The Arrangement
By Rhea Jediknight
Disclaimer: I'm not making any money from this work. Thanks go to George Lucas and Timothy Zahn for creating such wonderful characters.
This story is dedicated to Ash Darklighter for her friendship and infinite patience and to Veronica for her unflagging encouragement. Thank you!
*********
A special thanks go to Angel Tsuiraku *grin* , Aleese Sundancer, MaraJadeSkywalkerJedi, Falcon-Rider, animafan1988, star_rebel, Danni-2005, Lacy1, and Jadefox. Thanks for all the reviews and feedback!!
Part Eight
Mara took a slow, deep breath while Luke watched her guardedly. He wondered how she would respond to his admission that he loved her. He hardly dared to hope that she would tell him she shared his feelings, but he couldn't help but hold his breath as she struggled to form her response.
"You're right. I'm overreacting. It shouldn't affect our plan adversely." And then she continued in a small voice, "I just can't help but feel bad for the way you feel."
Her words struck him to the core, and he struggled to maintain his equilibrium. "I don't want your pity, Jade." The Jedi said scathingly.
Mara wanted to correct him, to tell him that she pitied herself, not him. She wouldn't say such a thing, however. Mara didn't want Luke to deny his feelings for Callista, just to spare her. She would be a lot more comfortable with the knowledge that whatever they shared was true, that they didn't exist in a world of half truths. Mara wanted to know where the Jedi stood, so that she did not read something into his actions or words that wasn't really there. She wanted to guard her heart against the possibility of loving him. Mara did not live in a dream world where everything worked out the way she would like, she wanted to be fully aware of her reality and her husband's heart.
"I don't want you to pretend to feel something that you don't. I want you to be honest with me." She studied him for a moment and then continued, "I care for you, and it hurts me to see you in pain."
Luke felt something within him loosen. Mara was giving him permission to express his love, even though she didn't share it. And she was admitting to having some feelings for him, even if they didn't go as deeply as he would have liked. Luke's expression softened, encouraged by her words. "I'll worry about my heart."
She froze, feeling that he was trying to warn her that his heart wasn't her concern, but his own. She managed to control her feelings, not allowing them to leak through to the Jedi Master.
He moved closer and pulled her into a hug, "We're going to be alright, you'll see. It doesn't matter if we don't share love, but I have faith that it won't prevent us from finding happiness. We have a lot of things going for us." Luke thought of Mara leaving him, realized that even if she didn't love him, he would want her in his life. Half of Mara was better than none of her. He would take whatever he could get and hope that in time he would have it all. He had to have hope.
*********
By the time the sun had crested over the Manarai mountains, Luke and Mara had already begun the journey to Yavin. The process of gathering their belongings, checking out of the hotel, and preparing the ship for departure had served to cover any lingering tension that remained from their recent discussion. The shipboard routines had forced them back into a well known pattern. It blunted their hurt, filling their minds with familiar and comfortable tasks.
By unspoken mutual consent they made no mention of the revelations they had shared, having no idea that instead of coming to an understanding they had only managed to further the confusion.
Once the Jade's Fire was in hyperspace, Luke and Mara lapsed into silence. It was not strained but it was far from comfortable. Desperately seeking a way to lighten the mood, Mara stood up and said "Come with me."
Luke followed her, some what hesitantly. She led him to the main cabin in the back, switching on the overhead lumina so the entire room was bathed in a soft white glow. A panoramic window dominated one wall, showing a magnificent view of the passing starlines. An oversized bed piled with plush nerf hide blankets was centered in the room. A door on the right lead off to the fresher. Their flight bags rested at the base of a small end table.
Luke watched as Mara took her bag and opened it. She had left her hair unbound and it hung to the cinched waist of her white flight suit. The white accented her creamy skin and made her hair seem all the more brilliant. The lightsaber that had been his father's swung from her belt. She was breathtakingly beautiful, and Luke experienced a familiar bittersweet pang as he gazed at her.
Mara pulled a shiny cloth bag from her luggage and smiled broadly at him. Luke returned her exuberant grin feeling his heart lighten at her joy.
"I realized I never gave you my wedding present." .
"I wasn't looking for anything, Mara. You agreed to marry me and that was present enough."
"I have a wedding present for you, so accept it."
"Yes, Ma'am."
She sat down on the edge of the bed and handed it to him. The bed shifted as he sat beside her, accepting the gift silently.
She watched as he started to work the ties free. He glanced up at her with a smile that was both eager and a little unsure. The brilliant blue of his eyes never failed to amaze her. He wore a charcoal gray tunic with matching pants and black boots that reflected the overhead lumina. His hair was still just the slightest bit damp around his ears from his shower that morning, appearing a dark blond against the somber tones of his outfit. Mara returned her attention to the gift, and immediately became transfixed by his deft fingers as they began to remove the contents of the bag.
He gave a short laugh as he withdrew a small medkit.
Mara began to explain, "I tried to think of something that you would need." She teased. "I made sure it had plenty of bacta patches and pain relievers."
"Something I would need, huh?" he asked as he set the kit aside. He could still feel something in the bag and reached inside to withdraw the other item. "So you're still planning on killing me?" he teased in return.
"If I was planning on killing you, I wouldn't buy you a medkit would I? Why undo my own handiwork?"
"Good point," he conceded.
Luke pulled out a rectangular box. When he lifted the lid, he saw an expensive wrist chrono. It was constructed of a non-reflective black metal. He pulled it out of the box to examine it closer. It was more of a computer than a chrono, and he saw it had a small port in its side that was identical to those used in small snub-nosed fighters.
"I made sure when I had this constructed that if something were to ever happen to the main drive on your X-wing, this unit could perform the processes that your astromech isn't designed to handle. It even has enough power to provide a surge that could restart a stalled engine. Although, I wouldn't count on it working more than once." Mara shrugged, "I figured I caught you sitting dead in space once. I don't want to think it might ever happen again. The small power cell is solar powered. It should recharge whenever you're planet side."
"Mara, it's amazing." Luke managed past the constriction in his throat. It was an incredibly useful and thoughtful gift. He was fascinated by its design and looked forward to examining it further at a later date. He flipped it over and saw that there was an engraving on the back. He brought it closer to read, 'May the Force always be with you Luke - Mara'
He felt tears build behind his eyes and he closed his fingers around the chrono into a fist. Without thought, he pulled Mara to him and hugged her. He was overwhelmed with emotion, his Force senses swelling toward Mara. Mara's own sense joined him for a moment, to sway with him. Luke continued to clutch her tightly against him, his free arm wrapped around her. His fingers tangled in her hair, and he squeezed his eyes shut
She withdrew through the Force, and he pulled free, wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Mara was both pleased and embarrassed by his emotional outburst. Luke rose from the bed and said, "I have something for you too."
He pulled a box out of his bag and presented it to her. She pulled out a piece of flimsy. Mara gave him a curious glance.
"I kept thinking about what you said, not having any family, not even knowing who your parents were. I had hoped that I could track them down for you. I hope you don't mind but I took a DNA sample from a strand of your hair and had the Coruscant census computers track down your heritage. Unfortunately, I could only find mention of your mother and she's no longer alive. That's her biography. It's sketchy at best. Records from that period were often incomplete."
"The galaxy was in chaos - it's not surprising." She absently twined her finger around her hair, wondering why she had never thought to do the same on her own. Mara glanced again with renewed interest. She read the name, "Margura Jayde." She said out loud. "Whoever my father was, she must not have ever taken his name."
"Speaking of which, what do you want to do?"
Mara shrugged, "I don't mind being a Skywalker."
Luke gave her a winning smile that melted her heart. "Thank you."
He gestured to the box, "There's more."
Mara set the flimsy aside to read through it later. She pulled a green glimmer stone locket hanging from a gold chain. She compared it to the ring and saw that it matched, the stones were identical in shade.
"I bought them as a set. After we had the discussion that night at the Outer Quadrant restaurant, I had hoped . . . Well, anyway, the color reminded me of your eyes."
Mara was touched. He had bought this even before he knew that she would marry him. She had wondered about the ring, but had decided that it must have been a family heirloom. She had no idea that he had actually purchased it just for her. It made the ring seem even more special. Forget Callista, she told herself. This was for her. Mara Jade. Mara swallowed. Mara Jade Skywalker and she had married him.
Luke leaned forward, his arm brushing across her chest as he helped her to put it on. He glanced up, his face inches from her own and then showed her a small latch. A metal panel swung on a hinge to project a blank holoprompt. "It has a small holo player inside. You can store up to ten images. I figured I would leave the choice of images up to you."
Luke was immensely pleased at Mara's reaction to the gifts. He had tried to get her something that would make her happy. She continued to gaze wonderingly at the amulet, and the idea that the piece of jewelry affected her, gave him hope.
The extremely thoughtful and personal nature of Mara's gifts to him touched Luke deeply. It made him wonder why she seemed so closed off from him. She seemed to be shying away from him, trying to conceal how she felt. Mara had always valued her privacy highly, but it didn't explain the way she seemed to be actively blocking him out.
The closer he got to Mara, the tighter her shields became, and this more than anything began to cause his mind to race. Luke had little trouble recalling the numerous looks and gestures they had exchanged when they were alone that could not be for the benefit of an audience.
He had relieved these experiences when he lay awake at night, cherishing each memory. There was the time she had told him that any woman would marry him, the way she had rubbed his back while they were talking to Leia on the com unit, the numerous looks, and loving way she had touched him on more than one occasion, and the absolutely wonderful way she had trusted him utterly with her body when they had made love.
Mara had admitted to having the wrist chrono fashioned specifically for him, and had even made a point in accepting his Jedi heritage with the engraving "May the Force be with you." Although it wasn't exactly a declaration of undying love, he knew she was striving to show that she embraced that part of him. He knew that this was the first step toward Mara excepting her own Jedi heritage, and although it would not be easy, he was immensely proud of her.
But whether she realized it or not, he was convinced that Mara Jade .. . . Skywalker, felt deeply for him. Luke was almost certain that she was in fact in love with him, but for some reason, Mara was actively denying her feelings. She either feared to be in love, felt unworthy of being the object of his love, or was oblivious to the true depths of her emotions for him.
Mara saw that Skywalker's gaze had lost focus and seemed to be communing on some other level. He was either lost deeply in thought, receiving some sort of Force vision, or both.
"Luke? What is it?" Mara asked, "What's wrong?"
Luke focused his gaze on Mara and the look he gave her caused her stomach to flutter.
He would have to show her that their love was nothing to fear, that he loved her desperately and would never leave her. He would allow her time to accustom herself to the knowledge that she shared this powerful emotion. Every time he verbalized his feeling, bringing them overtly to her notice she shied away.
He would have to tread carefully. But the incredible joy that engulfed him, thrilling him could not contain. Luke burned to tell her again how much he loved her, but he knew that it would be a mistake. Instead of giving her joy, his words would only cause Mara to retreat again. They had just recovered most of the territory they had lost from his last declaration. He had no desire to repeat that blunder. He would just have to show her, instead.
"Everything's wonderful." He took her face in both of his hands and kissed her softly. His Force sense wrapped her in warmth. He had proven to her that they shared passion, now he would show her that they shared love as well.
The Jedi's kiss stunned her. Mara grew lightheaded and swayed against him. Luke wrapped his arms around her, lending her support. His warm, clean scent made her senses spiral. She wouldn't be surprised to learn that the ship's artificial gravity had failed, she felt so light. Mara ached for Skywalker, but it wasn't a purely physical need. She wanted more of him, to be with him, to share everything with him.
Their lips caressed lightly, tenderly. Luke's hands roamed soothingly along her back. And when he pulled back, Mara gazed at him in astonishment. Luke smiled tenderly at her, and she wanted him inside of her, not just because she was filled with desire, but because he completed her.
Luke felt his entire body tighten with need at her expression. He could sense her desire mingled with surprise. That his kiss could astonish her after everything they had shared was a good sign. Mara couldn't be amazed by their mutual desire, not after last night. If it wasn't the way she felt physically that was causing her reaction, then it must be the way she felt emotionally.
He wondered if he should give her some space to prove to her that his kiss was not just a prelude to his physical need for her. He should get up and move away from the bed. They had so much that they needed to discuss. But when Mara closed the distance between them again, claiming his mouth, Luke knew that he would not be able to resist her.
They kissed. They caressed. They touched each other every where. And when the need became excruciating, they joined their bodies. They moved together, Luke plunging into her, his weight on his arms, his hips grinding into Mara's. She gasped, clutching him to her, urging him to dive even more deeply. Luke kissed her passionately, so sweetly that Mara pressed her mouth against his shoulder, muffling a sob.
They made love slowly, tenderly, taking their time exploring the length of their bodies, watching the play of emotions on their faces as they moved in the exquisite rhythm of desire. There was an added intensity to their lovemaking that stirred them acutely.
Mara pushed Luke onto his back, to straddle him. She felt something within her ache for him, something beyond her body's desire. She wanted him badly, and Luke was eager to give in to her needs. She rocked against him, causing wave after wave of pleasure to ripple through them. Luke watched her through heavy lidded eyes, the very sight of her made it difficult for him to maintain control. He cupped her breasts and drew one into his mouth.
Mara threw her head back, rocking against him, crying out. Luke shifted his hands to her hips, continuing to suck deeply. He bucked up into her, pulsing deeply within her. They cried out in unison as they shattered against each other, shuddering convulsively. Mara collapsed on to Luke's chest, her hair falling into his face. Luke clutched her against him, holding her in place, trying to keep her with him for as long as possible.
He felt something damp against his shoulder and he could feel something tingle through the Force. Luke shifted her to the side, pushing her hair away from her face. There were damp trails streaking down her face. The sight caused both a pain and a ray of hope to streak through him.
"Hey." He said softly, using the pad of one finger to brush the tears away.
Mara shook her head, as if to deny that she was crying and then seemed to realize the futility of the gesture.
With the back of one hand she wiped furiously at the betraying moisture and said, "I don't know what's come over me."
But Luke had a pretty good idea. He would be surprised if she didn't realize at that moment that she loved him, but were they tears of joy or of some darker emotion?
He wanted her to recognize her emotions, to no longer deny them so that they could freely express their love, so he asked, "Do you think that there's a reason for your tears? I think if you search within yourself you'll find the answer."
Mara's eyes grew wide. Did he know that she was in love with him? She felt a ripple of shock course through her. Since when did she fall in love with this Jedi? But she knew the answer. The very first moment she laid eyes on him.
But why if he didn't love her would he want her to acknowledge this? She had to have misunderstood. He wasn't talking about love, he was talking about a child. Was she acting emotionally because she was pregnant?
She tried to sense within herself but could not detect a glimmer of new life. Perhaps it was too soon to sense a baby within her, but not too soon for her body to start to change. The idea that her tears were the result of hormones and not the realization that she was in love with a man whose heart belonged to another, was an appealing notion.
She replied, "It seems unlikely, but I guess its possible that I'm already with child."
Her words arrested his heart for a moment, startled by her train of thought. Could she be pregnant? He was momentarily speechless, and filled with a hopeful yearning. The idea of Mara carrying his child was like a dream come true. He hardly dared to hope.
Luke tried to sense the presence of another life, but did not detect anything through Mara's brilliant light in the Force. If it were true, the fetus would be no more than a day old, little more than a few cells. He doubted that even a Jedi Master could detects an infant so early.
But it was possible that Mara would begin to experience some slight changes. He remembered that Leia seemed to know when she was carrying her children fairly early in their development. As much as he'd like a child with Mara, he was a little disappointed that her emotional display might not be proof of her love for him. Luke smiled hesitantly and said, "I thought you said it was unlikely."
Did he sound disappointed? "But not impossible." Mara replied. Now that he was faced with the possibility of fathering a child, was he beginning to regret their arrangement?
He must have detected Mara's distress because he asked quickly, "What's wrong? You're not unhappy with the idea?"
Mara shook her head immediately, "No, it's just that you sounded disappointed."
Luke smiled widely, "Of having a child with you? Not at all. How could I ever be disappointed in a baby that we created together? It's just that I realized that I kind of like the idea of us having some time as a couple before we have a family."
Mara gave him a strange look and then asked hesitatingly, "You do?"
Luke didn't understand the reason for her look and for the first time, wondered if she still believed that he was only interested in marrying her so that they could have children together. Hadn't she understood that he was in love with her?
He had already tried everything short of saying the words "I love you", and verbalizing his emotions had already proven disastrous. Perhaps he was trying too hard, expecting too much in too short of time. Their marriage had been little more than a business arrangement, and it was only the dawn of the first day of their honeymoon. It was unrealistic for him to expect that Mara's views would shift so quickly. Luke looked deeply within himself, seeing that his feelings were firmly rooted, having grown for a very long time. It had taken him years to realize how much he loved Mara, he couldn't expect that she would come to the same realization at the exact moment that he did.
He had time. Luke had decided their time alone during their honeymoon would be the ideal opportunity to prove their love. Although it was trying for him even after all these years of striving, he could be a patient man.
If necessary, they had the rest of their lives together Surely, in that time, he would hear her say the words his heart so longed to hear.
********
The rest of the journey to Yavin was a time where they adjusted to the quirks of living together. Luke learned quickly not to wake Mara too early in the morning. Mara grew tolerant of Luke's casual nudges to expand her Force skills and took his lapses into the didactic Master role in stride
She was surprised to find that she was not resentful at his determination to teach her things, and was actually rather touched by his eagerness to share his knowledge. This tendency allowed Mara to display some Force abilities Luke had never considered and he adjusted with surprising willingness to student mode. He was not arrogant about his skill in the Force, and she grew aware of all the little things she loved about her new husband.
They would often times exercise in the mornings, eat late lunches, and play holochess late in to the evening until they were both exhausted and fell asleep quickly in each others arms. They would wake up some time in the sleep cycle and make love long into the night.
When they arrived in orbit around Yavin, Luke sat in the pilot's chair assuming the controls. He piloted the ship deftly through the thick trees and settled in a small clearing beside a small ruin.
"Don't tell me you intend to stay there?" Mara asked scathingly.
Luke gave her a secret smile and said, "You're going to have to trust me."
"I came this far with you haven't I?" Mara replied tartly.
Luke smiled at her and grabbed her hand to give it quick squeeze.
"Thank you." He said simply.
Mara opened her mouth as if she thought they were going to argue, and then reconsidered, "My, my, aren't we agreeable today, Skywalker."
He had finished the landing cycle and Luke unstrapped himself from the chair. He bent down to press a warm kiss on Mara's mouth. A breathless moment later, his nose brushing against Mara's, his blue eyes glowing he said "Why shouldn't I be? I have everything I want, no galactic emergency, a beautiful wife, plenty of time, and a warm bed just around the corner."
Mara blushed slightly.
Luke added, "And I finally got you to Yavin without an argument."
Mara pushed him slightly away playfully. "I knew you had an ulterior motive for suggesting our arrangement."
An odd look passed over Luke's features and Mara wished that she could have withdrawn her comment. Then he smiled, the tension gone.
They gathered some supplies and exited the vehicle. The moment they entered the place, Mara began to rethink her original assessment. The old stone was covered in a light wood, giving the place a new, warm atmosphere. It had a fully stocked kitchen, piles of chopped wood next to a primitive but beautiful fireplace, and candles everywhere. There was limited power, and running water, but no cooking unit. A large multi-colored quilt covered a comfortable sized bed in a side room. The retreat was cozy and incredibly intimate.
"You had this for yourself?" Mara asked curiously.
"I had some alternations made in hopes that we would come here." Luke said.
"Alterations?"
"Food, wood, furniture." Luke muttered.
"You mean, just about everything?" Mara laughed.
Luke shrugged.
The set their bags down inside the small bedroom. They reentered the main room where Luke began to make a fire.
She raised an eyebrow, "It's not that cold on Yavin."
Luke shrugged, "To cook dinner."
"There's a perfectly good cooking unit in the Fire."
"I know but this will be nicer, you'll see."
Luke was bent down beside the fireplace, and opened the flue. Mara shrugged, watching the play of his muscles through his tunic as he methodically placed wood into the fireplace. She leaned back on the couch in front of the fireplace deciding that there were certain perks to a more primitive environment.
He glanced at her questioningly.
Mara said impishly, "Just enjoying the view. Have I ever told you what a nice body you have?"
Luke smiled shyly and turned away to continue with the fire and replied, "No, I think this is the first time."
"An oversight, I'm sure." Mara was happy, she realized. They had established a rapport between them, and she had never felt closer to another being in her life. Thoughts of Callista were far away. Here in this place, there was just the two of them. "This was a good idea." She conceded.
Luke replaced the poker and joined her on the couch. Joy at her words radiated from him, and Mara basked in his presence.
They watched the flames slowly devour the logs. The silence was broken only by the crackling of the embers and the occasional shifting of the wood. They both seemed to have forgotten about food opting instead to relish this quiet moment together. Finally, Mara shifted to face Luke and asked the question that had been plaguing her for weeks, "Why did you leave for so long during our engagement?"
Luke replied defensively, "There were things I needed to finalize before we could get married. This place for one."
Mara nodded in concession of this fact, "Yes, I understand that you wanted to do some things, but six weeks with hardly a message."
Luke was about to argue, then nodded, "I know. I'm sorry Mara."
"We promised to be honest with each other. Why did you wait until two days before the wedding to return?"
Luke flushed and met her gaze, "I didn't set out to do that. I just got caught up. I arranged for a permanent leave of absence from the Academy."
"Why ever did you do that?" Mara asked incredulously.
"I knew you wouldn't want to stay there, and I didn't want to stay away from you."
Mara was overcome at what he had done, "Luke." Mara shifted closer, laying a hand on his arm, "I don't want you to do that. You belong at the Academy. I would never want you to give it up for me."
Luke opened his mouth to reply but Mara interrupted, "I know I always tried to avoid coming here, but the truth is I wasn't trying to avoid becoming a Jedi, I was avoiding you."
Luke's eyes grew wide and he said, "Avoiding me?"
Mara nodded, somewhat reluctantly, "I've always been attracted to you , and I was never comfortable with sharing that knowledge. I knew if I was working closely with you, using the Force, you would eventually find out."
"Why would you want to hide something like that?"
Mara gave him a scathing look, "Come on Skywalker. You don't really have to ask that question do you?"
Luke couldn't help the broad grin that spread across his face.
"I figured it wasn't much of a secret anymore." Mara added as an afterthought.
"I just wish I had known a long time ago. Why else do you think I was always encouraging you to complete your training. Partially, because I thought it was a good idea, but mostly because I wanted to see you."
Mara wanted to ask him about Callista, becoming more and more uncertain that he was still in love with his old girlfriend.
Luke saw her jaw tighten, sensed her struggle and he encouraged, "What is it? Tell me, please."
His open expression and faintly pleading look finally forced the words out of her mouth, "But what about Callista?"
The air seemed to suddenly still between them and Mara wouldn't have been surprised to learn that her heart stopped beating until Luke broke the silence.
"Callista?"
She could hear the bewilderment in his voice.
"You do remember her don't you?" Mara could not quite keep the contempt from her voice or her hurt from showing through the Force.
Luke's mouth straightened into a grim line, and he grabbed Mara's shoulders with an intensity that bordered on the painful. "Callista left me. She made her choice and I've moved on with my life. I'd rather that we both forgot about her."
Later, Luke would regret his outburst, but for the moment, he was filled with remembered pain at Callista's betrayal. He had been feeling so good just a moment before, and this unwanted reminder of his terrible luck at love filled him with doubt about his ability to resolve things with Mara.
He was also feeling slightly guilty that he had abandoned Mara for so long during the engagement and that he had ever even dated Callista in the first place. How was Luke to know that if he had just allowed Mara to know of his attraction for her, they might have gotten together years ago? His blunder with Callista might never had happened, but he knew that it was foolish to regret the past. They had both been different people back then, and he was here, now, with Mara as his wife. He couldn't complain too much.
Mara could feel Luke's pain, and all of her doubts resurfaced to life. She wanted him to tell her that Callista meant nothing to him, that he didn't still love her, but these words never came forth. Instead, a shadow crossed over his eyes, and when his grip became too painful, she gave a little yelp of surprise.
Luke released her instantly apologetic, but the damage had been done.
By Rhea Jediknight
Disclaimer: I'm not making any money from this work. Thanks go to George Lucas and Timothy Zahn for creating such wonderful characters.
This story is dedicated to Ash Darklighter for her friendship and infinite patience and to Veronica for her unflagging encouragement. Thank you!
*********
A special thanks go to Angel Tsuiraku *grin* , Aleese Sundancer, MaraJadeSkywalkerJedi, Falcon-Rider, animafan1988, star_rebel, Danni-2005, Lacy1, and Jadefox. Thanks for all the reviews and feedback!!
Part Eight
Mara took a slow, deep breath while Luke watched her guardedly. He wondered how she would respond to his admission that he loved her. He hardly dared to hope that she would tell him she shared his feelings, but he couldn't help but hold his breath as she struggled to form her response.
"You're right. I'm overreacting. It shouldn't affect our plan adversely." And then she continued in a small voice, "I just can't help but feel bad for the way you feel."
Her words struck him to the core, and he struggled to maintain his equilibrium. "I don't want your pity, Jade." The Jedi said scathingly.
Mara wanted to correct him, to tell him that she pitied herself, not him. She wouldn't say such a thing, however. Mara didn't want Luke to deny his feelings for Callista, just to spare her. She would be a lot more comfortable with the knowledge that whatever they shared was true, that they didn't exist in a world of half truths. Mara wanted to know where the Jedi stood, so that she did not read something into his actions or words that wasn't really there. She wanted to guard her heart against the possibility of loving him. Mara did not live in a dream world where everything worked out the way she would like, she wanted to be fully aware of her reality and her husband's heart.
"I don't want you to pretend to feel something that you don't. I want you to be honest with me." She studied him for a moment and then continued, "I care for you, and it hurts me to see you in pain."
Luke felt something within him loosen. Mara was giving him permission to express his love, even though she didn't share it. And she was admitting to having some feelings for him, even if they didn't go as deeply as he would have liked. Luke's expression softened, encouraged by her words. "I'll worry about my heart."
She froze, feeling that he was trying to warn her that his heart wasn't her concern, but his own. She managed to control her feelings, not allowing them to leak through to the Jedi Master.
He moved closer and pulled her into a hug, "We're going to be alright, you'll see. It doesn't matter if we don't share love, but I have faith that it won't prevent us from finding happiness. We have a lot of things going for us." Luke thought of Mara leaving him, realized that even if she didn't love him, he would want her in his life. Half of Mara was better than none of her. He would take whatever he could get and hope that in time he would have it all. He had to have hope.
*********
By the time the sun had crested over the Manarai mountains, Luke and Mara had already begun the journey to Yavin. The process of gathering their belongings, checking out of the hotel, and preparing the ship for departure had served to cover any lingering tension that remained from their recent discussion. The shipboard routines had forced them back into a well known pattern. It blunted their hurt, filling their minds with familiar and comfortable tasks.
By unspoken mutual consent they made no mention of the revelations they had shared, having no idea that instead of coming to an understanding they had only managed to further the confusion.
Once the Jade's Fire was in hyperspace, Luke and Mara lapsed into silence. It was not strained but it was far from comfortable. Desperately seeking a way to lighten the mood, Mara stood up and said "Come with me."
Luke followed her, some what hesitantly. She led him to the main cabin in the back, switching on the overhead lumina so the entire room was bathed in a soft white glow. A panoramic window dominated one wall, showing a magnificent view of the passing starlines. An oversized bed piled with plush nerf hide blankets was centered in the room. A door on the right lead off to the fresher. Their flight bags rested at the base of a small end table.
Luke watched as Mara took her bag and opened it. She had left her hair unbound and it hung to the cinched waist of her white flight suit. The white accented her creamy skin and made her hair seem all the more brilliant. The lightsaber that had been his father's swung from her belt. She was breathtakingly beautiful, and Luke experienced a familiar bittersweet pang as he gazed at her.
Mara pulled a shiny cloth bag from her luggage and smiled broadly at him. Luke returned her exuberant grin feeling his heart lighten at her joy.
"I realized I never gave you my wedding present." .
"I wasn't looking for anything, Mara. You agreed to marry me and that was present enough."
"I have a wedding present for you, so accept it."
"Yes, Ma'am."
She sat down on the edge of the bed and handed it to him. The bed shifted as he sat beside her, accepting the gift silently.
She watched as he started to work the ties free. He glanced up at her with a smile that was both eager and a little unsure. The brilliant blue of his eyes never failed to amaze her. He wore a charcoal gray tunic with matching pants and black boots that reflected the overhead lumina. His hair was still just the slightest bit damp around his ears from his shower that morning, appearing a dark blond against the somber tones of his outfit. Mara returned her attention to the gift, and immediately became transfixed by his deft fingers as they began to remove the contents of the bag.
He gave a short laugh as he withdrew a small medkit.
Mara began to explain, "I tried to think of something that you would need." She teased. "I made sure it had plenty of bacta patches and pain relievers."
"Something I would need, huh?" he asked as he set the kit aside. He could still feel something in the bag and reached inside to withdraw the other item. "So you're still planning on killing me?" he teased in return.
"If I was planning on killing you, I wouldn't buy you a medkit would I? Why undo my own handiwork?"
"Good point," he conceded.
Luke pulled out a rectangular box. When he lifted the lid, he saw an expensive wrist chrono. It was constructed of a non-reflective black metal. He pulled it out of the box to examine it closer. It was more of a computer than a chrono, and he saw it had a small port in its side that was identical to those used in small snub-nosed fighters.
"I made sure when I had this constructed that if something were to ever happen to the main drive on your X-wing, this unit could perform the processes that your astromech isn't designed to handle. It even has enough power to provide a surge that could restart a stalled engine. Although, I wouldn't count on it working more than once." Mara shrugged, "I figured I caught you sitting dead in space once. I don't want to think it might ever happen again. The small power cell is solar powered. It should recharge whenever you're planet side."
"Mara, it's amazing." Luke managed past the constriction in his throat. It was an incredibly useful and thoughtful gift. He was fascinated by its design and looked forward to examining it further at a later date. He flipped it over and saw that there was an engraving on the back. He brought it closer to read, 'May the Force always be with you Luke - Mara'
He felt tears build behind his eyes and he closed his fingers around the chrono into a fist. Without thought, he pulled Mara to him and hugged her. He was overwhelmed with emotion, his Force senses swelling toward Mara. Mara's own sense joined him for a moment, to sway with him. Luke continued to clutch her tightly against him, his free arm wrapped around her. His fingers tangled in her hair, and he squeezed his eyes shut
She withdrew through the Force, and he pulled free, wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Mara was both pleased and embarrassed by his emotional outburst. Luke rose from the bed and said, "I have something for you too."
He pulled a box out of his bag and presented it to her. She pulled out a piece of flimsy. Mara gave him a curious glance.
"I kept thinking about what you said, not having any family, not even knowing who your parents were. I had hoped that I could track them down for you. I hope you don't mind but I took a DNA sample from a strand of your hair and had the Coruscant census computers track down your heritage. Unfortunately, I could only find mention of your mother and she's no longer alive. That's her biography. It's sketchy at best. Records from that period were often incomplete."
"The galaxy was in chaos - it's not surprising." She absently twined her finger around her hair, wondering why she had never thought to do the same on her own. Mara glanced again with renewed interest. She read the name, "Margura Jayde." She said out loud. "Whoever my father was, she must not have ever taken his name."
"Speaking of which, what do you want to do?"
Mara shrugged, "I don't mind being a Skywalker."
Luke gave her a winning smile that melted her heart. "Thank you."
He gestured to the box, "There's more."
Mara set the flimsy aside to read through it later. She pulled a green glimmer stone locket hanging from a gold chain. She compared it to the ring and saw that it matched, the stones were identical in shade.
"I bought them as a set. After we had the discussion that night at the Outer Quadrant restaurant, I had hoped . . . Well, anyway, the color reminded me of your eyes."
Mara was touched. He had bought this even before he knew that she would marry him. She had wondered about the ring, but had decided that it must have been a family heirloom. She had no idea that he had actually purchased it just for her. It made the ring seem even more special. Forget Callista, she told herself. This was for her. Mara Jade. Mara swallowed. Mara Jade Skywalker and she had married him.
Luke leaned forward, his arm brushing across her chest as he helped her to put it on. He glanced up, his face inches from her own and then showed her a small latch. A metal panel swung on a hinge to project a blank holoprompt. "It has a small holo player inside. You can store up to ten images. I figured I would leave the choice of images up to you."
Luke was immensely pleased at Mara's reaction to the gifts. He had tried to get her something that would make her happy. She continued to gaze wonderingly at the amulet, and the idea that the piece of jewelry affected her, gave him hope.
The extremely thoughtful and personal nature of Mara's gifts to him touched Luke deeply. It made him wonder why she seemed so closed off from him. She seemed to be shying away from him, trying to conceal how she felt. Mara had always valued her privacy highly, but it didn't explain the way she seemed to be actively blocking him out.
The closer he got to Mara, the tighter her shields became, and this more than anything began to cause his mind to race. Luke had little trouble recalling the numerous looks and gestures they had exchanged when they were alone that could not be for the benefit of an audience.
He had relieved these experiences when he lay awake at night, cherishing each memory. There was the time she had told him that any woman would marry him, the way she had rubbed his back while they were talking to Leia on the com unit, the numerous looks, and loving way she had touched him on more than one occasion, and the absolutely wonderful way she had trusted him utterly with her body when they had made love.
Mara had admitted to having the wrist chrono fashioned specifically for him, and had even made a point in accepting his Jedi heritage with the engraving "May the Force be with you." Although it wasn't exactly a declaration of undying love, he knew she was striving to show that she embraced that part of him. He knew that this was the first step toward Mara excepting her own Jedi heritage, and although it would not be easy, he was immensely proud of her.
But whether she realized it or not, he was convinced that Mara Jade .. . . Skywalker, felt deeply for him. Luke was almost certain that she was in fact in love with him, but for some reason, Mara was actively denying her feelings. She either feared to be in love, felt unworthy of being the object of his love, or was oblivious to the true depths of her emotions for him.
Mara saw that Skywalker's gaze had lost focus and seemed to be communing on some other level. He was either lost deeply in thought, receiving some sort of Force vision, or both.
"Luke? What is it?" Mara asked, "What's wrong?"
Luke focused his gaze on Mara and the look he gave her caused her stomach to flutter.
He would have to show her that their love was nothing to fear, that he loved her desperately and would never leave her. He would allow her time to accustom herself to the knowledge that she shared this powerful emotion. Every time he verbalized his feeling, bringing them overtly to her notice she shied away.
He would have to tread carefully. But the incredible joy that engulfed him, thrilling him could not contain. Luke burned to tell her again how much he loved her, but he knew that it would be a mistake. Instead of giving her joy, his words would only cause Mara to retreat again. They had just recovered most of the territory they had lost from his last declaration. He had no desire to repeat that blunder. He would just have to show her, instead.
"Everything's wonderful." He took her face in both of his hands and kissed her softly. His Force sense wrapped her in warmth. He had proven to her that they shared passion, now he would show her that they shared love as well.
The Jedi's kiss stunned her. Mara grew lightheaded and swayed against him. Luke wrapped his arms around her, lending her support. His warm, clean scent made her senses spiral. She wouldn't be surprised to learn that the ship's artificial gravity had failed, she felt so light. Mara ached for Skywalker, but it wasn't a purely physical need. She wanted more of him, to be with him, to share everything with him.
Their lips caressed lightly, tenderly. Luke's hands roamed soothingly along her back. And when he pulled back, Mara gazed at him in astonishment. Luke smiled tenderly at her, and she wanted him inside of her, not just because she was filled with desire, but because he completed her.
Luke felt his entire body tighten with need at her expression. He could sense her desire mingled with surprise. That his kiss could astonish her after everything they had shared was a good sign. Mara couldn't be amazed by their mutual desire, not after last night. If it wasn't the way she felt physically that was causing her reaction, then it must be the way she felt emotionally.
He wondered if he should give her some space to prove to her that his kiss was not just a prelude to his physical need for her. He should get up and move away from the bed. They had so much that they needed to discuss. But when Mara closed the distance between them again, claiming his mouth, Luke knew that he would not be able to resist her.
They kissed. They caressed. They touched each other every where. And when the need became excruciating, they joined their bodies. They moved together, Luke plunging into her, his weight on his arms, his hips grinding into Mara's. She gasped, clutching him to her, urging him to dive even more deeply. Luke kissed her passionately, so sweetly that Mara pressed her mouth against his shoulder, muffling a sob.
They made love slowly, tenderly, taking their time exploring the length of their bodies, watching the play of emotions on their faces as they moved in the exquisite rhythm of desire. There was an added intensity to their lovemaking that stirred them acutely.
Mara pushed Luke onto his back, to straddle him. She felt something within her ache for him, something beyond her body's desire. She wanted him badly, and Luke was eager to give in to her needs. She rocked against him, causing wave after wave of pleasure to ripple through them. Luke watched her through heavy lidded eyes, the very sight of her made it difficult for him to maintain control. He cupped her breasts and drew one into his mouth.
Mara threw her head back, rocking against him, crying out. Luke shifted his hands to her hips, continuing to suck deeply. He bucked up into her, pulsing deeply within her. They cried out in unison as they shattered against each other, shuddering convulsively. Mara collapsed on to Luke's chest, her hair falling into his face. Luke clutched her against him, holding her in place, trying to keep her with him for as long as possible.
He felt something damp against his shoulder and he could feel something tingle through the Force. Luke shifted her to the side, pushing her hair away from her face. There were damp trails streaking down her face. The sight caused both a pain and a ray of hope to streak through him.
"Hey." He said softly, using the pad of one finger to brush the tears away.
Mara shook her head, as if to deny that she was crying and then seemed to realize the futility of the gesture.
With the back of one hand she wiped furiously at the betraying moisture and said, "I don't know what's come over me."
But Luke had a pretty good idea. He would be surprised if she didn't realize at that moment that she loved him, but were they tears of joy or of some darker emotion?
He wanted her to recognize her emotions, to no longer deny them so that they could freely express their love, so he asked, "Do you think that there's a reason for your tears? I think if you search within yourself you'll find the answer."
Mara's eyes grew wide. Did he know that she was in love with him? She felt a ripple of shock course through her. Since when did she fall in love with this Jedi? But she knew the answer. The very first moment she laid eyes on him.
But why if he didn't love her would he want her to acknowledge this? She had to have misunderstood. He wasn't talking about love, he was talking about a child. Was she acting emotionally because she was pregnant?
She tried to sense within herself but could not detect a glimmer of new life. Perhaps it was too soon to sense a baby within her, but not too soon for her body to start to change. The idea that her tears were the result of hormones and not the realization that she was in love with a man whose heart belonged to another, was an appealing notion.
She replied, "It seems unlikely, but I guess its possible that I'm already with child."
Her words arrested his heart for a moment, startled by her train of thought. Could she be pregnant? He was momentarily speechless, and filled with a hopeful yearning. The idea of Mara carrying his child was like a dream come true. He hardly dared to hope.
Luke tried to sense the presence of another life, but did not detect anything through Mara's brilliant light in the Force. If it were true, the fetus would be no more than a day old, little more than a few cells. He doubted that even a Jedi Master could detects an infant so early.
But it was possible that Mara would begin to experience some slight changes. He remembered that Leia seemed to know when she was carrying her children fairly early in their development. As much as he'd like a child with Mara, he was a little disappointed that her emotional display might not be proof of her love for him. Luke smiled hesitantly and said, "I thought you said it was unlikely."
Did he sound disappointed? "But not impossible." Mara replied. Now that he was faced with the possibility of fathering a child, was he beginning to regret their arrangement?
He must have detected Mara's distress because he asked quickly, "What's wrong? You're not unhappy with the idea?"
Mara shook her head immediately, "No, it's just that you sounded disappointed."
Luke smiled widely, "Of having a child with you? Not at all. How could I ever be disappointed in a baby that we created together? It's just that I realized that I kind of like the idea of us having some time as a couple before we have a family."
Mara gave him a strange look and then asked hesitatingly, "You do?"
Luke didn't understand the reason for her look and for the first time, wondered if she still believed that he was only interested in marrying her so that they could have children together. Hadn't she understood that he was in love with her?
He had already tried everything short of saying the words "I love you", and verbalizing his emotions had already proven disastrous. Perhaps he was trying too hard, expecting too much in too short of time. Their marriage had been little more than a business arrangement, and it was only the dawn of the first day of their honeymoon. It was unrealistic for him to expect that Mara's views would shift so quickly. Luke looked deeply within himself, seeing that his feelings were firmly rooted, having grown for a very long time. It had taken him years to realize how much he loved Mara, he couldn't expect that she would come to the same realization at the exact moment that he did.
He had time. Luke had decided their time alone during their honeymoon would be the ideal opportunity to prove their love. Although it was trying for him even after all these years of striving, he could be a patient man.
If necessary, they had the rest of their lives together Surely, in that time, he would hear her say the words his heart so longed to hear.
********
The rest of the journey to Yavin was a time where they adjusted to the quirks of living together. Luke learned quickly not to wake Mara too early in the morning. Mara grew tolerant of Luke's casual nudges to expand her Force skills and took his lapses into the didactic Master role in stride
She was surprised to find that she was not resentful at his determination to teach her things, and was actually rather touched by his eagerness to share his knowledge. This tendency allowed Mara to display some Force abilities Luke had never considered and he adjusted with surprising willingness to student mode. He was not arrogant about his skill in the Force, and she grew aware of all the little things she loved about her new husband.
They would often times exercise in the mornings, eat late lunches, and play holochess late in to the evening until they were both exhausted and fell asleep quickly in each others arms. They would wake up some time in the sleep cycle and make love long into the night.
When they arrived in orbit around Yavin, Luke sat in the pilot's chair assuming the controls. He piloted the ship deftly through the thick trees and settled in a small clearing beside a small ruin.
"Don't tell me you intend to stay there?" Mara asked scathingly.
Luke gave her a secret smile and said, "You're going to have to trust me."
"I came this far with you haven't I?" Mara replied tartly.
Luke smiled at her and grabbed her hand to give it quick squeeze.
"Thank you." He said simply.
Mara opened her mouth as if she thought they were going to argue, and then reconsidered, "My, my, aren't we agreeable today, Skywalker."
He had finished the landing cycle and Luke unstrapped himself from the chair. He bent down to press a warm kiss on Mara's mouth. A breathless moment later, his nose brushing against Mara's, his blue eyes glowing he said "Why shouldn't I be? I have everything I want, no galactic emergency, a beautiful wife, plenty of time, and a warm bed just around the corner."
Mara blushed slightly.
Luke added, "And I finally got you to Yavin without an argument."
Mara pushed him slightly away playfully. "I knew you had an ulterior motive for suggesting our arrangement."
An odd look passed over Luke's features and Mara wished that she could have withdrawn her comment. Then he smiled, the tension gone.
They gathered some supplies and exited the vehicle. The moment they entered the place, Mara began to rethink her original assessment. The old stone was covered in a light wood, giving the place a new, warm atmosphere. It had a fully stocked kitchen, piles of chopped wood next to a primitive but beautiful fireplace, and candles everywhere. There was limited power, and running water, but no cooking unit. A large multi-colored quilt covered a comfortable sized bed in a side room. The retreat was cozy and incredibly intimate.
"You had this for yourself?" Mara asked curiously.
"I had some alternations made in hopes that we would come here." Luke said.
"Alterations?"
"Food, wood, furniture." Luke muttered.
"You mean, just about everything?" Mara laughed.
Luke shrugged.
The set their bags down inside the small bedroom. They reentered the main room where Luke began to make a fire.
She raised an eyebrow, "It's not that cold on Yavin."
Luke shrugged, "To cook dinner."
"There's a perfectly good cooking unit in the Fire."
"I know but this will be nicer, you'll see."
Luke was bent down beside the fireplace, and opened the flue. Mara shrugged, watching the play of his muscles through his tunic as he methodically placed wood into the fireplace. She leaned back on the couch in front of the fireplace deciding that there were certain perks to a more primitive environment.
He glanced at her questioningly.
Mara said impishly, "Just enjoying the view. Have I ever told you what a nice body you have?"
Luke smiled shyly and turned away to continue with the fire and replied, "No, I think this is the first time."
"An oversight, I'm sure." Mara was happy, she realized. They had established a rapport between them, and she had never felt closer to another being in her life. Thoughts of Callista were far away. Here in this place, there was just the two of them. "This was a good idea." She conceded.
Luke replaced the poker and joined her on the couch. Joy at her words radiated from him, and Mara basked in his presence.
They watched the flames slowly devour the logs. The silence was broken only by the crackling of the embers and the occasional shifting of the wood. They both seemed to have forgotten about food opting instead to relish this quiet moment together. Finally, Mara shifted to face Luke and asked the question that had been plaguing her for weeks, "Why did you leave for so long during our engagement?"
Luke replied defensively, "There were things I needed to finalize before we could get married. This place for one."
Mara nodded in concession of this fact, "Yes, I understand that you wanted to do some things, but six weeks with hardly a message."
Luke was about to argue, then nodded, "I know. I'm sorry Mara."
"We promised to be honest with each other. Why did you wait until two days before the wedding to return?"
Luke flushed and met her gaze, "I didn't set out to do that. I just got caught up. I arranged for a permanent leave of absence from the Academy."
"Why ever did you do that?" Mara asked incredulously.
"I knew you wouldn't want to stay there, and I didn't want to stay away from you."
Mara was overcome at what he had done, "Luke." Mara shifted closer, laying a hand on his arm, "I don't want you to do that. You belong at the Academy. I would never want you to give it up for me."
Luke opened his mouth to reply but Mara interrupted, "I know I always tried to avoid coming here, but the truth is I wasn't trying to avoid becoming a Jedi, I was avoiding you."
Luke's eyes grew wide and he said, "Avoiding me?"
Mara nodded, somewhat reluctantly, "I've always been attracted to you , and I was never comfortable with sharing that knowledge. I knew if I was working closely with you, using the Force, you would eventually find out."
"Why would you want to hide something like that?"
Mara gave him a scathing look, "Come on Skywalker. You don't really have to ask that question do you?"
Luke couldn't help the broad grin that spread across his face.
"I figured it wasn't much of a secret anymore." Mara added as an afterthought.
"I just wish I had known a long time ago. Why else do you think I was always encouraging you to complete your training. Partially, because I thought it was a good idea, but mostly because I wanted to see you."
Mara wanted to ask him about Callista, becoming more and more uncertain that he was still in love with his old girlfriend.
Luke saw her jaw tighten, sensed her struggle and he encouraged, "What is it? Tell me, please."
His open expression and faintly pleading look finally forced the words out of her mouth, "But what about Callista?"
The air seemed to suddenly still between them and Mara wouldn't have been surprised to learn that her heart stopped beating until Luke broke the silence.
"Callista?"
She could hear the bewilderment in his voice.
"You do remember her don't you?" Mara could not quite keep the contempt from her voice or her hurt from showing through the Force.
Luke's mouth straightened into a grim line, and he grabbed Mara's shoulders with an intensity that bordered on the painful. "Callista left me. She made her choice and I've moved on with my life. I'd rather that we both forgot about her."
Later, Luke would regret his outburst, but for the moment, he was filled with remembered pain at Callista's betrayal. He had been feeling so good just a moment before, and this unwanted reminder of his terrible luck at love filled him with doubt about his ability to resolve things with Mara.
He was also feeling slightly guilty that he had abandoned Mara for so long during the engagement and that he had ever even dated Callista in the first place. How was Luke to know that if he had just allowed Mara to know of his attraction for her, they might have gotten together years ago? His blunder with Callista might never had happened, but he knew that it was foolish to regret the past. They had both been different people back then, and he was here, now, with Mara as his wife. He couldn't complain too much.
Mara could feel Luke's pain, and all of her doubts resurfaced to life. She wanted him to tell her that Callista meant nothing to him, that he didn't still love her, but these words never came forth. Instead, a shadow crossed over his eyes, and when his grip became too painful, she gave a little yelp of surprise.
Luke released her instantly apologetic, but the damage had been done.