Thanks to everyone for the wonderful reviews so far. You guys really make my day. I was sort of worried there for a while, wondering if anyone was actually reading this fic.
Warning this next part is RATED R for sexually explicit scenes. If anyone doesn't want to read it because of this, you can let me know and I can work on an edited version.
I also wanted to express to everyone in light of world events, that my use of violence and destruction in this fic is not meant to be gratuitous but rather it serves specific purposes. I hope however, that even with this dark side to my story everyone is still able to enjoy it. My heart and prayers go out to everyone involved in the conflict in the Middle East.
So without further ado!
Part 9.
This song is Paint it Black by the Rolling Stones
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
Sydney stood in the hallway with her hand poised on the doorknob and hesitated. Though Vaughn had not known it, she had seen the look of horror on his face after she had told him about their daughter. That look had pierced her heart like nothing else had been able to. His silence throughout the whole trip out of Spain had done little to reassure her. It was only the show of support that he had given her on the couch while they talked with her mother that gave her any courage to approach him.
Standing in the hallway, she thought back to her time in captivity; the darkness, the coldness; the constant feeling of emptiness that she'd had. It was easier for her to remember certain parts of it now that the security blanket over her mind had lifted. But now she was scared that those feelings would feel like joy compared to the thought of Vaughn hating her for losing their daughter. Or worse yet - for having their daughter, but that was a thought she didn't dare to think about.
Her hand trembled on the doorknob. She had let herself become weaker towards the end of her pregnancy. Maybe that was why she had not been able to fight back enough. She knew that in the past she had been able to take down three men twice her size at the same time, but when Sloane and the other man had come to take her baby away, she had been able to do nothing. Oh, she had screamed and yelled and tried to punch and kick but she had been so weak. The man had been able to restrain her by himself. Maybe if she had kept herself together, kept herself in shape she would have been able to stop them. Maybe she could have used the opportunity for escape, but instead she had been helpless. She had failed her daughter and she had failed Vaughn.
Sydney shuddered slightly. The feelings of helplessness still carved in her mind. Would he ever be able to forgive her? Would she ever be able to forgive herself?
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Vaughn sat by the window looking out. It was a large bay window with a small ledge in front that was large enough to sit on. He didn't know what he was feeling except that he felt disoriented and empty. All he had wanted a day ago was to find Sydney, hold her in his arms and beg her to forgive him for taking so long to find her. Now, he realized how foolish he had been. There were some things that could never be forgiven.
How had he allowed her to get pregnant? He thought to himself. Well, really he knew. They had not always been careful, they had often allowed their desire to consume their senses. It had been like that from the beginning. For over a year before her capture they had sometimes taken precautions, sometimes not. Sydney had seemed to be on a high since the Alliance had fallen, willing to let herself go in the heat of the moment. She had brushed away his concerns, telling him that in all likelihood she probably would never be able to have children. After all, she hadn't exactly been kind to her body and neither had anyone else.
Vaughn shook his head in anger at his thought. How dare he blame her? He should have known better. But he acknowledged that he hadn't fought her too hard on the issue. Most times he hadn't even thought about it. When they were together she felt like a drug to him, one that he couldn't live out. One that intoxicated him and left him senseless.
And because of his thoughtlessness, she was left to bear the consequences of their actions, alone. He felt the pain in his heart intensify as he thought about his double failure to her. Could she ever forgive him? Could he ever forgive himself?
He happened to glance out the window and saw the bustling street below him. A part of his brain was amazed to see how much of Europe seemed to be unaffected by the horror he had witnessed in the States. The glowing alarm clock near the bed indicated that it was past eight o'clock in the morning. He could see some teenagers on their mopeds weaving their way through traffic, an old lady feeding the pigeons in the piazza down below. It looked like a town ready to wake up. He saw a few armed policemen on the street corners, but that seemed to be the only concession the Italians had made to the New World Order.
Then something in particular caught his attention. A young girl was walking down the street, gaily. She had long brown hair and a happy smile on her face. Her designer summer dress swishing around her as she met up with some friends and kissed them happily on their cheeks.
Vaughn was surprised at the anger he felt witnessing this young girl. He knew intuitively that his anger was misplaced but nonetheless he felt his jaw clench as the girl threw her head back and laughed. She had a carefree flair that seemed naïve and innocent. But she also seemed happy. And Vaughn knew that it was not at this girl that his anger was directed but rather at life in general. Who had decided which girls got to laugh and which had to cry? Why did this girl deserve to be happy and yet Sydney had been dealt more pain than anyone should have to bear. Why couldn't this girl have been Sydney?
I see a line of cars and they're all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
Will stood on the crowded corner of Via Portuense and Via Ippolito Nievo and shook his head in shock. He had been wandering the streets of Rome for several hours now and discovered some very important facts. The first of these, was that most stores were only open from 9 am – 1 pm and 4 pm – 8 pm Tuesday to Saturday, except for some grocery stores that were open Mondays but closed on Thursday afternoons in the winter and Saturday afternoons in the summer, but all of which were always closed on Sundays. The second thing that he had learned so far was that today was Sunday and nothing was open except for the markets. So he found himself in Porta Portese along with several thousand other people trying to shop in an open market. He was shocked. Will didn't think he'd ever seen so many people in one place. There were people on all sides of him, pushing him this way and that. He pushed his way towards a vendor but the crowd continued on and he was forced past the clothing vendor and on to a shoe vendor. He shook his head. He didn't want any shoes. But the crowd had an anxiousness to it and a restless sort of energy that seemed to Will to almost border on panic. Nobody was willing to let him move against the crowd.
The crowd continued pushing him past and it was not long before he saw another clothing vendor and latched himself on to the table in front. He scanned the merchandise and found a few dark T-shirts with some writing on them. He waved some Euros at a tired looking man and tried to avoid having his back pocket picked while he waited for some change. The man gave him back some money but Will didn't even stop to check the amount. He was feeling claustrophobic and nauseous and wanted to leave as quickly as possible. After making a few more purchases he found himself on the edge of the market and decided to take advantage of the situation and leave. The side street was like a ghost town compared to the chaos he had just left behind, but he had gotten turned around and didn't know where he was.
As he wandered down the street, Will came across some teenagers walking down an intersecting street. He paused for a moment, amazed at their innocence. They were laughing and joking and teasing each other and for a moment Will was transported back to a time when not everything was a matter of life and death. Unlike the crowd that he had just left behind, these teenagers did not seem to absorb the evil within each other but rather to repel it. Will wanted to approach them, to bask in their innocence but they were walking too fast and soon they were walking past him. As they crossed the street and moved past him, Will felt his stomach drop and the nausea return. One boy was talking loudly to another, obviously teasing him about something, but the loud boy also had a knapsack over his right shoulder. There was nothing unusual about that except that this one had a gas mask hanging off the back of it.
Will almost retched on the sidewalk but he forced himself to continue on. He hurried down the street, not paying attention to anything until he was completely lost. He felt the panic start to return as he looked around and saw no familiar street signs or landmarks.
Will stopped as he came to a piazza across from a large church. He hunched over and leaned on the water fountain to catch his breath and he tried to force back the bile in his throat. After a few moments he was able to look around and force his mind concentrate on getting him back to the apartment.
He saw a few people trickling in and out and figured he could try and find someone who spoke English and ask for some directions. He walked up the steps to the church but no one was coming out anymore so he figured he would just venture inside to see if anyone was about.
He cracked open the door and peered in. Will stood and gawked at what he saw inside. From the outside, the church had looked old and run down but the inside of it looked like it belonged in a cathedral. He didn't even notice that he walked right in and stood gaping. The ceiling was a huge vaulted ceiling lined in gold and had intricate paintings around each of the cupolas. He wandered down the side isle, mesmerized by the paintings and statues on the walls that he didn't even notice when he sat down in one of the pews.
Whether it was the atmosphere of the church or its spaciousness Will soon felt better as the tension from the last day melted away. Sitting down he looked around and was reminded of the last time that he was in a church, almost five months ago.
The loneliness hit him all at once as he thought of where he was and what he was doing. Sure Vaughn had been a good friend this last year, they had stuck together through the loss of Sydney, Jack and his family, they'd had many light night drinks to ease their pain together. But now he had Sydney back again and Will was unsure where he fit in now. The only other person he knew in this continent, not counting the people who wanted to kill him, was a woman who scared him senseless. And he was not entirely sure that she wouldn't kill him either.
He thought back to his sister, Amy. He missed her most of all. They had grown up together and unlike most siblings there were always pretty close. She had been the smart but eccentric one while he had been the artsy guy. He laughed to himself though the tears that were starting to form as he thought of everyone's reactions when he introduced his sister to them. Everyone thought that just because she liked to dress loud that she was stupid. He smiled. She had shown everyone.
He remembered how proud he had been when she'd graduated collage. She had studied physics in school and she had been so excited about it. He remembered the day she had shown him around the lab that she worked in and had pointed at various pieces of equipment that he couldn't even begin to name. He'd laughed at her and called her names and she retaliated by making fun of his writing.
He missed his whole family so much.
Will rubbed his eyes to wipe away his tears and got up slowly. He was loath to leave the quiet peacefulness of the church, but he knew he had to get back. He turned to leave but stopped as a memory tickled the back of his mind. He tried to pin it down but it was elusive.
He moved towards the isle of the pew and started walking down the side of the church. The architect, through his use of many vaulted ceilings and pillars had created a hallway down both sides of the church to house all the statues and paintings. He hadn't realized that he had walked all the way to the front of the church on his way in and now looking down the hall, he appreciated the grandeur of the church even more.
Suddenly something Vaughn had told him a few days ago clicked in his mind. The beauty of the church forgotten, Will raced towards the door to the church and almost ran down a young priest greeting the parishioners.
He grabbed the young priest and shook his outstretched hand. "Internet?" he asked praying that the priest would understand. The priest looked at him shocked but he seemed to understand because he spouted off some Italian and made some gestures with his hands.
Will's incomprehension must have been obvious on his face because the priest slowed down and made some directions with his hands and gave him something that sounded like a street name.
Thankful, Will shook the priest's hand once more and bolted out of the church.
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens every day
Sydney slowly opened the door and let herself in. She saw Vaughn silhouetted against the bay window and she had to brace herself against the doorframe. She saw him look in her direction and somehow she found the strength to go towards him.
She let herself collapse on the sill next to him, her head down. She was too scared to look at him directly until she felt a warm hand on her cheek lifting her face up. She shielded her eyes from the sun with one hand while Vaughn grasped the other.
"Syd…"
She felt the tears start to form in her eyes. "I'm so sorry Michael…"
"No Syd!" Vaughn interrupted. "You have nothing to be sorry about, it's me! I'm the one that failed you. I'm the one that took so long to find you and forced you to go through everything by yourself! I'm the one that should be saying 'sorry'. And I would, believe me I would, except that I think 'sorry' is just not enough."
Vaughn slid on the floor onto his knees. He looked up at Sydney and felt his heart break. He was kneeling before her like a penitent sinner and looking up at her face he saw that she looked like an angel. Her face was shadowed but her head was bathed in beautiful sunlight that framed her like a halo. He noticed that her hair was much longer now and that it came down almost to the bottom of her ribcage. She was his redeemer. She was his angel and he had failed her. "I'm so sorry Syd. I'm so sorry!"
Sydney slid down onto her knees as well joining him in the shadows. "Are you sorry that you have a daughter?" she asked him with a tremble in her voice.
Vaughn held her face and rubbed her cheek gently with his thumb. The expression on his face was similar to one if someone had stabbed him. "No. Never. I swear! Sydney I feel like the luckiest man in the world because you gave a daughter."
He cupped her face and brushed away some tears. "I will just be forever sorry that you had to do it alone. That because of me you we forced to endure more pain and suffering. That because of me, Sloane and Sark were able to hurt you in a way you never dreamed possible. That they were able to hurt you so much that you can't even face daylight is something I will never forgive myself for. And I promise you I will hunt them down for you. I will get our daughter back and I will make them pay. I promise!" The last few words were said as tears started to pool in his eyes.
Sydney gave him a half smile as she felt a new wave of tears come crashing down. "I love you, Michael."
Vaughn gave her a lopsided smile as he felt his own tears start to fall. Suddenly a normal life seemed such a silly thing to worry about when he had Sydney's love. "I love you too Sydney."
He hesitated a moment before he gently lowered his face towards hers and caressed her lips with his own.
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Sydney felt her heart break a little as kissed her. Feelings that she had tried to suppress for a year came bursting forth with a clarity that surprised her. She had thought that her heart was dead. Now suddenly she feared that her heart would burst. She broke the kiss and exhaled shakily.
She looked up at Michael and saw the same bleakness in his face, but buried deep within his eyes was the same fear and love and desire that she felt.
"Syd…" Michael said in an attempt to slow them down. But Sydney would have none of that. She raised her finger to his mouth to shush him and then stood up and grabbed his arm. He followed her up but when she started to lead him towards the bed he stopped her.
"Syd, we can't. We shouldn't. You've been through too much and--"
Sydney turned back to him determined to convince him that they had to. She had felt nothing but pain and emptiness for almost a year and she knew she had to feel again those feelings she'd felt when he'd just kissed her. She needed those feelings to stem the darkness within her. Like a lifeline being thrown to her in a deep sea storm, she knew that without him loving her she would be lost forever.
Vaughn saw the look of panic on her face as he tried to stop their course and it tugged at his heart. How could he ever deny her anything anymore?
"What can be healed has been, Vaughn. I promise. Except for here," she laid her hand over her heart. "Please don't leave me now. I need to be with you. I need to feel you. I need to know that you exist in a way that I can't deny it to myself. Please. Michael." The last few words escaped as a whisper and his will crumbled.
He paused for a split second as he thought of Irina's words… a person's name is a sacred thing…a person's soul is revealed through their name. He knew that that was all it ever took for him. When he heard his name from Sydney's mouth it tugged at his very soul. He responded by following her to the bed and lying down next to her. He covered her lips again in a soft kiss but it didn't take long for his body to demand more. She intertwined her legs with his and as their kiss broke he continued kissing the side of her face down to her neck. As he kissed her neck, his name escaped her lips and into his ear as a half moan and he lost his hold on reality.
Now it was just him and Sydney in a way that they had never been before. There had been blinding passion before but now there was desperation as well. It was like they were trying to permeate each other's very soul to make up for the holes missing in their own.
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facin' up when your whole world is black
Michael kissed her with such passion that for a brief, wonderful moment she did not feel the darkness within her. As he broke the kiss and moved his face in front of her she knew that she was looking into his soul. His eyes were smoky with desire but it was more than just desire for her body. His eyes were alive with a need for her to need him as much as he needed her. And she did. And she showed him. The time for hanging back, the time for restraint, the time for insecurity was gone. She knew that to deny him what little was left of her soul was to drive him into the same bleakness that encompassed her. So she caressed his cheek with her hand and hid nothing in her eyes. She was there for him to see, to know that without him right now she would die. He saw her love and he understood. When he wrapped his arms around her and threaded his hands though her hair she knew that he had accepted her offering with the same offering in kind. And that instead of feeling like she had given away the last of herself she felt like maybe she had regained a bit more of herself.
She wrapped her arms around him as she rolled him over so she was on top. She straddled him so that he could feel her through the thin layers of clothes that they wore and he let out a small moan.
She could see him trying to formulate the words to ask her if she was sure but she did not want him to break the world that they had created for themselves. With a fluid movement she removed her t-shirt and she saw that the words were banished from his mind.
He sat up and cupped her breasts with his hands and she moaned as he ran his thumb over her. Reality was suspended for her as well. No longer did she exist in a world where she had been captured and had her daughter ripped away from her. Now she was in a world where she felt nothing but desire and a burning heat within her for the man that was driving her wild. She couldn't retrace the frantic movements to remove the remaining pieces of clothing, all she knew was that she found herself naked, with all her truths visible for Michael to see. And it seemed that he soaked in the sight of her, regardless of her bruises and scars and stretch marks. He looked at her body in awe not because of her figure but because of its ability to produce miracles. He laid her down on the bed and reverently kissed her stomach in tribute.
Sydney felt the tears start to form in her eyes again as he worshiped her body. As he worked his way up to her face, leaving kisses and caresses in his wake she saw that his eyes were brimming with tears as well. They had gained so much only to lose it so quickly. She kissed him on the lips and as his tongue danced with her own she felt their tears mingle together and she could not take it anymore.
She rolled him over so that she sat on top of him once again and rubbed herself over his erection. He seemed to quickly forget any protest that he might have made as she took him inside her. Sydney forgot about anything but the heat inside her. Her body, so long denied screamed for more as she clung to the headrest and moved herself up and down to increase the friction.
He sat up and threw her on her back unable to let her set the pace anymore. She relinquished control with a soft moan as he thrust into her and with it the tenuous thread still holding her back. She allowed him to fill her body and her mind and as her body shuttered in climax, for one brief moment her mind allowed her the comfort of knowing nothing of the pain and horror that had become a part of her. His climax came quickly after hers and he collapsed on her, their limbs and souls intertwined.
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
Vaughn looked at Sydney's sleeping form and the peaceful rhythm of her breathing and knew that she had found a temporary peace at last. Against all stereotypes, she had been the one to fall asleep exhausted after their lovemaking while he was left to watch over her and hold her. Her long hair was combed and splayed around her, framing her face.
She is so beautiful, he thought. Then Vaughn thought about the package that was still in his vest pocket. He briefly debating sneaking out of bed to get it and waking her up right now to ask her but he decided against it. He had not seen her this peaceful since they had rescued her or for that matter since they had started seeing each other. He could wait. They would rescue their daughter and then he would ask her and they would live happily ever after.
Is it enough for you to have her back? A voice echoed from his memory. Vaughn silently damned Sark. No Sark! No I need her whole again too! Vaughn trembled slightly as his rage threatened to burst forth. He forced himself to lay a gentle kiss down on her cheek to banish the anger and desperation that threatened to creep back into his mind. He wanted nothing to disturb this one perfect moment that they had.
He settled down next to her and she shifted sleepily so that he could use his entire body to hold her. He could feel her stretched out beside him, their legs entwined and he settled his face between her head and neck.
He thought back to their lovemaking and knew that they had done again that which had made their daughter possible. But he realized that he was not upset. Maybe they had always known on some level that a child was a possibility and he wondered if that had not contributed to their passion somewhat. He thought that it was not a coincidence that such an intimate act could express their love for one another and give them immortality. That regardless of what happened, that it was because of their love that they would live forever in their daughter.
Vaughn settled into a calm sleep for the first time in almost a year. Their war was not yet won, but at least now he knew what he was fighting for. He was fighting for him and Sydney and for the future family that they would have.
If I look hard enough into the settin' sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin' comes
Sydney sat at the bay window, dressed in her t-shirt and shorts and looked into the sun, setting on the horizon in the distance. She no longer felt the biting pain as she looked into its light but the conditioning was now hardwired into her brain. She had to force herself not to shield her eyes. It seemed ironic to her that for the first time that she was able to look at the sun since her daughter's birth, that she was looking at the setting sun.
She saw the people walking down on the street below and their motions looked pointless and empty.
She looked back towards the bed and at Vaughn's sleeping form. He looked calm and peaceful and the worry lines that seemed to be a permanent part of his face when he was awake were gone. This was how she always pictured him. She looked at him and thought that this was the man that would have been her husband one day, had her life been completely different.
He was so beautiful and serene, sleeping on the bed that she knew she could not inflict upon him the blackness inside of her. Because she realized that her emptiness had not yet vanished. Though he had taken her away from herself for one glorious moment, the blackness had returned. And it had been made all the more poignant because now she knew all that she had surrendered the day she was captured. She knew that though she was free now, her war was not yet won. She was still fighting for her daughter and her own soul.
She heard the front door slam and her mother and Will talking in the kitchen. She looked back quickly at Michael sleeping on the bed and then to the door but the contest was over before it began. There could be no real peace for her until she had Sloane's blood on her hands.
Sydney got up from the ledge of the window and walked to the door.
I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black