can directly attack your Life Points, and you know what that means!" Sumao shouted.

"Sorry, I already told you, I can't do math!" Joey yelled.

"You're screwed, Joey," Serenity said. "I mean.... NOOOOOO! JOEY'S SCREWED!!!"

---

Is Joey screwed? Will Mai beat Mokuba? What will happen when Yugi and Tea confront the crazed fangirls? And what plans do Malik and his Rare Hunters have for Mai??? Find out next time on the next exciting episode of Bot-Gi-Oh!!!