The Tamora Pierce Talent Show
Disclaimer: WE DON'T OWN THE PEOPLE FROM HARRY POTTER OR TAMORA PIERCE. All of us know who they are. SO SHUT IT AND DON'T SUE US!
A/N: This will contain Tamora Pierce characters, but for some strange reason, we have the judges and the host as Harry Potter characters. This was Juli's idea. I'm just helping. Many of the gags are a result of typos that we didn't want to delete. (Actually, in the car we were writing with pen, so yeah, we couldn't delete or erase it. WOWIE KABOODLES! THIS IS A LONG A/N!)
Chapter One- In Which the Judges are Introduced and No Contestants are Shown, Except for Roger Because he Wants to Take Over the World
And now, here's your host….
Albus Dumbledore!
Dumbledore: First of all, I'd like to thank you all so much for coming to this dog-show like thing with people that I've NEVER HEARD OF IN MY LIFE. Hermione says she's heard of them, but then, she's read every freaking book there is. Now, please give a hand for your judges, Harry Potter [no applause], Ron Weasley [slight applause], and Hermione Granger [shouts of 'Mudbloods Stink']!
Harry: Hi! My name is Harry Potter! I am your [drops his notecards], er, ALBUS!! I FORGOT MY LINE!
Dumbledore [rolling eyes]: JUDGE, Harry. You are a JUDGE.
Harry [blushes]: Oh, right. Thanks.
Audience: BOOOOOO!
Ron: Yeah, right. What Harry said.
Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOO, but we like your red hair.
Hermione: Hello. My name is Hermione Granger, and I will be your third judge today. I'll try to be as fair as possible, but if you do not agree with-
Random Audience Person: YOU'RE BORING! [throws rabid monkey at Hermione]
Herion: [ducks]
Hermione: [returns with cheese fries; Ron hungrily snatches them and alternates eating them and throwing them at Harry. Harry screams and runs in circles] WHO ARE YOU???
Herion: Your evil twin. I'm in enough fanfics already…
Hermione: Oh. Interesting. Are you still as smart as me?
Herion: OF COURSE! I AM SMARTER THAN YOU! 3.1415926535897932384626433! HA!
Hermione: What was that?
Herion: PI! I'm a Muggle! DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT???
Hermione: Uh…
Herion: Smarter my foot.
Harry [from large pile of cheese fries]: HERMIONE ISN'T SMART! THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING!
Voldemort: You're right. I am the end of the world, aren't I? [In a girlish voice] Teeheeheeheeheeheehee!!!!! …Gotta work on evil laugh… [runs around cursing everyone he sees]
Harry: VOLDEMORT, YOUR END IS NOW!
Voldemort: Not until you see my drug store. It is quite the little bistro.
Harry: NEVER!
Voldemort: COME WITH ME TO VOLDYMART, YOUR SOURCE FOR ALL THINGS EVIL!
Harry: Are there cows there?
Voldemort: No. That's a stupid question.
Harry: Fine. Then I'm not coming.
Voldemort: Okay, be that way. I just wanted you to look at my slug polishers and be my friend… [Disapparates, sobbing quietly]
Dumbledore: Can we introduce the contestants already? This is about them, you know…
Ron: NO! THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE IN THE LIMELIGHT! I ALMOST GETTED STABBED BY A MAD MURDERER PERSON!
Hermione: I thought we went through this already. HE WAS LOOKING FOR SCABBERS! HE WAS INNOCENT! I-N-N-O-C-E-N-T!
Ron: He broke my leg. In one place! Now that's evil.
Hermione: NO IT'S NOT! WHAT ABOUT YOUR DAD? HE GOT BIT BY A SNAKE!
Ron: Yeah, but that wasn't evil. It was a gesture of Harry's love.
Hermione: CAN WE PLEASE GET ON WITH IT???
Dumbledore: Of course. [announcer voice that sounds like the guy at the NBA] AND HEEEEEERE'S OUR FIRST CONTESTANT, DUKE ROGER OF CONTẺ! [mutters] Who is dead.
Roger: BOW TO ME, MY LOYAL… um… THINGIES!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOW! NOW!
Audience: [applauds]
Roger: I SAID, BOW, YOU IDIOTIC, uh, IMBECILES!
Dumbledore: Roger, I'd just like to inform you that you are not allowed to use magic as your talent.
Roger: But Alanna told me that she was going to magick you into- well, she also told me not to tell. But she gets to use magic!
Dumbledore: Yes, but she also isn't bent on world domination.
Roger: Shut up.
Dumbledore: I'm afraid that shutting up will be quite impossible. When one has had that habit of talking for [counts] 293 years, it becomes rather difficult to break.
Harry: Plus, how do you shut up anyway? Do you, like, shut down first, or what?
Dumbledore and Roger [in unison]: Stupid Harry.
Dumbledore: You have thirty seconds to prepare for your act that will wow the judges to give you a perfect score, and will not involve you trying to take over the world.
Roger: Fine, fine…
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A/N: WE WANT REVIEWS!! WHAT WILL ROGER DO??? FIND OUT NEXT CHAPTER!! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!
--Maddie and Juli, the Two Trumpeteers