Capulet: So what is it you wanted to talk to me about?

Paris: Well, I'm getting old in my old age, libido slowing down and that
whole thing.
Capulet: Honestly! If you don't quit it with the innuendo this will be R
rated in no time!
Paris: Innuendo? How did you know a big word like that?
*cue card guy hits Paris with a brick*

Paris: Ow.

Capulet: *reads Verona Times headlines. PUPPIES KICK KITTEN BUTT, CEASER'S
GHOST HAUNTS SHAKESPEARE'S LATEST PLAY, FOOD IS GOOD*
Capulet: So what does that whole innuendo thing have to do with me? I'm
happily married in case you're wondering about anything having to do with
that.
Paris: No, no, nothing to do with you. At least not directly.

Capulet: Then what do you want? My fist has an appointment with the village
idiot's face at ten.

Paris: Can I marry your daughter?

Capulet: O_O ARE YOU BLEEPING MAD?!
Paris: Yes, quite possibly.

Capulet: Why should I let you?

Paris: Since this is a musical, I'll explain it to you in song.

(Crazy For This Girl by Evan and Jaron)

She rolls the window down,

And she talks over the sound,

Of the cars that pass us by,

And I don't know why,

But she's changed my mind,

Would you look at her she looks at me,

She's got me thinking about her constantly,

But she don't know how I feel,

And then she carries on without a doubt,

I wonder if she's figured out,

That I'm crazy for this girl,

She was the one to hold me,

The night the sky fell down,

And what was I thinking when,

The world didn't end,

Why didn't I know what I know now?

Will you look at her she looks at me,

She's got me thinking about her constantly,

But she don't know how I feel,

And then she carries on without a doubt,

I wonder if she's figured out,

That I'm crazy for this girl,

Right now,

Face to face,

All my fears,

Pushed aside,

And right now,

I'm ready to spend the rest of my life,

With you,

Will you look at her she looks at me,

She's got me thinking about her constantly,

But she don't know how I feel,

And then she carries on without a doubt,

I wonder if she's figured out,

That I'm crazy for this girl,

Will you look at her she looks at me,

She's got me thinking about her constantly,

But she don't know how I feel,

And then she carries on without a doubt,

I wonder if she's figured out,

That I'm crazy for this girl,

I'm crazy for this girl

Capulet: That was..

Paris: Sensational? Marvelous? *squints at cue cards* Gr-gr.
Capulet: Sound it out.

Paris: Greeate?

Capulet: Whatever that means, no. It sucked. Like a bloodthirsty vampire
bat. And what's a car? How can you roll down a window?

Paris: No idea. Ask the songwriter.

Capulet: If that's all, then get out of my office.

Paris: But this is your broom closet.

Capulet: I broke my wife's favorite vase and I have to hide out from her
for a while.
Paris: I'm rich and stuff. I'll give you twenty vases if you let me marry
Juliet.
Capulet: Hmm. That is tempting. But what would I do with the other 15
vases?
Paris: 19.

Capulet: Whatever.

Paris: You could use them to hold the water that leaks through the leaky
roof of your marriage, each raindrop another brick on the road to emotional
hell.
Capulet: Woah. I didn't let you in here to get all melodramatic on me.
Paris: The cue card guy told you to say that?

Capulet: How did you know?

Paris: I just did. So what about Juliet?

Capulet: I'll make a deal with you. I'm having a party tonight. You can
come and introduce yourself to Juliet. If she doesn't vomit in disgust, you
can marry her.
Paris: Yay!! Thank you extreme lateness of under 16 over 18 laws!!
*Capulet and Paris exit*

*Enter Romeo and Benvolio*

Benvolio: Hey Romeo! Did you hear about old man Capulet's party tonight?
Romeo: Will Rosaline be there?

Benvolio: I don't know. Maybe you can meet someone else there.
Romeo: What if I don't?

Benvolio: You have to. You're the protagonist!

Romeo: In that case I should go get all those tattoos that say Rosaline
removed.
*Romeo and Benvolio exit*