Loss


They tell me it's a stupid accident, and that it's not my fault. They offer me their condolences.
I just look at them and know that they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. I'm all empty inside, unable to stop thinking about the last thing she said. "Hey, Zell, I'll race you to the shore," she grinned, seawater sparkling on her skin. She had always been an awesome swimmer; she was graceful and quick as a fish, totally at home in the waters.

It was high summer in Balamb, and ever since we had finally overcome our shyness and hooked up a few weeks earlier, we had been constantly together. It was intoxicating to be with her. She simply shone like a gem, happiness radiating off her... so infective. I loved being with her, would have done everything for her.

Marri had watched me from afar from months, she told me later. After Ultimecia was defeated, I thanked her for the mega phoenix at the party, and we simply had stayed together all night. She was so worried when I nearly choked in those hotdogs - I immediately felt warm inside because of her caring.

We spent the night in the secret area, sitting on the edge of the balcony and watching the sunrise. Glass of champagne in hand, talking and laughing. At some point she even sang for me - she had the sweetest voice I had ever heard. I kissed her, and that was that - we were an item. I had never been in love before, and this time it hit me in full force. I wanted to tell the whole world that I loved her, and I suppose I did. I drove my friends nuts by chattering about her non-stop.

High summer in Balamb, and we're swimming in the ocean. "I'll race you to the shore," she challenges me. I know already that she will win, but I don't mind. It's beautiful to see her swim. She is so beautiful.
"Of course," I smile at her. We've been in the water all day, and the sun is warm. The waves are perfect for surfing, and it makes swimming and playing in the water a nice pastime. We're having loads of fun. "One, two...THREE!"
We both dive through a wave, and then the ocean water is all around me. I stay below the surface for a while to make speed - the water pulls me back but at least the waves wont bother me this way. When I finally break through the surface for air, there are other people playing in the surf and I can't see her anymore. Lots of people. I have to change my course for the beach several times, but I'm making good time. I might have even beaten her.
When I finally reach the shore, I look around triumphantly, because I cant see her anywhere. I won!
"Marri? Yo, Marri!"
No answer. I wait for a bit, but she doesn't show up. Minutes pass, and I scan the ocean for a familiar dark-haired head. "Marri! Is this a joke or something?"
Nothing.
Eventually, nauseated with worry, I go and get a lifeguard.

Later, when they returned with her lifeless body, they told me she had an epileptic seizure. That happens sometimes to people, all by itself, they told me.
My condolences with your loss, others said.
Quistis spent long times trying to console me. As if I can ever find consolation. As if I can ever forget the way she smiled at me, or how the seawater sparkled on her skin like little diamonds, the slight sunburn on the bridge of her nose.
My condolences with your loss.
Yeah right. As if that's going to help.