Title: Who Wants To Be...a Mewlonaire!
Author: Deja Vu
Summary: This is a Pokémon version of "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire."
Rating: No language, only a little Pokéviolence.
Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon, but this story is mine.
Go fish, Pikachu sighed.
Don't tempt me, Squirtle joined his minute murine companion in sighing.
Pikachu, Bulbasaur said warningly. For the last time, this is hearts, not "Go Fish."
Achoo! Charizard sneezed, catching the cards on fire. He gave a sheepish yawn, Oops.
Pikachu shrugged, I was getting tired of Poker anyway.
Go fish! Bulbasaur shouted, a little confused.
No thanks, I'm not hungry, Pikachu replied.
Urgh! You're impossible! Bulbasaur stomped off.
What's his problem? Pikachu asked.
Squirtle shrugged, Got me.
Wanna play tag? Pikachu asked hopefully.
No, Squirtle replied sullenly. You always win.
How about we go to the Kanto Derby and bet on a couple of Rapidash? Charizard suggested.
Too hot, Pikachu shook his head.
Playing solitaire till dawn, with a deck of fifty-one, Squirtle started singing. He hummed a few phrases he couldn't remember the words to and then started singing again, ...Captain Kangaroo...Now don't tell me...there's nothin' ta do...
I know, I know! Pikachu exclaimed. How about we do a Pokéversion of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"?
But who would be the host? Charizard asked doubtfully.
There was a sudden poof of air behind them, and a voice spoke in their minds. You know, it's funny you should ask that.
The trio instantly swiveled around and saw a flying, cute white cat. Since it was not an everyday occurrence to see an airborne feline, Pikachu suspiciously demanded, Who are you?
"Mew."
Charizard smirked, What kind of name is 'Mew' for a cat?
What kind of name is 'Charizard' for a lizard? the cat shot back.
Charizard's eyes slitted, and Squirtle hopped into the conversation. We'd love to be in it! Whadda we get if we win? Where do we go?
Oh, there's an abandoned gym several miles north of here, Mew answered, ignoring the first question. With a bright flash of light, Mew had Teleported them to the gym.
The gym was decorated in blues, whites, and pinks, which were, of course, the colors that Mew himself bore. Surprisingly enough, Mew now had on blue pants and a blue jacket, both of which matched his eyes (his tail stuck out in a hole at the back), a white dress shirt underneath, and avery long pink tie that trailed down to the floor from his seat in the air.
There was a surprisingly large crowd, full of humans and various Pokemon. They were all yelling nonsense loudly and happily.
Mew's airseat was right next to a small table with a solid chair across from him, and he had a microphone on the table next to him. "Mew mew mew mew, mew mew mew mew!" his tiny high-pitched voice came over the speakers.
All of the humans and several of the Pokemon merely looked at him uncomprehendingly. Mew put on a quizzical look and tapped the microphone.
One of the members of the sound crew immediately fixed the problem, pushing thetranslate button with a sheepish grin.
Mew cleared his throat, and a loud, low, booming voice came over the speakers. "Hello, I'm Mew, and welcome to...'Who Wants to Be...A Mewlonaire!'"
The fans immediately started cheering, stomping, applauding, and generally flailing about, even louder than before. Mew put on a fake patient smile, waiting for it to subside.
It didn't.
His impatience finally got the better of him, and he shouted into the speaker, "Quiet!"
Evidently the crickets didn't hear him, so he shouted again. The bugs quickly realized the error of their ways, and scrammed from the building. Psychic Pokemon may be weak against Bug Pokemon, but regular bugs didn't stand a chance.
"Ahem," Mew smiled innocently. "Here's our first quick-paws decider:
Rank these Pokemon in Number Order:
A.) Aipom
B.) Stantler
C.) Jumpluff
D.) Chinchou."
Various clips from "Pokemon: The First Movie" played, and then the results came in.
Mew looked down at his screen. "The order of is...D. Chinchou, C. Jumpluff, A. Aipom, and B. Stantler. Our fastest quick-pawsee was..." Mew muttered, "—surprise surprise," then loudly stated, "—Mewtwo!"
This name produced a wide variety of reactions from the spectators, as well as the wanna-be-participants. Pikachu and his fellows booed and hissed (several audience members joined in) because Mewtwo was Psychic, and answers were easy for him to come by.
Mewtwo strutted up triumphantly and attempted to sit down. Alas, his tail got in the way, so he settled with an air seat.
"Erm...Welcome, Mewtwo," Mew nodded at him. "So...do you have any family members here with you?"
Mewtwo nodded, and projected his answer into everyone's minds, My wife and kids are over there. Hey, honey!
An incredibly strange-looking Mew waved back. She had dark red lipstick on, bright pink cheeks, long black eyelashes, bright blue eyeshadow, gold hoops on her ears, a tight blue dress, a pink bow on her tail, and, to complete the ensemble, huge pink heels (to match her huge feet). She had to continuously pluck her two squirming kids (a very strange-looking cross between Mew and Mewtwo) back down in their seats.
Mew widened his eyes at Mewtwo's choice of wife and murmured, "The TV guys aren't gonna like the 'speak-in-mind' thing that Mewtwo has going on..." Loudly, he said, "Our first question is:
Which of these Pokemon is weak against fire?
A.) Shuckle
B.) Forretress
C.) Ekans
D.) Haunter."
Evenly, Mewtwo replied, This is an easy one. I've defeated all of those Pokemon many a time, and know exactly—
Mew interrupted, "What's your answer?"
Looking perturbed, Mewtwo answered, B. Forretress.
"Is that your—"
This time Mew was cut off. Final answer.
"Dum dum," said the music.
"Ittwight!" the violin exclaimed.
Smack!the conductor smashed the violin. The music continued, "Dun dun...dun!"
"And Mewtwo is absolutely...wr...wr...wr...riiiight!"
Cheering, booing, and hissing ensued. But after an evil look from an angry Mewtwo, it stopped. All that is, except Pikachu, who was yelling something in Pikalanguage about getting rid of the big fat cat. When Pikachu noticed the silence around him, he shut up quickly, looking embarrassed.
Mewtwo glared, and his eyes glowed as he lifted his paw. But Mew interposed himself between the two warningly. "Mew mew mew mew mew." Mew disappeared, annoyed, and reappeared back on his air cushion. He spoke into the microphone. "No fighting allowed," the translated voice boomed. Mew nodded, satisfied.
Mewtwo's eyes spat bullets, but he turned back around and gave Mew his attention. "Mewtwo is now at 100. Here's the next question:
How much wood would a woodchuck...Hey, wait a minute...techies!" Mew screamed into the mike, and even the audience could hear the "Meeeeewwwww!"
"Y-yes sir?" a shaky voice asked over the speakers.
"Why are questions from the "World's Largest Collection of Rhetorical Questions" on my screen?"
"B-b-b-bec-c-cause..."
"Why?" Mew demanded.
The squeaky-sounding man replied, "P-practical joke, s-sir."
"From who?"
"Y-your m-mother."
Silence.
The voice spoke again, "S-she thought you w-would enjoy the h-humor of it..."
"Oh, uh, yes. Very funny. Heh heh, that's a good one, mom," Mew spoke in a small voice.
"Did you change your underwear, snootleykins?" a translated feminine voice asked over the speakers.
"Mom! I'm a cat! I'm notsupposed to have underwear!"
The audience stared at Mew, stunned. Quickly, he added, "But, yes, yes, I changed it. Sure did. Wanna see?"
All at once, the audience members covered their eyes. They certainly didn't want to see.
Mewtwo was growing impatient, Look, Ms. Mew, I'm trying to win here, and I'd really appreciate it if we could get on with the show.
"What. Did. You. Say?" she asked in a stunned but angry voice.
Mewtwo repeated what he said, and Mew's mother bit out, "Yes. That's what I thought you said...Do you know what I do to insolent little boys?"
I'm not...inso-diddly whatever, little, or a boy Mewtwo insisted.
"Uh oh," Mew hid under the table, which suddenly sprouted a secret compartment.
"Oh, you're not, are you?"
Nope, Mewtwo seemed pleased that she understood.
Suddenly, Mewtwo started floating higher in the air, powerless to stop it. He tried flailing about, but the invisible grip held on tight, and with a flash of purple light he was thrown through the wall to heaven knows where.
There was a minute of silence, and then Mew got back out and cleared his throat. "We shall have another quick-paws test." He looked down. "Put these in order of geographical importance:
A.) Mewhair
B.) Mewtail
C.) Mewbutt...Okay. Who wrote this?" Mew demanded. Before anyone could reply, he spoke, "Never mind. I don't want to know."
Mew pressed a few buttons, then a new question popped up. "These are moves that Skarmory learns. Place them in the order that it learns it:
A.) Fury Attack
B.) Sand Attack
C.) Swift
D.) Agility."
Mew looked down. "Okay, no one got that right. Guess it was a little too hard for someone thatisn't a Skarmory. Let's get an easy one down here, boys!" A card popped up, and he grabbed it.
"Which came first, the Pidgey or the egg..." Mew glared down at the card, and shouted into the microphone again. "Give me a real card!"
Obediently, one popped up. Mew took it cautiously, then cleared his throat. "Order these according to numbers." He grumbled, "These seem to be easy. Ahem:
A.) Dragonite
B.) Zapdos
C.) Articuno
D.) Moltres."
"I wanna be the very best," a voice sung. "Like no one ever was. To catch colds is my real test..And sneezing is my cause!"
"Cut the singer!" Mew screamed, annoyed.
"Yessir, Mew, sir, Mew, Pokémon, sir. Yeah."
Rolling his eyes, Mew looked at the results.
"Our winner is..." his voice rumbled over the speakers, "—Pikachu!"
"Pika pika, pikachu!" Pikachu sang as he ambled over to his new seat. Grinning, he held up two chubby fingers in Ash's traditional pose. "Pika-pi!"
"Hey, Pikachu!" a voice shouted from the crowd. "That's my copy-righted-no-one-else-can-take-it-only-I-can-use-it-because-I-said-so-and-otherwise-it-wouldn't-be-fair-because-I-rightfully-made-it-up-pose!" Ash marched up to Pikachu angrily.
"Pika?" Pikachu looked up at him with wide, watery eyes.
"Oh, all right," Ash sighed, and he plopped his hat back down onto the yellow mouse. "You have to at least turn the hat around." He went back to his spot.
Pikachu turned the hat around and held his fingers up, "Pika-pi!"
"Are you finished yet?" Mew glared.
"Pika," the Electric-type nodded, satisfied.
"Which of these humans is in love with Misty Waterflower?
A.) Gary Oak
B.) Brock Slate
C.) Ash Ketchum
D.) Tracey Sketchit."
"It's not true!" Ash exclaimed, before realizing that Pikachu hadn't answered yet. "Uh, go ahead, Pikachu."
"Pi..." Pikachu scratched his head, deep in thought.
"Now do you know someone in that list that is definitelynot in love with Misty?" Mew inquired.
Pikachu nodded. Gary Oak...And Tracey. He's gay.
"I am not!" the boy shouted in a high-pitched voice, firmly clutching his sketchbook to his chest.
Is too, Pikachu whispered, grinning. Can I use a lifeline?
"Are you sure you want to do this? You only have three lifelines left."
Positive. I want to ask the audience.
"You heard him, folks. Punch in your vote!"
"Let's have a Poképarty! With Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connect-i-cut!"
"Those aren't Pokemon," Mew quietly informed the annoying voice that was trying to pass the time.
"Oh." The voice changed tunes. "You know Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer, and—"
"Neither are they."
"'Kay." Another tune. "Let's join Dopey, and Doc, and Grumpy, and even ol' Sleepy—"
"And that's enough singing," Mew stated flatly. "The votes are in, and..."
A little bar graph appeared on the ceiling, lit up by several lights on the floor. An interesting sight.
"It appears that all but one of the audience members think that Tracey is gay (how did they get to vote that?), and all but one of the audience members think that Ash is the one...Well, are you going with or against the odds?"
"Pi..." the Electric-type thought about it. With them!
"Okay...And the correct answer is...Air rur. Now who's heard of Air rur?" Mew looked puzzled.
"It's error you idiot!" someone from the lighting booth shouted. "The correct answer is Ash. As if no one in their right mind didn't know that."
"Ash," Misty turned to him. "I didn't know you loved me."
"Doh!" "Pi!" Mew and Pikachu sweat-dropped.
"Buuuuuuuuuuzzzzzzzz!" the buzzer yelled. "That's all the time we—"
"That's my line!" Mew sniffled in a little voice. Then back to his booming translated voice, "That's all the time we have for today folks. Please join us next time in—join me, audience—"
"Who"
"Wants"
"To"
"Be"
"A"
"Mewlonaire!"