Expectations



You know, when you've been living for a certain happening to occur for such a long time, you come to expect things. I know I did at least. I had all kinds of scenarios played out in my head. Doom scenario's and my wildest expectations alike. You just sit there and wonder, and deep in your heart, you're expecting something wonderful and thrilling and exciting to happen.


Well, a lot of things happened, but in the end they weren't at all as I wanted and hoped for.


Damn you, Squall. I expected so much from you. I had hoped so much.

 
I took him with me to the Training Center. He was quiet and had put up that 'enduring' broody kind of look he used to have in class, too. I told myself that I was still in my Instructor role, and that he was used to this kind of behavior. I'd step out of that role, and, irrationally maybe, I hoped he'd melt a little, as well. It had been a crazy day for him - his fight with Seifer, the blow he had taken on the head, his exam in Dollet, the adrenaline of the chase by that crazy spider-crab-robot-thing, his passing... and tonight was filled with promises of a new life for him. Tonight would be the night I'd get through to him. We'd just be two young people on the brink of a new life.
In hindsight, I guess I was a little drunk on champagne to expect so much from him. I had just been demoted and I wanted to make the most out of my life. I wanted to succeed in at least one thing I had been working for in the past year. I figured I had nothing to lose. Dammit.


We were standing on the balcony, in the secret area. The lights of the city and the stars were reflecting on his necklace, making his silver pendant gleam. The seabreeze ruffled his hair and the snowlion fur on his coat gently. He was so beautiful.


"What time is it?" I asked.


"A little after midnight."


Well, there it was. I told him that as of now I wasn't his instructor anymore. It was a blatant hint, a hope for a good reply. And, stupidly enough, I really expected him to answer in a positive manner. But he did not say anything. And me, with my champagne-loose tongue, I told him everything. How I felt, what had happened - I put myself into a vulnerable position before him and hoped, *expected* him to take notice of me and... I dont know what. Support me, or something. Kiss me. Have wild monkey sex with me in the secret area. What the hell. I don't know what I expected from him.


I didnt expect him to tell me to go talk to a wall.


...or that I would be so heartbroken.


When I finally crawled back into my bed some time later, I bawled my eyes out like a little girl. Stupid bastard.