Part 8.
This song is Piece of My Heart by Janis Joplin
Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man
Didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can?
Honey, you know I did!
Vaughn felt his knees start to buckle as his world collapsed around him. "W-what?" he stuttered.
Sydney looked at him, one hand still cradling her head, the tears running freely down her face. Her eyes expressed the truth that Vaughn refused to believe.
They stood staring at one another for a moment or eternity until Irina interrupted them when she came barging through the open door, her rifle readied. She stopped short as she saw her daughter being held in Vaughn's arms, her mind not picking up on the grief in the room. She was too relieved to see Sydney alive. "Sydney!" she exclaimed with relief and happiness.
Sydney was numb to the shock of seeing her mother in front of her, but the comfort of her waiting arms was too much of a temptation to resist.
"Mom?" Sydney cried in disbelief. She launched herself away from the man who was shattering her heart with his very existence and opened her arms to her mother. She didn't make it more than a step before her legs collapsed underneath her, but Irina wasted no time in going towards her and grasping her in her arms.
"Yes, Sydney, it's me. You're safe. We're taking you out of here, sweetie I promise." Irina grasped her tightly to her chest. Sydney started to sob and Irina looked quizzically at Vaughn. Her confusion increased when she saw him looking back at Sydney with a look of terror on his face.
Irina turned back to Sydney. "What's wrong honey? You're free, you can leave here. You will never have to see Sloane again. I promise!" Sydney sobbed harder, her voice muffled and unclear. Irina moved her head closer to Sydney's mouth so that she could hear her.
Vaughn saw Irina's face pale as she listened to Sydney's words, but he couldn't say anything. All he could think about was Sydney's words… Sloane took her. He took her. She's gone. He took our Dawn…He took our daughter. He felt cold all over, like someone had ripped his heart out and it was no longer able to circulate blood around his body. In some part of his brain he knew that he had to push this aside, deal with it later. They still had to get out of here. He took our daughter…
Irina glanced at Vaughn and shook her head sadly. He was standing there, his arms dangling loosely at his side, his rifle slung over his shoulder and his face still registering shock. He was useless to her right now so she turned to her radio. "Scratcher this is Anastasia. We have Mountaineer. Are you ready?"
Will's voice came over the radio a little shaky. "Roger Anastasia. I will be at Point Bravo in five minutes."
Irina lifted Sydney into her arms and stood up. It was obvious to her that Sydney would not be able to get herself out of here. "Vaughn!" her voice hard and brittle managed to focus his attention. She knew that if he didn't move on from his shock they would all be trapped. So she did the only thing she could do. She looked at him coldly. "Are you just going to stand there, or do you want to move us out of here so that one day we can actually try to find my granddaughter?"
Vaughn shut his jaw firmly, his eyes turning cold and hard as he looked at Irina.
If Irina had ever wanted to see what the death of innocence looked like, all she had to do was look at Vaughn's face. She nodded to indicate for him to take point and he complied by bringing his rifle to the ready position. For a brief, wild moment she thought he would shoot her, even as she held her daughter but after searing her soul with his eyes he turned towards the door. After looking up and down the hall outside the cell he motioned for them to follow.
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough,
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough.
They made their way down a series of hallways. They arrived at an intersection and Vaughn raised his right hand up to indicate that she should stop, so Irina crouched down holding Sydney close to her chest. She heard a scuffle as a guard approached but Vaughn wasted no time in gutting him with his bayonet and following it up by smashing the butt of his rifle on the bridge of his nose. The guard never got a chance to call out because with one fluid movement, Vaughn grabbed the knife from his webbing and quickly slit the man's throat.
Irina was a little taken aback by the excessive violence but Vaughn didn't even seem to notice it. He looked down the intersecting hallway and motioned for them to follow. He merely stepped over the pool of blood and continued on point.
I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby!
Oh, oh, break it!
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They arrived at the small apartment that Marco had set up for them in Rome. It had been an exhausting trip. A drive that should have taken them sixteen hours took almost twenty-four. They didn't have to worry about being followed; they had killed everyone at the military compound. Well, everyone except Sark. But they'd had to cross the borders where they were not being watched and more often than not that involved going cross-country. Sydney had kept her face buried in her mother's lap; unable or unwilling to look at a world bathed in sunlight while Vaughn and Will had alternated driving. There hadn't been much talking during the trip; just some terse comments from Irina bringing Will up to speed and some hysteria from Will as he related his encounter with Sark. Vaughn had been silent throughout the journey; absorbed in his own private hell.
Will carried Sydney inside; she had fallen into a deep sleep since they had crossed the Italian border. Vaughn came in carrying two packs and some supplies that they had picked up on the way and Irina came in carrying the remaining pack and supplies.
Will laid Sydney down on the couch and she stirred. Will collapsed next to her and started taking off his boots. After Vaughn and Irina dropped off their supplies in the kitchen they also returned to the living room.
Irina looked over her daughter. "We will need to get a doctor to come see you."
"I'm fine." Sydney said groggily, trying to shake the sleep off.
Irina put her hands on her hips and looked at her daughter. "No, you're not Sydney. How could you possibly be fine?"
"What can be healed has been." Sydney said plainly. "Sark had a doctor come and see me after…after she was born." Sydney turned away from the sharp eyes of her mother but she felt someone put a hand on her shoulder. She looked up into Vaughn's face. It was the first contact she'd had with him since they left the compound.
He gently squeezed her shoulder. His eyes mirrored the pain in hers but he tried to give her a supportive smile. He turned to Irina, his voice allowing no argument. "Let her be for now."
Irina glared at him for a moment before turning away.
"Sark helped us find you as well," he said quietly to Sydney.
Sydney's forehead wrinkled in confusion. She looked back to her mother, her face exhausted. "Mom?"
Irina reluctantly turned back around. "Yes?"
Sydney looked like she was trying to focus her thoughts for a moment. "How does Sark fit into all this?"
Irina looked at the battered form of her daughter and heard the echo of this question from all the previous times it had been asked. She saw a woman on the verge of being consumed by emptiness and she didn't know if she dared to answer her question. But when she looked at Sydney more closely, she also saw a glimmer of the person she used to be. She knew it was a gamble. But perhaps she could at least give her daughter the answers she needed.
"Sark is Rambaldi's grandchild." Irina said plainly.
Vaughn snorted in disbelief and Sydney responded quickly, almost without thinking. "Rambaldi didn't have any heirs."
Irina smirked. "No he didn't. He had a daughter instead."
There was silence for a moment. "Whoa. Just a moment. You're serious?" Vaughn asked astounded and Irina nodded.
"I think you'd better start at the beginning." Sydney said, trying to sit up straighter.
Irina saw the fire just beneath her daughter's eyes and mistook it for her daughter's spirit returning. She knew that there were other things that they should be discussing but in an attempt to fuel her daughter's fire, Irina continued. "First Sydney, you need to understand that everything I did, everything that has happened in the last thirty years, started because I loved you so much."
Sydney's face changed to confusion and horror as she looked back to Vaughn and then her mother.
Irina saw the look and quickly tried to resolve the misunderstanding. "No Sydney I didn't kill Vaughn's father. You have to believe me. He's the one I didn't kill." She pleaded with her daughter.
Irina stood up and started to pace. She rubbed her face with her hand before attempting to continue. She saw that three pairs of eyes were following her intently but that the look on her daughter's face was not assured. "I know this won't make everything better Sydney. I accept that. I just want you to understand that I love you."
Sydney continued to look at her mother with a guarded look and Irina knew that she had to continue. Perhaps her honesty now was her only chance for redemption. "I was young and foolish back then. I thought I was doing my patriotic duty." She laughed quietly at herself. "The fact that I deceived you father, that I stole his secrets and passed them back to my superiors. This is all true. I was in every way a model KGB agent."
Irina paused a moment. "I was, until I fell in love with him. Don't think that I had some kind of epiphany or anything because I didn't. Not right away. I didn't accept my feelings, I tried to ignore them, I fought them. For a long while I still continued with my work. Then you were born."
Irina stopped. She looked at Sydney and saw the pain of childbirth echoed in her face. She didn't dare to hope for understanding just yet, but maybe she dared to believe that it could be possible one day. "Then slowly I started to hate my work. I would avoid my contacts, make excuses why I couldn't meet with them. They started to suspect me and I think I just didn't care. Suddenly I wanted a normal life. One day, I think you were about two, I received a list of instructions. The KGB was getting involved in some new intel and they wanted the CIA team that was also working in this area eliminated. I found out later that this 'new intel' of course was Rambaldi's works."
Irina shook her head. "I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. I knew that if I did, that I would be past the point of no return, I would never be able to defect to the US. And maybe perhaps my superiors knew this as well. I don't know."
"The day after I received my instructions I packed you up in your car seat and drove to a pick up. I was handed a plastic tube with documents in it that I was supposed to deliver to another party. As I was leaving my meet, I noticed that I was being tailed. I pulled off on a side street and this man got out of the car. He held out his badge. He was CIA. He was your father." She nodded to Vaughn. "He said that he had a few questions for me about the man I just met."
"I remembered your father's name from the instructions I had been given the day before. I realized that this was my chance. Maybe the only chance that I was going to get. So I told your father who I was meeting and why. I told him who I was and what my orders were. I begged him to get me out of this life."
"Unfortunately he didn't believe me, and I couldn't really blame him. So I went back to my car and grabbed the documents that I had picked up and I gave them to your father. I had no idea what they were. He took them and said that he would contact me in a few days."
"The rest I told Mr. Vaughn and Mr Tippin a few days ago but basically the documents that I handed Vaughn's father talked about a weapon and had a picture of Vaughn's father in them. They talked about how a code within his body was necessary to activate The Flute. William killed himself to prevent that from ever happening. Before he died he made me promise to track down the people that wanted this manuscript and stop them from ever assembling this weapon. I promised him I would."
"I had to destroy William's body so that his DNA could not be recovered. I…I might have been tempted not keep my promise to him, but I was discovered leaving the burning warehouse by the man who I was supposed to have handed the manuscript over to. It turns out I knew him and he knew me. And suddenly he knew really who I was. He knew Jack and he knew about you Sydney. It was Arvin Sloane. Arvin Sloane was working with KGB to solve Rambaldi's puzzles."
"I'm sure that you can understand the problems that this created. I had no choice but to make it look like I had carried out my orders in killing the CIA agents. Arvin had no idea what was in that manuscript so I told him that William Vaughn had confiscated it from me when he pulled me over on the day of the pick up. I just told him that I was completing my orders given to me by my superiors. Then over the next few weeks I did. I had to remain KGB. Sloane would have had no compunction in telling my superiors about any deviations I made from my orders and he could just as easily have turned me in to the FBI. He had me exactly where he wanted me. Any hope that I had for a normal life was crushed. All I could do was keep my promise to Michael's father and see Sloane rot in hell one day."
Vaughn turned his face away from Irina. He had on some level known that she had carried out the rest of her orders and though she may not have killed his father, she had still killed eleven other CIA agents. She had killed eleven other fathers.
Sydney was forced to consider the implications of her words. "Go on." she demanded from her mother.
"As far as Sloane goes there's not much more to say. He was obsessed with Rambaldi's work and had every intention of assembling all his inventions. After I returned to Russia, it was some years before I was able to pursue him. I did realize however that in order to stop Sloane I had to acquire as much of Rambaldi's works as I could."
"I'd like to say that I was unaffected by my pursuit, but I wasn't. There is great power in Rambaldi's work." Irina's voice trailed off.
"And Sark?" Vaughn asked, impatiently.
Irina glared at him for a moment. "Eventually I discovered that Rambaldi did indeed have a daughter with a mistress of his, but because by then he had become the Pope's architect he thought it wise to keep her a secret. I suspect he had no desire to see her become a pawn in a political marriage, so he hid her away. The information that I had found indicated that she would have Rambaldi's greatest prize with her. So I went after her."
"Well, to make a long story short, I traced her down to a small island north of England. I went there fully expecting to find some remains in a grave somewhere but instead when I got to the small village and found out that she was living on a farm!"
A far away look came onto Irina's face as she remembered. "I went to the farmhouse and knocked on the door and this old, old woman opened it. She looked to be over ninety but I later found out that I had underestimated by a couple of centuries."
"Anyway, she opened the door, took one look at me and started screaming. In retrospect now that I've learned about the prophecy with Sydney's likeness in it, I guess it makes more sense. That old woman was Rambaldi's mistress. She must have seen his work."
Irina shrugged. She sat down on a chair beside the couch to finish her story. "Well, the daughter came rushing to the door when she heard her mother scream and I explained to her who I was. I asked her for any information that she might have had about this prize that her father wrote about but she started screaming too. I got nothing of any use out of them. However, when I searched their house I found Sark locked in the attic."
"They just let you search their house?" Will interjected.
Irina turned her tired gaze towards Will. "I wouldn't say that they had much say in the matter."
Will nodded in understanding and then decided to push his luck. It was not often that he got a straight answer from this woman. "So do we get to know his first name now or is it some big family secret?"
Irina raised her eyebrow. "Mr. Tippin, that statement is not as stupid as it sounds."
Will tried to digest her answer but he just came away feeling like he had been insulted. He slumped in a nearby chair allowing Irina to continue.
"Actually Sark has no name. You have to understand that these two women were born five hundred years ago. Back then and even in some places today, a person's name is considered a sacred thing. Many different cultures believe that a person's soul is revealed through their name and believe me, the irony is not lost on me."
"Well as it turns out Rambaldi made a few more prophecies including ones about his future heir – his greatest prize. I don't know what was in this prophecy; Sark never spoke of it to me. All that I could gather is that they scared his mother and grandmother so much that they thought that if they didn't name him, he would never really exist."
"Talk about your ostrich avoidance plan," murmured Will from his corner.
"Why didn't they just kill him when he was born then?" asked Vaughn.
Irina shrugged her shoulders. "I do not know. I freed Sark and we talked. We decided that we could be mutually beneficial to each other. I introduced Sark to Khasinau and this greatly increased my standing with him. That's part of the reason I was able to form my own organization. I assume that my associates just got tired of referring to Sark as 'Hey You' so they named him Sark after the island where he was from. The name just stuck."
Sydney shivered. "Creepy."
"Does that answer your question?"
Sydney nodded, unable to muster the look of shock that her mother's revelations deserved. She was too drained.
"Good," said Irina standing back up. "Then we've talked enough for now. You need to get cleaned up and rested before we decided what to do next. Come on."
Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night,
Babe, I cry all the time!
Irina brought Sydney into the shared washroom in their apartment. Thankfully it was big and spacious. Sydney took her arm off of her mom's shoulder and slowly walked to the mirror. She was shocked at the apparition that stared back at her. Her hair was all tangled and matted; her face was covered in scratches and dirt. She put her hand up to her face to make sure it was her own that was looking back at her.
"Do you want me to leave you here by yourself Sydney or do you want a hand?" Irina asked her gently.
Sydney shook her head. "No, stay."
Irina was a little relieved. She turned to the tub and started running the water. Rummaging around the cabinets she found some shampoo and poured it into the bath to make some bubbles. When the tub was sufficiently full she turned to her daughter. Sydney was staring at her.
"I'm sorry." Irina told her daughter honestly.
Sydney nodded silently. "Mom—there's so too much to say. My mind can't even process all the things that you have told us tonight."
"I know. And I don't expect anything from you. I just want to help you now."
Sydney nodded again in acceptance.
Irina smiled tentatively at her daughter as she helped Sydney undress and led her to her waiting bath. She watched Sydney sink into the suds her eyes closed in relief.
"Relax, in the bath for a moment Sydney. I will be right back." Irina let herself out of the bathroom and found Will and Vaughn in the small kitchenette.
"Tippin, I need you to go into town, find a market or store or something and buy Sydney some new clothes. Actually while you are at it, you should buy us all some new clothes." Irina dug in her pocket for a wad of cash and handed it to Will.
"But, I don't speak Italian!" Will exclaimed, exhausted and not at all eager to venture back out into the roads. Irina fixed him with a glare and it didn't take long for Will to pull his boots back on and walk out the door.
Vaughn turned to Irina reluctantly. "How is she?"
Irina shrugged. "I don't know yet. Why don't you go clean yourself up? I think there's a small bathroom attached to the main bedroom. I will let you know when I know more."
And each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain,
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again.
Irina opened the door to the washroom and her heart lept into her throat when she saw Sydney with her head under the water. Sydney came back up for air and tried to lather her hair with the suds. Her hair was so matted though that she pulled out a chunk in frustration.
Irina went and sat on the edge of the tub and helped her wash her hair. She even managed to find a bottle of conditioner under the sink, which she applied copiously to Sydney's hair. Sydney allowed her mother to tend to her as she closed her eyes.
After she was finished she motioned for Sydney to stand up and she held a big white towel up for her. Irina then motioned for Sydney to sit on the edge of the tub while she stood behind her and tried to gently comb her hair out.
As Irina was combing out the tangles in her hair, Sydney spoke. "Mom, what are you doing here?"
Irina paused a moment, her heart sinking. "Agent Vaughn brought me along to help get you out of there."
"Yes but…But...where's Dad? Why isn't he here?"
Irina let the silence fill the room as she wondered how to answer her daughter. They hadn't decided to avoid the topic but she wondered how much pain her daughter really could bear.
Sydney turned around to face her mother. "What is it?"
Irina put down the hairbrush and stepped back. "I'm so sorry Sydney." Irina paused, unwilling to deliver the bad news. She saw Sydney's face pale as she pushed herself away.
"What do you mean you're sorry? Where's Dad?"
Irina closed her eyes at the accusations in her daughter's face but she stayed silent.
"No, no, no." Sydney tried to back away from her mother. "That's not possible. Dad's ok right?"
Irina opened her eyes and shook her head sadly. "I'm so sorry Sydney. He died a few months after you were captured."
Sydney sunk back down onto the edge of the tub. Irina tried to put a comforting hand on her shoulder but Sydney angrily brushed it away and stood up. The anger making red spots appear on her pale cheeks. "When were you guys going to tell me? We spent the last day in a car not talking about anything and the last half an hour talking about Sark! Didn't anyone think it would be a good idea to tell me?!"
Irina let Sydney yell at her until she tired of it. Drained, Sydney sat back down on the edge of the tub and put her head in her hands. Irina saw her sobbing and leaned down to hug her. This time Sydney allowed the embrace and sobbed openly in her mother's arms.
I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it!
Take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby.
Oh, oh, break it!
Irina sat on the edge of the tub and held her daughter as she cried, feeling her own tears fall down her face.
"I guess in some way I should have known," Sydney said quietly with tears in her throat.
Irina brushed some stray hairs from her daughter's face. "How could you possibly have known?"
Sydney looked up into her mother's eyes and then looked away. "Because he was with me," she said so quietly that Irina had to strain to hear her.
"Of course he was." Irina said reassuringly. "He will be with you for the rest of your life."
Sydney shook her head. "No, I mean I saw him. In that cold, dirty cell – I saw him. At first I hated seeing him because I thought that I was going crazy. I screamed at him to go away and he did. It was forever until I saw him again."
Irina stared at her daughter's face, encouraging her to continue.
"I saw him again the night she was born. He stayed with me the whole night. He came back to me the night they took her away. And after that he would come and visit me every once in a while."
"I was so happy to see him. I hurt so much but when he was there, I felt like a little girl again. Like everything was going to be ok. I didn't care if it meant I was going crazy. When they took her away I felt like I was going to die."
Tears started to run down Sydney's face again. Irina grabbed some toilet paper and wiped them away.
"You think I am crazy, don't you mom?"
Irina smiled a lopsided smile at her. "No, honey. I don't." She opened her arms and gave Sydney a warm hug. "You should get some sleep."
Sydney nodded feeling drained and empty but then she looked in the direction of the door with a fleeting look of panic.
Irina saw the look. "Don't punish him or yourself for the things that have happened. He needs you and much as you need him. Don't push him away because you think the pain will be easier to bear that way. Trust me, I know that it isn't."
Sydney stood back and looked over her mom. Her brain could not really comprehend the enormity of the changes that had surfaced in the last day so she just accepted the love that her mother had to give her. Love had been sparse the last year and she was willing to take it wherever she could get it, including hallucinations and sometimes murders. She put on the large t-shirt and shorts that her mom had brought in for her and turned back to her mom.
"Thanks mom."
Irina nodded silently and watched her daughter slowly leave the bathroom. Her strength was slowly coming back to her and she knew that the superficial scars she had would heal someday. It was the scars buried deep within her that Irina wasn't so sure about. She got up to place the hairbrush on the counter and noticed that her hand was trembling.
It had taken every inch of will power that she had not to breakdown in front of Sydney when she had told her about seeing Jack. She looked down at her left hand to her wedding band. A circle of gold to symbolize love that had no beginning and no end. She felt tears threaten to break through again but she let them fall. It was safe to cry now.
She slid to the floor of the bathroom and held her head in her hands. Maybe she wasn't crazy, maybe there could be a happier ending that she had been willing to hope for. Jack had come to visit her as well. From the night that Vaughn had come to tell her that Jack had died, to a few months ago, she had seen Jack almost everyday. He didn't really speak to her, but if she closed her eyes it was like she could hear him. She had thought that she was losing her mind, but she hadn't cared. Not if it meant that she could believe that Jack had forgiven her. She had believed that her sanity was a small price to bear. That's why she hadn't spoken. If she was quiet she could sometimes hear him whispering in her mind.
What did it mean if Sydney had seen him too? Did that mean that there was an existence after death. She had always hoped for one, hoped that there would exist a time when she could be free of the chains that bound her. But she had never really dared to believe it. She had learned at an early age that it was better to be pleasantly surprised than cruelly disappointed. Dare she hope to believe that Jack's love for her now was real?
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good.
Sydney stood at the door to a bedroom. She had heard her mother send Will out to get clothes and the other rooms were obviously empty. She put her hand up to the door to touch it. It was cool and hard. She knew that Vaughn was somewhere on the other side. Did she dare to open it? Did she dare to believe that he still loved her, despite the pain she had caused him over the last day? Was it still possible for her to sink into his arms and believe that his love for her was real? Did she dare?