Part 16.
A long, long time ago
I remember how the music used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance
that I could make those people dance
and maybe they'd be happy for awhile
Six months later.
Dawn shifted her knapsack so that it sat more comfortably over her right shoulder as she opened the door to the small off-campus café. The aroma of stale smoke and brewed coffee filled her nose as her eyes adjusted to the dim lighting. It wasn't very crowded today, but her last class had just finished so it was still pretty early. She spotted her friend Amy waving at her from a table in the far corner so she made her way over.
"What took you so long?" Amy asked her friend.
Dawn shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Professor Rantee decided to rant on a little today."
Amy laughed and motioned for Dawn to take a seat. Dawn eagerly dropped her heavy knapsack on the chair and tucked a loose strand of her dirty blonde hair behind her ear. "I need a coffee first, though."
Without much enthusiasm, Dawn maneuvered around the chairs and tables until she got up to the bar. Music twanged in the background and she tried not to wince as the cacophony hit her ears. She sighed. She supposed that in the Artsy cafés, students had to listen to bad poetry from soulful individuals so cafés frequented by Music majors had to listen to music composed by misunderstood students.
Dawn cringed as the girl on stage strummed her guitar. She was unable to stop herself, as the girl seemed to have purposefully tuned her guitar out of tune. It seemed like an eternity before the waitress behind the counter finally handed her her drink. Dawn sipped her coffee in relief and was about to go back and join her friend when she noticed, to her relief, that the performer on the small stage had changed.
From her vantage point by the bar she could see a young man taking his place on the stage and walking over to the small piano. Though she normally dismissed all the performers without a second thought, this guy seemed to carry himself a little bit differently. With her curiosity peaked, she watched him walk confidently to the piano instead of with the normal apologetic gait that most of the students took on stage. Dawn smiled admiringly. He looked like a guy that was definitely comfortable with his own skin. She liked that. She had only been at school for two months now, but she was already sick of all the false modesty or worse, the unfounded arrogance that her fellow students seemed to display. She had always been taught to evaluate her own performance and to be proud of it if it was well done or to learn from it if it was not. Her grandmother had taught her that.
Dawn quickly pushed that train of thought away. Though it had been six months, Dawn still missed her grandmother very much. Though school had managed to keep her busy and her mind occupied, the loneliness still managed to find its way up to the surface whenever it could.
She watched him test out the tuning of the piano and once he was satisfied, she watched him glanced around the stage until his eyes landed on hers. It was only a casual glance, made haphazardly before he began to play but it held her attention. Actually, truth be told it did more then hold her attention, but she quickly stopped that direction of thought as well.
After all, no need to be silly, she thought to herself. But she continued to watch from the bar as the guy started to play and she didn't even notice when she sat down on a nearby stool.
The song started off slowly but it quickly built up in intensity and power, which stood in great contrast to the previous guitar song, but it didn't sound overbearing either. There was a quality to it that tugged at her heart. Dawn studied the performer more closely as she listened to his music.
He was certainly handsome. His short, blonde hair seemed to have a mind of its own but his hands moved confidently across the keys. He wore a dark glove on one hand, which was strange, but certainly no stranger then any of the other getups she had seen performers wear. He looked vaguely familiar but Dawn was positive that she had not seen him perform before. She was sure that she would have remembered if she did.
Too quickly the song ended, and she watched the man nod his head briefly to the crowd, most of which had stopped talking and actually listened to his song, and he casually walked off the stage. Dawn quickly looked down at her coffee to avoid catching his eyes. She didn't understand why she suddenly felt shy but nonetheless she waited a few seconds for him to pass before taking a quick sip of her drink.
Unfortunately, when she glanced back up, she saw him standing next to her ordering something from the bar. With a nervous jerk, Dawn stood up off the stool but the movement seemed to catch his eye because he turned and looked directly at her.
And his eyes were blue.
Dawn was about to look away when he smiled. "Did you enjoy the song?" he asked.
Dawn managed a small smile of her own. "Very much. It had a very different quality to it than the ones I normally hear in here."
His blue eyes danced with laughter. "You mean it actually had a melody?"
Dawn laughed. "Maybe." She noticed that he had a slight English accent.
The silence settled once more as he turned away from her to get his drink from the waitress. Dawn felt a slight disappointment that their conversation had ended but she wasn't quite sure how to proceed. As he took a sip from his drink, he was about to turn away from her when she decided to take a chance. "I'm Dawn," she said sticking out her hand.
He turned back towards her with a small smile on his face and looked down at her hand. He shifted his drink to his gloved hand and picked her hand up with his right. Instead of shaking it he turned it so that the back of her hand was facing up. For a brief moment she thought he was going to kiss it like some medieval knight but he merely held it for a moment.
"Hi Dawn."
Dawn looked at him expectantly but he didn't seem to catch her drift. However, his eyes didn't waver from her. Finally she had to ask. "And you are…?"
He paused a moment before answering. "Very pleased to meet you," he said appearing sincere but still holding onto her hand.
Dawn couldn't help but roll her eyes even as a small laugh escaped her. "No, I mean your name. What do people call you?"
He smiled a crooked smile at her. "People call me many things but most of them are not very favorable."
"Well what should I call you?" Dawn said removing her hand from his and putting it on her hip.
She watched his eyes laugh as his mouth twisted in a small grin. "You may call me anything you heart desires."
Dawn rolled her eyes again but she couldn't help but laugh. Somehow the lines didn't seem as corny coming from him as they would have from the countless other guys she had met since moving here. The little voice inside her head though tried to tell her that maybe it was because he really didn't seem to want to give her his name, but that didn't make any sense. His eye contact and smiles and the way he had held her hand didn't indicate that he found her repulsive either. Dawn shook her head at him and turned away. She suddenly felt the need to break away from him and go and find her friend.
…
"Amy do you know the name of that guy that was playing the piano a few minutes ago?" Dawn said as she sat down at their table.
Her friend looked at her like she'd grown a third head. "You're only noticing him NOW?" Amy looked at her incredulously.
Dawn shrugged her shoulders. "Sure. Why not?"
Amy pursed her lips together. "Where have you been for the last two months? I was talking about him on the first day of classes!"
Dawn looked at her friend in dismay. "Oh, you already like him?" She could feel the disappointment showing on her face but she tried to smile.
Amy raised her eyebrow and looked at Dawn for a moment before shaking her head sadly. "Naw, don't worry. I'm not his type anyways. But he's the guy that Krysta was after. Don't you remember? That night of the homecoming party?"
Dawn shook her head. "What about it? It was boring. I was stuck listening to some guy for most of the night."
Amy laughed. "Well Krysta The Sorority Girl decided that she would make him feel at home the only way she know how. He didn't even look twice at her. He just said 'No thank-you' in that proper English voice of his. It was hilarious! I don't think anyone's ever turned her down."
Dawn let out a small sigh in relief. "Well, so what's his name?"
Amy looked at her friend knowingly. "David Kurr I think. Why? Did you talk to him?"
Dawn shrugged her shoulders. She wasn't sure if what they had qualified as a conversation but she would have been lying to herself if she said she didn't want the chance to speak to him again.
It took over an hour of chit-chatting with her friend before Dawn gathered up her courage to go find him again. She made the excuse of looking for the washroom to walk around the café but he was nowhere to be seen. Her friend smiled at her in amusement and Dawn would have laughed at herself too for getting so worked up, but the feeling of disappointment at not finding him was too pronounced.
…
A week later Dawn was sitting under a large oak tree outside the music building trying to practice on her flute. The wind kept rattling her papers around so she was forced to find some small stones to lie on the corners. Normally she would have been too self-conscious to practice outside, but she really needed the practice and all the music rooms were booked. She shifted one of the stones that had rolled onto the notes and brought her instrument back up to her mouth.
She was so absorbed in the melody that she didn't even notice that she had acquired an audience until she had finished the song. As she put her flute down she looked to her side and saw David leaning on the tree looking down at her.
So much for trying to be sensible about this, she though ruefully to herself as her heart jumped into her throat. She had thought about him quite a lot throughout the week, regardless of how many times she had tried to stop herself. She knew that the best thing she could do right now was to concentrate on her studies but he kept creeping back into her mind when she was trying to work on her music history paper. Last night, when she finally gave up on the pretense of working she thought about all the things she could say to him, should she happened to run into him again. It appeared that all her practice was pointless though because her mind was drawing a complete blank now.
And to increase her nervousness, he seemed content to just stand there, looking at her.
Finally she managed to repeat his first phrase back to him.
"Did you enjoy the song?"
He smiled at her without missing a beat. "Very much. It had a very different quality to it than the ones I normally hear around here."
Dawn looked down shyly so he crouched down next to her.
"What is your schedule for today?"
She looked up and saw him at her eye level and her nervousness increased. "I…uh…I have a Tonal Composition class in two hours and…" She forgot what else she was going to say. His eyes were bluer than she remembered.
"Come with me?" His voice asked quietly.
Dawn nodded as her heart fluttered in her chest. "Where?"
He smiled and stood up, offering her his good hand. Dawn quickly disassembled her flute and put it in its case before taking his hand and standing up. He grabbed her knapsack that was sitting by the tree with his free hand and swung it over his own shoulder, never letting go of her hand. He looked quickly at his watch. "We have over an hour so I think we have time to walk."
Distracted by the fact that he still held her hand and seemed to have no intention of letting go Dawn forgot about her previous question. She was still shocked that not only had she agreed to go with this man that she hardly knew but that she seemed to like the fact that he was holding her hand. Dawn shook her head at herself.
David saw her shake her head. "What?"
Dawn laughed quietly. "And I used to be such a sensible person."
…
They talked easily throughout their walk and Dawn found out that like her, he was enrolled in the Graduate Music Program. However, his supervisor had his office off the main campus and so David didn't spend as much time in the music building as everyone else. She found out that he too played many instruments and that they shared the same tastes in music styles and even foreign languages. After all, one was able to appreciate the music so much more if the lyrics didn't have to be translated.
She discovered that he had traveled a lot and grown up in Europe, though in England instead of France like her. And though she hadn't traveled much except to and from Boarding School, they still found that they had visited some of the same places. He didn't bring up his family and Dawn didn't bring up hers.
They walked through Manhattan and it wasn't long before they arrived at the Lincoln Center and Dawn's curiosity got the better of her. David refused to answer any of her questions though, until they reached the north side of the Center and arrived at Avery Fisher Hall.
"This is where the New York Philharmonic plays!" Dawn exclaimed as she took off towards the box office, letting go of David's hand for the first time since he took it when they were back on campus.
As she stared at all the posters and paraphernalia in the box office lobby, David went to the counter and returned. He handed her a ticket.
Dawn looked at him curiously but he didn't have a chance to answer her unasked question before she had turned her ticket over and looked for herself.
Dawn gasped. "It's a ticket for the Open Rehearsal!" she exclaimed. Before she realized what she was doing, she had thrown her arms around him in a hug.
There was a moment of awkwardness when she released him and realized that her face was inches away from his but he eased the moment by grasping her hand again and leading them towards their seats.
…
"This is it." Dawn said pointing to the small house that she shared with Amy and another girl. The sun had set several hours ago and though not many stars were visible because of the city lights, it was still a beautiful night. They walked up to the veranda and sat down on the stairs.
"Thank-you for a wonderful day." Dawn said after a moment.
David smiled at her. "Thank-you."
Dawn looked down and absently fiddled with the ring on her right hand. David reached across her and held her hand so that he could see the ring.
"That's a beautiful ring," he said admiring the sapphire with the diamonds on either side of it.
"Thanks. My dad gave it to me. It was supposed to belong to my mother but…"
"But?" David asked, watching her intently.
Dawn shrugged her shoulders.
"Your parents love you very much." He said quietly.
Dawn looked at him sharply. "How do you know? They're dead."
David searched her face for a moment, not apologizing for his comment. "I know because you wear their love like an aura around you. I listened to you play your flute earlier and it was beautiful. Only someone who has known lots of love in their life can play like that. It doesn't matter if they are dead. They will always be a part of you."
Dawn felt tears spring up into her eyes and she blinked furiously a few times to try and stop them. She didn't know if she was touched that he had listened to he music so intently or by what he had just said or if she was just emotional because of the nervousness and tension she had been feeling all day while in his presence but she felt like just bawling. But not in a bad way either. She didn't feel like crying because she was lonely or scared, it was almost the opposite. It was just as intense though.
She stared at him for a moment and thought back to when she heard him play last week in the bar. Perhaps he had given her more clues about himself. His music had been beautiful but it had not been peaceful. It had been powerful. But, now as she thought of it, she recognized that it had held undertones of sadness as well.
"And when I heard you play in the café?" she asked him quietly.
David was about to wave away her question when Dawn interrupted him and did it for him. "Never mind. There's no need to make this more complicated than it has to be right?"
David looked at her intently with a questioning look.
Dawn looked away from him unable to hold his searching gaze. "My life has just had so much drama in it, I don't think I can bear anymore right now. Can we just have fun together and enjoy each other's company without worrying about all the baggage we carry around with each other?"
David nodded slowly but with some hesitancy. "For now."
His answer sent shivers down her spine, but she pushed them aside. Moonlight reflected off of her ring and for some reason she remembered what her father had told her so many years ago. His grandmother had given him this ring and explained to him that though it wasn't a typical engagement ring, he wouldn't love a typical woman so it would suit her completely. The two diamonds were supposed to represent their pasts and the futures but that he couldn't let them determine his love, they would merely help their love to sparkle all the more, like the light the diamonds give to the sapphire. Dawn shivered again and tried to push those thoughts out of her mind.
"You ok?" David asked, concerned. He put his right arm around her to try and ease her shivering.
Dawn moved closer to him and leaned her head against his shoulder. Her gaze rested on his gloved hand and for a brief moment, she had this crazy, irrational urge to find out what had happened to his hand that forced him to keep it covered all the time. But then she stopped herself. She had her own demons and her own ghosts that haunted her. She closed her eyes and just felt his shoulder under her head.
As she concentrated on his touch, she felt her heartbeat speed up and it was like the air around them suddenly became even more charged. She felt him move her head off his shoulder with his hand so she opened her eyes. She found herself staring deep into his eyes. And just when she thought the tension could not have gotten any higher, he leaned in slowly and kissed her.
…
Some time later, Sark sat on his bed, in the dark and listened to the silence around him. He was trying to meditate. He had been trying to meditate for a little while now, but every time he closed his eyes all he could think about was the feel of her lips on his.
And it was damn distracting.
But this was what he had wanted wasn't it? The opportunity to know love for once in his life? To chase the feeling that he'd had when he'd first held her in his arms, so many years ago and she had smiled at him? To know for once in his life, acceptance, for who he actually was? Wasn't that why he had abandoned everything he had once hoped to accomplish?
But if so, then why did he feel so uncentered? Why did he feel like his entire equilibrium was off? Why did he feel like he was tumbling down a cliff, with no way to stop himself? And behind it all, why did he feel fear? He had never been more honest about himself to any other person. Sure he had let her think that his name was David, but she had come up with that name herself. He hadn't supplied it. He hadn't lied to her at all today. In fact, he had never shared his thoughts so freely with anyone. So where did this fear, deep within his heart come from?
…
Dawn sat on her bed and listened to the silence around her. She felt like she was floating somewhere in space as she replayed their kiss over and over in her mind. It wasn't like she hadn't kissed a guy before, she'd had a few boyfriends over the years but nothing really serious. Certainly nothing that made her head spin like this last day had.
Dawn was about to curl up under the covers when she felt a cool breeze enter her room. She felt like screaming in anger at the intrusion now but for once the voices didn't seem to be directed at her.
"…what are you going to do about this?…"
"…nothing and neither are you…"
"…are you insane?…"
"…will you just go away…"
Dawn opened her eyes, but opened or closed the images were the same. Her father stood in the corner of her room glaring as only the dead could glare at her grandmother that was over by her closet. Dawn would laughed at the craziness if it hadn't been so real. But ghosts were nothing new in her life, they were merely part of the secrets that she had learned to hide so well from anyone not in her messed up family. Her father had made her promise not to say anything because their lived depended on it. Dawn knew the real reason though. If she ever dared to tell anyone the truth about her family, they would lock her up in a mental institution.
And so, like in life, their arguments in death continued. And yet again, she had no idea what they were arguing about.
"…pigheaded…"
"…the only way…"
"…deal with the devil…"
"…you made the devil…"
"Aghhhhhhh!" Dawn closed her eyes and screamed in frustration and the voices stopped jabbering in her head. She opened her eyes to see them staring at her, both with an identical look of worry on their ethereal faces.
"You're making me crazy!" Dawn cried out.
Vaughn looked intently at Irina and the next time Dawn looked around she saw only her father. He looked the same as he did the last time she had seen him though his pain was no longer as pronounced. She wondered briefly why she never saw him with her mother. She had always believed that they would find each other after death and at least they would always be together but she hadn't seen them together yet. Usually she only saw them one at a time and before her father and grandmother had died she had been seeing her mother and grandfather a lot less as the years had progressed.
She looked at her father, but he was looking intently at her. His face was etched with worry and Dawn could not hold her anger against him. She let her shoulders sag as a sigh escaped her throat.
"I don't know why you guys still argue, can't you see that I'm safe here? I've had no problems here, the world is starting to heal. It's been over twenty years since Sloane's acts of terror; it's over now. Can't you guys accept that?"
Her father approached her with a sad look on his face.
Dawn looked down at her quilt. "I'm happy Papa. I really am. I love the school here, I love the city. I'm making some great friends…" she looked back up to see her father looking at her intently. "And I met a really cool guy too Papa. I think you would like him…"
Dawn wasn't sure why it looked like her father was going to cry so she stopped talking.
"…I love you Dawn…" her father whispered in her mind.
"I love you too Papa." Dawn whispered back sincerely, the tears she'd held back earlier, now back in force. Her father stayed a few more minutes before leaving her alone, but the truth of the matter was that she was alone even when he was there. She had learned the hard way, many years ago, that she couldn't hug a ghost.
As she lay back down on her bed, Dawn let the tears fall freely down her face and onto the pillow. She was tired of being alone. She had been alone in some way, for most of her life even before her family had died. Between the fear that her father and grandmother instilled in her, and the weight of all the secrets that she carried, she had learned at an early age to build a wall deep around her. It was easier to not make close friends then it was to lie. Because ironically enough, her father had taught her that lying was bad. And so between the secrets she had to keep and the lies she couldn't permit herself to tell she had built herself a prison that only now she was starting to see.
As the sun peeked its head above the horizon, Dawn wiped her face with the back of her hand and sat up to watch the sunrise. It was her namesake after all. She was emotionally drained and physically exhausted but watching the sunrise had always given her hope and today it was no different. She couldn't blame her family forever, for the chains she helped slip around herself. She could only try and take control of her life one piece at a time.
Dawn forced herself out of her bed and picked up her towel off of the chair. She could just imagine what she looked like from her night of crying. She glance back out of her window and as a sunbeam shined though the trees in her backyard she made a promise to herself to let some more sun back into her own life. She knew it would take some time before she felt comfortable and trusted someone enough to let them completely into her life. But she also knew that she had to start somewhere.
She could start with Amy, but even though she was her best friend, Amy seemed content with the somewhat superficial aspects of their friendship.
Dawn though back to the night before and paused. She knew that it would take even more time with him because really, she hardly knew him. But perhaps if she was willing to take a chance and if he was willing to be patient with her and if she could gather up her courage, she could find in him what she had always been looking for. And maybe, just maybe, she could know for once in her life, acceptance, for who she actually was.