Disclaimer:
Characters: not mine. They're Aaron's.
Lyrics (inspiration): Also definitely not mine. They belong to Sarah
McLaughlin, from her song Circle
There are two of us talking in circles and one of us who wants to leave in a world created for only us an empty cage that has no key
"You wanna play for money?" he asks me, to make me smile, to make me comfortable, to make me crazy, I don't know, but I agree. He knows I'll agree. When it's Toby asking I'll always agree.
"I talked to Leo." Of course he talked to Leo. Of course he's talking to me now. He won't let me go, but I have to go. "Yeah?" I say, feigning innocence. We can play this circle game for hours.
He pretends like I can stay. Like I can weather this. Like we can weather this. I know better.
We can't address it directly. It's too painful for either of us to bring into the open. I want to get out of this conversation, out of this inn, out of this state, out of this crap. I want to do my job, and I want to do it well, but sometimes you have to know when get out.
I've been here before. Josh once told me, "He thinks of you like a daughter, CJ." like that would make a difference. I told him what I'll tell Toby, "That's no reason to keep me here."
This time is different. "Relieved." He's relieved? The words flew out of my mouth so fast I couldn't catch them. I saw the look fly across Toby's face as he watched from the back, as he does whenever he's afraid I'll screw up. In my head I know its just Toby, being the paranoid overprotector that he is. But deep down I have this nagging feeling that he doesn't trust me. So I give it my all, every single time he's back there. I try to get that little bit of recognition, that quick touch of his hand to his chest that lets me know I've done well. Ten years now I've been playing this approval game with Toby. But I screwed up on Haiti.
There are two of us talking in circles and one of us who wants to leave in a world created for only us an empty cage that has no key
"You wanna play for money?" he asks me, to make me smile, to make me comfortable, to make me crazy, I don't know, but I agree. He knows I'll agree. When it's Toby asking I'll always agree.
"I talked to Leo." Of course he talked to Leo. Of course he's talking to me now. He won't let me go, but I have to go. "Yeah?" I say, feigning innocence. We can play this circle game for hours.
He pretends like I can stay. Like I can weather this. Like we can weather this. I know better.
We can't address it directly. It's too painful for either of us to bring into the open. I want to get out of this conversation, out of this inn, out of this state, out of this crap. I want to do my job, and I want to do it well, but sometimes you have to know when get out.
I've been here before. Josh once told me, "He thinks of you like a daughter, CJ." like that would make a difference. I told him what I'll tell Toby, "That's no reason to keep me here."
This time is different. "Relieved." He's relieved? The words flew out of my mouth so fast I couldn't catch them. I saw the look fly across Toby's face as he watched from the back, as he does whenever he's afraid I'll screw up. In my head I know its just Toby, being the paranoid overprotector that he is. But deep down I have this nagging feeling that he doesn't trust me. So I give it my all, every single time he's back there. I try to get that little bit of recognition, that quick touch of his hand to his chest that lets me know I've done well. Ten years now I've been playing this approval game with Toby. But I screwed up on Haiti.