DISCLAIMER: Neither Yu-Gi-Oh nor any of the Battlebots portrayed in this fic are mine. They belong to, um... whoever made them I guess. I don't have a Battlebot... yet. ^_^
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not fully keen to the rules of Yu-Gi-Oh, since I don't play, I only watch the show. So... don't get on me for that. Also, while I do make fun of lots of writing cliches in this fic, I don't intend to make fun of anyone personally, so... yeah. Also, this fanfic takes place AFTER Battle City... sort of. Some of the events in Battle City may be incorporated, some may not be. This is kind of an A/U fic. Also, for the purpose of comedy, some of the characters will be a bit OOC (out of character).
---
Joey: 50/Sumao: 2100
"Oh crap, Snowflake is about to directly attack my Life Points!" Joey shouted in dismay. "And I can't stop it!"
"I'm about to defeat the number two ranked duelist in the world!" Sumao shouted. "That makes me number two!"
"Oooh, this kid and his dumb math equations... how can I beat him?" Joey thought. He looked down at his Matador card. "Wait, I've got it!"
Snowflake barreled down the field toward Joey. Suddenly, The Matador drove right at the tiny bot and flipped it skyward. Snowflake flew up, crashed through the ceiling of the Battlebox, and continued to soar until it entered into geosynchronous orbit.
"Hey!" Sumao shouted. "Snowflake always attacks directly! Your bot can't-"
"You didn't see Matador's special ability!" Joey shouted. "And I almost didn't! At any time during each turn, both mine and yours, Matador can flip one of your Lightweight bots into the scrapyard... or in this case, into space. And you lose half of Snowflake's attack points as Life Points!"
Sumao: 1900
"Oh well, I still have 38 times more Life Points than you, Joey Wheeler," Sumao said. "And I still have No Apologies in Defense Mode! So do your worst!"
"With pleasure," Joey said, drawing a card. "Oh yeah! I play Herr Gerpunden (ATK: 1800/DEF: 1100) in Attack Mode!"
A small box with a large, metal hammer on the end appeared on Joey's side of the field and began spinning.
"Then, I'll put this face down and end my turn," Joey said. "Your move, jerk!"
"Go Joey!" Serenity shouted. "I knew he wasn't screwed!"
"Coulda fooled me..." Tristan muttered.
---
Meanwhile, Yugi and Tea had stopped at a small bistro to take a break from dueling. They sat outside at one of the small tables, eating their lunch.
"I already have six Nuts," Yugi said, taking a bite out of a large meatball sub. "I'm halfway to the Battlebot City finals!"
"It's not called Battlebot City," Tea said, pouring a modest amount of ranch dressing onto a Caesar salad. "It's called, uh... I forget. It should be Friendship City! That would be cool!"
"It would be!" Yugi said. "You know, you're my best friend, Tea."
"Really, Yugi?" Tea said, her eyes lighting up. "What about Yami? What does he think about me?"
"I'm sure Yami likes you too!" Yugi said, smiling.
"No, I don't," Yami's voice boomed in Yugi's head.
"Yami, I was just-"
"Don't put words in my mouth, Yugi," Yami said. "You should concentrate on fighting evil and winning this tournament."
"Okay, Yami...."
"I love you, Yugi," boomed Yami's voice.
"Yoo-hoo, Yuuuuuuuugi...." Tea said, leaning over and waving her hand in front of Yugi's face. "You're just staring out into space..."
"Sorry, Tea," Yugi said. Suddenly, he let out a pained groan. "Urgh, this meatball sub isn't agreeing with me..."
"Kick its ass, Yugi! Challenge that meatball sub to a duel! Show that sub who's boss!" Yami's voice boomed.
"I'll just go to the bathroom..." Yugi said. "Be right back!"
Yugi ran off.
"Poor Yugi, he's got diarrhea..." Tea said. "Wait, that's kind of disgusting. I bet Yami never gets diarrhea..."
Suddenly, the four fangirls leapt out of a nearby bush and ran up to Tea.
"Who are you?" Tea shouted.
"I'm Mary Sue, and this is my gang of crazed fangirls!" the leader of the fangirls shouted. "Yugi's mine! And so is Yami!"
"I don't understand," Tea said.
"You don't need to understand anything where you're going!" the second fangirl said. The third fangirl took out a roll of duct tape.
"You're going on a one-way road to Tortureville!" the third fangirl shouted. "Mwahahaha!"
---
Mai: 4000/Mokuba: 4000
"You already know the rules, so let's duel!" Mokuba said. "Kaiba's cards are awesome!"
"Whatever," Mai said. "Make your first move."
"Okay! I play this!" Mokuba shouted, slamming a card down onto the field. "Das Bot, in Attack Mode!"
Das Bot (ATK: 1100/DEF: 1250) was a simple-looking bot with a small wedge on the front.
"And these two cards go face down," Mokuba said. "Okay, beeyotch! It's your turn!"
"I'm going to make you pay for disrespecting me," Mai said, playing a Battlebot card onto the field. "Meet Mecha Tentomushi (ATK: 1300/DEF: 800). She doesn't like you."
"A wimpy ladybug?" Mokuba said inquisitively, staring at the red, ladybug-shaped bot. "Pathetic!"
"It's got higher Attack Points than your dumb Das Bot," Mai said. "And next turn, it'll strike!"
"Yeah, but I bet you don't have the balls to attack," Mokuba said. "What with my two face-down cards and all! Ha!"
"You're as arrogant as your big brother," Mai said. "Are you gonna go, or what?"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, hold your horses, dawg," Mokuba said, drawing a card. "Oooh, this'll be great! I play.... Carnage Raptor (ATK: 1400/DEF: 1000)!"
A white, cylindrical bot with two chains extending from each end of the cylinder appeared on the field and began spinning rapidly.
"And since your dumb ladybug will cream Das Bot, I won't attack... yet, anyway," Mokuba said. "Your move, dammit!"
"I can't wait to shut this kid up," Mai thought as she drew her next card. "Interesting..."
"Hurry up and move!" Mokuba shouted. "C'mon, I don't have all day! There's a big Eminem concert on TV in an hour!"
"I'll remember to beat you nice and slow then," Mai said. "I'll play this card! Burst Of Great Driving!"
Mai played the card down onto the field. Mecha Tentomushi began glowing.
"For one turn, I can double the attack or defense of one of my bots! And I choose Mecha Tentomushi!" Mai shouted. Mokuba gasped. Mecha Tentomushi's Attack Points swelled from 1300 to 2600. "Now, I'll use this! Diamond-Tipped Sawblades!"
The saw under Mecha Tentomushi began shimmering with a bright glow. Its attack points went from 2600 to 3600.
"NO WAY!" Mokuba shouted. "Dawg, that's wack!"
"I'll show you what's wack, g," Mai said. "Mecha Tentomushi, atta-"
Mai's eyes glanced to the two face-down cards on Mokuba's side of the field. Her eyes became glazed with fear.
"What if those are trap cards..." Mai thought. "I can't risk attacking if there are trap cards... I'm paralyzed with fear!"
Mai stopped moving and began shaking violently.
"Dawg, what's your deal?" Mokuba asked. "Hey!"
"T-t-t-t-t-t-trap cards...." Mai stammered.
"Guess you're done," Mokuba said. Mecha Tentomushi's Attack Points went back down to 1300. "Shame to waste those good cards, though. Oh well, now I'll waste you! Carnage Raptor, attack Mecha Tentomushi!"
Carnage Raptor spun into Tentomushi and beat it senseless with its chains. Tentomushi disappeared.
"Now, to reveal my two face-down cards.... first, I also have a Burst Of Excellent Driving! Das Bot's Attack Points go up to 2200!"
Mai said nothing. Instead, she continued shaking.
"Geez, you're REALLY out of it, huh?" Mokuba said. "Oh well! I'll reveal my second face-down card! It's a Lifting Arm! That raises Das Bot's attack by 500 more Life Points, to 2700!"
Das Bot (ATK: 2700/DEF: 1250) began advancing toward Mai.
"Attack her fine, sexy ass directly!" Mokuba shouted. Das Bot slammed into Mai's Life Points at an incredibly fast speed. As it did, Mai snapped out of her fearful trance and gasped. Das Bot's attack points fell to 1600.
"Those weren't... trap cards?" Mai asked. "They were magic cards like mine? You tricked me!"
Mai: 1300/Mokuba: 4000
"Looks like you're in BIG trouble, Mai!" Mokuba shouted. "I still have two healthy bots, and you've got nothing! Ha!"
"What am I gonna do?" Mai thought.
---
"Okay, Tea, I'm back!" Yugi said. "Eh? Tea?"
Tea was gone.
"Hey, where did Tea go?" Yugi shouted. "Tea! Tea!"
---
Meanwhile, at the nearby park, Tea was duct-taped to a tree.
"Let me GO!" Tea shouted, struggling to get free.
"No way!" Mary Sue squealed. "Not until we make you pay for making us have to listen to your dumb friendship speeches every episode!"
"I don't give friendship speeches EVERY episode! Only every other episode!" Tea yelled angrily. "And they're not dumb! You stupid girls better let me go, or-"
The third fangirl pressed a piece of tape over Tea's mouth.
"Or what? You'll DANCE us to death?" the third fangirl taunted her. "Hahahahaha!"
"Let's hit her with random blunt objects!" the fourth fangirl suggested. "Like this club with a nail on the end of it!"
"Mmmph!" Tea shouted, furiously shaking her head. "I've got to escape! These girls are crazy! Oh, Yami... help me!"
"Let's hit her with this 2x4!" Mary Sue said, holding up a large piece of wood. She bashed Tea over the head with it. "Yaaaaaaaaay!"
Tea began sobbing.
"Tea? Tea?" Yugi shouted, running into the clearing. "Are you here?"
Upon seeing Tea taped to the tree, Yugi gasped.
"Tea!" Yugi shouted. Tea replied with a muffled shriek. The four fangirls gasped. Hearts appeared in their eyes.
"YUGI!" the four fangirls squealed at the same time. They all ran over to Yugi and huggle-tackle-snuggle-squish-glomped him.
"YUGI YUGI YUGI!" Mary Sue shrieked. "Oh, Yugi! I love you and I want to bear your children! All thirty of them!"
"Yuuuuuuuuuuuugi!" the second fangirl shrieked. "We finally dealt with that annoying Tea! You won't have to listen to her annoying friendship speeches ever again!"
"Mmmph! Hmmm mmm mmmph!" Tea shouted. "Mmmph hmmmph mmm mmm mmmph hmmmmmmph mmmmph! (Translation: Yugi, don't listen to them! They're a bunch of crazy evil fangirls who spend all their time on the internet writing horrible and annoying fanfiction, and they don't have any friends! That's why they're so evil! Friendship is really, really important! Yugi, save me, please! I'm your best friend! You have to save your friend! Because-)
Mary Sue bashed Tea on the head with the 2x4 again.
"Geez, even when you're gagged, your dumb friendship speeches are annoying," Mary Sue said angrily. Yugi gasped.
"HOW DARE YOU HURT TEA!" Yugi shouted in disgust. "I.... won't let you... GET AWAY... with this!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Yugi began glowing. Electricity began to flow and crackle around him. The four fangirls gasped.
"OMG OMG!" the fourth fangirl squealed. "He's gonna go Super Saiyan! Like sexy Mirai Trunks!"
"Oh my God, Mirai Trunks is awesome!" Mary Sue yelled. "Do it, Yugi!"
---
Meanwhile, in Malik's evil warehouse stronghold...
"I sense a disturbance in the Force..." Malik said, noticing Yugi's power surge. "Yugi is getting stronger..."
"Master Malik!" the perverted Rare Hunter yelled, running into the warehouse. "Sir, I couldn't capture Mai, but-"
"Do you feel that?" Malik asked, turning toward the Rare Hunter. "That is true power. I WANT that power."
"Sir, can I just try to capture Mai again?" the Rare Hunter asked. "Because-"
"Go," Malik said. "I have a different plan for gaining THIS power. Man, that is some power... It's giving me a huge bo-"
---
"That power feels like Yugi!" Kaiba shouted, looking up toward the sky. "Yugi, I have power too! I can go Super Saiyan! Just watch!"
Kaiba started yelling loudly. Nothing happened.
"Yes! I can feel it!" Kaiba shouted. "I'm a Super Saiyan!"
"No, you're not," said a small boy that had just walked up to Kaiba. "Mr. Kaiba, can we duel?"
"I will be a Super Saiyan!" Kaiba shouted at the boy. "DO YOU HEAR ME? YUGI WILL FEEL MY WRATH!"
"Sure he will," the boy said. "Hey, where's your deck?"
"Mokuba has it," Kaiba said. "I don't need a deck to beat you! I'm a Super Saiyan!"
---
Meanwhile, on King Kai's planet...
"Yugi, no!" King Kai shouted. "You can't battle Mary Sue! Her powers are truly terrible! You must leave San Francisco as soon as possible, Yugi! Even if you're a Super Saiyan, you can't win! Stop, Yugi!!!"
---
"Yu....Gi...Oh!!!" Yugi shouted. He transformed into Yami Yugi, and pointed at Mary Sue. "Even though I'm Yami Yugi and I don't really like Tea, you will still pay for hurting her!"
"You're not a Super Saiyan?" Mary Sue asked, slightly disappointed. "Oh well, you're Yami, and that's just as cool! I love you, Yami Yugi!"
"I challenge you to a duel! If I win, you have to let Tea go!" Yami Yugi shouted.
"Oooh, cool!" the second fangirl said, painting Tea's hair light green with a large paintbrush. "You get to duel Yami Yugi!"
"Yeah, awesome!" the third fangirl shouted, painting Tea's toenails black.
"But if Mary Sue wins, we get to keep Tea, right?" the fourth fangirl asked, punching Tea in the face repeatedly. "And we also get to keep you!"
The three fangirls giggled as Yami Yugi and Mary Sue stepped into the nearby Battlebox.
"Fine, but I won't lose!" Yami Yugi shouted. "We'll each put up six Nuts! That means that not only will the winner get to keep Tea, but the winner will also be the first duelist that makes it to the Battlebot City Finals!"
"Yaaaaaaaaay!" Mary Sue squealed. "Let's go, Yami Yugi! Even if I lose, I still love yoooou!"
"Then..." Yugi said, "the box is locked..."
"The lights are on!" Mary Sue shouted.
"And it's time... to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-DUEL!!!" Yami shouted.
"Yugi, I sure hope you know what you're doing..." Tea thought. "And I wish these stupid fangirls would stop torturing me!"
---
While Yugi and Mary Sue's duel was starting, Joey and Sumao's duel had continued for two more turns. With the help of various magic cards, Joey managed to slightly whittle down Sumao's Life Points just a little bit more, while protecting his own.
Joey: 50/Sumao: 1300
"Alright, Wheeler, it's your turn," Sumao said, having played F5 (ATK: 2200/DEF: 1500), a deadly, spinning blade bot on the field next to No Apologies (ATK: 2400/DEF: 3700). "Try to beat my two bots with your one!"
"Come on, Joey!" Serenity shouted. "You can win this thing!"
"Yeah, Joey!" Tristan yelled. "Isn't there something in your deck more powerful than Matador?"
"Hey, Matador is an awfully cool bot!" Joey yelled. "There's no way anything is more powerful than The Matador!"
Joey drew a card. It was Chinkilla (ATK: 4000/DEF: 3000), a huge, grey bot with four spinning blades on the sides, and a big metallic Jay Leno face on the front.
"I stand corrected," Joey said. "But whoa, how can I play it? I need to sacrifice two level-7 bots or higher to play it, and I only have one!"
"What's the matter, Joey?" Sumao asked. "Didn't you get a good card?"
"Shut up!" Joey yelled. "You're getting really annoying, you know that?"
"Oooh, you're pretty mad, huh?" Sumao shouted. "Well, I'm mad too! I'm mad that you're struggling so hard to win when it's useless! This duel is boring the crap out of me!"
Finally, Serenity could take Sumao's yelling no more. She turned toward him and launched into an angry tirade.
"Hey, you stupid kid!" Serenity shouted. "Joey's my big brother, and you're being a really, really, really mean jerk to him!"
"Wha?" Sumao asked. "She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... and she's mad at me! Oh no!"
"Stop harassing my big brother!" Serenity said. "Pick on someone your own size! You big dumb JERK!"
"Whoa, Serenity...." Tristan said. "You're mad..."
Serenity turned back toward Tristan.
"Sorry about that..." Serenity said. "I'm usually not angry like that... I'd never yell at you, Tristan!"
"Alright! She'd never yell at me!" Tristan thought. "You're making a lot of progress! Wait... a lot of couples fight all the time! Oh no, she still just wants to be my friend! Dammit!"
"Serenity... I've never seen her act like that before," Joey said. "I've got to win this match! For her! But what can I do? I can't get Chinkilla out without another big-time bot!"
Joey looked back at the cards in his hand. Suddenly, he saw something.
"That's it! Alright!" Joey said. "Your butt is finished, Sumao! I play Jay Leno's Endorsement!"
Jay Leno appeared on the field.
"Hey, have you seen my new bot, Chinkilla?" Jay said. "He really kicks ass, doesn't he? Sorta like my ex-wife! Ha!"
Jay Leno disappeared.
"That means I only have to pay one level 7 monster as tribute for Chinkilla!" Joey shouted. "And I pay Matador!"
Matador disappeared. In its place, Chinkilla appeared.
"Serenity yelled at me..." Sumao said sadly, not noticing Joey's new bot on the field. Chinkilla drove right through No Apologies' Anti-Whyachi Tool and rolled right over the bot, destroying it instantly. Since it was in Defense Mode, Sumao lost no Life Points.
"Your turn!" Joey shouted. "Hey, Sumao? Your turn!"
"Serenity..." Sumao sighed. "I'm sorry..."
"Sumao?" Joey asked. "Hey-"
"I can't play," Sumao said. "Finish me off...."
"What?" Joey shouted. "You serious, kid? Well, okay! Chinkilla, attack F5!"
Chinkilla rolled over F5, causing 1800 points of damage to Sumao's Life Points. His LP rolled down all the way to 0.
"I win!" Joey said triumphantly, jumping up into the air. Sumao stepped down from his battle platform, set two of his four Nuts down onto the field, and sadly began walking away.
"Hey, what's his deal?" Tristan asked. "He's just a sore loser."
"Guys, I don't think I should have yelled at him..." Serenity said. She ran over to Sumao. "Hey, Sumao, I'm..."
"What do you want?" Sumao yelled. "You want to be mean to me again? Go ahead..."
He began sniffling.
"Sumao, I'm sorry..." Serenity said, giving him a big hug. "I shouldn't have yelled at you, and-"
"Hey guys, I won the match," Joey said. "Shouldn't you be celebrating? C'mon, it was a tough match! I almost lost!"
"Thank you, Serenity..." Sumao said.
"I caused you to lose," Serenity said. "I'm really, really sorry-"
"Nah, I couldn't have won anyway. I looked at my cards," Sumao said. "I wouldn't have let Joey attack me if I had something to stop Chinkilla. I wasn't THAT hurt.... well, I guess I was, a little, but-"
"Hah! I beat you fair and square!" Joey shouted. "Uh... good match, kid. See, I'm not a jerk either! And hey, you're still in the tournament!"
"Yeah, you're right!" Sumao said, smiling. "I can still win! Well, bye everyone! Bye bye, Serenity!"
Sumao ran off.
"What a sweet little boy," Serenity said.
"NO!" Tristan thought. "This is not gonna become another one of those Sammy/Ami things!"
"He's almost as sweet as you, Tristan!" Serenity said, turning around. "But not quite!"
"Yes!" Tristan thought.
"Thanks, Serenity," Tristan said. "Now let's celebrate Joey's victory by getting some pizza!"
"Okay, but first I wanna go check on Mai," Joey said. "Just to make sure she hasn't been kidnapped or anything."
---
Mai: 1300/Mokuba: 4000
"So, Mai, are you gonna attack, or what?" Mokuba said. "Hurry up!"
"I don't have a Bot that I can play, okay!" Mai shouted. "Mecha Tentomushi was the only one in my hand! All I have are stupid level 5 and 6 bots that I need a stupid sacrifice to play!"
"You mean... I win?" Mokuba asked.
"No, I play this card face down," Mai said. "Now you win."
"Hell no, dawg! I ain't falling for that trick!" Mokuba shouted. "Damn, woman, why you be tryin' to play me like that? That damn thing is a trap card!"
"Whatever," Mai said nonchalantly.
"You know what? I'm not scared like you!" Mokuba yelled. "Das Bot, attack her directly!"
Mai smirked.
"I'm not stupid, Mokuba," Mai said. The face-down card flipped up to reveal itself. Mokuba gasped.
"Daaaaaaaamn...."
"I reveal the trap card Carmen Electra Flashes Her Breasts!" Mai shouted. Das Bot stopped in its tracks. "Now I get to draw a card from my deck! If it's a bot, I get to play it no matter what, and it gets to attack you!"
Mai drew from her deck.
"Yes! Diesector (ATK: 2750/DEF: 2700), attack!"
Diesector appeared on the field. Carmen Electra disappeared. Diesector ran down Mokuba's Das Bot, causing 1150 damage to Mokuba's Life Points as well.
"Aw no, hell no!" Mokuba shouted.
"And now it's my turn!" Mai said, drawing a card. "Diesector, attack him AGAIN!"
Diesector, at full-speed, slammed into Mokuba, causing 2750 more damage to his Life Points. Mai laughed.
Mai: 1300/Mokuba: 100
"So, Mokuba, I bet you don't have a cuss word for this situation, huh?" Mai said slyly.
"****ing ***** **** you! **** ****ing **** *****!" Mokuba cursed.
"Well, it's your turn," Mai said.
"I'll play this ****ing card face-down and end my turn. **** you," Mokuba said.
"Oooh, sore loser," Mai cooed, drawing a card. "Well, it's been fun, but you've said your last cuss word! Diesector, finish him!"
"You got hosed, dawg! You're ****ed up now, beeyotch!" Mokuba shouted. The face-down card flipped over, revealing itself. "Mechanical Error! Diesector fails, and you lose half of its attack points as Life Points! Guess what that means?"
Mai gasped.
"That's right! Bye bye, Mai-Mai!" Mokuba shouted. Diesector wheeled backwards into Mai, depleting her Life Points to zero. "Hell yeah!"
A tear slid down Mai's cheek. Mokuba took Mai's two Nuts.
"I'm sorry Mai-Mai," Mokuba rapped. "I never meant to hurt you... I never meant to make you cry, but tonight, I'm cleaning out your Life Points! Wooo!"
Mokuba walked off, leaving Mai standing on her battle platform in shock. She didn't see the Rare Hunter sneaking up behind her. The Rare Hunter grabbed her, put her in a burlap sack, and ran off.
---
Meanwhile...
"Ha! I defeated you without even using my deck!" Kaiba laughed, taking the small boy's two Nuts. "Now I have nine Nuts!"
"Make that eleven, Seto!" Mokuba said, running up to Kaiba and handing him two Nuts. "Dawg, I just whooped Mai's ass!"
"Mokuba, what did I tell you about using that kind of language?" Kaiba shouted. "Oh well, it makes no difference. One more Nut, and I'll advance to the Battlebot Invitational Duel Monsters Tournament Finals! Mwahahahaha! Mwahahahaha! Oh, and then I'll beat Yugi. Mwahahahaha! Mwahahahahaha!"
---
Uh oh! Not only did Mai lose all of her Nuts, she's been kidnapped! Will anyone save her? And coming up next time, Yami Yugi will take on Mary Sue in the ultimate duel! Plus, Kaiba begins the quest to gain his last Nut! All next time, on Bot-Gi-Oh!